Detroit Presents:
THE CHRONICLE
Your Underground Newspaper of Choice
~*~*~

Well it has been one crazy week- so much so that at one point I never thought it would stop. But with the printing of this paper, I can officially kick back, relax, and unwind from all the crazy!

A little sad, as I had a new column I wanted to release this week. Time got away from me though, damn it. Ah well, next week then!

Enjoy, folks!

Marietta
Editor
~~~

Nawlins, Nawlins
New Orleans Lonely No More
Article by Reporter Kates

New Orleans had lain dormant for weeks when Godmother Marietta touched down in the Big Easy on July 29th. But by the time she left, it would have a new Godfather. Godmother Marietta professed to have put a great deal of consideration into who would take the reins for New Orleans, but remained confident her choice of her eldest surviving child and only son, Harold Herbet Rossi, who is better known throughout the seven cities as Death-Knight, leader of the Rampage.

The Godmother described Death-Knight as "loyal", "hard working", and "respected", though his most exemplary trait was his "determination" which will be "the legacy he will spread throughout New Orleans". As the new Godfather emerged into the streets thanked many people, including Marietta, everyone involved with the decision to allow him to set up, and his special friend Rourke.

Godfather Death-Knight then got right to business as he named SkullCandy as his first addition to New Orleans. Death-Knight explained that, although Skull had struggled initially, his friend had grown to be a "great RHM" and that "he will become a great leader." Mr. SkullCandy briefly emerged from the crowd to say "Thanks a lot guys.. It means a hell of a lot to me". But Death-Knight wasn't finished yet. Exactly one hour later, the Godfather of New Orleans emerged with another addition to his operation. Professing his desire to bring New Orleans from a state of "loneliness and quiet" to "being a city with a good population", he announced that his former LHM LilWayne_ would be setting up shop in New Orleans as well. The Godfather stated that he had "always wanted to give this guy his own chance and now it is his turn to shine". LilWayne_ then briefly thanked Death-Knight for the honor before heading over to his new HQ.

We here at the Detroit Chronicle wish Death-Knight and his captains the best of luck in their task of resurrecting the Big Easy!
~~~

New in the Eight Cities
Bringing You Chatter from the Underworld

Chicago: Early on in the week, Don Sidious started a discussion on city rules, and following them as well as punishments.

Detroit: After the loss of HydroPhonic on the 28th, Detroit moved on in the way of authing new Captain Kates, head of the Renaissance (more information below). The 30th marked Detroit's anniversary of joining the underworld, and was celebrated with a gift from it's citizens, as well as the announcement of a new Detroit is Obscenely Crazy contest week (more information below).

Las Vegas: Surviving the heat can be a taxing feat! With temperatures above what man should be able to withstand, Las Vegas did well at making it through.

Los Angeles: Joining it's West Coast sister in the heat, LA has been working hard and avoiding heat stroke.

New Orleans: Finally got itself up and running again! Death-Knight and his family were moved to Nawlins (more information above), he set up new leaders SkullCandy and LilWayne_. Shortly after, he announced a new pickpocketing policy for the city.

New York: JamaicanMob_Marley let loose his thoughts on several different subjects early on in the week. Leader TM also started his own business, Montana IA Management Co.

Philly: Early on in the week WilliamDeSantis was authed as a Captain (Le Ombre Della Notte- more information below). Paul_Walker announced an executive poker game, while Godfather Odd started his SPIRIT Hotel tax, for those planning on staying overnight within the city.

Saint Louis: Started planning it's Christmas. Christmas in July? What the hell?
~~~

Advice from Amy
Questions? She Can Answer!
Advice Column by Amy Annie Moose

Q:Dear Amy,
I have been the official Riot! Pool cleaner for about a month now, and whenever I try to clean the pool I always find Rourke skinny dipping. What can I do? I have tried many things; Using a lot of chlorine, Do not enter signs, Borrowing an alligator from the zoo. Nothing seems to work..
Please Help!
From More Than Slightly Sickened.

A:
Dear Sickened,
...Really? I have all the knowledge in the world. I'm honestly the smartest person you have at your disposal, and you ask me about CLEANING POOLS?
For craps sake, son, you're nothing but a waste of my time. I say good day.
...But if you haven't tried calling out "Free blow in the HQ" yet, that's your problem.
Love,
Amy

If you would like to write to Amy, please send a letter to Advice from Amy, Care of Marietta
~~~

Detroit is Obscenely Crazy Week Arrives
Making an Already Crazy City that Much Worse
Article by Kates

When Marietta received over 150 million dollars from her Detroit organization during her milestone birthday celebration there was a single question on everyone's mind: what the hell is she going to do with that? Now, partially, we have our answer. She's giving a decent chunk of it away.

