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Gwarbley Barbleing
by Gwarble
Running a newspaper is a tricky business. Not in the sense of being difficult, because I'll be honest with you Barblites, when you're as evidently talented as I am this sort of thing writes itself. People may raise the point that this is because the Barble is largely just my genius, steadily diluted by Hoopi's inept correspondence and shelly's inaccurate commentary to the stage that it is more misguided than David_Webb's increasingly ridiculous assessment of newspapers in the last six months. Those people are stupid and going to hell. Especially David 'nobody has made anything good since I last touched myself to the Chronicle' Webb.
We've seen a lot of discussion about journalism this week, including a lot of self-promotion, even more hype, mediocre competition and aspiring comparisons. Unfortunately for all concerned Giovanni_Verrazaro wasn't looking to challenge the established dynasty built by the Barble, but instead looking to go shot for shot with the ratpiss that was The Reaper Daily. We would have welcomed the challenge, although it is pretty clear at this point challenging us is very similar to challenging Noah_Levenstein to a game of being boringly neutral - You're going to lose.
Despite the destruction of another pretender to our crown as King of tittle-tattle, we didn't become sidetracked with kicking the lame three legged dog production that Giovanni put out, we've done what we always do and delivered you some half-truths, outright falsehoods and a lot of things that are probably right, but may actually not be right in reality and supported with pesky facts and everything. You know, the usual.
We sent shelly out to set up his observation tower, study the stars and produce an accurate reading for the horoscopes. Instead, shelly got himself a 6 litre bottle of cider, found a delightful park bench and established his operation centre. After sleeping rough in an already occupied box, he returned to Barbleville covered in an equal mixture of sick and urine, not entirely his own and handed in a less than encouraging analysis. If that wasn't disappointing enough we also had to deal with Poisonousjelly's letter of complaint that he had never given his consent for shelly to stay in his 'house'. At least that's what we think it said. It was hard to understand having been produced in crayon in the hand of what we can only assume was a leprosy ridden child. I'll let you finish this one off yourself, but to cut a long story short - Yes, sneakyrat probably is inbred.
We also fired Hoopi off to Los Angeles, all expenses paid by our sponsors, in order to get the low down on the new business district proposals. Unfortunately he spent the majority of his trip in Cap'n Bob's Pirate Fun House and Male Go-Go Bar, with a particularly ripped gentleman called Giles, which meant he just had to improvise and guess what went on. In unrelated news, Hoopi wanted me to pass on his best regards to Cryptic and would like to inform him that he'll pick up the tab next time.
Luckily, unlike tweedle dumb and tweedle dumb I was as diligent as ever. I've rocked up with some stunningly wonderful insight into a whole host of topics. I've also conjured up a beautiful looking death wish list, equipped with a whole host of reasons as to why David Webb is an idiot. Keep your eyes peeled for that nearer to the end.
For those keeping score that is Gwarble Barble 3 - 0 Other Newspapers.
Enough preamble. It's Barble time.
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The Sport of Kings - Barble Race Day
by Hoopi
As Journalistic Kings (RIP *Untitled*), we felt it only right that we wallow in our excellence here at Gwarble Towers by hosting a Gwarble Barble Race Day. I wouldn't quite say the entrants are fit for a king, but they'll have to do. We're only here to point, laugh and feel important anyway...the quality of entrant on this fine day only helps us in our quest. The rest is top notch though so get yourselves dolled up Ladies and Gents, grab your finest suit, your hats, binoculars and money clips and get your bets in.
Note: No, you can't actually bet, but I will keep your money if you are stupid enough to send me any.
The Camazotz Handicap - All jockeys must exceed 9 foot tall and will race on elephants due to horse insufficiency. Race may be cancelled due to high winds.
The Mogwai Sprint - Less of a sprint, more of a disinterested plod. Race is over a staggering 4 ranks and expected to finish well within 4 months.
The Shelly Chase - No horses in this event. Shelly dons some stockings and suspenders, screaming "chase me, chase me!!" and is pursued around the course by a pack of sex-starved transvestites.*
The Iota Handicap - All horses handicapped by carrying an additional 27 stone and jockeys must eat a couple of jumbo burger and fries on the way round.
