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| The Chronicle- Issue Eight | Started by: Marietta on Jun 05, '09 23:23 |
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THE CHRONICLE Your Underground Newspaper of Choice ~*~*~ As the summer approaches and the days get a bit longer and a bit hotter, I realize how much I hate summer. Thankfully, this gives me time to hole up in my office and work on better editions of The Chronicle. Like this one. Hopefully it's to your liking. Sunshine sucks, Marietta Editor ~~~ Breaking News Something That Totally Just Happened Before We Went to Print I desperately hate leaving this area blank, or removing the article all together. The title amuses me. So, without further ado: In recent news, leonardi, a New York Made Man for Premier died. He will not be featured in the obits. Rest in peace, leonardi. ~~~ He Was Gone in a Flash The Story Behind Don Fire's Death It was the second take down within a week where little to no information was released. What we do know is that on the evening of the 31st, Don Flash-Fire, head of Wise Guys Inc., as well as a few choice crew members, were taken down quickly. Shortly thereafter Flash-Fire's former Godfather, JimmyTheLionHeart of Philly, made a public speech to protect the rest of the unsponsored family, also stating "For those seeking reasons to this death, This is Philly business. Those involved will be notified as to why this happened." So what were the reasons? Flash-Fire's next of kin came to OOC Avenue two days later, pasting transcripts of coffee shop conversations showing his father speaking out against other cities, and making mentions to pandas that frankly didn't make sense. Whatever it is, it seems that the full story on this one is buried and gone in a Flash. Rest in peace, Wise Guys Inc. ~~~ New in the Eight Cities Bringing You Chatter from the Underworld Chicago: Windy City celebrated the promotion of a new Don this past week in the form of Snip, head of Valhalla. Detroit: After celebrating BrianRourke's promotion to Don extravagantly and flamboyantly, Detroit settled into a normal routine. A few key speeches came out of the Motor City this week by Return_Of_Ghost (on whether to rule with an iron fist or a fist of love) and RichardRizzo (on whether the 'death penalty was the only punishment). Las Vegas: Don ApolloJustice made an enlightening speech on how to approach a Crew Leader, trying to ready a broad crowd of fresh off the boat thugs. Los Angeles: Mobster Santino_Brasi brought forward discussion about the need for bodyguards, while Godfather Vicodin made speech to resolve the appropriate course of action for pick pocketing offenders. New Orleans: Godfather Pollitt made speech about not believing everything you hear, just days after Fort Izzel aired their dirty laundry and marked themselves a no stupidity allowed zone. New York: Don Scipita was found dead, her daughter ScipitaRourke joining our world to grace us with the announcement of another 'Trivia Competition'. Leader SirSammyRourke opened up his lottery this week. Godfather Rourke and Premier kept things interesting by placing a ban on certain families to enter his city for business (more details below). Philly: Godfather Jimmy made a brief appearance to announce the protection list for former Don Flash-Fire's unsponsoreds (more information on his death above). Odd opened a contest on how to put the "strange" back into his Consigliere, Paul_Walker, while mobster Oasis made a speech about not being so sensitive. Saint Louis: The main Saint Louis crime syndicate held an official press release this past week in which they apologized for their behavior over the past month. They also apologized to the current Seven Cities Godfathers, stating that they were not, in fact, able to be described as the many mean names they had exchanged over the past few weeks. ~~~ Advice from Amy Questions? She Can Answer! Advice Column by Amy Annie Moose Q: Morning, Amy, I really, really really really really really want to be Godfather of my own city some day. I know that's a big thing to ask, and I'm not really well-known and I'm currently working for another city, but I want to know if you have any tips for me so I can get there someday? Thanks, Thinkin' and Hopin' and Wishin' and Prayin' A: Long Shot, Your letter said it all. "I'm not really well-known and I'm currently working for another city". This isn't up to you. If one day, after you have worked your ass off and shown that you can be a great soldato, then maybe, if you are lucky, your leader will think you capable enough of leading a city. Until then, how about trying to, you know, get to know your family a bit? Work hard within your city? Actually do something more than just whine about how you don't have your own city? In order to lead, you first must learn to follow. - Amy If you would like to write to Amy, please send a letter to Advice from Amy, Care of Marietta ~~~ New York's Stand