The recent public display(s) of affection toward Viktor had made his life quite difficult. For years now he had maintained a perfect love life. He had everything he needed: sex, cuddles, home cooked meals and a place to sleep. Whether he wanted a crazy night on the town or a quiet cozy night by the fire, he had a girl to fit the need. He had very carefully maintained this love...erm...rectangle? No, Diamond. Rhombus? Let's just go with quadrilateral. Yes, it was a love quadrilateral. 

Anyway, Viktor had been sure that he had been very careful, that none of his ladyfriends knew of his relations with the others. They were all friends you see, so it could be very damaging if they were to learn that they were all reaping one another's sloppy Viktor seconds. How very wrong he was.

It had turned out that they all knew of each other's involvement with the Big Bully of Philadelphia, and had decided to battle it out in the streets, each girl taking her turn to confess her undying admiration for Don Dickfuck to the general public. It was a sordid affair, gaining much attention and causing a bit of a riot as the nation became obsessed with these celebrities and their love...quadrilateral. But wait, shouldn't viktor himself be included in the love shape? There were four girls plus him, so surely it should be a love pentagon? No, that just sounds silly. Love Quadrilateral, that's the final ruling.

Viktor began to fret. He could not keep up the effort of maintaining four girlfriends. One was annoying enough. He decided to choose just one of the four to be his full time lover. But how? How could he choose just one? Each woman had specific qualities that Viktor cherished, how could he select just one?

The answer came to him in the form of R-B-M. Recently, famous jazz musician and renowned fuckboi @JustinBeiber had found himself in a similar situation, with many of the country's ladies pining for his love. His good friend RBM came to a solution, in the form of a contest where the country could vote on the perfect lover for Justin. Inspired, Viktor chose to shamelessly steal their idea and make it ten times better. Thank god for early patent laws.

He hired his very close friend, Pigeon to host the event in the streets. A short, smelly birdman with a monocle and a prominent beaky nose, Pigeon graciously agreed to assist him. The only issue was, pigeon couldn't actually speak. As the crowd gathered round, Pigeon stood on a podium atop a crudely and hastily built stage, turning his head from one side to the other and eyeing the crowd imperiously. He would surely shit on several of them before the day ended. Viktor took his seat to the right of the stage, and awaited the arrival of his amores. 

One by one they arrived, wearing their best, looking absolutely stunning, and each took her seat on the left of the stage with good grace. It was abundantly clear that each was honored to be here. For several minutes the crowd settled in around the stage, chatting to each other in excited anticipation. The energy was electric.

Finally, the chatter died down, and all eyes focused on Pigeon. He squawked. There was silence. Viktor rose from his seat to great applause; the girls were visibly moistening in their seats. He smiled out at the crowd genially and raised his hand for quiet.

"Thank you, Pigeon, for that lovely introduction. We have gathered here today to settle, once and for all, my love life. I am getting older now, and I need to start thinking about having a spawn, and settling down with a true wife. I present to you: The Candidates!"

He turned and presented the crowd with his suitors; Princess in a powder blue gown that matched her eyes, her silvery blonde hair looking rather cinderella-like in a complicated bun thing; StephaniePlum, her bosom borderline exploding from a tight black leather jumpsuit; lOOPercentThatWitch, wearing a long black robe, with a pointed witch hat perched precariously on her head; and Nessa_Pryde, wearing jeans and a T-shirt, looking pleasantly thrilled to be here with so many people she adored. The crowd went wild, ahhhhh.

"Now, the way this will work, is I will provide a short argument detailing the pros and cons of each woman, with a bit of background info so that you are all well informed on the choices. From then, we will pass out a ballot to you all, where you can mark down who you think should be the new Mrs. Viktor Don Dickfuck. You will have seven days from today to submit your ballots, at which point the winner will be announced.

Let us begin."

"First, we have Princess, my current wife, the old ball and chain. We were married in a courthouse wedding at a very young age for tax purposes. She didn't even put down her alcoholic beverage long enough for me to put the ring on. Although we enjoy each other very much, the marriage itself was purely for monetary reasons. We have both had other lovers, and do not accept the monogamy the good lord intended when he invented marriage licenses. She is a firecracker, quick to get worked up and difficult to defuse, but passionate, very passionate about what she believes in. We have shared a marriage license for some time now, but that is not enough. For our love to be true, she must be chosen by you."

"Next, there is StephaniePlum, the traditional ancestral lover. For what seems like eons our family lines have intertwined, in what is definitely at this point some form of incest. Almost all of our ancestors have been romantically involved at one point or another, and we have been no different. Old habits die hard, they say, and blood is thicker than water, or something. Her biggest assets are clear to you all, but I would like to keep this all ages appropriate so I won't go into detail. There are children watching! (At this point Pigeon squawked loudly in approval.) Stephanie has been here for me in the darkest of times, such as when I was forced to depart the West Coast and leave all of my other lovers behind. Only Stephanie made the journey with me, to ensure my needs were attended to. What. A. Woman."

