"Hey paperboy! You're late, where the fuck is my paper?" You scream at the kid with the stupid looking hat, and paper bag over his shoulder. "Hey old man, pay your dues on time, and your paper will be on time." The kid yells back. "I'm not in the mood you little ba..." You get interrupted as the paper hits you right between the eyes.

Welcome past readers, and newcomers. I'm here to report the news while trying not to sugar coat it. Hope you find what you are looking for.

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The Mafia Herald

2nd Edition

Friday, July 31st, 1935

Cost: 2 cents.

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This Weeks Events

This week saw the removal of New York, and most of her Mademen. Why you ask? Well Duplicity spoke of this in the streets HERE. To summarize, Chicago leaders found out that The Big Apple was planning to attack soon. So they did what anyone with a spine would do, and eliminated the threat. Why were the New York leaders planning this? That's something I hope to find out for you folks. Of course this week my interviewee couldn't possibly know what was going on inside their heads, but hopefully the truth comes to light soon.

Also this week SammyGato set up as the first crew leader in this Merry-Go-Round, as it's been called. An interesting concept indeed. If anyone is looking for more information on this (for lack of a better term) Pay-As-You-Go crew leader proposal, you can find that HERE. What will the future hold for Bella Vista? Hard to say at this point, but one thing is for sure. This reporter wishes Sammy, and the rest of the district the best of luck.

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Interviews:

These interviews were conducted on IRC avenue. Things discussed and opinions given by the interviewee may not necessarily reflect those of TheReporter, or this paper.

This week after recent events regarding NY. I thought it would be enlightening to interview Oblivion. Him being my boss I tried to put those ties aside, and ask the tough questions.

00:23 <Reporter> Alright from this point forward I'll be recording this conversation to be published to my readers is that okay with you?
00:23 <Scottie> Absolutely.
00:24 <Reporter> Thank you Scottie for taking the time to talk to me today I really appreciate it. For those who don't know Scottie also goes by the name Oblivion.
00:25 <Scottie> My pleasure, Reporter.
00:26 <Reporter> First off, I think what is still on everyone's mind is the resent war with NY. As a CL in CH the attacking city, I'm sure you would have most of the information of what happened. Can you run us through what lead up to this attack?
00:28 <Scottie> My first and foremost responsibility as a CL in CH, is the protection of my family, and all of Chicago as a whole. Leading up to the war, we received intelligence that New York felt Chicago was "an insurmountable threat" and were attempting to gather allies in order to remove us.
00:29 <Scottie> Now, had this come from an associate within NY, it could have been harmless. But, our intelligence suggested it was from the very leaders of NY. We couldn't take the talk lightly.
00:31 <Reporter> This intelligence. Was it a mole or just someone who didn't want to see an attack on CH?
00:33 <Scottie> Isn't it possible to be a little of both? I'm afraid I can't give up the source, but this person didn't want to see the beautiful Windy City go down again. So, this person enabled us to do what needed to be done to protect her.
00:34 <Reporter> So you are convinced that the info was solid. I can see not having much of a choice.
00:35 <Scottie> I have zero doubt as to the authenticity of the information.
00:37 <Reporter> Do you think NY saw it coming or do you think they thought they had more time?
00:38 <Scottie> To be quite honest, I'm not sure. They must know the conversations they were having, the question would be did they know that we had found out? It's impossible for me to say.
00:39 <Reporter> Can you comment on why one member of the NY upper structure was spared during this war?
00:39 <Scottie> I cannot. My apologies.
00:42 <Reporter> No problem. I see you recently took command of the Northside district. Congratulations! Huge position leading a whole district. What's next for Scottie in this thing of ours?
00:43 <Scottie> Thank you, it is most certainly a huge responsibility. What is next for me is to rebuild North Side to the best of my ability, and in time to obtain the position of Godfather within the district.
00:44 <Scottie> I also hope to maintain to the core values of having each member of my family grow beneath me, to be the best they can be.
00:45 <Reporter> Well I for one cannot wait for that day, I'm sure the celebration will be immense. Is there anything else you would like to add?
00:46 <Scottie> I would like to comment that Duplicity is Simply.Amazing, and that all should Hail Dat Ass that Visas swings around
00:47 <Reporter> Haha well put. Once again thank you very much for your time. This has been very informative.
00:47 <Scottie> You are very welcome. Thank you for your understanding.