An Interesting Ban For Few Families The day was a seemingly normal and quiet Wednesday in the underworld. Everyone was heading about their crimes and daily schedules when Godfather ThomasRourke of New York made an enlightening and shocking speech. Still grieving over the death of his former Don Scipita for punishment, he declared that the families of AlfonsiTimello (Philly) and Gravol (Los Angeles) would be further banned from entering New York and doing business within. His reasoning behind it was the frustration felt by the families that punish their rules breakers with death, versus those families that do not. In his speech he was quoted as to have said, "I refuse to work with people who have trouble being tough on their people, that is not a leader, that is a friend, and the two are vastly different." A mixed feeling has issued forth from the public. Of course every new action will have its supporters as well as its naysayers, but for the most part people seem to be staying tight-lipped on this particular subject in the Streets. As we're drawing to a close on the second day of the NYLB (New York Leader Ban), the City that Never Sleeps looks far from wavering in their position. Multiple members of Don Timello and Consigliere Gravol's families have been killed for trying to gain access to the city, but this seems to have slowed down a bit within the last half a day. ~~~ Famous Mobster Sightings Who, What, When, Where and Why Curious about what the more famous of our world get up to during the week? Here's a look at what we here at the Chronicle were able to capture. Left Hand to Chicago leader Prayer, ysis, shining his shoes on the doorstep of his HQ. Philly Made Man, -SpikeSpiegel, taking his body guards on a field trip to the zoo. Lenny_Varana, Left Hand to New Orleans Captain Jonizzel, dancing with an empty soup can in his hand. Was seen begging for money. New York citizen, Raiden-, smashing in the lock on a convenience store. Walked out with a Coca Cola. Boss from Detroit, Riddle, cleaning out HydroPhonic's office after losing a bet involving Ceelo and a truck full of chickens. Dexter, man from Chicago, stealing meatballs off an associate's plate while they were not looking, during dinner one evening. Los Angeles Consig, SilentDiva, gesturing in angry sign language to an associate. The associate was later heard to mutter, "What a diva." Genesis, from L.A., reading a Bible on a park bench. ~~~ Restaurant and Business Review of the Week Under the Scope: Los Angeles' Pills Я Us Every week one of our reviewers will stop by a random (or suggested by readers like you!) business or restaurant in a random city and will share whether the place was dressed to impress or destined to flop. This week while hunting for good drug prices we stumbled across a place in Los Angeles called "Pills Я Us". Owned by Godfather Vicodin himself and built back in March, Pills Я Us is a longstanding pharmaceutical business that has seemingly outlasted many of it's companions in the L.A. business district. To this day it is still going strong. Perhaps it has Cortisol hidden in it's back store room? Environment: Located in a small, nondescript building in the Olvera suburb, PЯU is an easy-going atmosphere. With endless shelves, sterile white counter tops and even a lounge with comfortable seating, it's hard to feel stressed or panic in this place. Hell, it's almost like a hospital. "Menu": As the employees there are instructed to say, they have "anything your heart" desires. We checked a few of the shelves out, and they weren't lyin'! Service: Sarcastic and witty, the employees are there to get you your meds, and definitely are not fans of small talk. Vicodin himself can be seen taking inventory or locating prescriptions from time to time. Clientele: Your normal, every day Mobsters. And freaks. And agitated people, hysterical people, people who look strange and smell funny. PЯU doesn't discriminate. Our rating: Three-or-Four (we could make up our minds) out of five stars. If I were a junkie, I'd probably give it a five. What's not to love about a place that offers all sorts of over and under the counter drugs? Congratulations to Godfather Vicodin and Pills Я Us. If you too want to be one of the establishment owners reviewed, make sure that you have a large, lovely and booming business! Be on your toes, you never know when you'll be next! ~~~ Looking for a place to drink away your troubles? New Orleans urges you to look no further than down By the Bayou! By the Bayou offers a variety of drinks in a comfortable, easy-going atmosphere. With entertainment and good company, why would you go anywhere else? Remember- By the Bayou in New Orleans! ~~~ Need a place to unwind after a long day at work? The Windy City offers many fine joints, but none are as top notch as Porky's! Whether you just want a drink or watch a few women entertain, Porky's is the place to be. Look up Porky's in Chicago next time you are