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The Beginning of The End of Heartache Started by: Lady-Integra on Mar 16, '19 03:45

Time: Evening

Date: Late August (Five days after Guess We Will Do It Ourselves and Us Against the World)


 

It had been quite the rough week, so much so that Integra had tried to drown out her emotions and thoughts with alcohol whenever she got a chance. Aaron had scolded her a few times about how this isn’t what she should be doing… and he had a point. However, tonight was a bad night and thoughts of the past week kept rolling back into her into a state of mind where almost everything hurt.

She was seated in a bar by the Hotel where the Owner hated her because she’d gotten drunk and slept with his grandson… before kicking him out in the morning. She never saw it as a big deal, but apparently, it was enough to kick her from the Hotel room, which is how she had ended up crashing in Billy’s spare bedroom.

Jimmy walked up to the woman who was seated in a corner of the bar, one hand holding a cigar and the other hand partially in her hair while she rested her forehead on it. His features softened slightly as he walked up to her, he wasn’t used to seeing the said woman in this sort of state. He wasn’t sure what happened but he knew something had changed about her the past few days.

“Hey, Integra... You need a refill on the whiskey?” His voice was gentle with her, seeing as she was one of his regular customers, and she always tipped him quite well. The blonde glanced up at the older gentleman before nodding slightly. "Yeah, keep 'em coming, Jimmy... it'll be another long night."  She offered him a small smile as before thanking the man for her drink, downing the tall glass rather quickly before finishing off the cigar, putting it out in an ashtray before pulling out her second Cigar, attempting to find a lightly before lighting the damn thing. 

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Alucard was making his way past the hotel bar, and was on his way to the office when the distinct smell of Henri Wintermans Cigars hit him like a ton of bricks. "Integra?"  He whispered to absolutely no one, and his heart raced as he felt his hands get clammy.  He swallowed hard, afraid to turn around, "What's she doing here?"  Alucard continued to ask himself.  He hadn't seen or talked to Integra in nearly six months, possibly longer... while time was long, Alucard wasn't really keeping track of it.  He took up a lot of odd jobs, including this old hotel to keep himself busy and try to keep his mind off the woman he lost. The woman who was now sitting at his bar.

He turned around, and even though all he could see was her long blonde locks, Alucard knew it was Integra.  He also knew, simply by her posture that something wasn't right.  He ignored the fear he had of her not wanting to see him, for the need to take care of her was greater than any fear he held inside.   He quietly walked up, her bodyguard Aaron keeping an ever-sharp eye on Alucard, in fact, Alucard was sure that the bodyguard's hand had slipped to resting on the gun he kept at his side.

Alucard motioned to Aaron that it was alright, and took the seat to Integra's right.  He looked at her, and he immediately knew something was VERY wrong, hell she was oblivious to everything but the bottom of her glass.  When Jimmy grabbed the whiskey bottle to pour Integra another glass, Alucard motioned for Jimmy to hand him the bottle.  Alucard refilled her glass. 

"Thanks Jimmy," the woman said still not really looking up.

Alucard swallowed hard, before quietly saying, "It's not Jimmy, Tegs."

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Integra couldn't see if anyone was going to walk up to her on her left side since that was the arm that was holding up her head currently, which is why Aaron was around. The man was damn good at what he did, and he'd been on Integra's pay for quite some time, enough that the two had gotten to know a bit about one another and he started seeing her as someone he would care about, like a younger sister. Which drove the ex-military guard to be even more protective of her. So when he noticed Alucard walking up to her, his hand instinctively went to his gun, but hell even this man knew that the relationship between the two people was probably what the woman needed right now after the hell she'd recently been through. What better way to heal from the pain caused by losing a loved one... than reconciling with an old friend... 

Having heard the voice just as she was reaching for the glass, Integra froze, her body tensing up as she tried to wonder if her mind was playing a cruel trick on her at the moment. But glancing up to see that Jimmy was indeed not the one to pour her drink, the woman couldn't help but slowly turn to face whoever it was. Just seeing him caused her heart to ache... after not seeing or hearing from him in months, Integra wasn't really sure how to react to him suddenly appearing... and at such a weird timing too. She'd recently been thinking about him, and how much she missed him and needed him to be here... that it seemed to have been willed into existence almost.