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Joke Of The Week

Three men are stranded on a desert island, they find a lamp,  they rub it and a genie pops out. "I will grant you each one wish" he says. The first man says " I wish I was back home with my family." Poof, he's back home safe and sound. The second man wishes the same as the first and poof. The third man says. "It's lonely here now, I wish my friends were still here."

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Reporter's Rumor room.

Disclaimer: Rumors are usually false or funny. If they are false they are sometimes funny but not always. If they are funny they are usually false but not always. Sources will remain anonymous.

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Rumor has it the leader of Paradise has been asked to step down. Cin was authed into her district a while ago by Seph. Reasons for the request have been floating around. From arguments, to bloodline hatred. It's still unconfirmed however, although it seems there is turmoil between her and Seph.

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Apparently DemTitties has da best titties according to a recent poll conducted in my head.

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I was told that the reason Puffs' crew will never have a name is because she is a temp CL. Housing downtown members until Phil_Steak comes of age, and is able to set up a crew of his own.

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Batgirl's Advice Column

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Dear Batgirl, My husband is going out all hours of the night. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and he'll be gone. When I ask him about it, he says he can't sleep so he goes out for a walk. When he comes home he smells of perfume and I've seen lipstick on his suit more than once. Do you think he might be cheating on me, or am I just paranoid? If so what should I do?

~Blinded by love

First thing you need to do is, when he comes home is make him a sammich. Guys love sammiches. If that doesn't work, try wearing more revealing clothes when he is home. If that doesn't work either then you need to change your strategy. Nag him! A guy wants someone who can keep him in line and he would love nothing more than to have you nag him all the time. Last resort is cry. Don't say anything, just cry. You lost, someone is better than you. Gotta start over from the beginning and make sure you get his money and the house!

All joking aside, you need to leave that scumbag. He's obviously cheating on you and you deserve way better. I don't care how much you love this guy, cheating is unacceptable. If you need to stray elsewhere then you obviously don't love your spouse anymore. It sucks having to start over from the beginning with someone else but it's not worth living your life miserable knowing that he is with someone else instead of being at home with you. It will hurt, but it will get better I promise.

xoxo

Batgirl

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Dear Batgirl, I've been in my crew for 11 days now and I can carry over 25 pounds of drugs. Why hasn't my CL promoted me yet? I've been nice too, I just don't get it...

~Annoyed in Philly

First of all,  you need to whine and complain that you turned 11 days 15 minutes ago and you still haven't gotten a promotion! You're entitled to your button so make sure you let them know that, you don't have to do anything to earn it. If you still haven't gotten your promotion 30 minutes after you turned 11 days you may as well suicide. Your CL obviously doesn't know how amazing you are to make sure they're online the moment you turn 11 days to make sure you get that promotion! 

In all seriousness, you need to work your ass off for your crew leader. Make sure you send donations to help your family, you are actively talking with other members in the crew, if you are working on a gun make sure you do your best with that as well. You need to prove to your boss that you are worth it, you need to earn your button. Sometimes CLs get busy and aren't able to promote you the day you turn 11 days, don't get discouraged, just keep working hard. If after a couple days you still haven't gotten your promotion, message your CL and ask what you can do to earn your button, that you have been trying hard to earn your button. Hopefully that helps!

xoxo

Batgirl

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Horoscopes

As Interpreted by TheReporter

Aries

March 21 - April 19

Remember this week, you can be wrong even if you are a female. Arguing about toilet paper bands might seem like a good idea at the time, but be careful lest it leave you in a shitty situation. The front of the line may look good, unless it's the unemployment line.

Taurus

April 20 - May 20

Compromising isn't your strong suit, but you may want to this week. Psychoanalyze, and criticize your friends, as this will give you the conflict you crave. For daily advice consult Bazooka Joe, consider the gum an added bonus.