there! ~~~ In Las Vegas looking for a place to kick back and relax? This place is worth its weight in gold! The Gold Mine, located in Sin City- tending to all of your drinking and entertainment needs. ~~~ Own a business? Want some free advertising? Contact Godfather Marietta today and your company could be featured in the next issue of The Chronicle! ~~~ Interview with a Leader This Week: Detroit's Godmother Marietta Interview by Reporter Miss R. Each week the Chronicle will be interviewing leaders they find interesting or that have done something to impact the Underworld in some way. These leaders will be asked several questions about their career, personal life, as well as their plans for the future. Below is the transcript of the interview with Godmother Marietta. Hope you enjoy! Ms.R: Godmother, a true honor it is to meet with you. Mari: Thank you, it's my pleasure. Ms.R: Let's kick this off, then. How did you find yourself in This Thing of Ours? For the full transcript of this interview, please turn to Section A-5. ~~~ Classifieds Job Listings STILL WANTED- Experienced artist who can help redecorate my headquarters (read: crew banner). Current state is nice, but I'm looking for a change. Willing to pay two-hundred thousand dollars (200K) for a visionary that can 'wow' me. Please contact Godfather Marietta, Detroit, MI for more information. Recreation POKER- Regular games of poker being held within a secure environment. $100k typical buy-in. Contact Dice or Riddle if interested. ~~~ Have an odd job laying around that you need to get done, but simply don't have the time? Too busy to get that project off the ground, and need a helping hand? Contact Editor Marietta Rossi for free job advertising in The Chronicle. ~~~ This Week in LCN History Mobster Events of the Past Ever wonder what the Mafiosi of yester-year were up to? Well damn it, we'll show ya! Check out this blast from the past, chronicling the quiet week of May 29th through June 4th. May 30th: Then Crew Leaders of the Six Cities opened up Las Vegas to become a battle royale between potential mobsters to become leader of the city. They were required to "duke it out". June 2nd: Then mobster SecondaryInfantry announces a country-wide poker tourney. June 2nd: Then mobster Animal is named the winner of the Las Vegas competition. He opened doors to his HQ and family La Casa di Ombra and The Rinaldi Crime Family. ~~~ The Chronicle presents... Real Mobsters of Genius (Real mobsters of geeeeniiiuuuuuus!) A special thank-you to Doc_Santoro for this week's RMOG topic. Today we salute you, Mr. Improper Homophone User. (Mr. Improper Homophone Use-ah!) Gracing us with your street presence, you are the master linguist... if that master linguist had a stroke. (Your a geniuuuussss!) Your. You're. You don't care what way they are supposed to be used. You just go with what feels right. (What the fuck just happened?!) Does anyone know there associates from over they're? I have heard their out to kill their Boss. (Stop the cha-OOOOSSSSSSS!) So have yourself a nice, hot mug of coffee, Word Dyslexic. Your lack of proper homophone usage keeps the rest of us sitting on the edge of our seats... confused. (Mr. Improper Homophone Uuuussseeeerrrr!) ~~~ Fill in the Blanks Getting to Know Right and Left Hands Every week we interview a leader, asking about all their hard work, fame and glory. Yet it is often seen that Right Hands and Left Hands are shunted to the side, when they put just as much time in as the Boss themselves. In this new section, we have asked three Right or Left Hands to fill in the blanks on a survey sheet. Their answers vary from the serious, to the hilarious to the just plain disturbing. This week we caught up with TheJackOfHearts of Los Angeles, Carlito-Brigante of Chicago and Pickles of New Orleans. Below were their answers (respectively). Hope you all find them as enlightening as we did! TheJackOfHearts My full name is Jack Heartington. My close associates (or friends) call me Jack or JOH. I am the Right Hand for Aphotic_Bulldog in Aphotic Factory. My official title in my HQ is Right Hand Man (We aren't a particularly imaginative bunch). One word to describe my Boss is A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E. My weapon of choice is the M1918 BAR. One day I hope to be popular :(. This one time on a bank robbery I accidentally locked myself in the vault. Green is my favorite color. I abhor killing people (but do it anyway). My relationship status is Single. My favorite Right Hand duty is answering the bosses mail (whether he tells me to or not). If I could live anywhere in the world, it would be Sicily. My least favorite Right Hand duty is dealing with insubordination. If FatherGordon weren't such a slacker, I would totally be nowhere special right now. Carlito-Brigante My full name is Carlito-Brigante. My close associates (or friends) call me Carlito. I am the Right Hand for Waylander in United Chicago Mafia. My