Sheets of paper blow down the street and you stop to pick a few of them up.  Several blocks away, the Godmother of Detroit, Marietta Rossi, shakes her fist in the air and throws a few more sheets of paper into the wind.

Dear Ms. Rossi,

It has come to my understanding that you, as Godmother of Detroit, have direct control over the businesses that are allowed to set up shop in Detroit.  I'm planning on starting my own business, and I was hoping for your approval.  The business is a Hot Dog Cart, which I plan to set up in front of your headquarters.  I'm going to name the business after my father, Richard Negative, Jr.  I'm calling it "Little Dick's Teenie Weenies."  You see, that's the catch.  These aren't normal hot dogs, they're bite-sized hot dogs.  Teenie Weenies.  Our slogan is "It's not the size of the weiner that matters, it's the taste."  And I'm willing to let you in on the ground floor on this.  For a paltry million dollars, you can be a part owner of a Little Dick stand. 

You can send a check to:

Mr. Negative, Box -1

Dear Mr. Negative,

I'm sorry, but I just can't see your business plan working.  I can't imagine someone paying for a small weiner when they can get a much bigger one for the same price.  I'm afraid that you just won't be able to satisfy customers with your "teenie weenies." 

Sincerely,

Marietta Rossi

Dear Godmother,

I write to you today to express my disappointment with you as a Godmother.  You won't take my calls, you don't remember to send me a card on my birthday, and you never bake me cookies.  Also, aren't you supposed to have magical powers or something?  What gives?

Mr. Negative

Dear Mr. Negative,

While my powers are extensive and fearful, they are far from magic.  I'm not your fairy Godmother, or your Grandmother.  However, I've enclosed some cookies.  You're looking thin.  You should eat. 

Love,

Marietta

Major break through! Did Godmother Marietta just tell say size matters? What a wise woman! ;)

Dear Mrs. Rossi,

I will be in Detroit very soon to gamble.  I wish to gamble at your casino and spend lots of money.  I have heard that your casino is very hospitable to high rollers like myself.  However there is one concern which I must address. 

I like to gamble in the nude.  It's a good luck superstition that I have.  If your hotel is truly as accomodating as I've  heard, then there will be no problem.  I plan to check in around three Friday afternoon, get undressed, and gamble for twelve hours straight.  Please let me know if this is a good time for you. 

Sincerly,

Mr. Negative

Dear Mr. Negative,

For the love of God and all that is Holy, try going to the casino down the street.  I'm sure that one of the Rourkes would allow you to do it.

Clothed,

Marietta

Dear Mr. Negative,

Considering your revelations regarding size, I'm surprised you're interested in gambling in the nude.  I guess you really are a high roller, or at least willing to gamble that people won't point and laugh.

And considering Marietta's revelations involving size, perhaps if you had more to offer, she'd welcome you with open...

arms. 

Sorry, paused there for a moment.  Anyway, you are welcome to gamble in New York.  After all, what we can't see won't hurt us. 

Stay positive,

WillHayes

Dear Mr. Hayes,

I'm shocked and appaled at your insinuation that, somehow, my proposed hot dog business was somehow a reference to my personal anatomy.  Get your mind out of the gutter, sir.  As for my gambling in the nude, I believe that you'll find that my nudity is somehow comforting, like a security blanket. 

Largely,

Mr. Negative

Dear Mr. Negative,

It may not just have been your Hot Dog business that conveyed your endowment to Mr. Hayes, it may have been thought that you are in negative inches due to your name. Please correct me if I am wrong.

I however would like to join you in gambling feeling al fresco so to speak.

Bigger than life,

Il_Siciliano

Petra writes from her hotel suite in Detroit:

Dear Mr. Negative,

I am delighted in your hotdog venture of "Little Dick's Teenie Weenies." It's always risky to start a new business venture, but I see you have the courage, conviction, and dedication to see this business go on and on -- and on and on. Have you considered possibly parking an enormous truck next to your cart with refreshment incentives to compensate  for the size of your weenies? Or are you confident they can deliver?

Curious,

Petra

Dear Mr. Negative,

I am honestly having a difficult time understanding how you plan on compensating for less meat.  You didn't even offer any alternatives to taste and feel in the mouth and when it goes down the throat.  Is it smoother, being that the weenies are smaller?  Are the extra juices enough to offer customers something they could not get elsewhere, with a bigger hotdog package?  I mean, do you even have condom..ents for the weenies, or do you plan on allowing people to stuff themselves without protection... from the bitter taste that any weenie could incur? 

These are all answers I am eagerly awaiting to here when you get the chance.  But please, don't halt production on my account.

Skeptically,

GoodFeIIa

Dear Mr Negative,

DO you have any special moves in your hot dog making, to amuse the consumer and to compensate him for the lack of size?

Do you use your tongue in any manner?

Sympatethic,

LM

Dear Mr Negative,

I am very interested to hear about your target audience. If your businness is limited merely to one type of customer, then your weiner may find it has limited possibilities, where as if you became a little more open minded about what your willing to do with your weiner, and where your willing to let it go, who knows? I would personally be very interested in investing in your weiner if it is open to a larger audience, together we could take this venture far. I would also be interested not only in helping you sell to those who already like weiners, but marketing to convince those who aren't too keen, that your little weiner may just be the right thing for them. I am open minded and not somebody who will limit you to me alone as an investor and am happy for anyone to invest with us, the more people that we sell the idea of your small weiner, the further this thing could go.

