The Cosa Nostra Times
Issue II

Ronin - Editor in Chief/Current Events
Cordelia - Current Events
Mosley - Opinion
Dick Baggington - Satire
Cassi - Advice
 

We would again like to apologize for being slightly behind our announced release date. All of the recent bloodshed, combined with the death and/or resignation of a few of our writers, most of the work was left to one man, and therefore took a bit longer than anticipated. However, we still feel we have put our best foot forward, and hope you will enjoy everything that Issue II has to offer!

Simply Scorched
Ronin

More bloodshed has shaken our world in recent weeks, as another city has been removed from the ranks of La Cosa Nostra. The strike again came in the early morning hours of a seemingly quiet night, and again, a scorched earth policy was employed.

At 4:22 AM on Oct. 21, a first wave was launched on prominent mafiosi from Brooklyn, Manhattan, and South Philly. A coordinated effort of Chicago and Detroit hitmen were the aggressors. In that wave and the ensuing ten minutes of bloodshed, twenty two New York and South Philly gangsters were put to the grave.

District heads KevinOwens of South Philly, Brooklynn of Brooklyn, and SammyGato of Manhattan were all killed in the wave. Other notable deaths include their captains and hands, as follows:

ThomasSpurgeonJr, MichaelGato, Fenrir, SamTheJeremyBeadle, CarolPeleiter, Mudkip, EveGato, Spiels, and VictoriaStone, to name a few.

The attacking side suffered virtually no losses.

Oddly enough, parts of New York and Philly were left out of the attack, and did not join in after the wave. Still standing in Bronx was Eorati, well known to be connected to Chicago through Blackwater. And in Philly, Eredin and his other two subordinate leaders were left be; Memento_Mori and Rita_Hayworth. Again, Eredin’s connections to the powers in Chicago kept him and most of his city alive.

Don Kimble of South Side came forward to explain the strike not long after, citing paranoia from New York and general distrust and lack of respect from South Philly. A full transcript of the speech can be found here.

Again, our world has been reshaped, and more districts have been emptied. We here at the Times are sure they won’t be open for long, but time will tell who moves where.

Pastures Anew
Ronin

After the most recent mob war hit our streets, a lot has changed in the way our world looks. Here is a short summary of all the movement.

As expected, Don Kimble of South Side, Chicago was given his own city to command; New York. He chose to keep Eorati, recent survivor of the NY/SP takedown, in the city as one of his district heads. He then authed SpikeS into Brooklyn alongside him. The third district remains empty at this time.

Eredin, acting godfather of Philadelphia, decided to step down and disband his outfit. He transferred or killed his remaining members, and took a place in godmother Duplicity’s internal family. There was no public reason given as to why.

His captains, Rita_Hayworth and Memento_Mori were permitted to keep their families and move to a different city. Don Rita joined up with Kimble of Brooklyn, New York. Memento moved west to work for Visas in Downtown, Detroit.

Philadelphia has been entirely emptied, and all signs say it will stay that way for a while. Los Angeles remains empty as well. Perhaps there are plans to fill these cities in the works, but as of now, we cannot report on any potential moves.

***

After another week or so, both Kimble and Eorati took their places at the top of their respective districts in New York. Kimble as Chairman of the city, and Eorati as Godfather of the Bronx. The ensuing auths were Toby in Brooklyn, and Thrall in the Bronx. 

A Real Rogue
Ronin

Friday, October 29th our world saw the first true rogue it has seen in quite a while. In the early hours proceeding dawn, Chicago Dons Rusty and Credits, both of Christopher Phillips Industries, made a coordinated rogue attack on New York and Chicago. What happened in the next 24 hours or so is, to say the least, confusing.

Rusty connected on his shot, Killing New York Don and right hand to Kimble, SalvatoretheBear. Merely moments later, Rusty himself was dead, the first of many victims to the 1% Gods that day. Credits’ first target was believed to be Godmother Duplicity herself, though we have yet to get that confirmed. After failing that shot, credits got protection and made an appearance on the streets, claiming he was offering free protection shots to the Dons of the country, but giving no clear reasons as to why.