official title in my HQ is RHM. One word to describe my Boss is Hilarious. My weapon of choice is Browning Automatic Rifle. One day I hope to get whats rightfully mine... the world and everything in it. This one time on a bank robbery I was so drunk I used too much dynamite and blew the safe and all the money right to hell along with two of my associates. Red is my favorite color. I don't like to but my gun loves killing people. My relationship status is single. My favorite Right Hand duty is recruiting. If I could live anywhere in the world, it would be Amsterdam. My least favorite Right Hand duty is paperwork. If I weren't a RHM, I would totally be dead from having a short fuse by now. Pickles My full name is Penelope Irene Pollitt. My close associates (or friends) call me Pickles. I am the Right Hand for Duke5078 in La Famiglia Degli Intoccabili. My official title in my HQ is CTO (Chief Training Officer, but my crew claims T stands for Taco). One word to describe my Boss is sincere. My weapons of choice are my twin knives Ruth and Esther. One day I hope to sing at Carnegie Hall. This one time on a bank robbery I sorta kidnapped Godmother Marietta while robbing a bank she owned. Dark Blue is my favorite color. I leave killing people up to cholesterol. My relationship status is singlish? My favorite Right Hand duty is sending other CL's dirty notes in Duke's name. If I could live anywhere in the world, it would be Uruguay-I mean Chicago. My least favorite Right Hand duty is laying down the law and herding young petty thieves off of Godfather Pollitt's front stoop. If Marc_Jamieson weren't such a crossdresser, I would totally be rid of crummy suiters by now. (p.s. Marc, you owe me a new hat) ~~~ Weather What Your Local Forecast is Saying Weeeekeeeend fooorrrecaaaaaaaaastttt! Chicago: While Friday may be mostly sunny, this will slowly break up into showers for the rest of the weekend. Ugh. Detroit: Sunny Fridays bring... weekend showers! It'll still be warm though! Sorry, Motor City! Las Vegas: While it's windy and partly cloudy, the weekend will still be warm, Vegas! Los Angeles: A mostly cloudy weekend for you, Californians! New Orleans: Mostly sunny beginnings on Friday fade into a party cloudy weekend. New York: Showers on Friday pave the way for beautiful sun on Saturday. Clouds start to move in on Sunday. Philly: Friday is rainy, which lets up for a partly cloudy rest of the weekend. Saint Louis: Don't get your hopes up about the mostly sunny Friday, because that will quickly disappear into thunderstorms the rest of the weekend. ~~~ Topic of the Week What's on Everyone's Mind? Every week we will ask seven people, one from every heavily populated crime city, to fill out a questionnaire, asking for their opinions on the subject at hand. They will be asked three questions each, and we at the Chronicle expect to receive a variety of responses! The subject of the week: this interesting new New York Leader Ban. What else? (Answers were posted in the order they were received.) Recently, New York enacted a plan where they locked two other families out of their city, punishable by death. They did this because they revealed they would not be dealing with anyone who does not punish for "illegal" shots with the death penalty. Do you like the new concept of "locking out" other families from a city? For the rest of this article, please turn to Section B-3. ~~~ A New Type of Real Estate Drug Front Properties or Bust! In a bid for more power, control and (what else?) money, many mobsters have jumped on a new bandwagon. All across the nation warehouses are being snapped up like a piece of mama's hot spice cake, and equipment has been bought to ensure that business can begin straight away. So what exactly are the Mafiosi spending all those long hours on production lines for? This newest trend is called "drug front properties". For a small fee every two days, you can bribe FBN agents across the United States to 'turn the other cheek' while you and your friends mass produce your own product, right in your own backyard. Every day more is produced and sold to local crime connoisseurs, who then can turn around and make a profit off of the local drug dealers. You can adjust your price accordingly, depending on what the market demands or calls for. A profitable venture for all involved, of that we're quite sure. There are limited amounts of properties in each city, however, so are being sold on a 'first come first serve' basis. As the drug trade has increased significantly since the inception of these buildings, we feel that 'DFP's may be here to stay. ~~~ I Take Twice as Long The Plight of a Holder Upper Story by Marietta I've decided that committing multi-family crimes are great. You work together to turn a huge profit, it creates a feeling of unity, and generally the more people you have, the faster it goes. Unless you just so happen to have a "Holder Upper" in your midst. A "Holder Upper" is one