"Alu...card..." Her voice was barely above a whisper as she stared up into those amber colored eyes of his. Her own blue eyes looking bloodshot as she hadn't been sleeping well unless she got herself pass out drunk that is. But even then the sleep hadn't been great and it was starting to take a huge toll on her. Hell, she wasn't good to anyone like this really, and something needed to change... to get her out of this downward spiral her life seemed to have hit.

"What are you... doing here...." She cleared her throat slightly before quickly downing the whiskey, her eyes not leaving his as she looked confused, in pain and exhausted.

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"Tegs...was all he could let escape his lips, as he attempted to wrap his mind around the fact that his best friend whom he thought he'd completely lost was here.  She wasn't just in Detroit, but in his hotel, drinking at his bar.  His heart raced in confusion, surprise, and concern for whatever was bothering Integra... He had no idea what he should be feeling, but he knew he had to put his own feelings aside, and focus on his best friend. 

"Jimmy, get me a glass too."  When Jimmy obliged Alucard's request he poured both himself and Integra another drink. "What am I doing here?  I own the place, just bought it off an old grumpy Russian guy named Makar.   What are you doing here?"

He let his amber eyes stare into Integra's, and he could see she was drowning in the pain and sadness of something that had happened to her. "You know what, Fuck it. I don't care what you're doing here, it doesn't matter. What happened Tegs, talk to me."

Alucard looked around the bar, noticing there were a few people around.  "If you want privacy, we can speak in my office.  Or I can set you up in hotel's finest suite.  Just, tell me what I can do."  His tone had a concerned plea in it.

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Hearing him say her name again seemed to stir something inside of her as she put out the cigar in the nearby ashtray. Once her glass was filled again, she drank that one down too, five drinks deep into the whiskey and starting to feel the effects of it as her mind continued to spiral. The confusion of Alucard being nearby as well leaving her seemingly unable to truly cope with it well, as she listened to him, her blue eyes looking up into his amber ones silently. It was evident indeed that something had happened to her, but it was more what had happened to the people she cared about that was affecting her than her being hurt. When he asked her to talk to him she opened her mouth slightly to try to say something, finding it a tad difficult to even get anything out.

"Alu...just get me out of here..." Her voice was breaking slightly as she seemed to silently plead with him in her gaze, she refused to cry... she'd been holding back since she'd cried with Billy in his apartment the day of the accident... and since then she's tried to be the tough person, to hold everything together and it was slowly breaking her down. She needed to let this out, have someone to talk to...hell she didn't even know if that would help.

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Alucard watched her as she seemed to struggle to say anything, when she finally did the cracking in her voice just shattered his heart. "Of course." Alucard quietly told her.  He turned to Aaron, "Can you take us back to my place, it's few blocks down at that shithole of an apartment complex."

Aaron just nodded, and Alucard simply replied with a thank you before he took his coat and wrapped it around Integra, before helping her to stand.  He held his arm around her waist and walked her back to Aaron's car.  Alucard helped Integra into the backseat, when Aaron opened the passenger door nodding to Alucard to get in. "I am NOT leaving her side Aaron."  Alucard said firmly as he climbed in beside his best friend, wrapping his arm over her shoulder and pulling her against him.

As he rode beside her, Alucard couldn't help thinking about everything. THIS was not the Integra he knew, what had happened to her? What had sent her on this downward spiral?  Then a thought crossed his mind and he felt the heat fill his cheeks, when the thought of WHO may have done something to bring about this downward spiral, this change in HIS Integra. His anger rose, but he took a deep breath to calm himself, he knew it would do him no good to get angry not knowing what had gone on, especially when the most important thing was just being there for his best friend. 

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Integra said nothing as Alucard told Aaron where to drive them too. She was ever grateful for the arm around her waist, wondering if she'd even really be able to stand without it. Things just seemed so different now that she wasn't even questioning where he had been all this time, she was just simply accepting that he was here, right as she needed him to be... just like always. Even once they were in the car, and she was leaning against his shoulder, just staring at Alucard's shoe and staying silent, afraid to try and say anything due to knowing her voice probably would crack.

It didn't take Aaron long to get them there and she would just silently follow Alucard to his place, leaving Aaron at the first level since the door to get into this... place was broken. Once up at his apartment, everything seemed to start crumbling away as she sat on the couch. The tears seemed to silently fall at a consistent rate as she just looked down at the floor, speaking softly with her voice cracking slightly.

"How do you make it stop hurting...How... do you... make it go away..."

She ran her hands through her hair slightly, clasping her head in her hands as she shook slightly, her hands gripping into her hair.