The Gwarble Hurdles - Only for horses who can't run the length of themselves without having their ego rubbed, mainly by themselves. There will be several pit stops for ego massages during the race to keep the entrants in shape.
The Kates Dressage - Not an actual race, the horses are too good for that. Instead, they prance around pretending to race.
The Noah Show Jump - Not your traditional show jump. Rather than jump over the fences, participants score highly for landing on them.
The Evangeline Stakes - A race for the vertically challenged relative to their love interests. Jockeys will race on the back of dwarf ponies and earn time bonuses for looking like their steed.
The 3-Legged Race - Only one runner this year, BoabyWan "Tripod" Kenobi. Race cancelled due to participant's death.
The Roman Derby - Cancelled. All participants have withdrawn as they are too scared to ask for permission from the Mrs. to attend.
The Deimne Steeplechase - Retired horses only. First horse to the opening water jump earns a bed bath and a nice warm bowl of soup. This race is unlikely to end. Ever.
*Race has never been completed as Shelly enjoys being caught too much.
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Another auth, another disappointment
by Gwarble
I know what you're thinking, another auth and it wasn't you Gwarble? What is wrong with the world! I hear you friends, but here at the Barble we believe in giving everyone the chance to succeed and prove their ability. This is especially the case when someone is given a shot at going bold and we're ever hesitant to cast judgment and condemn someone's tenure too early on in their stint. After all, people grow into these roles and mature over time.
With that said we're confident that Pooh_Bear is going to be absolutely rubbish, possibly the worst auth of all time. You can trust us, our judgement is largely spot on it has to be said - just ask BrutusTheBarber, Shitbrick, Vitti and Tommy_Carroll.
Oh, what? You still want more reasoning?
Fine.
Reason 1 why Pooh_Bear is going to be dreadful:
Hakuna Matata quote - 'There are no worries' eh Pooh_Bear? There fucking are. You've got to watch out for disease, growing troubles in Europe, police crackdowns, particularly troublesome old ladies, every young thug trying to make a name for themselves and faulty weaponry. High on our list of worries though is that stupid quote. 95% of all auths with a stupid quote turn out to be absolutely rubbish, unfortunately Godfather "Don't make me get my flying monkeys" Deimne continues to defy the trend.
Reason 2 why Pooh_Bear is going to be dreadful:
He couldn't find a suit that fits - 150x225. How difficult is it? You're meant to be a boss, with all the wealth and glamour that comes with that title. Sack your tailor. You're probably going to draw your gun, end up tripping over those oversized trousers and falling flat on your face. Who is going to respect you then? Not us.
Reason 3 why Pooh_Bear is going to be dreadful:
The CrazyNine kiss of death - "Now go out there and tell everybody you know so they know there is a new Captain in New York" coming from the lips of Don CrazyNine this may as well be "and he'll soon be dead". I'm hesitant to suggest that the Imperial Hawks are cursed, but when it comes to expansion they have a rather shoddy track record. Think I'm wrong? Mux had this to say on the issue:
That's right. Nothing. He's dead. Curse, curse, curse.
Reason 4 why Pooh_Bear is going to be dreadful:
"P" - Nobody with a P as the first letter of their name is going to be a success. Pixxie is a semi-retired homemaker making dinner for -V- when he gets in from a hard day in the yard tending to his pigs and the less said about PoisonousJelly the better. He tried to make himself a voodoo doll and ended up marrying it. This is the company you're keeping, failure is certain.
So there you go, four completely logical reasons why we can write Pooh_Bear off as a footnote of history.
(If you're interested in what CrazyNine actually said about authing Pooh_Bear, it can be found here: http://mafiareturns.com/comm/thread/85892)
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Horrorscopes
by Bob Liar
Capricorn
Those photos that you let your "uncle" take of you will be anonymously posted to your friends and family this week. They won't understand your cries that you were young and you needed the money. Sunday looks good for self harming.