Many mafiosi met their ends in Credits’ rather impressive run, some to him, some to 1% kills. Those include: Desired, Anton_Giovanni, Paddington, JagDaSelva, TommyAngelo, Jezebel, Ladyfighter, BigAl, Kangeroo, and Mike-Ehrmantraut.

Credits was finally gunned down at 09:54 on October 30th, precisely 24 hours and 17 minutes after SalvatoreTheBear was initially gunned down. He was killed in South Side, Chicago under some murky circumstances. He had a proer following him around, and they met in Chicago to take out Mike-Ehrmantraut. Credits took the shot, fully expecting his young proer to keep him safe. However, the lad, who had come of age around five minutes prior, was not granted the rank of “Gangster” when he arrived in Chicago to take the shot. Hence, Credits was left uproed, unprotected, and vulnerable to a multitude of assailants.

In his funeral, many gave the man recognition for his excellent rogue run, rather than bashing him for why he actually did it, which we still do not know. It was, after all, an excellent showing, and a very well organized attempt.

With a good portion of the next generation still rather unhappy with the current powers, this may not be the last rogue we see. Stay tuned.

Leaving on a Jet Plane - Cerebellum's Departure
Cordelia

After all the candy wrappers and costumes were tucked away this afternoon Chicago's leader Cerebellum made a rather abrupt departure back to his homeland. Word has it that he could not dedicate himself to his family in the amount that was required due to family business outside of our cities. Instead of continuing to disappoint his members and staff he decided it was time to go home.

After conversations with the Chairwoman Godfather of Chicago, Duplicity, Cerebellum decided that retirement was the best option, albeit rather unexpectedly. He informed those he felt needed to know and hopped the next flight out of the country. No pomp and circumstance, just putting his priorities straight and taking care of business.

Some are calling him a coward and throwing his name in the mud without knowing all of the facts. However, as happens quite often, some things are better left out of the Streets and, yes, even out of the paper. He made the decision he did for the better of his family in the end and that's what is important given the situation.

The city of Chicago asks that you allow his family members to join Duke, who is taking over for Cerebellum, and not prey upon those that are busy stealing purses and selling their wares.

There is no conspiracy, no dirty laundry, just a man that had somewhere else to be. No tinfoil hats are required.

We wish Cerebellum all the best in his ventures from here on out.

The Troll(s) Under the Bridge
Ronin

In recent weeks our shores have seen an influx of “trolls” gracing our streets. Using the protection of the Gods to keep themselves safe, they have invaded the streets, spouting words passed down to them from their parents' journals.
 

After nearly every takedown, we see something similar to this, but normally it isn’t quite as prolonged as this time. At least five people are constantly trolling the speeches of the current leaders and their associates, even making speeches on their own. There is a common theme of detest for the current regime, and even the state of our nation as a whole.
 

Funnily enough, some of the bloodlines at it are well known for telling past trolls to “Suck it up and move on,” or “Rank up and do something about it.” Maybe a few of them should take their own advice.
 

One has to wonder, however, what kind of effect their words might have on the next generation of mafiosi being brought up through our ranks. Obviously, the powers that be will be annoyed with the trolls, and will be trying to silence them at some point. But really, the only way to do so is to wait it out until they either remove the sand from their respective vaginas, or go incog and start hitlisting/bodyguard shooting.

Three Points
Mosley

When Ronin approached me to write for his paper I took a moment to think about the subject of my piece. I had plenty of ideas, of course, but like any man who takes himself a bit seriously I have no desire to make an absolute clown of myself nor did I want to be overly bitter, cynical or negative (or all three?). So keep in mind that this wasn't written with the intention of sounding like an old man talking about how stuff was better in ye olde days, even if it may appear so. 

Here goes. Bastards.