Gemini

May 21 - June 20

Don't let the other you take over, he/she doesn't think straight. If you get thoughts like "Don't run over that kid on the skateboard, you wont get 10 points." or "Pissing on the seat is a bad idea, what about the next person to come in here?" ignore at all costs. Remember you are the one in control.

Cancer

June 21 - July 22

If you are going to be nosy this week try to keep it on the down low. Eavesdropping, and looking in windows is a good way to accomplish this. Take on everyone's problems as well, remember, you were a welcome mat in your previous life.

Leo

July 23 - August 22

Your narcissism might be tested this week, but remember, you are the greatest. Who cares what your psychiatrist thinks. Stay at the center of attention as that's where you belong, even if it's at this weeks AA meeting.

Virgo

August 23 - September 22

If things don't go your way this week don't let it get you down, do something, anything twenty times, and spin in a circle three times. This will make you feel better trust me. Beware of phallic objects.

Libra

September 23 - October 22

If you make a decision change it three times just to be sure. People will particularly dislike you this week feeding your paranoia. But remember if they are talking behind your back they don't have the time to stab you, again.

Scorpio

October 23 - November 21

This could be your week to be famous, look for your opportunities to shine. Your friends may help. As a famous Scorpio once said "I never thought I was normal, I never tried to be normal"

Sagittarius

November 22 - December 21

Blurt out the first thing that comes to your mind. People love honesty at the dinner table. Why hide your true feelings when you can be blunt and to the point. This is especially effective in church, and in a court room.

Capricorn

December 22 - January 19

Your dislike of everything and anything will come to a head this week. Cynical as you may be, it might be a good idea to win over a few people, as they may be part of your jury someday.

Aquarius

January 20 - February 18

Get shit done today, or put it off till tomorrow, as long as you do it tomorrow, or the next day, maybe next week. And heed this warning a funeral is not a good place to meet chicks, it doesn't matter how cute you think that distant cousin on yours is.

Pisces

February 19 - March 20

Be creative when it comes to your morning routine. Some people like bacon and eggs some people like jumping out of a plane at 30 thousand feet. Just make sure you get that less than qualified high school drop out to pack your parachute for you.

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As always we want to hear from you! If you have something to say write TheReporter P.O. Box 12423, Chicago, Illinois.

That does it for this weeks paper I hope you all enjoyed it, if not, I hope you die of skin failure.

Visas screws up the paper before throwing it in a trash can.

Utter Tabloid garbage she hisses. Before turning to Hayley and Technical 

All this stuff about disappearances and and reputed gangland slayings and not one mention of Dat Ass of mine anywhere in the paper.

What about the real issues plaguing the land? We have a damned CatBug roaming around unchecked who knows what type of diseases it brings with it.

The tensions between Duplicity and myself hitting boiling point over Hayley being seen leaveing my bedchambers, What doe's @TheHitcher really hide beneath his Top Hat, How did Raccoon manage to bribe Jaguar not to eat him. These are all questions that must be answered.

Turning to Technical a look of fury in her eyes Grab Chong and bring TheReporter to my office he will get an interview about the real issues of our land.

DemTitties bounces over to Visas who is fuming and grabs the paper with his nips.

Did you even read the paper?!

DemTitties points to the mention of DatAss in the paper.

See! Right here! That fuck mentioned you, and he didn't even mention DemTitties. Ya, I'm MAD!

How could i read that Tabloid garbage? All this talk about alleged criminal organisations and underworld slayings and no mention of the real issues that plague our society.

Issues that are plain as day to see like why doe's @CalogeroDiSalvo paint on his Abbs. Has @KevinOwens resolved his issue of being homeless? Will woman make an annual pilgrimage to the statue of Pantiesbedroppin.These are all legitimate questions that need answers along with the Glory of Dat Ass and Dem titties.

Oblivion walks up to the fuming angry Demtitties and Visas, and kneels before them.

I would like to offer my sincere apologies. I believe that there should be a full page for both of you in your honor. May we forever honor Demtitties, and Dat Ass. For they are truly a spectacle to behold. Albeit, Demtitties are very scary, and I often have nightmares after my forced experience in motorboating.