Emerging two days ago with her bodyguard Leif throwing money into the air, Godmother Marietta announced a week long extravaganza in Detroit to celebration the anniversary of organized crime in Detroit. Prior to that, it was believed that there were moderate amounts of disorganized crime going on, but this reporter can neither confirm nor deny that. Anyways, echoing a previous "Detroit is Crazy" week in which a mere twenty million dollars were given away, this week's festivities will contain various contests, jailbreaking, and cash giveaways.

Fittingly, for a seven day celebration, there are seven main events taking place. First and last, on Saturdays the 1st and 8th, there will be continuous jailbreaking ongoing between 15:00 and 20:00. If that weren't enough, all active men and women in Detroit will be entered into one of four million dollar raffles at 16:00, 17:00, 18:00, and 19:00. There are three writing competitions in which entrants must detail a crime they committed, a man they killed, and an ode to a crewleader. There is also a visual competition in which Marietta has challenged people to create a new crew banner for the Riot! organization. The final two events are a scavenger hunt throughout the seven cities and a contest to find the best "summer suit".

The prizes and details of each contest can be found here. With so much money on the line Detroit can surely expect a lot of participation. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to compete!
~~~

Famous Mobster Sightings
Who, What, When, Where and Why

Curious about what the more famous of our world get up to during the week? Here's a look at what we here at the Chronicle were able to capture.

Chicago citizen Imasnitch, spying on a drug deal in a laundry service building. Was taking notes to later tattle on what happened.

Philly mobster AlfieJr, tearing his suit on a stair well as he walked by. Was cursing loudly.

Easternwind, Detroit Mobster, racing horses at the track.

From New York, Coglioni, buying a case of alcohol in a back alley, for 'private functions'.

Los Angeles' Titus, spending all that sweet cash on a brand new car.

Angelo_DeCarlo, Chicago Made Man, roughing up some locals for protection payments.

Las Vegas guy Die_Clause, campaigning for Clause's death. Still. To this day.

Right Hand to Deimne, Deimna, giving free ice cream to some children standing outside her New York Ice Creamery.

PedroRourke, Detroit Don Captain, fighting a grizzly bear with only a knife as a weapon.
~~~

Restaurant and Business Review of the Week
Under the Scope: Las Vegas' The Maple Leaf

Every week one of our reviewers will stop by a random (or suggested by readers like you!) business or restaurant in a random city and will share whether the place was dressed to impress or destined to flop. This week, while on some adventurous travels through the West Coast, we happened upon a busy joint called The Maple Leaf.

Located in a small building just off Main Street, The Maple Leaf is owned and operated by Las Vegas Leader Tie. Built only just a short time ago, this place has already gained an outstanding popularity among the locals, as well as visiting Mafiosi.

Environment: A quaint little building, with almost barren walls (aside from the various sports paraphernalia and family photographs) and plush, red carpeting. Wooden tables are spread around the room, and it's almost a normal looking joint, aside from the large, fancy table that is perpetually "Reserved for the King"... whoever that may be.

Selection: A wide variety of drinks, as it seems that the proprietor's skills are quite superior tending to the bar.

Service: Fast, quick and effective. With only a handful of people running the show there, it's surprising that they can fill so many orders, and so fast too!

Clientele: Ranging from the lowest thug to the highest Godmothers (we've seen Aurora there, we swear!), The Maple Leaf attracts many different kinds of mobsters from all over the country.

Our rating: Five out of five stars. With how well this place is doing already, we're excited and frightened to see what the future holds.