1) The lack of individual venture and personal ambition seen in bold suits. This is a pretty bold (ha ha) claim so I'll just say now that it only applies to a very select few (so I don't offend any sensitive people). What I'd like to see is more leaders putting their mark on their family, their district or even city. For city heads to start up schemes such as taxing both new and existing business districts instead of allowing these businesses to pop up like mushrooms at no cost.

To create an atmosphere in which leaders aren't expected to be nice and hold hands with everyone in the streets and the coffee shops, but that they can mouth off (at times) because of their rank, prestige and their reputation in these places. Instead of complaints about a leader being directed towards the Chairman of another city, go to the leader yourself and deal with these issues? Shoot him in the face if you feel that offended. Gee, do something that makes you stand out!

I must say it is incredibly disheartening to see a Godfather, a city head even, who basically only exists to do the bidding of the Chairman of another city. Even going as far as to state without shame or anything that they'd be willing to plunge their entire city into a war without even considering the reason, if that particular Chairman just asked. That is quite ridiculous, don't you agree? Instead that Godfather should be his/her city's dagger/mass executioner or whatever fancy term he/she'd prefer, instead of being the same for some other city's head. Honestly if you're a city head and your only goal in life is to do the bidding or protect some other city, that is pretty lame. Eh? 

2) The second point is the weird obsession of the upper structures in this world with going outside of the traditional process of authorization, for whatever reason. I wouldn't attribute this weird fetish to only our time as it has happened plenty of times before, but that won't stop me from pointing it out as a bad trait of our society. 

When leaders, Godfathers and city heads don't know what to do anymore, they resort to asking their upper structures to contribute to molding (yet another) different/experimental/anarchist city out of Los Angeles. Seriously people, what is so fucked up about that city that you constantly have to fill it up with something else than 'plain' leaders and their families? The drug deals may suck at times but hey, they have neat names there!

Often the terms anarchy, free-for-all and free-to-do-as-you-please zone are thrown around as if they're positive terms, while they're not. In a society based on Hierarchy, Discipline and (sometimes) loyalty, how do these concepts contribute anything? It's different, sure. But why is different good by default? 

What is wrong with sticking with the system? Unless you're someone who thinks his hard work is being overlooked for some friend of your leader who got authorization at eleven days old (and you wouldn't be wrong sometimes) these experimental or project cities are just there for shits and giggles, existing to entertain people from the established cities.

''Who will die first? Who will make an ass out of himself?'' Stuff like that. Is it perhaps to give some people the false impression that they're out of the reach of the ''powerhouse'', like if you don't want to feel like you're working for the ''head honcho'' (although you join a city basically created by that person) thus basically giving in to people bitching about your tyranny and over-representation of your influence in their daily lives? Either way you'll end up interfering in the end, the project will die and people will bitch more. Nothing is gained, but perhaps that is how it should way. The cycle must continue after all.

3) My third point is rather short and hopefully the point. If you're so damn annoyed with young civilians, thugs or gangsters with some ''tag'' that gives you a penalty from teaching them how to swim,  making an ass out of themselves in the streets and causing a bit of a ruckus, just ignore them already. Stop feeding them, and please stop trying to argue with them if you're just gonna state the obvious of ''You're just a thug. You don't matter, why should I listen to you'' and all that nonsense. If you truly though they'd be so insignificant and worthless you'd hear their words and laugh. You wouldn't make such a fuss about it (unless that's your thing). It hideously clutters up our street corners too. Not a pretty sight. And you won't get rid of them anyway. Not a very big deal, all in all, but I had to include that. It's rather annoying.

Mosley out.

What Gets Dick Grinding
Dick Baggington

PP friendly/unfriendly

The whole idea of this being plastered on someone’s suit annoys me in the first place. But since it’s become a staple of our current world, I’ll comment on it.

