Flying Pig walks up a flight of stairs and stops at the first apartment door and knocks. A man answers, and Flying Pig goes into his rehearsed spiel...

"Hello there. I am from the Mafia Census Bureau. Currently we are speaking with known members of Cosa Nostra in order to get an idea of the demographics and population of the organized crime faction of this country. Do not worry, none of this information will be reported to the F.B.I. and none of it will be used against you in a court of law. There are simply a few things that we would like to know so that the old men back in Sicily have a better idea of what we are working with here in this country.  There is just this simple form to fill out."

Please state your full name:

__________________________________

Criminal Family and City of Residence:

____________________________________

Rank as of April 14:

____________________

Category which best describes you: (Check one)

_______  Asshat

_______  Fucktard

_______  Drooling Mongoloid

_______  Mute moron

_______  Worthless CL

_______  Giant vagina who jumped ship during a war

_______  I am Flying Pig

Education Level: (Check one)

_______  Kindergarten

_______  First grade

_______  Second grade

_______  Third grade

_______  I know the difference between "your" and "you're", but not "there" and "their".

_______  Functioning, literate human being  (Do not lie. You know you do not fall into this group.)

What are your primary accomplishments? (Check one)

_______  I have used my great power and influence to reshape Cosa Nostra.

_______  I offer a periodic journal to discuss current issues and entertain the masses.

_______  I gave a speech once. It was shit and did not receive any attention.

_______  I did something really stupid that amused a great many people.

_______  I don't do anything. Some day, I will serve as target practice for another mobster. It will be my most useful purpose up until then.

_______  I abuse people for my own and other's amusement.

_______  Other (Please describe below)

             __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The man fills out the form and hands it back to FP.  Smiling, Mr. Pig shakes the man's hand and thanks him...

"Much appreciated. With this information, I will be able to analyze much information and we will be able to implement various public policies reflected by our current demographics.  Thank you for your time and patience."

Please state your full name:

Leo "Beast" Manovanni.

Criminal Family and City of Residence:

Drunken Monkeys, New York

Rank as of April 14:

Earner.

Category which best describes you: (Check one) Mute moron

Education Level: (Check one) N/A

What are your primary accomplishments? (Check one) _______ I abuse people for my own and other's amusement.

Please state your full name:

Christopher Keats



Criminal Family and City of Residence:

The Dean. New York.



Rank as of April 14:

Not really- I showered on the 12th.


Category which best describes you: (Check one)

_______ Asshat

_______ Fucktard

_______ Drooling Mongoloid

___X___ Mute moron

_______ Worthless CL

_______ Giant vagina who jumped ship during a war

_______ I am Flying Pig



Education Level: (Check one)

___X___ Kindergarten... honestly for a while I thought this was "Kindergarden". So I deserve to be here.

_______ First grade

_______ Second grade

_______ Third grade

_______ I know the difference between "your" and "you're", but not "there" and "their".

_______ Functioning, literate human being (Do not lie. You know you do not fall into this group.)



What are your primary accomplishments? (Check one)

_______ I have used my great power and influence to reshape Cosa Nostra.

_______ I offer a periodic journal to discuss current issues and entertain the masses.

___X___ I gave a speech once. It was shit and did not receive any attention.

_______ I did something really stupid that amused a great many people.

_______ I don't do anything. Some day, I will serve as target practice for another mobster. It will be my most useful purpose up until then.

_______ I abuse people for my own and other's amusement.

_______ Other (Please describe below)

If there was one thing I learned from FlyingPig as I was maturing, it was that you should never give away personal details about yourself if you don't have to. Amusing that people actually responded to it though, I never would have thought people would fill in a form for a "Mafia Census", taking the piss or being honest.

Firefly shrugs and drops the Mafia Census question/answer sheet on the floor and wanders off.

Finding a sheet of crumpled up paper on the ground, Deimne begins to inspect it.

Please state your full name: Fire "delicate like a flower" Fly

Criminal Family and City of Residence: I'm not sure. I just followed a trail of cookies and wound up here.

Rank as of April 14: I've always been a bit rank. Very poor personal hygiene.

