ISSUE 1

Table of Contents

1. Introduction
2. Conspicuous Chronicles
3. HellFire Column
4. Ages Pages
5. Mendacious Matters
6. Deceased Drollery
7. Legalities & Credits

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Introduction

Hello. Welcome to... *Untitled*. Wait, we really named our paper "Untitled"? Wow. Anyways... This paper has been manufactured from 110% New Yorkians. Yeah, we recycle our PEOPLE into paper. That's how cool we are. Don't ask how we do it.

As for the actual newspaper, you'll find it to be like New York garbage dumps. Useless, disgusting, offensive, yet possibly entertaining. So, sit back, pour yourself a cup of hot piss and have a read. *Untitled* is here for your enjoyment, and it's here to stay.

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Conspicuous Chronicles

Here's the part of the paper where we get to tell you about what's happening. For those of you who are too apathetic to go outside (but you obviously went outside to get this lovely paper), we have recent events for you. Oh yeah, we've got everything from... fatal snowball fights to who's dog almost got shot for shitting on the godfather's lawn. Here's what's been happening in the 8 mafia-pwnt cities:

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Quirinus is WHAT?!
That's pronounced "Kweer-A-Nus"

Amidst the controversy over Donfather Vidi's death, a new guy stepped up in Saint Louis. Don Quirinus (now Godfather Quirinus) took over the position of Godfather in Saint Louis, to throw Rhuarc off the record books. Ever since "The war", Saint Louis was intended to be given to Philadelphia, and they would auth whoever they felt could take on the role of "city head". The first guy that came to Godmother Scipita's mind? Paul_Vidi. However, due to an odd gun malfunction (which the Miami gun factory supervisors are still trying to figure out), he was killed. More details on that are further on.

All in all, Quirinus got his chance. The big kitty cat got his own land to roam.

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Don Durden
Who?

Don TylerDurden, and 60+ of his mob-mates decided to infiltrate our streets and... stand there.

What? They just stood there? Yeah. What a bunch of dumbasses. They have the largest crew in the nation, and they just stand there and let us shoot them. Of course we shot them. You think I'm gonna let some punk "go bold" and his friends run all over the place. No, not happening. For this place to work, we need order, organization. So, nation-wide, the miscellaneous crime syndicates came together to topple Durden and his affiliates. They didn't put up much of a fight.

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Don Durden
Wait, what?

What the hell?? Didn't we just kill this fucker? Yeah. We shot him. Twice. I'm pretty sure Deimne got him as soon as he got out of his car. That person was later confirmed to be a... clone. (What the hell is a CLONE?) Anyways, Durden came back. At least this time he didn't bring all his friends, only a few. They were taken care of rather quickly. A message from the gods confirmed that the Don and his associates would raise from the dead every full moon, or so. THEY'RE ZOMBIES... Or something like that. At least we all have enough BGs we don't have to worry about getting eaten by zombies. Our BGs can get eaten first. (They're slower.)

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Happy Whineday!
I celebrate everyday.

Anyone who looks down the streets can see people bitching. We see it on a daily basis, almost. First, we had "What ticks Wraith off", and then "Julius rants and raves". Is there a reason for this whining? Is it Whineday? I didn't realize we extended the usual 7-day week to 8 days. I guess someone complained they didn't have enough days in the week?

Anyone who's got half a brain knows they aren't happy. They aren't content with the way things are. We understand that. As a matter of fact, we'd like to help. Julius brought up an incredibly valid point when he described his absolute hate for Extremely Rich people in families. Members shouldn't be keeping their cash on hand, and should pay it forward to help out their boss. With this in mind, *Untitled* is opening its doors to donations. We know how difficult it is to hold onto that extra $10,000,000, so just send it our way. WE know what to do with it. With each donation, we'll give you a little picture of just ONE of the many people that had to die for you to read this paper. Congratulations. It's like adoption, only more disgusting.

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Newspaper Frenzy!
They're everywhere!

Who knew everyone was a writer? Well, they're not. Many think they are, but they're not. We've got daily papers, weekly papers, and the [Censored] Post, which is now deceased (GRHS). What I don't understand, is how these kids get away with printing DRUG PRICES in their newspapers, and don't get hauled off by the cops?! I mean, hell, they're helping mobsters nationwide make a buck. I'm not gonna tell em to stop, but you've got to warn them of the dangers, right? Anyways, newspaper fever is out there, and we've caught it. Lucky for us, we're moderately intelligent. Yay.