of those people who insist they want to crime. Everyone else is ready to go, and they're still checking themselves out in the mirror. Or changing their clothing. And the next thing you know, they're in their office reading a novel because they simply forgot to meet up with everyone to raid a truck depot. Normally it's good entertainment to make fun of these completely useless members of your brigade. Except I hate it. Because I am a chronic "Holder Upper". When everyone else has their crow-bars in hand, I'm the one checking to make sure I don't have any spaghetti stuck between my teeth. Or making sure that my hair looks perfect. You never know when you'll run into an important client, so you always have to look your best. Don't ask Aurora and Amber about the time we stole the art pieces. They're still not talking to me. And for the love of God don't mention the time we torched a rival business to Rourkey or Vic, unless you want your ears hurt from ferocious laughter. At the end of the day, it's not easy being absent minded. And I know the amounts of abuse and humiliation I suffer for being a "Holder Upper". It hurts, and I know I'm not alone. So I wanted to encourage all those other HU's out there. Stay strong. You crime when you're good and ready to. Don't let anyone else tell you what to do, damn it. I've created a series of badges for the Holder Uppers out there, out of honor for what they do every day. Men's badge. Woman's badge. Wear them with pride. ~~~ Obituaries and Retirements Rest In Peace A section where we respectfully honor and highlight the lives lost of those Made Rank and up. With over fifty deaths this week, we will only be specifically writing eulogies for those who were Consigliere rank and above, or a Crew Leader. Everyone else will be listed in a separate memorial. Scipita Lovely lady of New York and Don to Godfather ThomasRourke, Miss Scipita lost her life this past week. A large outpouring of grief was seen at her funeral. Sleep sweet, angel. For the rest of the obituaries, please turn to Section C-5. ~~~ Money Money Money Money Give Away! The Editor has too much money. More than she knows what to do with sometimes. What better way than to reward readers of The Chronicle? Everyone who purchased a copy of the paper last edition had their personal information taken down by one of our salesmen. Their names were put into a hat, and from there we were surprised! The hat was overflowing! Circulation had doubled this week, and it was obvious! We couldn't possibly pass up the chance to give away EXTRA money, so this week six names were drawn. These six people will all become winners of 100K each! And this week's winners were... Caius, Carlo_Brescati, Mickey, Vehellione, JamaicanMob_Marley and Vlad_III! Congratulations! The money has been wired to your bank accounts. Enjoy! Remember to buy your copy of The Chronicle. You never know- next week you would be a winner! ~~~ Nice Recipes for Hardcore Mobsters Because We Can Enjoy Good Food Too When we have people over to entertain, we don't like to invite them over to just sit on the couch and stare blankly. Why not make yourself the host or hostess to talk about at social gatherings with this Cheddar Cheese Fondue Appetizer? What you'll need: * 3 cans of cheddar cheese soup * 1/2 cup water or white wine * 1 teaspoon garlic salt * 2 loaves of French bread Directions: First, preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. All you need to do is empty the soup cans into a large casserole dish or pot. Next, add the garlic salt, water (or wine), and mix it all very well. Next, cube the bread loaves and put on a couple of baking sheets and bake. Heat the cheese mixture in microwave or on stove top. As soon as bread turns hard in the oven, put the cheese mixture in a heated fondue pot and the bread in a basket. Now this baby is ready to serve! Make sure to use long forks or sticks when eating! ~~~ Horoscopes Since They're So Friggin Popular Want to know what the week holds? Well we can't tell you that. Get a glimpse about how it might turn out, though: Aries (March 21st through April 19th): Me-ow! You're quite the popular associate this week, Aries, and you damn well like it. Wednesday you will be offered in on a new business deal, which will result in a little extra money. Remember to take it slow; just because you're popular now doesn't mean you should wear yourself out. To find your horoscope, please turn to Section D-7! ~~~ Thank you for reading the eighth edition of The Chronicle! Our staff really hopes you enjoyed it! We are always available to answer your questions at any time. Please contact the editor, Marietta, with any concerns you may have. Editor: Marietta If you would like to write for the Chronicle, please contact Marietta for more information and to set up an interview asap! Visit us in the coffee shops in #detchron |
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| Another great read. Great work. | |