A couple of you seem to be confused as to what “PP friendly” actually means. It means you allow people to PP you, without the risk of being mugged. Not that you “reserve the right to mug” or “Might mug depending on mood.” Clearly, mugging someone is considered being PP UNfriendly. I would have thought that was obvious. You’re either ignorant, or just a massive dick. If you want to mug people, that’s cool. But that means you are not PP friendly, and should therefore be stated so on your suit.
 

I even remember seeing someone with “PP me and I will mug you, as far as I’m concerned, mugging is a game feature and is OOC.” How. Please explain to me how beating the shit out of someone is out of character? Someone. Anyone?
 

Trolls

Y’all had me chuckling for a minute there, but now it’s just getting lame. Kindly go sit on a w(h)ine bottle.
 

Guns For Hire

Please kill KingRevan, so he will stfu and retire already. Might as well do Visas while you’re at it as half his city was at your speech asking what it would cost to kill him.
 

That little dweeb that was trolling the first issue
I dunno where you got your nuts, but I find it quite ridiculous for you to just come out and try to shit all over people’s hard work, when you clearly lack the ability or intelligence to do anything near what we’re doing. Die of Herpes.
 

Who influenced me
Your nan.
 

Shoutouts to people I love
No one. You’re all cunts.
 

Love,

Dick
 

Ask Cassi
Cassi 

Dear Cosa Nostra Times Readers,

I am interested in joining up with the paper. In order to do that I need you, the readers, to mail me! I'm going to start a Dear Cassi column, provided that I receive the letters to keep it going. At the bottom of this I will include a couple of examples so you understand how it will go. I am longing to provide advice, no matter what subject, no matter how weird, silly, funny or serious it may be. And all names will be left out! How you sign your letter is how you will be shown in the paper, so it will be completely anonymous! To the general public that is! Alright, so now that you know... Send me your letters!! I can't wait to hear from you!

Sincerely,

Cassi in Waiting

------------------------------

Dear Cassi,

So I have this problem. I am in love, Dear Cassi. With a very important man. But I'm starting to feel like things are not mutual. I write him letters, he never responds. Every time I fly to the same city he's in he, he up and leaves without a moments notice. He's even been seen shooting at some of my family members! What can I do to make him open his eyes and see what is standing before him??

Sincerely,

Hoping to be Mrs TylerDurden

Dear HTBMTD,

I'm not sure I would call what you are in love... I believe there are laws against what you are doing actually. I would suggest that you tone down the stalking before it gets you thrown in jail. Although there, you would receive more love than you ever thought possible.

Sincerely,

Apprehensive Cassi

----------------------------

Dear Cassi,

I have been tap dancing to help with my aggression. During these lessons the other dancers have been quite inappropriate in their blatant lust. I was focusing hard on getting a proper leg stretch to prevent any possible injury and almost the entire class was ogling me like a piece of meat. I am so sick of working so hard in this class and having everyone else look at me like I'm just there for aesthetics. I get there early to have enough time to warm up, I dance in the buff for easier movement, I make sure to get a healthy meal in before class with enough time to digest so I am full of energy, and yet everyone else just acts like I am some sort of failure. How can I get them to take me seriously? 

Sincerly, 

Brilliant Tap dancer

Dear Brilliant Tap Dancer,

I feel like I'm missing some part of this here. I cannot understand why no one is taking you seriously. It sounds as if you're doing everything right and even going above and beyond!! I am wondering... Maybe you should stop by my office and do a demonstration for me. I could probably help you much better that way if I were to see this in person.

Sincerely,

Willing To Do Anything To Help Cassi

Classifieds
 

The Cosa Nostra Times is in search of writers to contribute to the December Issue. Yes, our classifieds are so shitty we had to put our own ad in here to give it some sort of content. We would like to find at least one more opinion writer, a horoscopes guru (who is preferably witty), and another current events columnist. Please send all applications directly to Ronin.

If you would like your business to be listed in our classified section, please contact the chief editor's office between the normal business hours of 8 pm to 5 am. 

Things you (hopefull) might see in the next issue. (But probably not.)