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Alucard was walking back from the kitchen to bring Integra a glass of water, when he noticed the tears silently streaming down her face.  He was reaching for the handkerchief in his breast pocket when her finally heard Integra speak. The mix of the words she spoke and the cracking in her voice, made him stop in the middle of what he was doing.  He stood over her, as he choked on his own emotions, the pain in her voice hurt him deeply.  He wanted to take it from her, whatever it was and carry the burden himself.  Hell, he would trade his own soul to keep her from feeling like what she was feeling. 

Once again he found himself swallowing hard, as he knelt down in front of his best friend.  He pulled her right hand away from her face and he looked up into her bloodshot sapphire eyes.  He looked away briefly needing to wipe away his own tears,  then looked back at her, and gently took the red handkerchief and wiped away her tears, before placing it into her free hand.  He cradled her cheek in his hand, and softly kissed her forehead before asking her, "How about just talk about what happened, sometimes just getting things out can help."

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Feeling him wiping away her tears, Integra tried hard to steady herself, to pull herself together. But how did one do that when they felt so shattered... so completely off their normal that the world itself felt like it was upside down and going backward? Hearing him mention that just talking about what happened, Integra could feel her chest tighten as her own grip on the handkerchief was placed in her free hand tightened.

"God...It... It's been so much... Alu..." she felt her voice cracking again and she took another moment to steady herself. "England...Walter... Seras... and then Kenzi... god... Kenzi..." She shook slightly as she tried to keep herself steady, her grip on the handkerchief was tight, that she had to try to relax her grip as her fingers were starting to hurt. She glanced back into Alucard's eyes again as new tears built up as she fought back against them. "They're... they're just.... all gone... I couldn't do anything...."

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He sat in silence in front of her, as his hand dropped from her cheek.   They're gone, Walter, Seras.... gone.  He had been alright in handling Kenzi's death since he had to be strong for Joey, but Walter and Seras... He felt sick to his stomach.  They were the closest thing Alucard had to blood family, and now they're just, gone.   He looked into Integra's eyes, unable to hide the pain he was feeling as well. 

He wrapped his arms around her, and pulled Integra in close to him, letting his head resting on her shoulder as he held her to him.  "It's not your fault Tegs.He said, his own voice cracking.  "It's not your fault...He repeated as his own tears leaving a mark on his jacket. 

He couldn't understand why, why all this had to happen.  Why it had to happen all at once, why it had to happen to Integra and why she was having to bear all this pain alone.  When that thought hit him, of her going through everything alone, he started shaking uncontrollably.  He let go of the hold he had on Integra, and unable to look at her he just sobbed and rambled.  "I'm sorry Tegs,  I am SO fucking sorry.  I should have been there. I should have anticipated the attack, never should have been in the hospital... I should have been in London with you, You should have never gone through any of this alone. I promised you would always be there, and I wasn't. God Tegs, I am so sorry.He could barely breathe from the pain he was feeling, the guilt of not being there for her.  He forced himself to look back up at her, tears of guilt still streaming down his face he gasped out, "I failed you..."

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Seeing the pain in Alucard's eyes, it was hard to really know what to do. She wanted to be there for him, but she felt like she could barely support herself. Feeling his arms wrap around her though, she couldn't help but cling to him. Everything seemingly is forgotten, if only just have her best friend back to move forward... then things could be okay again... and she wouldn't feel so much like she was drowning. She couldn't really comprehend why he kept saying it wasn't her fault... especially when there could have been something she could have done to protect those she cared about. Besides if she couldn't protect her loved ones... what was she going to have left in this world?

Seeing her best friend with such a look of guilt in his eyes, she felt her heart break slightly as she pulled him in for another hug, sliding off the edge of the couch as she knelt on the floor with him, just holding her best friend tightly. "You didn't fail me, Alu... you couldn't have known... and you are here now... that's all that matters... you're back..."  She hated that he was breaking as well, she wished she could just fix everything and turn back the clock...  She couldn't stand the suffocating feeling off all of this sadness that she truly wish she could change something, make all of the pain go away... or something.

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His whole body shook in her arms and she knelt with him on the floor.  His mind raced as she just held him,  'How can she say I'm not at fault.  I promised I'd be there, I wasn't there...He just didn't understand, not failing her didn't make sense. He continued to ramble out, not even realizing what he's saying,  "But I gave you my word... I promised... they're fucking gone, and you... had to, alone...  what kind of fucking man does that to the woman he loves?"