Congratulations to Tie and The Maple Leaf. If you too want to be one of the establishment owners reviewed, make sure that you have a large, lovely and booming business! Be on your toes, you never know when you'll be next!
~~~

Own a business? Want some free advertising? Contact Godfather Marietta today and your company could be featured in the next issue of The Chronicle!
~~~

Interview with a Leader
This Week: New York Don, Deimne
Interview by Reporter Miss R.

Each week the Chronicle will be interviewing leaders they find interesting or that have done something to impact the Underworld in some way. These leaders will be asked several questions about their career, personal life, as well as their plans for the future. Below is the transcript of the interview with Deimne, Don of New York. Hope you enjoy!

Ms. R.: Good evening, Don! Thank you for meeting with me for this interview.
Deimne: Good evening. No need to thank me at all, the pleasure is all mine. I've long been a fan of the work you have been doing of late. Combining your interests and abilities in journalism with your contacts in this thing of ours has produced some excellent results of which you can be proud.

For the full transcript of this interview, please turn to Section A-5.
~~~

Have an odd job laying around that you need to get done, but simply don't have the time? Too busy to get that project off the ground, and need a helping hand? Contact Editor Marietta Rossi for free job advertising in The Chronicle.
~~~

This Week in LCN History
Mobster Events of the Past

Ever wonder what the Mafiosi of yester-year were up to? Well damn it, we'll show ya! Check out this what happened during the authy week of July 24th to the 30th!

July 25th: Then New Orleans Leader Skulls (The Renegades) decides to resign in the form of an attack against then Don Alessia of Chicago (La Famiglia dei Guardiani). Skulls kills her Captain Judson (La Urbana Metropolitan). Skulls eventually has his family wiped out. The leaders at the time leave his Captain, Dakine (N.O. Pit Bulls), in charge of New Orleans.

July 25th: Then Mobster TM-Scarface is authed into Las Vegas (The Las Vegas Crime Syndicate).

July 25th: After death of Judson, Don Alessia sets up a new Captain in the form of Czar (The Red Guard).

July 27th: Mobster FlyingPig (Right Hand to Iris) tells us how he sees it- by debating about what makes a good hitman.

July 29th: Then New York leader Daera (The New Scum) gives us an overview of the different types of invite requests.

July 30th: Detroit, Michigan gangs agree to become apart of the recognized and connected underworld between the biggest United States Cities.
~~~

SPORTS!
Or Something Like It!
Column by Ethan-Lankford

This is the part of the column where be you a woman or a man show their sports side. In this column well highlight baseball and the football team, maybe some field hockey for the girls. But first lets talk about the Yankees baseball team this year. Seems like they are doing a bit shabby but you know the Yankees, they'll come back! Here's yesterdays games and the game before that:

For more information on SPORTS!, please turn to section C-3.
~~~

The Chronicle presents... Real Mobsters of Genius
(Real mobsters of geeeeniiiuuuuuus!)