"Third, lOOPercentThatWitch, the cunning, evil, diabolical side chick. I'm actually kind of scared that if she does not win she will put a curse on my man parts. More than any of the others, our sexual relations are deeply magical. She can do things with a wand that I had never dreamed of before. She handles a wizard's staff like no one else. She could charm the pants off of Pigeon, or bewitch Dominick into being straight again. And the way she speaks, it is just incredible. Her vernacularity is astounding, she could get me going with her words alone. However, the whole sacrificing her exes to satan thing is kind of a turn off. Pentagram. I should have called it a love pentagram. She would definitely approve."

"And last, but certainly not least, we have Nessa_Pryde, the underdog, the girl next door, the girl my mom would want me to end up with. To be quite honest I'm not sure if she actually likes me, or if she is just that nice to literally everyone. It's kind of confusing at times. Nevertheless, we have enjoyed many a night in her cozy LA apartment, talking for hours about things that interest us. But she is a good catholic girl, and won't let me taint her until marriage. You can imagine how much this irks me, but she is such a sweet girl that I cannot help but respect her wishes."

"And there you have it folks, after you have chosen, the love...pentagularagram will be no more. I will settle down with one of the four lovely ladies before you and begin a life of monogamy and make babies, as the good lord intended. Everyone who votes will be compensated with 100k from my personal funds. Simply enter your name onto the ballot and the money will be sent to you directly. If you wish to remain anonymous, simply enter your government appointed "anonymous code" into the name field, and the check will be sent there."

At this point, Pigeon took flight over the crowd, dropping ballots (and something else) down on their heads.

"I can't wait to announce the winner! Voting will close at 19:00, next Sunday the 26th of October. Please only vote once, multiple votes will not result in you being paid twice. Unless you do one with your name and one with your anon code, in which case, you're a dick. Remember the golden rule: 'Don't be a dick.'"

i like pie

eats the ballot paper and burps twice

option two!!?

So far, we have had twenty votes! All votes have been paid out to this point.

i need 100k please

Adjusting his monacle and bobbing his head ever so gentle, Pigeon perused the crowd at great length. After what seemed like an eternity, Pigeon noticed someone he didn't like, flew up above them and began to open the white and brown heaven gates.

"BASTARD FUCKING PIGEON JUST SHAT ALL OVER ME!", exclaimed the unruly brute.

"That's Sir Pigeon to you, you uneducated oaf and I am just doing what I am supposed to do, for I am the winged saviour of these lands! Good day to you, kind Sir.", stated Pigeon. Although to the human ear it probably sounded like brrrr brrrr brrrrr brrrrrrr.

Straightening up his tie as he landed on a roof tile, Pigeon began to bob his head back and forth once more, looking for his next target, and after a few more minutes, he began to smile again.

"Target spotted."

43 people have voted and 43 people have been paid. This is getting expensive!

kevkarpo I have no record of you voting, so if you used an anon code I can't really check to see if you recieved your money as it just says sent to anonymous recipient.

Stephanie sat at the edge of Princess' bed, her face cradled in her hands. It had been a rough morning. Viktor's rampant giggles throughout the headquarters made Stephanie twitch - possibly a post traumatic stress disorder reaction to the "hehe" that always marked the beginning of the end. If she had learned anything throughout her time with her boss, her best bet was to get out of his sight as quickly as possible.

She had ran to the arms of her lover, spilling her anxiety-riddled ideas of the horrors that might come as Princess attempted to console her. "I'm sure it won't be that bad," Princess began, but was interrupted by a knock on the door. A telegram had arrived, requesting their presence at a speech by Viktor, to be delivered almost immediately. 

Stephanie groaned loudly. She feared the worst, holding Princess' arm back as she rose from the bed. "We don't have to do this," Stephanie pleaded. "We can just pretend we never saw anything, and spend all day cuddling and doing our hair," she said, hoping to appeal to her love of makeovers. 

Princess laughed at the idea, a melodic tinkling that normally always cheered her up. "As lovely as that sounds, how would my subjects deal with me not making a public appearance? Besides, he's my husband, I'll deal with him." Princess promised, pulling a glum Stephanie to her feet and ushering her out the door.  

Stephanie's hand clung to Princess' as her chauffeur drove them through the streets. She couldn't help but drift off in thought to the day this was set in motion.

It all started innocently enough, in a bar welcome to all cities. Stephanie and Princess had spent entirely too much time together, bringing out their inner trolls and love for gab. Viktor's twerking skills had become a subject of conversation, and after much laughter, Princess declared that she had to make a new suit to showcase her husband's talent. 