He stay silent for a while and after a few moments, he finally started to calm down, able to look Integra in her eyes. His breathing started to even out, and he swallowed hard. Closing his eyes for a second, breathing in the sweet familiar scent of her vanilla and lavender shampoo. He knew she was right, he was here now.  He can't change the past, what matters is the present.  "You're right, I am here now. Tell me Tegs, what can I can do?His tells her as his bright amber eyes looked into her brilliant sapphire ones with a mix resolve and undying love, and his fingertips lightly caress her cheek. 

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Hearing Alucard's words, it was hard to not feel her heart breaking for the man that she cared so much about, though it seemed each wanted to take away the other's pain. Her world screeched to a stop though when she heard him mention the word love. Did he love her? Was that... what he'd just admitted to? She took in a breath as she stared him in his eyes, slightly shocked as she tried to wrap her mind around the fact that he loved her. She wasn't sure why, but some of the pain went away, there was still the whole that losing Kenzi, Walter and Seras had left, but it suddenly didn't just feel like her and Billy vs the world... there was another person there possibly too. Which was an oddly comforting thought seeing as she would have done anything for Billy.

"You... what did you say?" She was looking at him, her eyes searching his as she seemed to try to verify that her mind hadn't made a cruel joke on her again. "Say that again... Alu..." She didn't know why it felt like things were going to be okay, just by hearing those words... maybe it was because of the fact that someone else was there...

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Alucard stared at Integra, he wasn't sure what exactly it was he said but he could see in his friends yes that she was searching for confirmation of something.  What did he say?  That she was right, but he's admitted that loads of times.   And he strained to think back on what said, and it hit him, he actually said the words "...to the woman he loves.His eyes went wide at this realization and his eyes darted around the room while he wondered why he actually said that.   Of all the times, now?  This is the last thing she needs, yeah let's add "Hey your best friend who abandoned you is now saying he's in love with you" on top of the deaths of a large portion of people she cares about.   

Alucard pressed his fingers, against the bridge of his nose as he took in a deep breath. The cat's out of the bag, no reason to try and hide it or deny it.  So he decided to be a man, and own up to it, tell her the truth like he's wanted to do for the last five years.  With a renewed resolve, he looked into Integras eyes, and studied her features with a soft and loving expression.   He found the word hard to say at first, "I..." and he swallowed hard and tried speaking again, "I love you Tegs."  His amber eyes not moving off her blue ones, and he once again was caressing her cheek in his hand. "I Love you, and I don't JUST mean in the way that you're my best friend...  but in that I want you next to me for the rest of my life.  If my remaining life is one day or twenty thousand days... I want to fall asleep next to you, wake up next to you.  I love you in the sense that I haven't even been with another woman since we were together when you turned 18..."

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Integra seemed to pause as she listened to his confession. She couldn't help but wonder to herself how he thought this would be the time to confess this to her. On the other hand, it completely distracted her from what her mind had currently been stuck on, leaving it reeling however in how to handle this new information. She looked dumbfounded for a moment as she stared at him a few minutes without blinking. She could feel his skin caressing her cheek as she seemed to struggle with this new information. She wasn't really sure what she doing as she just happened to slap him across his cheek before her head went to his chest, resting here as she lightly hit his chest.

"You...You Idiot! Why now... why... Almost 6 years... and you tell me now...and you never picked up on how much I loved you... I guess we are both idiots.." She felt tears slip down again as she buried her face in his chest, not sure if she should be mad at him or if she should feel completely relieved.

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His hands fell to his sides, as Integra's hand landed across his face with sharp smack. His mind raced a mile a minute in those few seconds between when she smacked him and when she started speaking.  Alucard went from feeling dumbfounded, confused, terrified, regret, and numbness.  He thought for sure this was going to be the last time he'd see Integra, not only had he abandoned her and hurt her that way, but he just opened his fat mouth and just made any attempt to repair things by making things awkward for her.  With his mind still racing he wanted to to turn from her ashamed, but he just closed and sighed deeply as she beat on his chest. 

Then her words echoed in his ears, asking him how he never picked up on how much she loved him. He couldn't believe his ears, since they were words he never dared dream he would hear from her lips. He was at a loss for words, and he started to reply to her several time, just stammering out an "I...." then stopping and thinking of another way to word things.  Saying that he didn't mean to say it, she was the one that asked him to repeat what the hell he said. He wanted to tell her that he never thought she would ever find him worthy of her... but he realized all he would be doing in saying those things would just be seeming to try and start a fight.  