Today we salute you, Mr. Self-Important Next of Kin Man.
(Mr. Self-Important Next of Kin Man!)
Your daddy was a Crew Leader, or your mommy was the best Hit Squad leader known to man. Doesn't matter if they're dead and gone now- you're just as important.
(I'm gunna be sooo greaaat!)
Strutting around the streets and headquarters like you own them, you don't care if others think you a fool. No, because you're a somebody.
(Everyone bow down to meeeee!)
Talking to leaders like you own the place and disrespecting people of a higher rank? Who cares. It's what mommy or daddy would have done.
(Mother fuckers this is my WOOOOOOORLD!)
So have yourself a nice, hot mug of coffee, Son of Someone Important. As long as you're running around disrespecting the high rankers, they'll always have someone to put six feet under.
(Mr. Seellf-Impooortant Next of Kiiiiiiin Maaaaaannnn!)
~~~

Fill in the Blanks
Getting to Know Right and Left Hands

Every week we interview a leader, asking about all their hard work, fame and glory. Yet it is often seen that Right Hands and Left Hands are shunted to the side, when they put just as much time in as the Boss themselves. In this new section, we have asked three Right or Left Hands to fill in the blanks on a survey sheet. Their answers vary from the serious, to the hilarious to the just plain disturbing.

This week we caught up with Butt_Ox of New York, BrianRourke of Las Vegas and Ellie of Los Angeles. Below were their answers (respectively). Hope you all find them as enlightening as we did!

My full name is Frank "The Ox" Pastorelli. My friends call me "Butt". You are not my friend.
My close associates call me Sir.
I am the Right Hand for Thomas Rourke in New York and for Alfieri in the shower.
My official title in my HQ is Lord High Exalted Ruler and Generally Amazing Guy.
One word to describe my Boss is Evil Tyrant. Yes, that's two words, which further emphasizes my point. Don't try to tell us how many words to use.
My weapon of choice is Fear.
One day I hope to become invisible and bulletproof.
This one time on a bank robbery I actually called the bank and ordered them to bring the money to my residence to save me time.
Twelve is my favorite color. What? Do you have a problem with that?
I despise killing people. Unfortunately, demons compel me to do it.
My relationship status is "in love with myself".
My favorite Right Hand duty is pleasuring myself.
If I could live anywhere in the world, it would be at the top of an ivory tower.
My least favorite Right Hand duty is doing work, which is why I joined Thomas Rourke.
If Ruthie weren't such a prude, I would totally be on top of her by now.

My full name is Brian 'Sugar Ray Clay Jones Jr.' Rourke.
My close associates (or friends) call me Mr. Rourke.
I am the Right Hand for The Northern Lights in Las Vegas.
My official title in my HQ is "Assistant to the lord and master (and chicken herder)".
One word to describe my Boss is honorificabilitudinitatibus.
My weapon of choice is a sock full of apples.
One day I hope to find a fucking gun.
This one time on a bank robbery I drove the getaway car into a river, fully submerging for over 20 minutes until I realised it was the car from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and we made a quick and easy escape.
Light blue is my favorite colour.
I rather like killing people.
My relationship status is Involved (With your mam).
My favorite Right Hand duty is ruining carters fun.
If I could live anywhere in the world, it would be at an In N Out restaurant.
My least favorite Right Hand duty is looking through the vast amounts of mail Aurora accumulates.
If quails weren't such a delicacy, I would totally be scared of birds by now.

My full name is According to Tao, I am Ellie- She Who Must Be Obeyed (Swimbo). On a good day, I'm an honorary Caulfield too.
My close associates (or friends) call me Ell or Swimbo.
I am the Right Hand for the fearless leader Judge_Holden in our mighty awesome family Chido!
My official title in my HQ changes around a lot. Sometimes I'm Ringo, the confused Beatle, or I'm Ass Kicker in Chief... or I'm one of the Wild Bunch and claim the fame of Dutch Engstrom. We joke around a lot and have fun.
One word to describe my Boss is gracious. I cannot think of a word, with so many meanings, that can possibly fit one man except for this one. He is forever giving and giving and giving of himself. Really, sometimes it just hits me and I'm left with a flash of awe. He is fiercely loyal, kind, generous, understanding... the list goes on and on for me. He's amazing and I couldn't ask for a better person to be associated with.
My weapon of choice is a rusty melon baller. I often threaten to scoop people's eyes out with one and yeah, no one wants that. Who knows what I'd come up to do with all the eyeballs though! I'm thinking... a tasty dessert? Sting them up and use them as Christmas decoration?!
One day I hope to be totally geeky and beat my own personal record for amount of money earned in one day just from Petties... and finish writing my book.
This one time on a bank robbery I got in, grabbed the cash, walked out as though nothing had happened... and biffed it hard on the lip of the revolving door. The money, which was in a bag I hadn't totally fastened closed, flew out into the little bit of the revolving door I occupied and the wind created by people on the other side pushing through kicked the money up into the air... As soon as I whirled all the way back around to face the interior of the bank the money went flying and it was like sharks scenting blood in the water. A total feeding frenzy ensued and everyone dove for my hard earned cash! I grabbed as much as I could, stuffed it into my bra and got the hell out of there. The cop entering was so consumed with watching me stuff things down my dress that he didn't even question what I was doing, who I was or why I was there. Lucky break for me and my girls.
Deep purple or sunny yellow are my favorite colours.... or the burnt crimson painting your dead corpse!
I get a sick thrill from killing people. I'm fascinated by blood, the inner workings of the human body and the moment of death.
My relationship status is taken. I've only got eyes for the job...
My favorite Right Hand duty is getting to torture Judge all the time by constantly saying, "Mail for you, boss." "There's a new reply for you." "Mail's up." Haha... it's only a tiny little torture, but it sometimes makes me happy.
If I could live anywhere in the world, it would be Ireland. I lived there for a while while attending university and I miss it constantly! I think about going back all the time, and I guess Seattle is as close to it as I'll get for now (the weather and landscape are similar).
My least favorite Right Hand duty is getting hit on by -48s and having to be nice about it. As though that two seconds of arrogant and yes, creepy, flirting will really get them an invite into the family.
If Judge weren't such a glory hound, I would totally be Queen of The Chido Mud Pit by now.
~~~