"I'll wear it," Viktor agreed, "but only if you agree to make a speech about how much you truly love me." 

Stephanie gagged, but Princess immediately agreed. What the hell? 

"Do you trust me?" Princess asked, knowing full well she had her wrapped around her finger. 

And so, Stephanie found herself agreeing to destroying her own reputation. RIP.

She was startled out of her thoughts as the limo came to a halt. "Last chance..." she pleaded as Princess pushed her out the door. Damned if she didn't love a boss bitch. 

Standing to the back, she sidled up next to l00PercentThatWitch and pulled Princess close. She was safe here. She was with the baddest bitches she knew, and she was safe. A genuine smile appeared on her face as she spotted Nessa_Pryde close by. Not exactly a "bad bitch", but Nessa was so stinking cute you couldn't help but love her. Nessa adored everyone; Even Viktor. 

Stephanie attempted to drone out Viktor's rambling and was mostly successful, but found herself blinded as the spotlight covered her and the ladies nearest her. Her eyes widened at the mention of their names, and her mouth dropped open as he continued on his tirade about voting. What is he even talking about? He's already married! 

As if on cue, Viktor began to talk about Princess, who looked a bit more uneasy than she had previously. "Awww, he called you passionate. At least that's true." Stephanie winked. 

Viktor turned his attention to Stephanie, his poor delusional mind spilling out a fantasy. 

What had they done?

Was this her own fault? Had she finally broken Viktor's sense of reality?

She fought the urge to vomit at the mention of incest. While their ancestors had certainly intertwined where they worked, they had never been related, and certainly never been romantically involved. No. Stephanie cared for Viktor deeply, and she had a crazy sense of loyalty towards him, but her lineage also had the habit of taking injured animals home to nurse back to health, so take from that what you will. 

Stephanie stared blankly through the end of the speech. She had promised herself that she wouldn't step back into the streets after Viktor had questioned the efforts of her latest work, but here she was. Again. Defending her reputation. That bastard knew exactly how to rile her up. 

"That is just.. the sweetest. But I can no longer live a lie," Stephanie managed as she stepped forward. "I would like to formally renounce my candidacy." Gasps echoed through the crowd, the poor dears obviously confused. "While I'm happy to work for Viktor until my court orders go through for transfer of custody, I can't stand in the way of true love." she managed, clearly grasping at straws. 

"Truth be told, my heart belongs to another," she continued, nodding her head towards Princess. She started edging her way to the ballot box, hoping to not make it too obvious as she scribbled down lOOPercentThatWitch's name and stuffed it inside. She just couldn't do that to Nessa, and the witch was more than capable of handling herself. 

"Best of luck to the remaining competitors!"

"Viktor Viktor, your an amazing man, have you too much cash dude so am I interested indeed"

A unique experience- well presented. While I don't have any personal knowledge here, soliciting advice from the streets seems to suggest that personal knowledge wouldn't necessarily help.

Therefore, I'll rely on the theory that every relationship needs a little magic.

Best of luck, Viktor. I think you're going to need it with @l00PercentThatWitch. 

Just a quick update folks! 

We have had EIGHTY SIX votes so far, and a leader has emerged with nearly one third of those votes. I'm not going to spoil the surprise but I'm sure she will be ecstatic!

Payouts have been temporarily held up, due to it being Sunday and the banks being closed, but fret not, those who voted today will receive their fee!

Oh Nessa was THRILLED to be included in such crazy affairs.  And honestly she did absolutely adore just about everyone.  So naturally she was thrilled to come join the other ladies in a speech about Viktor.  Like many of the other men and women on these fine shores, she held quite the adoration for him.  But as one thing turned to another, confusion lit her up like a Christmas tree.  What in the world was he on about?  Settling down?  A true wife?  What the heck? Why was there a spotlight in her face?  Oh my goodness look at that butterfly!  It was spectacular with it's powder blue wings as it flitted here and there.  It kept Nessa's attention for many a moment as she debated on whether she could catch it or not.  Oh ugh could they turn down that spotlight?  It was atrocious!  

Her attention quickly moved so that she could look over the other ladies gathered nearby her.  Wait wait this was all wrong...  Viktor was married to Princess. Didn't Princess say that in the speech earlier?  She was already married to Viktor and they were in love.  Viktor was her friend.  Princess was her friend.  Stephanie was her friend, Sabrina was her friend...  She adored the lot of them but honestly had no idea what they were even doing here.  She bit her lip worrying it softly as Viktor began outlining each girl.  Nessa didn't mind his speech about her in the least.  They had spent many an evening talking, this was true.  Although their talks usually ended with her giggling when they ran out of things to say and a somewhat awkward goodnight.  But still, they had been beautiful and no.  She hadn't allowed him to touch her, mostly considering she wouldn't have a clue what to do if he did.  But it had come up multiple times that she wanted to be married before anything crazy happened.  