Aquarius
All Aquarians are massively deformed and that's a FACT. Based on this fact it's easy to spot Aquarians amongst the population. Look, there's one: http://mafiareturns.com/news/uprofile.php?id=89444
Pisces
They call you the fish because you smell of fish. It's not normal. See a doctor. There's a strong chance that you picked something up off of that prostitute.
Aries
Weirdos with beards will tell you that Jesus loves every man. This is not true. He hates Arians. As a result all Arians will contract unexplainable diseases this week.
Taurus
You will wake up screaming in the night like a new born baby on Thursday. There will be no reason for it. You are just a big baby. That will lead to nefarious sexual practices by Saturday.
Gemini
You will spend the week battling with your sexuality. You will lose. Wednesday is a good day to get your nipple pierced. It will go septic.
Cancer
You will comfort eat yourself into a diabetic coma this week after a group of well wishers attempt to push you back out to sea on a trip to the beach. You really should go on a diet.
Leo
You will be HQ'd this week as a direct result of your terrible personal hygiene. You know who you are Leo, you smelly bastard.
Virgo
You are a minger. Don't go outside this week. Your face will make babies cry and you are wearing far too much make up. Friday is a good day to get your back waxed, avoid the colour blue.
Libra
You will find out this week that you are adopted.
Scorpio
You will get stung by a bee this week. $20 for a jar of honey. Thursday is a good day to buy shoes. Avoid brogues they highlight your facial deficiencies.
Sagittarius
You will get run over this week by a Leo. Leo's are terrible drivers because most Leos are women. In a useless attempt to make it better they will back over you three times.
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Los Angeles - Strictly Business
by Hoopi
I mean that literally. Strictly business. None of your underworld, criminal, immoral or front activities here thank you very much! We want good clean business here, we want rent, and we might send our accountants round to check that your customers have actually been paying. Those were the words that came out of JkL's freshly authed mouth*. Upon receiving his incredible honour of setting up in sunny Los Angeles, JkL was given two instructions; don't let PJ down and sort out the business districts. Who'd have thought he'd have the skill to take out those two birds with a single opening stone.
Let's get down to the bit we love, the nitty gritty. For a meagre $50,000 opening capital and $10,000 weekly admin fee thereafter, you can have your own unused and unloved LA business. Wait a minute, I hear you say, this is going be awfully costly when my business enters year two and beyond...no? Yes, you're right. That is why LA have also given you the option to pay a one-off fee of ONLY $500,000. I mean, we all know that most businesses last well beyond the 45 week mark, so why not just splash out all your cash upfront like a right plum? You know it makes (little**) sense.
On the bright side, failure to procure payment from your customers or failure to comply with ban requests may just result in your business being firebombed. At this point you will have little option but to drag yourself over to one of the other cities where enterprise opportunities are readily available and free. Gutting. Speaking of bans, there was no word on how they could or would be enforced effectively. Minor details that can be ironed out as you finalise your business opening day plans....as long as you remember your wallet, you'll be good to go.
Whilst it might sound like it has more holes than a Baghdad taxi, we went straight to the scene in true roving reporter fashion, and managed to get this first exclusive shot of the LA Business District:
http://i50.tinypic.com/xcryoi.jpg
STOP PRESS: Even before our original coverage of this story had made its way to the awaiting masses, JkL had made his way back to the streets with some revamped workings, citing initial feedback as the reason. Phew, for a minute there, I thought they were going ahead with the $500,000 or $10,000 p/w fees. Wrong. Rest easy, this is now a more understandable $1,000,000 one-off fee or $20,000 per week. HEY! Wait a minute....shakes his fist in the air.
Ah well, at least entry fees are now no longer compulsory so you can indeed be out of pocket for the full amount without the hope of making a penny. That's a relief. Oh, and they might still torch your business if payments slip. Well we've had some time to think...it's been a tricky call, but after much deliberation, we've decided to keep the Gwarble Barble operating out of New York. We like our money too much to be giving it away for no reason at all.