When the words finally came to him, he wrapped his arm around Integra's waist, and let his other hand gently stroke her hair. "Maybe we both were idiots for the last, 5-6 years. It matters so little, because here and now, we know. I realize this is probably the worst time for all this to come out..." He smiled as he still felt the stinging of the slap he deservingly got. "and you have no pressure from me in figuring out what it all means for you, or us.  I would wait my entire life for you Tegs. So just know, my heart is yours and I'm going to be by your side until either I die, or you tell me to go."

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She hadn't seen how he had reacted to her slap as she kept her face buried in his chest, not moving from hugging him tightly. She could feel him tense up before it seemed like he relaxed while wrapping his arms around her waist. She sighed softly as he gently started to stroke her hair, finding the motion quite calming as she slowly started to relax, the tears no longer falling from her eyes as she found comfort in her best friend's embrace. 

"Maybe we were... I'm..." She faded off as she held him closer, turning her head slightly as she curled up with him. "I just... want the pain to go away..." She shifted how she was kneeling to be a bit more comfortable. "Promise me... you won't leave ever again?"

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Alucard spent a long moment, just holding Integra close him and continuing to gently stroke and run his fingers through her hair.  He wanted nothing more than to be able to take the pain away, to be able to make the hurt stop for his best friend... Sadly he knew the only real thing that makes the pain lessen is time, still, he'd carry her emotional burden for her if he could.  He could tell she was completely exhausted, and he gently scooped her into his arms, and started walking up the stairs to his bedroom loft. As he walked, he quietly spoke...   "My dear Tegs. You know I would trade the very world to take this pain from you, and carry it myself if I had to.  Sadly, time will be the only thing that is really going to be able to make the pain tolerable, time and remembering you don't have to go through it all alone.  And I know you Tegs, you can't go blaming yourself for things you've done, or the things you haven't done.  But, enough of thinking for now. Come with me, and rest a while."

When he arrived at the bed, he held her with one arm while he pulled the sheets back on the bed. As he gently laid her down and covered her up, he softly ensured her, "I'm not going anywhere Tegs, I am yours... No one loves you like I do.He quietly sat on the side of the bed beside her, tenderly moving some strands of from her face.  Alucard then leaned down, and softly placed a lingering kiss to the top of her head before he stood up to grab a blanket for himself from the closet.  'This is so much like that first night... me watching over Integra from a window seat as she slept.' Alucard thought to himself with a smile on his face. 

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Integra listened as he spoke, nodding against his chest slightly before feeling him pick her up to carry her towards his bed. She curled towards his warmth, her arms wrapped loosely around his neck and her head rested against his chest as she felt herself give in to the exhaustion slowly. She felt when he was tucking her into the bed, the lingering kiss that was on her forehead and when she thought he was leaving her, her eyes opened slightly to watch him. 

"Alu... don't leave...please." She watched him with half closed eyes as she was fighting back against the sleep, not wanting to be left alone for the night in case she wouldn't be able to actually sleep. Her eyes pleading with him as well to stay with her. She hadn't been like this since the week after her father's passing. She was a prideful woman, and wouldn't often show herself vulnerable like this, but with Alucard, she would bare her very soul for... especially now since it was out in the open how they felt about each other.

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It wasn't too often Alucard saw Integra show herself as vulnerable as she was right now, and if she wanted him next to her he wasn't about to tell her no.  Not now, not after knowing everything she's been dealing with and knowing how she feels about him.   Alucard climbed under the covers with her, wrapped his arms around her then gave her a light kiss to her lips  before whispering "Sleep well, my Tegs."

Alucard was awoken in the morning by a loud knock on his apartment door, 'who the fuck...' Alucard thought to himself as he grabbed his pants up off the floor and only half buttoned them before answering the door.  A broad smile stretched across his face when he saw Don Mastrosimone standing at his doorstep.

"Biiiiiig Daddy, sooooooo good to see you!  I gotta say, I never expected you'd actually show up here.  I am sad to inform you though, that you're just a little late, you see I am already..." Alucard briefly paused to lightly cough and continued to grin at Billy... "spent, for the moment.  But is there anything else I can do for you?"   Alucard ended with a wink. 

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