-Actual Classifieds >.>
-Horoscopes?
-More death and despair
-People being butthurt and us writing about it

Thanks again for giving us a read! We hope we were everything you wanted and more, like the night that SpikeS met his idol, Ron Jeremy.

Excellant as always, Ronin - can't wait for what the third issue will bring!

Awesome read, captivating all the way through!

Ricky_Bobby finally finds something to do with his hands and gives Ronin a quick round of applause.

Ilammo puts down the latest of the Nostra Time after taking his own time to read through it, making sure no details was left uncovered. It was definitely a good summary of what has happened recently. He definitely can't wait and is looking forward for the next issue.

Ilammo then continue sipping his warm glass of milk, watching the day go by before him.

That was pretty good. I enjoyed it quite a lot. Give us more, I say, give us more!

As we stated in issue I, Ragnarok, it is not our goal to be solely funny. Nor could we hope to duplicate the Barble, should we wish to even attempt that. We just want to report the news, and if we can make a couple jokes here and there, poke fun at some people, we will. But the entire paper is not aimed at being satirical. 

Although I appreciate your input on the matter, as always.

Cato reads over a particular passage in the newspaper, and wrinkles his nose. The excerpt reads "He made the decision he did for the better of his family in the end and that's what is important given the situation."

You know, I've not been around for all that long. With some leaders silent as the fucking grave, the very least I hear about crewleaders comes from their members and those who have had the rare opportunity to interact with them. In my few weeks, I heard quite a bit about Cerebellum, but none of it was positive. Credits, the rogue mentioned previously, actually had a large number of requests for him to shoot Cerebellum.

Now I get that we respect the dead and I have no interest in "dragging his name through the mud." I've refrained from even mentioning this until now, simply because I thought Our Thing would would just ignore his shortcomings. But are we really considering him a good leader and saying he's "doing what's best for his family" by suddenly retiring with $10,000,000+ on-hand? I get that the "standards are dropping" rhetoric is getting repetitive, but this feels more like pandering than reporting. What's the purpose of even writing about it if you just patently ignore the reality of his tenure as a CL?

Gierstrad picked up a copy of the latest Cosa Nostra Times and started reading diligently. Each column gave him excitement, and it also made him ponder about the balancing scales of power among the cities. He is more than interested to read about the next issue.

~

Revan walks down the street and notices a stand with a seedy looking man behind it, the sign above reads 'Nothing to see here, Police.' which of course grabs the Kings attention. Sauntering over, he notices a bunch of nudie mags, but underneath them is where the real prize is; a newspaper about the Mafia, who would have ever thought it? No one, because he just made this entire thing up, in reality a small sickly looking boy was peddling his paper outside of a few stores, his name was Ronin or something, but the fiction was much more exciting.

Grabbing one of the papers, he skipped through most of it before something stood out to him, "KingRevan", it was his name. Surely this was not a misprint, but someone was actually talking about him?! Oh, the elation. Throwing a few quarters to the boy, he jauntily walked off.

"Great paper, would ignore everything outside of the small part that mentions me again."

Retrieving a small pair of scissors from his pants, he cuts out the excerpt and pastes it carefully onto his wall.

"What a great paper."

I thought that myself Cato. 

Over time I've seen numerous people either retire or take their own life and leave their members to the wolves. Crew leaders are meant to protect their members while they earn. Its the trade off. Work and pay your dues while you receive protection while doing so. Ultimately, sure. Cerebellum may have protected his members during his reign but he did not accomplish his own retirement before allowing them to be cannon fodder. I am happy to see Godmother Duplicity hastily attempt to protect those with an order, but I am saddened to see this trend continue when leaders give up on those who work so hard for them.

I think much of what I just said can be related to Credits and Rusty 

Half as funny as the Gwarble Barble, try harder Ronin.

Its still more than anything your bloodline has done in years. 

Instead of acting like a dirt bag why don't you give praises to a group of people who are willing to do great work for a genuine newspaper? Seems to me the next article in the paper regarding trolls should feature an interview with you.