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HellFire Column

What's a Ranker's Word is Worth

Welcome readers to this weeks article of HellFire Column. What I discuss here, well more of a rant, is basically the things that pissed me off this last week. Considering many people have felt the need to rant their hearts out in the streets, I shall go with the flow and do it myself, here. This week I shall talk about one issue that bothers me a fair bit. Which is, when people with certain ranks speak thinking their rank entitles them to voice an opinion higher than they actually should.

Let's all get one thing straight. Godfathers say and do whatever they want; those of lower rank can shove it because no one else is at a rank to question why they do things. Just yesterday I heard of a petty thief mocking a Godfather, it seemed to fire up some people. This naturally made me laugh, because, where does a petty thief get at, thinking he can even talk during a Godfather announcement. If I ran things, I would make it so no one ranked lower than Made Man can even open his mouth in the streets. All you low-rankers to me have the equal status to the dirt on my shoes when it comes to voicing an opinion in the streets.

If you low-rankers have such an urge to talk then please go to your family's head quarters, I am sure they would appreciate your ranting more than the people in the streets. For those who are not even part of a family, those thugs, petty thieves and civilians do not even bother with the streets. Your opinion is... nothing. Nonexistent. I shit on your thoughts, and use your opinions to wipe my ass.

Now to those high-rankers. Wow, would you look at that, this fella got Made man, now he is top shit and nothing in the world can stop him. Said made man did not last very long, what a surprise. To all those Made Men reading this right now, YOU ARE NOT TOP SHIT. You have just been given a rank that enables you to a very small opinion in this world of ours. I'm sure your own family values your opinion hence the promotion. But here in the streets I would only expect words of congratulations to newly auth leaders and such from you. I'm not going to be a harsh prick, sure you can state an opinion on a certain matter but only if the person who brought this issue to the streets is near or equal to the same rank as you. If a GodFather says something is right, and you, Mr. Topshit made man, come in and say they are wrong, well that's a straight up pew pewing right there.

As always, the more you go up the ranks the more your opinion is valid and what you say is respected. But the problem with this is that low-rankers are getting the respect what high ranks should be receiving. The reason being cause their bloodline was some awesome super cool dude/dudette. Well you weren't that awesome super cool dude or dudette, they were. For me you have to prove yourself all over again before I will ever respect you. Some are too thick headed thinking cause of their bloodline they will receive some extra respect and that they can strut around the streets saying what they like. Well you are very wrong, go ahead and keep thinking that, but you won't last very long.

Now one last thing, all you Right Hand and Left Hand Men/Women. Do not think that you are a hand that this gives your opinion more respect then someone who is same rank but not a hand. Your hand position only gives you superiority in your family, but outside of it I couldn't give a shit what you have to say, especially if you are a low rank. Have a high rank, then you might get me to listen to you, but unlikely. Naturally, this does not refer to GodFather hands. They should be respected at the same level as a crew leader.

HellFire Column is at an end for this week, I hope this makes you think next time before you decide to open your mouth in the streets. Of course next issue I shall be discussing another topic that has pissed me off, though I would like to say there won't be something to piss me off, but there always is. Until next week, readers.

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Ages Pages

This part of the Newspaper will be where we bring in recounts of the past. It will be where stories of the old days are told, whether it be about wars or legends. For the first issue I thought we would go with someone who basically everyone has heard about. This person was highly respected as well as feared throughout the community. She reached milestones that were only dreamed about at her time. I myself have always been in awe when I heard stories about her. Her name was Anita.

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The Story of the Rise and Fall of Anita by BrutusTheBarber

Anita's life began in the summer of '06. There had recently been a massive catastrophe which wiped out all the inhabitants of the six cities. Slowly, several men rose to power. Most of them were quite unimpressive and scarcely made their presence known. One, however, stood out from the bunch. His name was Achilles and he rose to power in the City of New Orleans.

Achilles drew much of the better talent to his crew. Anita found her way there along with her close friends Piggeh and Black_Fog. The days were dark as the cities were still recovering from their apocalypse, but slowly Achilles grew strong as the mongs died out as a direct result of their own incompetence, with a little help from Achilles' strong gun. As the mongs died out, the cities were empty and needed to be filled. One of these cities was Philadelphia. After some discussion, Achilles decided that Piggeh would be the man to fill the vacancy in that city. Piggeh headed off to Philadelphia, and with him he took an ancestor of the goddess Tiggy to serve as his RHW, Black_Fog to serve as LHM, and Anita to serve as his Hit Squad Leader.