Oblivion shakes his head and grasps for his flask in his coat pocket. He pulls it out and quickly drains it.

Helps relieve the memory. 

After one of his louts summarised "The Mafia Herald" for him, Credits shook his head. 

"Stone, take a letter" he said as his underling quickly moved into note taking position. Stone was good with letters and was always his Don's first choice. Although, as most of his upper structure couldn't read or write, Credits didn't have many alternatives.

"Dear Sirs, I'm not sure if this is an attempt at seriously journalism, humour or a combination of both, so I will just clarify a couple of things regarding the opportunity in Bella Vista in case it is the former." 

He paused momentarily and began pacing his office. It helped him think and focus his attention.

"The opportunity presented is certainly not "Pay As You Go" as the actually monetary element is extremely small and only for use in the regeneration of the Philadelphia Business District. This isn't an "auth for cash" offer. It is a route to leadership for those who find themselves unable to get the nod from their current Don, for whatever reason that may be. The actual minimum criteria required in order to be considered for authorisation here is pretty stringent. One of my guy's has plastered it up here if you would like to acquaint yourself with it before your next issue."

He nodded to himself, wondering if anything else was required "Yours sincerely, yada, yada" he added with a waft of his hand, deciding it was not. 

A couple of minutes later, Stone's finely penned letter was on it's way to the Herald. 

I'd just like to reiterate what Credits has said if I'm honest. I enjoy having a newspaper to read on our fair steets and this one is definitely one where I can see effort is put in. 

However, Credits made it absolutely clear that cash is NOT the main driver behind this project and if you'd bothered to fully research your stories before printing them, you would have seen this. There are much, much better terms than 'pay as you go', considering the only cash requested is a measly 250k per week, which isn't going into Credits' own coffers, but to the upkeep of the business district in Philadelphia.

The rest of the newspaper is a fine read and I hope to see more of it in the future.

Glancing through the paper with his near boiling hot coffee, Phil_Steak take a sip and immediately, involuntarily spits it out through his mouth and noise. You can only imagine the pain of hot coffee spouting out of ones nostrils... not pleasant at all.

"I was told that the reason Puffs' crew will never have a name is because she is a temp CL. Housing downtown members until Phil_Steak comes of age, and is able to set up a crew of his own."

I can't even be mad at this rumor, I love attention too much. How come I haven't heard these rumors until just now?! Brilliant! LOL.
 

Puffs is stepping down?!

Avery's lip begins to quiver

This can't be so, I only just got here. I have a bed to sleep in, and a little food in my stomach. How can this happen?

A single tear rolls from her eyes, followed by another, and then another. Soon her eye liner was running down her face as she stood shocked and sad on the street corner. Why did everything around her have to fall apart she wondered to herself between sobs of sadness.

Thank you Credits and KevinOwens for so quickly correcting me. In hindsight Pay-As-You-Go seemed like a term that wouldn't necessarily apply here, I humbly regress. I'm sure Credits is not just giving this chance to anyone who has 250K in their bank account, as there seems to still be only one CL who has proven they deserved a spot in Bella Vista. I hope to see this continue in the future, and only those truly worthy get such an honour. However that is not for me to say, the responsibility lies solely with Credits.

Did I miss the first edition? I'd like to have that one.

Nefertari walks up to the Renacer family office. In the street she notices some people muttering, anxious, and curious. She stops at the newsstand of Mr. Holmes. He looks at his longtime client and says. "Miss Nefer there was another edition published of that newspaper you asked me to leave bookmarked. It really is a must read, I advise the Miss to check out the interview part."

Shaking hands with Mr.Holmes she opens the newspaper, and sits on the bank of the central square of the city on the North Side. It is a typically sunny, and hot summer day with the kids running and playing in the park. After reading this week's events. To her surprise in the interview section the respondent is Oblivion, her great mentor, and head of her crew.

Spending bit of time, Nefertari finishes reading the newspaper. She enjoys the content, and hopes her horoscope is correct. If so she may become a famous person. She agrees about the part that of any scorpio person can be normal.