Weather
What Your Local Forecast is Saying

Chicago:
Storms for the beginning, partly sunny for the middle, and storms for the end. You've got yourselves a sandwich!

Detroit:
A windy and stormy beginning to the week, which quickly turns into a partly cloudy next few days.

Las Vegas:
The week starts out mostly sunny, but by Tuesday becomes sunny and warm. Woo hoo!

Los Angeles:
A sunny and warm week, the entire week. Congrats!

New Orleans:
Scattered thunderstorms all week, with a partly sunny Tuesday? Oh joy.

New York:
You'll have a mostly sunny week, but like your friends in Philly, will suffer storms on Wednesday.

Philly:
A partly cloudy and warm week, with one evening (Wednesday) of scattered thunderstorms.

Saint Louis:
This week seems to be full of scattered thunderstorms, with only a small blip of happiness with a partly sunny Monday. Enjoy!
~~~

The Shots Heard 'Round the Country
And There Wasn't Even a War

In our world, it isn't every day that you lose two Dons, one Consigliere and a handful of high rankers for naught. Especially if there isn't a war. But on July 28th our world was shocked as the entire upper structure of one Detroit family fell as if struck down by the Gods.

The day started out as any other. Until, few leaders noted with a sense of amusement, there was a rogue (unauthorized headquarters purchaser) leader amongst their numbers. Thus began an uneventful chase, with one pro-wacker dead and a rogue that at first could not buy an HQ, then fluctuated in wealth status several times, before suddenly getting struck down by the Gods above.

It appears that an illegal immigrant had wound his way onto our shores, and was wrecking havoc amongst the lands. The Gods put a stop to this, but they didn't stop there. Within moments, the entire upper structure of HydroPhonic's family The Reckless Hearts (and then some) were also struck down for aiding said immigrant.

The loss to Detroit was an immense one. Godmother Marietta could be heard as having said "HydroPhonic and the Reckless Hearts were a shining example of what a hard working, stable and steady family should be. I enjoyed their time in Detroit immensely."

Rest in peace, Reckless Hearts. Gone, but not forgotten.
~~~

Caught In the Action
Top Three Mob Activities We Saw This Week

We at the Chronicle have always been huge fans of those who are adventurous in This Life of Ours... especially those who regale us with the tales afterward. From now on, we will be highlighting the three mob activities we saw that we liked the best each week, or the best three story recounting told to the public.

July 29th: Made Man Awesome was found trawling the streets of New York after dark. After stalking a young woman, he has his way with her and kills her in... a round about sort of way.

July 31st: New comer to Chicago F13nD regales us with the tale of how he joined us, and how he lost everything important to him in his life... and how he got his revenge.