It was rather novel and unheard of to have a female hitsquad leader back in those days. The massive male egos and testosterone which filled the average hitsquad room made it a challenge for any woman to thrive, but Anita handled the job with grace and efficiency. In fact, it wasn't very long after Piggeh's family, The Valiant Jousters of Amber, had set up shop that they decided to remove the top power in the nation at the time. Achilles had since retired and joined Piggeh, which left a man named Striphe as the dominating force in the cities. Because Striphe seemed unresponsive to the misconduct of some of his members, The Valiant Jousters moved in and quickly removed Striphe from power. Anita had passed her first test as a hitsquad leader.

There were several more wars after the war on Striphe. Piggeh was never shy about using his gun and his hitsquad to handle business. It did not last very long, however, because one day Achilles decided to be a massive C and he went rogue, killing most of the other leaders and also Piggeh. This left many people without families and Cosa Nostra was in a state of chaos. It was Black_Fog who restored order, by taking over the reins of Piggeh's family and continuing the Valiant Jousters of Amber. Many throughout the cities thought this was a time to get out from under the rule of Philadelphia, since it appeared they were at their weakest. This was not the case, however, as Black Fog quickly proved. He announced that he would be running the city and that anyone who attacked a sponsorless Jouster would be killed. Black Fog was one of very few leaders who ever took power by force, rather than through authorization. Ironically, he did so reluctantly and out of love for his family. With Anita by his side, they continued to run the family and grow strong. Piggeh's son, Ulysses, showed up at his door and asked for a job, to which Black Fog accepted.

Many things could have gone wrong for Anita during this time, and history would be greatly different. She might have been killed sponsorless after Piggeh's death. She might have been killed in the many wars of the day, which occurred two or three times a month. She could have died in a fatal accident as she aggressively trained her gun. Luck, however, was on her side and she survived until she was in a comfortable position in Black Fog's family. She would be stepping into power sooner than she thought.

As mentioned, Black Fog's heart was not in leadership. He took the position out of necessity, but once Anita became strong enough, he was ready to step aside. On October 22, '06 Black Fog made the arrangements with Anita to have her take over the family, then he went to the house of Ulysses and asked for his friend's son to put an end to his life. It was done, and Anita's control of Philadelphia had begun.

Anita was never one content to sit back and enjoy her power. She saw her position as the most powerful head of family to include improving the infrastructure of Cosa Nostra as a whole, not just her own city. To this end, Anita was a pioneer. She created the "Amber Entertainment Division", which created weekly activities for the public throughout all the cities to participate in. Those who participated were able to win large sums of money straight out of Anita's bank account. She also sought to provide instruction for those learning our way of life by creating as many jobs in the family as was reasonably possible. Almost everyone who wanted busywork was given something to do, and Anita was a master of communicating with her family members. The loyalty she received in return was immeasurable.

It wasn't all hugs and rainbows, however. This was a different day and age, when mobsters were more power-hungry and bloodthirsty. Rarely did a week go by where there wasn't either a rogue attack or an all-out war on Philadelphia. Everyone wanted to be the top dog, and it was Anita and her fearsome hitsquad, who stood in their way. With the likes of Ulysses, Will-C, Evsie, Jesse James, Deano, Noob, Flash-Fire, Don Gotti, Bella, and others, her hitsquad was a force to be reckoned with. Despite the frequent attacks on her family, Anita was sympathetic and understood that it was simply something that came with her status. In order to minimize casualties and act in the best interests of Cosa Nostra, Anita decreed that low rankers, usually Earner and below, were to be left unharmed if they survived a war. Although this comes as no surprise today, back then there was usually a scorched earth policy regarding every war. Anita is to thank for the safety offered to war survivors on a regular basis these days. It was also Anita, together with her RHM Ulysses, who created the rule regarding safety for gangsters who had been on the shores for less than 48 hours. Although prior to her rule, lip service had been paid to various protection policies, it was Anita who was the first to enforce it. These days, her policy has become so widely accepted that the Gods have adopted it as their own rule, providing consequences for it being broken without good cause.

Anita was feared by others during her reign. Perhaps it was justified. She did have a fearsome gun and a fearsome hitsquad. What was often overlooked, however, was that after her first few months of rule, every conflict she was in was initiated by others. She confided to Ulysses at one time that she was tired of being labeled a tyrant, and would no longer attack preemptively. This policy did not serve her well, but she survived. Perhaps the most famous war of all time, the so-called "Team Good Guy" war, was during this period. An unprecedented alliance of nearly every city outside of Philadelphia decided to band together to remove Anita from her throne. Such was the nature of power politics in those days. Only Scotland in New Orleans sat out, retaining her loyalty to her former Boss. Everyone wanted to be the top dog, and the top bitch needed to die for that to happen. The war was long and drawn out. In the interest of brevity, the result was that everyone died except Anita. It wasn't just a great victory, however. It demonstrated her worthiness and work ethic. For almost three days, Anita fought off attackers, with no sleep while everyone around her died. She lost almost her entire family due to that war, but it would not be long after that until she would meet with the Godfather of Philadelphia.