| Reply by: Paul_Walker at Jun 05, '09 23:28 | |
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Lovely As Usual. Look forward to it on a weekly basis |
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| Reply by: Whiskey at Jun 05, '09 23:28 | |
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| Amazing read, I look forward to the next issue! | |
| Reply by: Azazel at Jun 05, '09 23:31 | |
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| Always a good read. Even after the 3rd time. Thank you. | |
| Reply by: Riddle at Jun 05, '09 23:42 | |
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Thanks for the contest plug Godmother! the 4 or 5 entries probably arent that thrilled...BUT I AM! good read as always! |
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| Reply by: Odd at Jun 05, '09 23:43 | |
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| Fantastic as usual Godmother...and damn that horoscope again! | |
| Reply by: Marc_Jamieson at Jun 06, '09 00:00 | |
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| Great read as usual. Just keeps getting better. Love it!!! | |
| Reply by: gizaro at Jun 06, '09 00:11 | |
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sitting on the local bench next to the main street corner, reads his paper, laughs at some parts and looks serious at others puffs his joint and turns the page I'll be damn if she hasn't done it again. I'm liking this more and more each week. Can't wait to get my own featured story. (hint hint) Great paper, but I wouldn't expect anything less from you Godmother, good luck on your future endeavors. |
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| Reply by: JamaicanMob_Marley at Jun 06, '09 00:13 | |
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He slicks his hair back, and straightens his tie. Another wonderful edition. Well done. He smiles, folds his copy under his arm and walks out sipping a cup of coffee. |
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| Reply by: ApolloJustice at Jun 06, '09 00:27 | |
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| well done i agree another GREAT issue | |
| Reply by: Carlito-Brigante at Jun 06, '09 01:59 | |
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Another great issue as always. Keep up the great work. I truly appreciate all the work that is put into the chronicle. |
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| Reply by: JimmyTheLionHeart at Jun 06, '09 02:02 | |
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| This was a very good issue. Keep up the work and don't none of us down. | |
| Reply by: DupeAccount at Jun 06, '09 02:08 | |
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| Always an enjoyable read. And your horoscopes are getting creepily accurate. Maybe you need a purple turban and smoke filled tent? | |
| Reply by: Pickles at Jun 06, '09 02:44 | |
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Dear Marietta, I love to read your newspaper. I am absolutely amazed on how frequent the newspaper is published and the variety of articles in it. I always read it with a cup of coffee on my porch and you impress me every time. This is one of the few subscriptions I do not regret! I would like to thank you and your whole team for doing such an amazing job every time! I'm around for a long long time now and this is the most impressive newspaper I have ever had the pleasure of reading. Thank you. Rianne ScipitaRourke |
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| Reply by: ScipitaRourke at Jun 06, '09 04:38 | |
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| Great read as usual. Just keeps getting better. Love it so much!!! | |
| Reply by: Shippi at Jun 06, '09 04:50 | |
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I love this newspaper it always has more info than the offical newspaper is longer and well written keep up the good work MadDog :) |
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| Reply by: xXMadDogJnrXx at Jun 06, '09 05:25 | |
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Recreation POKER- Regular games of poker being held within a secure environment. $100k typical buy-in. Contact Dice or Riddle if interested. Remember guys to contact these guys, I'm a regular and i wanna have new minds to play, so if you feel your up for winning some easy dosh hit one of those guys up or myself. Great Issue Marietta, look forward to the next Fridays. |
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| Reply by: Grassboy at Jun 06, '09 07:42 | |
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| Or me im usually playing and always up for a game. | |
| Reply by: Alfonse_Gangitano at Jun 06, '09 07:46 | |
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| I love the Chronicle. And I was Mentioned, and not 'cause I died. | |
| Reply by: RichardRizzo at Jun 06, '09 08:37 | |
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