STOP PRESS Take Two: This just in from the story that keeps on giving; under complex*** questioning from various other cities, The_Liar has now withdrawn all LA Business district rules. Will that be the end of it? Who knows? Will Gwarble ever publish this story so I can get on with my life? Unlikely.
*Not strictly true, I've actually gone and made some of that that up if you can believe it. You can figure out what by reading the original change plan here, http://mafiareturns.com/comm/thread/85676 and the secondary speech here, http://mafiareturns.com/comm/thread/85960.
**Read: no
***By that, we mean the most basic.
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A Day in the Life
By Bob Liar
Some people say that it's not that often that you get to point out how retarded other people are. But those people don't have to work with Gwarble. I am generally forced to point out what a retard Gwarble is on an hourly basis, and given that it is now five o'clock and I haven't pointed out Gwarble's retardation since I saw him stuffing buttons up his nose at quarter to four, we'll start with that.
Our wonderful* editor took the time out of his day last issue to point out that no winner was announced to the sticky cat competition. So I shall take the time out of my day this issue to point out that the sticky cat competition had a closing date of the end of next September. So for the mentally challenged among us (Gwarble) here is the current state of play with A Day in the Life (or ADITL as the in crowd have taken to calling it) competitions.
*Obviously, by wonderful I mean not wonderful. Just thought we should clear that up now. Gwarble is not wonderful, and just to answer a piece of fan mail that came into the office this week - No Nico, Gwarble is not Jesus and he can't cure your clap. In fact, he probably gave it to you in the first place.
Issue II - No ADITL, therefore no competition. Some people are saying that makes everyone a winner.
Issue III - Gwarble's Nutzzz. This competition is now CLOSED. I won. I kicked Gwarble in the orchestras. I rather think he got off on it.
Issue IV - Sticky Cat. This competition is still open. Please continue to send your Sticky Cat mails to Evangeline.
Issue V - Gwarble is a cock. Geoff has chosen as our winner this week CrazyNine. Well done Crazy, your prize shall be to get to spend a day in Gwarble's life. Once he has returned from his honeymoon that is. We at the Barble all wish you luck and hope for exclusive rights to your story. Fear not mind, if you aren't available to give us any actual details, we will go right ahead and fill in the blanks for you.
For details of this week's competition stayed tuned to this exciting (boring) edition of ADITL (thanks in crowd, you make my rocking world go round).
So ADITL (God that's catchy, I can see why all the cool kids are saying it) has struck lucky again and managed to get hold of a genuine* page from a diary from one of the upstanding** citizens of this world. So presented to you below is that page in all its unedited totally true*** glory.
* As far as we know
** Useless
*** The less than exhaustive tests that we have done on this page conclude it must be true.
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Evangeline's Diary
Monday 15th February
Dear Diary,
Today I am sad. He never called diary. I was sure he would. My one true love. Yesterday was the one day of the year that I was sure he would call. The only cards I got were the three I sent myself. I am heartbroken. Still the day must go on. He will call today I'm sure. I'll get up now, see what Uncle Peter has made for breakfast, put my retainer in and head to work. I'll let you know later if he calls.
Hi again Diary. Lunch time now. What a morning. I got to HQ and checked the post. Nothing from him. Just the two cards I sent myself to make TheDean think I was popular. I'm pretty sure it fooled him. 5 cards so far and all from me. Still no one else knows they are from me. No one else knows how sad and lonely I am. TheDean has had me cleaning the kitchen most of the morning. I pointed out that I was supposed to have a position of responsibility. He told me he'd put me in a position when I could right hand for him later and walked off laughing. Hopefully something exciting happening today career wise. Going to have lunch now Diary. Probably go with a light option as I need to lose quite a few stone before the crew summer party if I am going to wear that two man tent that Mum altered into a party frock. No one knows how hard it is when you are retaining water like this. And it is water retention Diary, not cake retention like that meanie shelly said.