Yours Eagerly

+ID+

Dear MR Negative

I am interested to know just how teeny your Little Dick's Teenie Weenies actually might be, Atho i do agree that at times it isnt the size that matters, but I do like a big Weener to get my lips arround, I couldnt imagine the disapointment I may have if i was to inser a Little Dick's Teenie Weenie into my mouth and find it was simply not large enough for me to feel satisfied by it. I am sure you will clarify this matter at your earliest convenience.

Kind Regards

_Estelle_

Races back to the street, and sits at a make-shift desk in the middle of the street, pen in hand.

Dearest Estelle,

I'm sorry to hear that Mr. Negative's weiners can't satisfy you.  I think, if you were to come to New York, you'd be much more satisfied by the variety of weiners we have in our city.  We definitely have no one-size-fits-all policy, and are sure you'd be pleasantly surprised.  We know we can measure up, and are eager to rise to the challenge.

Not only do we have a variety of weiners, we also have an assortment of "edible" wraps for your mouth's pleasures.  We hope to see you in New York soon. 

Warmly,

WillHayes

Dear WillHayes,

This is the kind of thing me and my associates are bored of. One mindedness seems to fill your mind, so to speak. You talk about how your New York weiners would be able to satisfy Estelle. However I wish you would advertise to a wider group of people. Remember you cant categorize people who like weiners just by looking at them, and you may be surprised sometimes when you find out how many people are actually willing to try a weiner if given the chance. Size shouldn't be the issue here, it should be how we market our weiners and whether our attitudes of our customers should or could change.

Where as at first glance it may seem that Mr Negative is at a disadvantage with the size of his weiners, you will soon realise that those who are not sure about whether to have a weiner will be more willing to try one, a little more bite-sized, rather than jump straight into a jumbo sized thing that us more experienced weiner eaters may go for.

Furiously,

Identity

Dear Mr. Hayes,

I have some concerns regarding your New York style weiners.  A nice young lady I met in a bar here in LA once told me her horrific experience in the city of New York regarding these weiners.  It was not necessarily the size of these weiners that first alarmed her, but rather the look and feel of them compared to others she has had.  The first bit of the weiners in question, she explained, almost forced her to gag.  She immediately removed the weiner from her mouth and began to sob. 

At this point in the story, I was heartbroken that she could have gone through something so traumatizing.  I was unaware that she still had more to tell.  When the young lady spoke to the man who sold her the weiner at his local vendor stand, she soon discovered the cause of the problem.  The individual, like many New Yorkers, failed to use proper sanitary techniques that would prevent any diseases to come with the weiners.  Of course, this lady in her naivety, failed to use protection and she herself fell ill and nearly died as a consequence.  I was so upset to hear of these conditions and the lack of respect the vendor stand owner gave her, when he threw his weiner back in her face simply because she had shown signs of gagging at the sight of them. 

In short Mr. Hayes, this young lady was not only dissatisfied with the New York style weiners, but she gagged on them and practically died from the ensuing illness.  Since then however, she has moved to Los Angeles and has been pleased with the variety and sanitary quality of our weiners here.  The day she sat down and told me her tragic story, I was so moved that I reached into my pocket and pulled out my... wallet so that I could get her a weiner of my own selection.  So I hope that Ms. Estelle does not make the same mistake by going all the way to NY and suffering from LA weiner envy thereafter. 

Keep it clean, keep it safe,

GoodFella

Dear Mr. Negative,

I am quite enthralled with your idea of selling teenie weenies.  However, not everyone enjoys such a delicacy, and we don't want any gagging customesr now do we?  I have a proposition to help you in this.  I shall set up a taco stand next to your weenies, and then everyone can pick the taste that their palates are truly craving.

Lick a teenie weenie or dive into a taco?

Azura

Dear Mr. Negative,

I am a man who loves vision, and once more, little wieners. If I were to purchase a share in your company, would you mind setting it up in front of my HQ in LA? You see, I am a rather large man, and smoke quite a bit, so getting around is difficult at times, it would be a convienance for me to have a wiener stand right outside of my HQ.

Begging,

Gaius

Dear Gaius,

I really don't think that's a good idea.  We really don't want to encourage bad habits.  Instead, I believe Detroit would be a good spot for this tiny weiner stand, and that you should make an effort to walk there and back every day.  That way if you don't fall over from a heart attack you'll be hungry when you get there.

And don't let this discourage your love for the weiner.  Far be it for any of us to judge you on your love of the tiny weiner.  Just make sure you don't eat too many. 

With luck,

WillHayes

To all whom this may concern,

I think it's good how other cities are suggesting a place for Tiny Weiners to be, sadly I cannot suggest to Mr. Negative to come to Philly as we love giving our big fat juicy steak meat to others and do not accept small sizes but if you can talk Mr. Negative into selling big weiners are am sure we will have a place for him. If however you would like a big piece of meat with the pleasant aroma of cheese all around it then please come to Philly, I will even let some of you have a free sample as obviously my meat is worth paying for.

Yours truly and with reserves all ready,

Il Siciliano.

Dear Il Sciliano

Reagrding your invitation to Mr Negative, as a resident of Philly, with all due respect to you Sir, I must protest the inadequacy of your words.  We pride ourselves on honesty after all.  The "pleasant aroma of cheese surrounding the meat" truly should be the unappetizing, odiferous cheesy like smell filling the streets from your open HQ office's window (Which I understand is open due to a rule of Godmother, bless her concern about the rest of the people in her HQ). Speaking of which, I must ask if our HQ has laid in nose plugs for the next wind moving our way.

Sincerely yours

Morgan