Tony picks up a copy of the Herald from a news stand on the main street. He puts it under his arm and hails a cab back to the HQ in Detroit. As he makes himself comfy in the backseat he pulls out the paper and opens the first page. By the time the cab stops he is done with the paper and passes it to the cabby along with a note. "Keep the change" he says as he pops his coat collar and heads inside the building. That paper gets better with every issue he thinks to himself. Looking forward to next weeks edition. 

Having rushed out to get the newspaper first thing as soon as it was published, Rose had to reread this edition for a second time.  The newspaper just gets better every week.  Interesting stories and rumors being circulated around the country.  Seems Visas was only mentioned a short bit which is indeed a shame because Dat Ass needs full recognition daily.

The horoscope section gave her a good laugh as the previous week's horoscope did.  Rose pondered if any of that stuff was true, but time will tell.  She read Batgirl 's Advice column again, and sat there on the bench chuckling to herself.  Funny yet ending on a serious note, the advice was spot on.  She knew who to speak to if she ever needed advice on something.

Rose folded the newspaper up then relaxed on the bench, sipping her coffee.  She congratulated TheReporter the other day when she purchased her copy, and mentioned she was anxious to see the future editions.  The newspaper was well written, and kept her reading from front to back with interest.

After Vas1 finish reading the 2nd edition on the paper with his cigar and breakfast and says why this good newspaper dont come more often

After Vas1 finish reading the 2nd edition on the paper with his cigar and breakfast and says why this good newspaper dont come more often

After Vas1 finish reading the 2nd edition on the paper with his cigar and breakfast and says why this good newspaper dont come more often

Reading the newspaper and thoroughly enjoying it with his morning coffee, Soul glances at his horoscope

Gemini

May 21 - June 20

Don't let the other you take over, he/she doesn't think straight. If you get thoughts like "Don't run over that kid on the skateboard, you wont get 10 points." or "Pissing on the seat is a bad idea, what about the next person to come in here?" ignore at all costs. Remember you are the one in control.

I am the one in control. I am the one in CONTROL. I AM THE ONE IN CONTROL...........yeah time for some serious pissing on the seat action then. I hope no-one is going to be catching the plane after me! Oh and them pesky skateboard kids had better watch out.....Oh wait is that not what this was telling me to do? Erm don't sit in row 4 seat D.....

Makes a short sharp getaway

Pausing on a bench, he grabs a copy of the herald as he sips at his coffee.  Sitting down he spread his elbows out as he held the paper as if to put off people from sitting near him.

perusing through the pages he looked on with interest wondering why puffs crew were that mysterious a family name, maybe was to evade the law as he sipped at his coffee once more

nodding a little as he read through the paper he looked over batgirl's advise as he smirked thinking what he would do as someone demanded a promotion

Reading the stars he let of a simple grunt as if dissapointeed before throwing the paper in the bin as he huffed to himself

"was all going great til the stars, fine issue"

walking off, he sipped at his coffee as slid in to the crowd

As was the norm.. Chase finished up his daily collections. It's what we like to call "security" to those in the great city of Chicago. People expect to be protected.. and those protecting had to be compensated for said task. 

Since Chase was out and about.. he had to stop for the newest edition of the Mafia Herald. As he had two times before.. Chase gave the boy, at the paper stand, his two cents and took his Mafia Herald. Not in a huge hurry.. Chase sat in his car and unfolded the paper. TheReporter has yet to disappoint.. surely this edition would be no different.

Chase sat there pondering some of the things he'd just read. It's nice to have this paper around.. unless you're extremely social in these streets, it's hard to find things out. It's almost like you have to know somebody. But then we look back at why people pay their dues to stay protected. Not their business.. they just know their money helps keep them safe, not to be bothered with how and why. 

As always.. Chase finished up the paper with a smile on his face. Very happy that he can be kept in somewhat of the loop once the paper is printed. This means he has to call his good friend TheReporter and tell him what a damn good job he's done.. yet again! 

Chase fired up the car and put it into gear and pulled away from the curb.. all the while thinking how terrible skin failure must be.