Hello Diary. Well this afternoon didn't go as planned. And he still hasn't called. I went to see TheDean after lunch and asked if I could right hand for him now. He laughed and removed his trousers. I spent the next hour crying in the toilet. But fear not. I won't let them see how vulnerable I am Diary. I'll show them. Just you wait. When he calls everything will be OK again. Mum and Uncle Peter were going at it in the shed again. They think I don't know that they aren't both looking for the shears. Besides the shears are in the garage. Everyone in the house knows that.
We had meatloaf for dinner again tonight. Mum sure has been making a lot of meatloaf this week and it doesn't taste quite right. I'd feed mine to Rover, but I haven't seen the dog for a week now. Mum says he went upstate to visit a poodle friend of his. I hope he's back soon.
Hello again Diary. I am going to let Mum and Uncle Peter hoist me into bed in a minute. He never called. I am sure he will tomorrow though. I bet he has been busy buying up all the flowers. God Diary I love him so much. Why won't he call? I hope I don't cry myself to sleep again tonight Diary. It leaves my skin feeling really dry in the morning. Good night Diary. I will see you tomorrow when I just know he will call. Although I don't know why a skinny ginger guy with a mullet would be interested in a big girl like me.
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So there you have it folks. Tragic stuff indeed from the fattest right hand in town (If you know of a fatter right hand, just drop Evangeline a line). Which brings us around nicely to this week's competition. For a chance to win the contents of the office bin simply send an email to Evangeline with the subject line "Don't worry Braces. Hoopi will call you."
I'm off now for a Thai massage with happy ending. Peace out from ADITL. Keep it real kids.
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The Barble - Flash in the pan?
By Gwarble
I've heard a lot of stupid things in my time; Lucretia_Borgia's claim that Keypunch was anything other than a turd, Achilles belief that he has a weapon and Iota's decision to go on a diet, starting just after this third tray of cupcakes. All of these pale in comparison to the level of stupidity I've witnessed dancing it's merry way from discussion to discussion this week, regarding the Barble, newspapers and journalism as a whole.
We're thick skinned here at the Barble and Hoopi is just thick. That is what makes us able to witness such idiocy from the likes of pucky_returns without batting our eyelids. He had this to say: "Im looking forward to it..make sure its better than Gwarble". With a face as ugly as his it isn't really surprising that the brain isn't going to be winning any awards either. How can you advocate the impossible pucky? You want him to produce a paper that is better than the greatest human being alive? Next you'll ask Jesus to create us a world in 6 days, because his Dad is a bit too fucking lazy for your taste. Amateur.
Blagger had this to say: "is seems like it will be a mistyped highbrow paper instead of the low brow paper for the common man you help produce." I think you'll find penis jokes are about as highbrow as you can get my friend. You're showing your class with these sort of remarks and it is disappointing. A bit like what you've got in your trousers.
Vito_T had this to say: "I look forward to reading about your paper in the next issue of the Gwarble." which is why we've always liked Vito_T. This is clearly a gentleman of taste and intelligence. Not only was that an amusing burn, but it further demonstrated the superiority the Gwarble Barble possesses over all other media outlets. I'll dumb that down for you later Blagger.
Mogwai had this to say: "Anything is better than the Gwarble." Not an entirely surprising contribution from Mogwai, he is after all a pathetic specimen. Still bitter after the beating he took from old Gwarble on V-day, he lets his bitterness spout out into this sort of jealous swipe that falls dismally short of the mark. Clause-Jnr hopefully won't be with us for long.
WolfVidi had this to say: "Or perhaps he plans on having a more serious paer (yes I know I mispeeeled that) for the masses that report actual events and not a lot of comedy routine." The fact that you went on to suggest that you read Hoopi's contribution to this should tell everyone they will ever need to know about your opinion. It is worthless.
sneakyrat said something but we didn't feel it was worth reporting. If we printed every stupid rambling of every illiterate idiot then we would never be able to consistently publish this. Thankfully we pick and choose which idiots to quote and which to gloss over.
With this in mind David_Webb had this to say: "Best of luck with your newspaper, hopefully its of higher quality than those posted in the past half year or so since I can't think of one that has been anything more than a good piece of toilet paper." Quite possibly the stupidest comment of the week. Either this gentleman is delusional or has been living in a box for the last month. Judging from his hideous appearance the latter could certainly be applicable, but whether he is a drooling moron or just blind isn't up for debate. It is probably both.