Category which best describes you: (Check one)

_______ Asshat

_______ Fucktard

_______ Drooling Mongoloid

_______ Mute moron

_______ Worthless CL

_______ Giant vagina who jumped ship during a war

__x____ I am Flying Pig (I assume this means all of the above?)



Education Level: (Check one)

__x____ Kindergarten

__x____ First grade

__x____ Second grade

__x____ Third grade

__x____ I know the difference between "your" and "you're", but not "there" and "their".

__x____ Functioning, literate human being (Do not lie. You know you do not fall into this group.)

(I don't like to be confined by you're [intentional, just fyi] 'check one' rules! You can't make me!)

What are your primary accomplishments? (Check one)

__x____ I have used my great power and influence to reshape Cosa Nostra.
(if by 'reshape' you mean actively trying to achieve Iota type proportions)

__x____ I offer a periodic journal to discuss current issues and entertain the masses.
(I am the true genius behind the Barble, but don't tell anyone)

_______ I gave a speech once. It was shit and did not receive any attention.
(if I did do this, even I missed it and forgot about it)

__x____ I did something really stupid that amused a great many people.
(I have confidence I shall continue to do this on a daily basis)

_XXXXX__ I don't do anything. Some day, I will serve as target practice for another mobster. It will be my most useful purpose up until then.
(this one is just me all over! I need room for more check marks really)

__X____ I abuse people for my own and other's amusement.

I just passed a group of people having a conversation down the street about people not being vocal enough but, I ask you, how do you follow that?

Misery walks by and see the piece of paper. A bit intrigued by it she snatches a pen from her handbag and fills it out.

Please state your full name:

Misery

Criminal Family and City of Residence:

Deadly Sinners, LA

rank as of April 14:

Boss


Category which best describes you: (Check one)

_______ Asshat

_______ Fucktard

_______ Drooling Mongoloid

_______ Mute moron

_______ Worthless CL

_______ Giant vagina who jumped ship during a war

_______ I am Flying Pig

None of the above Misery shakes her head and thinks to herself there should be a different option here.

Education Level: (Check one)

_______ Kindergarten

_______ First grade

_______ Second grade

_______ Third grade

_______ I know the difference between "your" and "you're", but not "there" and "their".

X Functioning, literate human being (Do not lie. You know you do not fall into this group.) She stands and pouts a bit then continues on



What are your primary accomplishments? (Check one)

_______ I have used my great power and influence to reshape Cosa Nostra.

_______ I offer a periodic journal to discuss current issues and entertain the masses.

_______ I gave a speech once. It was shit and did not receive any attention.

_______ I did something really stupid that amused a great many people.

_______ I don't do anything. Some day, I will serve as target practice for another mobster. It will be my most useful purpose up until then.

_______ I abuse people for my own and other's amusement.

X Other (Please describe below)

I might stay with in my HQ walls a bit more then some, but ask any of those family members that I surround myself with and they know everything that I do. Misery smiles and nods as she folds up the piece of paper and hands it in

You know.. Misery turns to FlyingPig and laughs. Sitting back looking at this makes you think a bit about how you really are from maybe and outsiders view. She nods before she continues on with her day

Boner picks up one of the census sheets and studies it closely. He gets a pensive look on his face.

Boner begins to fold the paper and floats the paper airplane towards Deimne.

The term "Lighten up" comes to mind Firefly.

Please state your full name:
lol "pretteh kitteh" cat

Criminal Family and City of Residence:
im in ur house steelin ur muniez n ur gurlfrend


Rank as of April 14:
kitteh iz boss kitteh!



Category which best describes you: (Check one)

_______ Asshat

_______ Fucktard

_______ Drooling Mongoloid

_______ Mute moron

_______ Worthless CL

_______ Giant vagina who jumped ship during a war

_______ I am Flying Pig

x ninja


Education Level: (Check one)

x Kindergarten

_______ First grade

_______ Second grade

_______ Third grade

_______ I know the difference between "your" and "you're", but not "there" and "their".

x Functioning, literate feline being



What are your primary accomplishments? (Check one)

_______ I have used my great power and influence to reshape Cosa Nostra.

_______ I offer a periodic journal to discuss current issues and entertain the masses.

_______ I gave a speech once. It was shit and did not receive any attention.

_______ I did something really stupid that amused a great many people.

_______ I don't do anything. Some day, I will serve as target practice for another mobster. It will be my most useful purpose up until then.