After eight months of working 12 hour days or more, the day finally arrived. It was much more difficult to face the Godfather in those days. Anita worked tirelessly, but the reward made it worthwhile. While the entire coffee shop named Divine Lunacy watched in awe, Anita drew guns with the Godfather of Philadelphia. Such an event had never before been witnessed and even Anita's most bitter rivals cheered her on. In the end, the Godfather dropped to his knees, and Anita was named the first ever true Godfather.

She was not about to stop there, however. Anita continued her work and supported Scotland's leadership in New Orleans. It wasn't long after that Scotland became the second Godfather. A period of peace followed the TGG War, and prosperity returned to the cities in a way rarely seen prior to this time. There were two Godfathers, and Dons in most cities. Mercedes, Legacy, and Sweetness were a few of the other city heads, and for the most part they worked well together.

Anita's leadership was symbolized by growth. This was a time in our history where we grew exponentially. At one point in the beginning, it was rare to see 20 mobsters wandering the streets. By the time Anita's reign came to an end, seeing 100 mobsters was not uncommon. The end? Ah, yes, the end. Anita was not killed by an assassin's bullets. Rather, she died of natural causes upon the occurrence of another worldwide apocalypse. Born after an apocalypse and death at the next apocalypse was her life span, and many great things happened in between. Anita is a legend that will never be forgotten. Many of the things we take for granted today were spawned during her leadership and as a result of her strength and direction.

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Mendacious Matters
What's going on?

Here's where we take the time to tell YOU what's happening. We'll tell you who we've seen, doing what. It's a crazy world out there, and we're your only source for up-to-date mendacious gossip.

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES
Godtucker Lucretia_Borgia was spotted in locals coffeeshops a few days ago. Our reporter informed us she/he/(it?) was screaming at the top of his/her/its lungs, in agony, at the loss of her beloved Keypunch. Lucretia responded to a comment about tyranny, with a "number selection system". Ms. Borgia would pick a number, 1-8, and kill whatever city that was picked. For those of you who value your lives, RUN. The world isn't safe until our beloved Borgia is appeased.

Iota? Who?
Godfather "BK Snacker" Iota was reportedly.. seen. This is news, since he hadn't been seen for nearly a month. He emerged from his HQ, pale all over from lack of sun exposure. He walked outside, decided it was too cold, and returned to his home. It's like groundhog day, only less exciting. We all miss you, buddy. Please return soon.

PedroRourke & Q
What do they have in common? They both hate member whoring. A once-common practice among our streets is slowly being eradicated, thanks to these two. They've stepped out of their HQ (which was tough for Pedro) and told us what's what. We love seeing this initiative, and support it whole-heartedly. Well done, both of you. Keep up the good work.

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Deceased Drollery
RIPGRHS

Flash-Fire - Major sadface. Flash was reportedly running naked through the streets, waving around his gun. Most of us were smart enough to stay in our homes, especially when Mr. Fire gets some alcohol in him. Unfortunately, Dawg_187 didn't get the memo, and was walking down the sidewalk on that fateful day. The inebriated Flash-Fire apparently walked up to Dawg, and tried to take his wallet. Instead, his gun goes off in his hand, completely unplanned (don't we know how that goes). Dawg_187 is shot, and fatally wounded. Flash realizes what he's done, and dashes down the street. Godmother Scipita, seeing one of her men dead in the streets, turns and fires a rifle shot down the street. The bullet makes contact, a perfect hit, from 200 yards. Flash-Fire falls to the ground, and a frenzy engulfs Philly as everyone wants to get their hands on his BGs. With no one to guard, the bodyguards just stood there and... died. Too bad, they would've been valuable in TylerDurden's crew.

Capo Keypunch - No... Don Keypunch (still don't get that joke). Don Keypunch was found dead in his home, apparently struck by a lightning bolt. He was reportedly "polishing his gun", while the bodyguards stood outside. The lightning came, and not one of his army of BGs could do anything. Rest in Peace, Keypunch. You'll be missed dearly.

AnubisTesterGuy - The world has lost one of its best. With the loss of Mr. TesterGuy, the world is a bit less safe. He was here to test all of our guns, vehicles, and women. Now how will we know what's safe? We won't, and it's all because some heartless bastard killed my Guy.