Arabella enjoyed reading the paper daily; it had become a past time of sorts. She would get her coffee, grab the paper and settle down for a few moments of quiet. Today she had stumbled upon a new paper, one she hadn’t read before but found particularly suited to her own station in life at the moment.

“Fascinating and well written. I’ll have to make sure I pick this one up again.”

Miss Niki just finished the latest issue of the Cosa Nostra Times. She noticed there were quite a few new writers this week.

Most very insightful - @Mosely - leave it to him to tell it like it is. Cassi - what a great advice column! Maybe she can include a helpful hints column -like how to remove blood from your overcoat. 

Ronin again - hats off.. I'll be purchasing this again next issue.

Miss Niki tucked the paper under her arm, grabbed her handbag and headed to the airport.

Anthanasia walks to dukes officer and sit in from of Duke.

Duke keeps smoking his cigarrets while she reads slowly the Cosa Nostra Times pointing the important news from the mafia streets...letting the newspaper falls on the table she say:

Really good points hope they keep up this way of show the news. Mister Duke we must to go now is almost the meeting hour.

Ohhh Mosley so bitter arnt you?

Was it more fun when your kin had power?

you could shoot who ever the fuck you wanted some of those folk where killed over and over again do we need to name them?

but i will name a few BoD Freelancer Epsilon Skorpion all on that groups hit list but my god someone should turn the tables and its unfair so fucking sad.

Since when as an Ally of Chicago should i as City head need a legit reason to back my Ally? New flash governments have taken entire countries to war to back there allys.

Now do i do Duplicitys bidding? No she asks me if i dont want to i can say no. She would respect that but i will never leave my ally in the lurch as i may well need Duplicity and everything she can provide to save my city.

And i know damn well she will now the crux of this is your bitter/salty over 2 deaths we wont hide that from the people you want this to see its not nice.

That was your words to the death of a hand from Chicago ordered by myself why was he shot like a dog in the streets?

He was a Hand of Chicago his first duty as a hand is to protect that crew that city from danger to the best of his ability that job in no way includes shooting sleeping bums on park benches (RIAS or refreshing rogue) when a real life rogue Credits is shooting the shit out of the city he as a hand is sworn to protect.

Or should we goto to KevinOwens? I was surprised he lived as long as he did more so after abuseing the RH to Dulpictiy Psychopath but Duplicity most have been like a cat with a mouse she had him where she wanted him an pounced when it was most unecpected it was nevewr in doubt who i would support my friend kevinowens? Or my family the Sirens Call of fucking cause family is greater then friendship.

Now Mosley since when has it been that those in power dont support each other?

Roman/Premier Stamina/JessieJames Deadlysin/Philsteak/Spacecowboy Curtis/Tetley now i left out a few in that but lets say the biggest groups where those from Czylharz and a certain group you are/arnt a member of i cant say those numbers but most know what i am talking about.

Was it more fun then for you? And now being on the wrong end sucks well welcome to the club mate it happens get the fuck over it dont become Teq as i really think your better then that Teq loved lording it up but kill him. How fucking pathetic

My kin never shot anyone the fuck they wanted. Get your facts straight. As for why you would want a reason to help an ally? I don't know but I wouldn't be comfortable with the idea of my city possibly taking losses without there being a good reason to.

Since you've decided to bring that topic up, I'll address it. Should RasAlGhul be shot? He was shooting a RIA when Credits was running around, but when questioned about it it's no-one's business. And I hear TonyStark has been shooting things that aren't Credits too? But I only heard that through hearsay, so unlike you I won't wildly claim things.

KevinOwens doesn't have anything to do with our current topic, I suggest you stop trying to broaden your case further, clutching at straws. At least you came out on the streets about it, after abusing my mail box with incoherent shit about groups and whatnot. 

Scrotie looks upon this grave situation and does what he thinks is best for the bitchiness. He hands out salty pants to all and sits back, hoping to see more drama.