CrazyNine had this to say: "I knew there had to be a logical explanation for such a lazy person to actually be able to produce something." which was probably a good thing to print amidst our 5000 word production.
We can only conclude that people are so desperate to be mentioned by us that they've decided to take swipes at us in a horribly cringe worthy attempt at boosting their own profile. The fact they dismally fail only continues to fuel the fire for further issues and our continued popularity. Take your shots, you're all losers.
Especially CrazyNine.
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Obituaries:
I've decided that no publication of any sufficient calibre is complete without an obituaries section. In our walk of life people die and they will be honoured in this section. Unfortunately in our walk of life some people don't die and we wish they would have. They will also be honoured in this section.
People who have died
...can be found here: http://mafiareturns.com/news/obits.php.
Lazy bastards.
People we wish had died who actually died:
Tommy_Carroll - Way back in Issue III we condemned this boy to die for robbing old Gwarble of $3688 and lo and behold fate has gone and bopped him right between the eyes. Some might claim it was for "Vote Fraud" but that is only because the Administration doesn't want you all to know about the alarming things that happen when the Gwarble Barble picks you out to die. It is inevitable, unstoppable, and fatal. Another one bites the dust and we're glad he choked on it. That'll teach you muggers.
People we wish had died:
sneakyrat - Apparently our crack about the husband and wife of New York, -Lana- and -TonySperio- has gotten beneath sneakyrat's skin. We can understand his frustration, unrequited love is a terrible thing and it is tragic to see it so painfully unfold. Can anyone say third wheel?
Erratic - Oi, chump. I made tildes around your name famous. Try to be original for once in your life. What are you, Matterhorn?
MicheleRossi - Trying to relive the past is weak. Get with the times Michele, nobody cares about #unicorns anymore.
David_Webb - Some people might say that wishing death upon people for their painfully stupid contributions is a little harsh. We tell those people to shutup or they are next. David "I've got 17 posts but clearly I'm going to wildly judge all papers" Webb decided to open his cake hole and splay some nonsense that I quoted earlier about 'no decent newspapers since I slurped down the Chronicle' and that caught our attention. It isn't like we've got more responses to every issue than David has made contributions in his entire life. It isn't like people pay us handsomely to produce this. It isn't like I have a list of sponsors, which has more names than David has contributions in his entire life.
Oh? Yeah, that's what I thought. Do everyone a favour David and shut your inaccurate mouth. As fun as it is watching someone be consistently stupid, and hey, in our line of work it is rewarding as well, we'd appreciate you clamming up. We aren't suggesting that you're a disgrace to the species, but it has been put about.
If you have someone that you wish was dead, who isn't, feel free to submit their name and your reason for this feeling to Evangeline via mail with the subject "I'm a total clown" and I'll happily publish it in the next issue. Genuine reasons are encouraged as much as stupid ones.
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Acknowledgments
Amusement at us producing Issue VI and nobody having shot me yet. Credit to all of you guys for that sort of tolerance with me highlighting your obvious and continued failings. I suppose whilst you've mentioned credit, I best dish it out to those most deserving. That is of course me, without whom this would certainly fall by the wayside. Well done Gwarble. You are our hero. Blush.
I'd also like to apologise to all those people who mailed me requesting that we drop Hoopi from our staff. Unfortunately that encouraged us to keep his weak contribution just to annoy you.
We would also like to thank PoisonousJelly, without whom our sides would be considerably healthier. You're a constant source of amusement to us big guy, even just your face.
Something like a disclaimer:
If I've taken a pot shot at you in this, it is because I think you're big enough to handle a joke and may find it funny yourself. If I've thought wrongly and you aren't big enough to handle that, I'm not really that expendable now, so you'll probz get chopped up a bit if you shoot me. Unless you're a leader or Deimne, then you might be able to get away with it. Maybe. RIP Gwarble.
So long Issue VI, it has been a blast.
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