But in any case-ooh!  The butterfly was back.  Excitement coursed through her as she watched the beautiful thing again.  That was until she saw movement from beside her.  Stephanie!  Did she need a hug?  No. Not the time.  Nessa focused her attention upon the lovely woman listening intently to her words.  She was leaving?  Oh.  Yes, perhaps she didn't know exactly why she was here.  Renouncing her candidacy?  Well yes.  That actually sounded like it might be a good idea.  Without hesitation, Nessa was right on her heels, biting her lip softly.  "V-Viktor, you are one of my dear friends and I adore you very much.  But Stephanie is so right.  You're already married...  You can't marry a-again.  Can you?"  She looked to her friends for either affirmation or denial at this statement.  "My heart also belongs to another.  Adore you to pieces, b-but I have to go."  Just then there near the back of the crowd, on the tall end of the normal sea of heads, she saw a very familiar one moving rapidly out of the crowd.  Was that...  Suddenly nothing else in the world mattered and off went the little lady feet pounding as she disappeared into the crowd beginning her search.  She needed to be beside none other than the one who quickly made his way away.

Fucks sake, dudes. I've sunk nearly 10 million into this, that's more money than I've spent on all four of these girls combined!

All 90 votes thus far have been paid out (other than two people who asked not to be compensated, and one person who used a dead person's anon code, hur hur). I'm going to have to cut the competition short. Because I am just so excited to announce the winner! It's totally not because I am running out of money. At all. Totally because I want to name my significant other.

So, at 100 votes, I will end the competition. That is 10 last minute votes that could change the outcome! If you haven't voted yet, be sure to do so!

Truly a great thing you have done Viktor, many that are awesome and voted and understand you have a great feeling iver what you have fixed with this, good boy Viktor :p

Were many that looking forward to the final result!

"I thought those pockets were bottomless comrade, you will be greedy and court four at a time but I take my hat off to you comrade I myself couldn't even afford one mistress, having said that I do live a stress free life with no constant ringing in my ears"

Chuckling to himself Isorin nods and smiles at Viktor before making his way to the coffee shop for some much need caffeine.

Frank-Pierce sat in the crowd as he was listening to Viktor 's conundrum.  He'd just finished up a rather alarming explosive diarrhea call - so whatever Pigeon could do to him was no match.  He just laughed diabolically and flipped off the bird as some of the bird's droppings fell into his eye as if to say "fuck you".

He looked up at the options.  Viktor sure was a lucky man.  Frank would be lucky to have his sloppy seconds, or thirds, or fourths, or whatever it was.  It didn't really matter.  He filled out his ballot and then shoved it in the box.

Thank you, Viktor.

Tutte stands in front of his Prinxess and protects her from anypne, hes small but he know how to deal with any men wanting a girlie.

"Ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys, Pigeon and puppies, the moment you've all been waiting for has arrived! Albeit much later than originally promised, due to a series of unfortunate events, my chronic procrastination, and overall poor time management skills. BUT. Here the results are, nonetheless."

The crowd hushed, anticipation palpable on every face. The girls sat in their chairs on the stage, visibly moistening once more. It. Was. Intense.

"In fourth place, bringing in 21% of the vote: lOOPercentThatWitch!"

She looked absolutely distraught. It was clear she had expected victory, and Viktor. Salem sighed. Or something.

"Coming in third place, also with 21% of the vote, but placing higher due to tiebreaker (bra cup size): StephaniePlum!"

Stephanie, on the contrary, looked positively delighted. She could continue her life of pretending that Vladimir (her and Viktor's love child) was an orphan. She had dodged a bullet.

"Coming in second place, and giving the big girls a serious run for their money, with 24% Nessa_Pryde!"

Nessa looked disappointed for about a half a second (the same amount of time it takes Chibs to prematurely ejaculate), but then hitched her bubbly smile back onto her face admirable. All three of the girls turned and grinned at Princess, who was by this point a pleasant shade of magenta.

"And your winner, and STILL champion of Don Dickfuck's heart...PRINCESS!"

The crowd went wild, again. AHHHHHH. Etc.

"Princess garnered a whopping 34% of the final vote, firmly outpacing the other girls and maintaining her title as my wife. We will be renewing our vows in the streets soon. I had planned to give her the big expensive trailer park wedding she has always dreamed of, but I spent all my money paying you cunts to vote on this."

He nailed a pie chart onto the front of the podium displaying the results.

"Three cheers for Viktor's victor!"