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| Letters to a Godmother (From Deadpool) | Started by: Deadpool on Mar 12, '09 13:16 |
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I shall take this time to read to you my correspondence with the Godmother of Detroit, one Marietta "Martini &" Rossi. Enjoy. Letter #1: Dear Marietta, It pains me to tell you that your hospitality in the city of Detroit, in a word, sucks. While visiting your city, I found myself in the company of several gorgeous women. Being accustomed to such treatment, I decided to enjoy their company. As it turns out, at least half of them were actually men. The percentage is probably greater, but, in the confusion, I was unable to discern the gender of the remaining "women." How disappointed I was to not only be denied the company of beautiful women, but also be "manhandled" for lack of a better term. The emotional scars of this incident are with me still today. I have been attending therapy for the last month, at significant financial burden to myself. I have contacted the law firm of Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe, and they assure me that I have a case for a lawsuit against you and your businesses in Detroit. However, as you can imagine, I'd like to keep the details of that night out of the public eye. So, instead of a lawsuit, I will accept a settlement fee of one million dollars. You may enclose a check inside the self-addressed stamped envelope I've enclosed. Thank you. Sincerly, Deadpool Reply #1: Dearest Deadpool, While I have the utmost sympathy for your pain, I cannot, at this time, award you a settlement of any type. I can, however, suggest that you get a penicillin shot. When visiting Detroit in the future, I suggest that you keep in mind our mantra: "Check for a wang before you bang." Yours Truly, Marietta |
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| lol this is funny :P | |
| Reply by: Mr_Untouchable at Mar 12, '09 16:23 | |
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| Oh Marietta....That's hilarious. lol | |
| Reply by: CH at Mar 12, '09 16:32 | |
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| That is good. | |
| Reply by: JosephRourke at Mar 12, '09 17:09 | |
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Letter #2: Dear Marietta, I am planning on travelling to Detroit on business next week. I plan on staying in one of your lavish hotels and partaking of illegal gambling, alcohol, and loose women. I understand that your city is friendly to people like me, seeking slightly illegal entertainment and I look forward to enjoying the illegal night life in your city. However, I do have a special request. When I gamble, drink, and consort with loose women, I like to dress as a giant spider. My lucky costume has eight legs, fangs, and measures around five feet in circumference. I realize that such a costume can be distracting, but the chicks love it and it helps me win. The spider costume makes me feel safe and relaxed. As your city is so friendly to those of us enjoying underworld activities, I was wondering what time would be best for me to wander your casino wearing my giant spider costume. I was thinking 5 or 6. Thank you, Deadpool Reply #2: Dear Deadpool, I'm afraid that we cannot accomodate you in this way. You see, we already have someone in a giant bird costume walking around and, to be honest, our clientle would demand a bird/spider showdown between the two of you, which he would obviously win. Also, I doubt our janitorial staff would be interested in cleaning up your webbing. As an additional bit of advice, chicks don't dig spiders. If you want to get women while wearing a costume, dress up like a giant penis. Remember, a giant penis always gets the ladies' attention. Good Luck Marietta (Martini &) Rossi |
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| Reply by: Deadpool at Mar 12, '09 18:00 | |
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| Haha. This is quite amusing. =) | |
| Reply by: Emori at Mar 12, '09 18:54 | |
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| Chicks like hamsters. I'd dig a guy who dressed like a hamster! | |
| Reply by: KittieCapone at Mar 12, '09 18:58 | |
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| Nice. | |
| Reply by: JosephRourke at Mar 12, '09 18:59 | |
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| Lol funny stuff | |
| Reply by: VinnyLuciano at Mar 12, '09 19:01 | |
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Thank you 2 for the laughs, I was thinking that you had me laughing so hard my stomach hurt, but then realized after a few minutes that i had to loose the Taco Bell I ate earlier, anyway, thanks, keep them coming!! -Giovanni_Castellano- The Gato Regime |
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| Reply by: Giovanni_Castellano at Mar 12, '09 23:16 | |
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| Ha..ha.. That's so funny. Can't wait for the next letters :) | |
| Reply by: AvantGarde at Mar 12, '09 23:28 | |
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| You two are killing me... | |
| Reply by: SodaPop at Mar 13, '09 00:01 | |
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OBJECTION! The bird wouldn't win if it was an Africa Bird Eating Spider. |
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| Reply by: ApolloJustice at Mar 13, '09 00:08 | |