August 1st: New Detroit mobster Fever showed just what happens when someone threatens or insults his family... and got more than he bargained for.
~~~

Digging for Answers
With Professor Kates

I often have young petty thieves and thugs come up to me, sit on my lap, and ask me questions. Usually they involve me taking my clothes off. Those people are promptly slapped and/or stabbed and sent on their way. But every so often someone breaks into our thing and is confused about a particular aspect of our business that they can't explain. Well, I'm here to help. Between keeping an ear to the grapevine and my own scholarly research I'm able to uncover just about anything. So if there's something you're confused about, just drop me a letter. Now let's get started for today's question...

Professor Kates, what is the deal with all this jailbreaking?

Excellent question. Jails themselves have been around forever, ever since the first men and women started stealing crops from each other. I believe that was called the Mesopotamian Mafia, if my research is correct, under Godfather Gilagamesh. But anyways, this isn't about the history of jails.

Jailbreaking itself began back in the old country. Though some men would use jail as a way to protect themselves, several crafty old Sicilians would get themselves thrown into jail by intentionally setting themselves up in a drug bust. Their subordinates would then be challenged to increase their skills of planning, stealth, and execution to bust them out. Many young mafiosi gained invaluable experience through these drug busts, and it became an almost universal training tool. This practice was maintained for many years and, when many Sicilians immigrated near the turn of the century, they brought it with them to America.

But America, as you all know, has a tendency to try to do things bigger and better. Jimmy Vespucci, a recent immigrant who became involved in the Chicago underworld, married a girl whose brother was the chief of security at the nearest prison. Jimmy's new Don had no intention of strolling into jail, so Jimmy would slip his brother in a law some cash on the side. Through the repeated experience of having to plan these jailbreaks, Jimmy Vespucci became so powerful he eventually replaced his Don. News of what Jimmy had accomplished soon spread to the other six cities and, before long, every Don started making contacts in the penal system to help the men work for the gain experience.

So next time you're rotting in jail... raise a glass of dirty water to Jimmy Vespucci!

Have a question for Professor Kates? Don't understand something about the business? Drop a mail to either Marietta or Kates and have the chance to see YOUR question answered in the next issue of the Chronicle!
~~~

Obituaries and Retirements
Rest In Peace
A section where we respectfully honor and highlight the lives lost of those Made Rank and up.

Made Men
Haze, Tie
webtekkk, MrFCUK
FlyingMonkey, Deimne
Prey, Judge_Holden
Fisk_Capizzi, Rhuarc
RedHood, Premier

Capos
Bonnie, HydroPhonic
Lucius, Paul_Walker
Bigger, MRFCUK
Inferno, SkullCandy

Bosses
The_Acountant, HydroPhonic
Ubar, Sherlock
Cryostasis, Deimne
Telkin, Deimne
Dr-Poofington, Rhuarc
Matt_Haas, Kates
Giovanni_Verrazano, Premier

Consiglieres
Khujo, HydroPhonic

Dons
Ceelo, HydroPhonic

HydroPhonic
Leader of the Reckless Hearts in Detroit, HydroPhonic was killed this past week, leaving a tragic wake in her path. Many across the world mourn this woman, described as being "one of a kind". Rest in peace, Miss Phonic.
~~~

There Are Always New Auths
At Least in Philly and Detroit

Another day, another dollar. Another Captain?

Early this week, Philly decided to expand it's organization with MrFCUK naming a new Captain. His former Right Hand, Mister WilliamDeSantis, who now heads up the branch of Le Ombre Della Notte.

After the demise of HydroPhonic and Reckless Hearts, Godmother Marietta named a new Captain in the form of her member (and daughter) Kates, who now leads the Renaissance.

Congratulations to all of the Captains. We here at the Chronicle wish you long and fulfilling lives!
~~~

Money Money Money
Money Give Away!

The Editor has too much money. More than she knows what to do with sometimes. What better way than to reward readers of The Chronicle?

Everyone who purchased a copy of the paper last edition had their personal information taken down by one of our salesmen. Their names were put into a hat, too many to even count!

Per usual, three names were drawn and selected. BUT SINCE WE'RE DETROIT AND WE'RE CRAZY THIS WEEK- we've decided on giving out 500K each!

INSANITY!

And this week's winners were...

Zumori, Deadpool and Johnny_Killa!

Congratulations! The money has been wired to your bank accounts. Enjoy!