GabrielMancini - Fucking hell. We loved this man, and those bastards that sold us his pistol betrayed us. His gun blew up in his hand, killing him. We've already run the gun salesman out of business, and his car will soon be found at the bottom of a lake. Faulty weapons seem to be becoming more popular as of late, and someone needs to pay. We're organizing a violent underground riot against all the gun dealerships. Rest in Peace, Gabe.

Telkin - Telkin... He's dead. No further comments.
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Legalities
Irony much?

We understand that some of the things we've printed may, or may not be, controversial. For this reason, we'd like to discourage those easily offended from reading our next issue. You've gotten a taste of *Untitled* (pretty naste taste), and if you don't like it, don't read anymore. We're here to bring you completely untrue facts of things that may/may not have happened (biases are included, no extra charge). So, if at any point you feel this newspaper is less than exemplary, we suggest you not pick up another issue, ever again. It's only going to get better (worse?).

Credits
Thanks Guy

Such a great read, Mux. I am looking forward to more of this in the future.

Great start Mux.

Ages Pages for me stole the show. Love hearing about the 'Good old days', willl look forward to the next one.

Blagger stands in awe, yes awe, and thats not something Blagger normally stands in at the sheer magnitude of this tabloid. Finally a paper he can really sink his teeth into.

What a fantastic Paper, I was hooked on every word and can't wait to read the next issue. I particularly liked the Story about Anita, my Grandfather used to tell me about his time in Anita's Crew and serving as Bella's RHM,

Blagger reverantly folds his new favorite gossip rag and places it in his sathel before dandering off to find out if there is anything even remotely as entertaining elsewhere in the 8 cities.

balian browses through the different News Papers available at the News Paper stand and his eyes get caught with the News Paper titled *Untitled*

"Must be some kind of mistake or something." After looking again the front page, "Oh they really titled it *Untitled*, Lets give it a try."

He then purchases the News Paper and quickly heads to the HQ to read it.

Mux, I'm very impressed with the quality of this news paper. While the streets have seen many papers come and go, I hope this one stays for the long term. Its well written and I can see it catching peoples attention very quickly. Fantastic job sir.

SuperMan grabs a copy of the paper and sits down with his hot chocolate to read. After reading he stands and walks over ot Mux.

"Tell everyone who was part of this paper that they did a very nice job. It was a good read and the quality of the news was good. I hope you guys keep the production of this thing rolling. Thanks."

Puck was enraged for what he has done.. He sees the paper "*untitled*" not interested with title itself . So he puts it back to the bench where its been left off.

Lesson learned, do not judge the newspaper by its title..

P.S. : I love the whining part, it makes me feel respected

Very good newspaper and I enjoyed reading it. The old stories and news stand out and it was a pleasure.

Smiles and rolls up the newspaper and walks off

Alessia grabs the nearest paper at the newstand on her way to the coffeeshop. Sitting down and sipping her coffee, she reads it through. Going through her purse to find pen and paper, she writes a quick note to "Untitled"

Dear Sirs and/or Madams
I fully enjoyed every aspect of your newspaper today and will definitely be on the lookout for more to come. The variety of articles and the well done editing was superb!

Sincerely,

Alessia

The best paper I have seen in recent times after Lucretia's paper (GRSH).

Well done Mux, I look forward to the next issue.

Arabface see's a kid selling papers on the street corner and picks one up.

"Whats the big news this week kid?"

"Queer anus sir."

"Wha-? Did you just call me a..."

Arabface grabs for the little urchin, but he skips off down the road before he has a chance.

"Little bastard."

Arabface grabs a copy and walks into the nearest cafe to read through it.

Great paper.
Hope people will look up to it when adventuring in these business!
Congratulations!

TheSandman finishes reading the newest newspaper on the streets and chuckles to himself

very good read really enjoyed it looking forward to reading the next one thank you Mux.

good paper, congratulations!

Delirium picks up the news paper and takes a seat on a park bench.

I must say I do enjoy this paper. Mux, I can't wait to read the next newspaper.

Delirium gets up and walks off holding his copy of the "Untitled" newspaper

<em> Rereads the paragraph about how low ranker opinions mean nothing and sheepishly says </em>

Even so Mux, I enjoyed very much. I love your position on everything and hope to see another.

SINGER finishes the paper and looks up ready to congragulate MUX for this his work well done but then pauses thinking he better not say anything just give a good thumbs up to the Boss.

Way to go Mux thats a lot of work and it Paid off. Blessings.

Wow how could I miss this??

Great work Mux, really like to read about old times as well as recent events.. Keep it up!

I have to say that I'm glad other New Yorkers stepped up to the plate and attempted to fill the void left by the New York Post. This was a very enjoyable read and I look forward to future editions.