_______ I abuse people for my own and other's amusement.

x Other (Please describe below)

rofldogs feer meh

Please state your full name:

 Markus Naples Iris Ricci Endolini Marelli Stracci (Please,just call me Mnirem. During my application for my family, my crew leader fell asleep while reading it. It's cursed)

Criminal Family and City of Residence:

Kerrrupt, Las Vegas

Rank as of April 14:

Earner

Category which best describes you: (Check one)

_______  Asshat

___x____  Fucktard

_______  Drooling Mongoloid

_______  Mute moron

_______  Worthless CL

_______  Giant vagina who jumped ship during a war

_______  I am Flying Pig

Education Level: (Check one)

_______  Kindergarten

_______  First grade

_______  Second grade

_______  Third grade

_______  I know the difference between "your" and "you're", but not "there" and "their".

___x____  Functioning, literate human being  (Do not lie. You know you do not fall into this group.)

"Alright, I'm a couple a' quarters short of it, but it doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out the distinction on there, their, oh, and my favorite, they're. That one is pretty self-explainatary"

What are your primary accomplishments? (Check one)

_______  I have used my great power and influence to reshape Cosa Nostra.

_______  I offer a periodic journal to discuss current issues and entertain the masses.

_______  I gave a speech once. It was shit and did not receive any attention.

_______  I did something really stupid that amused a great many people.

_______  I don't do anything. Some day, I will serve as target practice for another mobster. It will be my most useful purpose up until then.

_______  I abuse people for my own and other's amusement.

___x____  Other (Please describe below)

             Sguggests several ideas to heads, many of which make the cut (kiss-ass)

Please state your full name:

Turanga Leela

Criminal Family and City of Residence:

 SpaceMountain, NY

Rank as of April 14:

 Wise Guy 

Category which best describes you: (Check one)

_______  Asshat

_______  Fucktard

_______  Drooling Mongoloid

_______  Mute moron

_______  Worthless CL

_______  Giant vagina who jumped ship during a war

_______  I am Flying Pig

  X             Alien

Education Level: (Check one)

_______  Kindergarten

_______  First grade

_______  Second grade

_______  Third grade

_______  I know the difference between "your" and "you're", but not "there" and "their".

_______  Functioning, literate human being  (Do not lie. You know you do not fall into this group.)

   X        Functioning, literate Alien from the future. 

What are your primary accomplishments? (Check one)

_______  I have used my great power and influence to reshape Cosa Nostra.

_______  I offer a periodic journal to discuss current issues and entertain the masses.

_______  I gave a speech once. It was shit and did not receive any attention.

_______  I did something really stupid that amused a great many people.

_______  I don't do anything. Some day, I will serve as target practice for another mobster. It will be my most useful purpose up until then.

_______  I abuse people for my own and other's amusement.

_______  Other (Please describe below)

     X        Escaped Space Banditos, had sex with Zapp Brannigan (unfortunately)

Oh I sincerely apologise -Beast-, of course I should be prancing around with flowers and cookies right? Yes, I should definitely lighten up because that's what being in our business is about. Service with a smile. How could I forget.

Please state your full name:

George Louis Costanza

 

Criminal Family and City of Residence:

I'd rather not say, but I work in one of the big buildings in New York

 

Rank as of April 14:

Senior architect and inporter/exporter

 

Category which best describes you: (Check one)

_______  Asshat

_______  Fucktard

___X___  Drooling Mongoloid

_______  Mute moron

_______  Worthless CL

_______  Giant vagina who jumped ship during a war

_______  I am Flying Pig

 

Education Level: (Check one)

_______  Kindergarten

_______  First grade

_______  Second grade

_______  Third grade

___X___  I know the difference between "your" and "you're", but not "there" and "their".
(I get much smarter when I stop having sex.)

_______  Functioning, literate human being  (Do not lie. You know you do not fall into this group.)

 

What are your primary accomplishments? (Check one)

_______  I have used my great power and influence to reshape Cosa Nostra.

_______  I offer a periodic journal to discuss current issues and entertain the masses.

___X___  I gave a speech once. It was shit and did not receive any attention.

___X___  I did something really stupid that amused a great many people. (For nine seasons, what whaaaat)

_______  I don't do anything. Some day, I will serve as target practice for another mobster. It will be my most useful purpose up until then.