Remember to buy your copy of The Chronicle. You never know- next week you could be a winner!
~~~

What's the Deal With _______?
Your Chance to Vent About Random Subjects
Opinion Article

We here at the Chronicle will allow people to vent every week, anonymously, about something that irks them. (Within reason!) Don't like colorful tattoos? Hate people who don't wear family tags? This here's your place to say your piece. Peace. Whichever. All you have to do is send your rant to the Editor, Marietta, and start your rant with 'What's the Deal With _____?".

Since no one else volunteered these past few weeks, I think I'll have another hand at this one. Wish me luck folks!

This week: Next of Kin Who Blame the Wrong People for their Father/Mother's Death

What's the deal with next of kin who blame the wrong people for their mother or father's deaths? Whether it's through a war, or some fault of their own, a mobster dies. Then their son or daughter comes parading in this world, as if galloping in on a horse like a knight in shining armor, to enact revenge on... whom? The wrong fucking people.

I don't know if they need to get a clue. Or if they need to get past whatever deep seeded feelings their mother or father had towards people. Maybe they're just retarded. I'm banking on the latter. But it gets a little irritating to see people randomly get shot at, or abused, week after week, when we can all turn and say "Look fucker, your Father died because he was a fucking moron and did it to himself", or, "Listen, your Mother was an incompetent member who mouthed off at the wrong person, how is that our fault?"

Maybe all these next of kins can do us a favor by joining hands and then walking over a cliff like good little lemmings. At least that'd save the rest of us the trouble from having to listen to their dribble.

Do YOU have a problem with something that happens every week? Want the chance to vent about it? Write into The Chronicle and we'll publish all your rants for you!
~~~

Nice Recipes for Hardcore Mobsters
Because We Can Enjoy Good Food Too

We want candy! And cookies! Alright, we'll take the cookies. Make the easiest shortcake cookies you've ever seen!

What You'll Need:
* One pound butter
* 1/2 pound icing sugar
* 1 pound flour
* 1 egg
* 3 teaspoons lemon extract.

Directions:
You'll need to cream the butter and sugar. Add in the egg (well-beaten), lemon extract and flour. Turn the mixture on a board, adding enough flour until it is stiff enough to roll. Take chunks and roll them into balls, or cut out shapes. Bake at 350 degrees in an oven until delicate brown.
~~~

Horoscopes
Since They're So Friggin Popular

Want to know what the week holds? Well we can't tell you that. Get a glimpse about how it might turn out, though:

Aries (March 21st through April 19th):
The social bug has sunk it's teeth into you, Aries! You'll be looking for associates to plan a get-together, and they'll all appreciate it. After all, what's better than a well connected, happy family? Nothing. On Friday your patience will be tested.

To find your horoscope, please turn to Section D-7!
~~~

Thank you for reading the thirteenth edition of The Chronicle! Our staff really hopes you enjoyed it! We are always available to answer your questions at any time. Please contact the editor, Marietta, with any concerns you may have.
Editor: Marietta Rossi
Columnist: Kates
Columnist: Ethan-Lankford

If you would like to write for the Chronicle, please contact Marietta for more information and to set up an interview asap!

Visit us in the coffee shops in #detchron

Another wonderful and insightful paper.....

I just love seeing my bank aacount go up.... Thanks to the chronicle for there wonderful gift

Keep up the great work

Good read :D Im working on the cookies.

Great issue as usual. I can't wait for next week's.

Another great issue Marietta

Fabulous addition to my stack of newspapers Godmother.  I especially enjoyed reading Don Deimne's interview. <3

I love it!

It's so addicting.

Great Addition.

great issue

Great read again, well done God Mother

Another great issue. Thanks for the great read.

Hah, Titus bought a car. What a dummy! Anyone who will buy into this whole Automobile thing is crazy. Anyway, lovely read from the great city of Detroit again.

My compliments on another excellent read :D

Great work Godmother,I look forward to the next one

good job. :D Informative as always.

Looks up after reading the newspaper.

This is great. I'm looking forward to the next edition.

Spirit smiles and walks away.

I loved it as usual!

folds newspaper under his arm and heads up the alley

aaahhh.....

Great read as uasual

Pleasure to read as always. :)

As always Godmother, a fantastic read. Thank you for putting the time that you do into this. I enjoy it every single time.