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Letter #3: Dear Marietta, On a recent trip to Detroit, I found myself being mugged by a temperamental midget with a bad toupee. Knowing your fetish for the "circus type," I can only assume that this short fellow was one of your people. While, at first, I believed him to be a child, I suddenly realized that I was not in London, nor was this a performance of Oliver Twist. Also, he had a mustache and a gun. While normally, I would not fear a person of such small stature, this particular midget with a horrible hair piece was wearing clown make-up. As you may know, I suffer from Coulrophobia, the fear of clowns, and to a lesser degree, mimes. It is because of this fear that I curled myself into the fetal position and surrendered my wallet, which contained approximately three dollars and fifty cents. I am positive that, by now, the miniature thug has disposed of my wallet and spent my money on unthinkable "circus folk" accessories. I am hereby requesting the return of my three-fifty, plus another five dollars for the replacement of the wallet, a dollar for the dry cleaning of my pants, as well as an additional 1.5 million dollars to compensate me for my pain, suffering, and ongoing psychological trauma. I feel that this amount of money would help to get me the psychological care that I desperately need. You may send a check in the conveniently attached self-addressed, stamped envelope. Cordially, Deadpool Response #3: Mr. Deadpool: Having consulted with my squadron of little people, I can attest to you that this man was not one of my midgets. While I control the city of Detroit, often these "rogue dwarfs" escape my attention and cause havoc in my city. As such, I cannot compensate you for your obvious psychological trauma. If I did, I would have to compensate everyone who came to Detroit and was mugged by a midget dressed as a clown. Also, on occasion, we in Detroit have boys who enter puberty around the age of eight. It is quite possible that one of these young scamps decided to take your money as a joke. Again, because of this possibility, I cannot compensate you for your loss. Sincerely, Marietta "Midget Master" Rossi |
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| Reply by: Deadpool at Mar 13, '09 00:48 | |
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| Also, Bird Eating Spiders are South American. Oooooh! Burn! | |
| Reply by: Deadpool at Mar 13, '09 00:49 | |
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I stand corrected. I had always thought it was South Africa, but it is South American. Still, my point is not lost in such trifle matters. :p |
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| Reply by: ApolloJustice at Mar 13, '09 01:22 | |
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| Sayyid steps in looking stern. Hey now, Deadpool. I don't know what kind of slander you're trying to pull here talking about clown makeup and toupees on a midget, but I can assure you that neither is the case. Satanta is really just that ugly. I'm sorry for the trouble he caused you, but if we reimbursed the costs of counseling everyone who had been scarred by his horrendous visage the Lollipop Guild would have no money left over to subsidize the ongoing Lovely Licks' "Buck for a Suck" campaign. I would instead suggest that the next time you are bothered by a munchkin mugging, you instead pay in muffins. We love muffins. Especially lemon poppy seed muffins. It's like catnip for little people. Mmmmm delicious poppy...With lemon... in a muffin... Sayyid drools a bit and appears to pass out from the thought of such a delicious treat. | |
| Reply by: Sayyid at Mar 13, '09 07:31 | |
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Letter #4: Dear Marietta, I wish to issue a formal complaint about the price of drugs in your city. Upon arriving in the hole you know as Detroit, I found that my absolute shitloads of Heroin were worth considerably less that what I paid for them in Los Angeles. In Los Angeles, the City of Angels, we pride ourselves on the importation of quality Heroin, from the poppy fields of the Far East. Underpaid workers in Eastern Siam work night and day tending the fields of poppies, which are hand watered with only the purest water from the nearby mountain stream. The plants are then harvested by hand, brought back to a central place, where they are cleaned thoroughly and transported to the village of Xi-Chi-Saskazhi, where the roots and seeds are separated from the rest of the plant. The plant is then dried for weeks and subsequently crushed in to a fine powder. Through a series of highly complicated chemical steps, the uneducated villagers somehow produce heroin. This is carefully shipped to us in LA, where we transport it to the dealers in Detroit, for a wonderful profit. Now, I realize that Detroit also imports its own Heroin. But, I've seen that Heroin, and it has twigs, seeds, and on occasion, insect parts in the powder. This makes it difficult to smoke and even more difficult to inject. I've talked to several people who had trouble after they injected bug legs into their veins. As such, it is to the advantage of the junkie in Detroit for the dealers to purchase Heroin from Los Angeles. So, you see why I am confused as to the extremely low price of Heroin in your city. I cannot afford to sell my high quality, top of the line Heroin for your dirt, twig, and bug heroin price. Thus, I will take my cargo to New York, where the more, shall we say, sophisticated junkie will pay me for my product. Respectfully, Deadpool Reply #4: Dear Deadpool, Your complaint has been registered with the complaint compartment at the end of my desk. Also registered there are several empty coffee cups, used chewing gum, and a few pieces of a broken bottle. I am afraid that I cannot change the prices of drugs in my city. Here in Detroit, we pride ourselves on being able to provide a product to the consumer for a reasonable price. Perhaps you should buy the product here and take it back to LA. Also, if you find twigs, leaves, and insects in your heroin, then you've probably purchased a bag of dirt. Let me guess, it's also brown? Yeah. Dirt. Heroin is a white powder. As such, you should give credit to the dealers in Detroit, as they've sold you dirt for several thousand dollars. Yours truly, Marietta (Martini &) Rossi |
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| Reply by: Deadpool at Mar 14, '09 12:42 | |
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| Come on, Deadpool, don't leave us hanging! | |
| Reply by: JosephRourke at Mar 14, '09 15:18 | |
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