___X___  I abuse people for my own and other's amusement.

_______  Other (Please describe below)

Please state your full name:

 Falcon

__________________________________

Criminal Family and City of Residence:

 TheDean New York

____________________________________

Rank as of April 14:

 Consigliere

____________________

Category which best describes you: (Check one)

_______  Asshat

 X

_______  Fucktard

_______  Drooling Mongoloid

 X

_______  Mute moron

_______  Worthless CL

_______  Giant vagina who jumped ship during a war

_______  I am Flying Pig

Education Level: (Check one)

_______  Kindergarten

_______  First grade

_______  Second grade

_______  Third grade

_______  I know the difference between "your" and "you're", but not "there" and "their".

 X

_______  Functioning, literate human being  (Do not lie. You know you do not fall into this group.)

What are your primary accomplishments? (Check one)

_______  I have used my great power and influence to reshape Cosa Nostra.

_______  I offer a periodic journal to discuss current issues and entertain the masses.

_______  I gave a speech once. It was shit and did not receive any attention.

_______  I did something really stupid that amused a great many people.

 X

_______  I don't do anything. Some day, I will serve as target practice for another mobster. It will be my most useful purpose up until then.

_______  I abuse people for my own and other's amusement.

_______  Other (Please describe below) I'm TheDean's walking target!

I hate quizzes, this one's well too hard for me.

Please state your full name:

Angelique D. Santanta

Criminal Family and City of Residence:

The Crackerjack Outfit    New Orleans

Rank as of April 14:

Boss

Category which best describes you: (Check one)

___X___  Asshat – on occasion

___X___  Fucktard – on occasion

___X__  Drooling Mongoloid – didn’t know this until friends starting buying me bibs, so kind!

___X_  Mute moron – to everyone’s thankfulness

_______  Worthless CL – not this generation

_______  Giant vagina who jumped ship during a war – Never!

_______  I am Flying Pig – of course not, there is only one, and I am human

Education Level: (Check one)

_______  Kindergarten

_______  First grade

_______  Second grade

_______  Third grade

_______  I know the difference between "your" and "you're", but not "there" and "their".

____X__  Functioning, literate human being  (Do not lie. You know you do not fall into this group.)

The voices in my head say I am and I know better then to argue with them.

What are your primary accomplishments? (Check one)

__HA___  I have used my great power and influence to reshape Cosa Nostra.

_______  I offer a periodic journal to discuss current issues and entertain the masses.

___X___  I gave a speech once. It was shit and did not receive any attention.

___X___  I did something really stupid that amused a great many people.

___X____  I don't do anything. Some day, I will serve as target practice for another mobster. It will be my most useful purpose up until then.

___X___  I abuse people for my own and other's amusement.

___X___  Other (Please describe below) Please note this was a total summation of answers given to me by friends, family, enemies and my guess at what F.P.s answers about my family line would be

             _________________________________________________________________________________________________

Please state your full name: Dante_Balboni Criminal Family and City of Residence: Giggling Souls in Chicago     Rank as of April 14: Don     Category which best describes you: (Check one) _______ Asshat _______ Fucktard _______ Drooling Mongoloid _______ Mute moron X Worthless CL _______ Giant vagina who jumped ship during a war _______ I am Flying Pig Education Level: (Check one) _______ Kindergarten _______ First grade _______ Second grade _______ Third grade X I know the difference between "your" and "you're", but not "there" and "their". _______ Functioning, literate human being (Do not lie. You know you do not fall into this group.) What are your primary accomplishments? (Check one) _______ I have used my great power and influence to reshape Cosa Nostra. _______ I offer a periodic journal to discuss current issues and entertain the masses. X I gave a speech once. It was shit and did not receive any attention. _______ I did something really stupid that amused a great many people. _______ I don't do anything. Some day, I will serve as target practice for another mobster. It will be my most useful purpose up until then. _______ I abuse people for my own and other's amusement. _______ Other (Please describe below) __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

see I'm pretty much a muppet....

Yes, but you're OUR muppet, and we love you. <3