Look Guys, I'm sorry I took the couch. Grin kicked me out on my ear, and the only flop house that would take me in was Fidd's. That Guy doesn't even have a bar in his HQ, and god help you if someone farts, the acoustic resonance is enough to give you a migraine for a month. Having said that, as the proprietor of the worlds biggest selling Newspaper, I am now in a position to replace said couch. So go ahead, grab a Woolworths Catalogue and pick a Couch, and I shall buy it and have it delivered. I'll even pay for scotchguard in case Vox does sit on it, or Elodin for that matter, although I can't guarantee it would be protected from Hawk's anal leakage... tell you what, I'll throw in a box of Adult diapers.

You've caused some serious embarrassment to our namesake here today, Mr. Wick. 

JWICK, the only embarrassment here is Grin's Crew. It's like a god damn circus act. 

John_Wick_, you have forced a man to retire out of second-hand shame. Your criticism may have fallen on more receptive ears were you not the same person who believes the mafia operates like a teenage slumber party. I am actually beginning to grow concerned your chaperone has noticed you're missing. If you would stop interrupting, we can actually move forward with this investigation into the activities of the renegade bum VoxNeruda, rather than talk about which piece of furniture you would prefer he slept on. 

In the future, I would prefer that you raised your hand and asked, 'May I speak now, Mr. Zapata?', to which I will reply, 'Yay or nay', depending on the context of the situation. Unfortunately, I fear the damage you have already caused with your nonsensical interruptions, namely the loss of interest from our key witness SamAdams, who may have wandered off somewhere, may be insurmountable and could lead to Mr. Neruda walking off scot-free. 

John_Wick_ how very dare you speak of my boss and his family like that.

Do you have the yarbles to face me in a duel?

Ahh well, JWick obviously wasn't strong enough. Now onto this couch! Now, why hasn't the family invested into the support of the "homeless" LHM? Why let him voluntarily sleep in the streets? That's the REAL question! Enough with this "SamAdams, prove to us you paid this bum money" 

John Wick puts his hand up

"Is there a lunch break?'

Kirsty, very tempting offer I may say, but unfortunately I don't have a pew pew. 

But do feel free to shoot me when my tag disappears (Or not, I don't judge)  I am in Brooklyn, New York.

SamAdams, when you report fake news you are an enemy of the people. 

It had been a tough couple of days for Grin. He was being slandered all across the country by Charles_Barkley and most of his top lieutenants had gone AWOL, meaning his earnings were down. Add in his complete regression in the VIP Rankings and he was feeling particularly destitute. A regular Evelina, lacking even two pennies to rub together. 

"Boss! I've found them!" cried Roberto_Carlos, bursting through the double doors to the Gang's HQ like a toast freshly ejected. He was one the newest button man in the organisation and eager to prove he had the rocks to shoulder such a large name.

"Good work, Robin," Grin said giving the man an endearing rub on his bald pate.

"It's Roberto, boss, but never mind. It is a tough one to remember...." Awkward pause. "So, my man tells me they've sighted VoxNeruda and Zapata."

"Super, Robi-erto! Where are they?"

"You aren't going to believe it, honestly." 

Jesus Christ the man liked his moment in the sun, that was for fucking sure. "Well?"

"Zapata's holding a Disciplinary Hearing about that tip off SamAdams had about Philly."

Grin knew that already seeing as Zapata could barely tie his own shoes unsupervised since he lost his mentor, K_W. It was Grin who had ordered the hearing in the first place.  "And what? Has he been punished yet?"

The shine was quickly coming off Roberto_Carlos. "Apparently someone mentioned to Vox about the couch in our lounge."

"You're fucking kidding me? Oh shit. This is fucking bad. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Right, Ron, get the car. I'll be out in two minutes to nip this in the bud. I've just managed to get rid of that wet wipe Goldust, I'm not letting another dry cumstain settle in here. Absolutely fucking not."

Zapata, bring me up to speed please. Have the allegations against Neruda been proven? More importantly, I heard someone had the audacity to suggest he takes up residence in the HQ like this was some sort of summer camp. I hope you've corrected him because I haven't seen any awkward virgins wandering around the Gang's home since we shipped Randy_Marsh and Gash to Detroit, so I'm guessing not. Take up residence. What a fucking joke. Which weasel tried to derail these preceedings with that garbage?

With the crowd getting irritable behind their backs, Zapata leaned in for a short catch-up with his boss, not feeling particularly eager to inform him the hearing had quickly gone off the rails and that their star witness, SamAdams, was AWOL. 

"We almost had him, boss...we had the financial records and everything. We were a heartbeat away from receiving the negotiation transcripts from Mr. Adams when John_Wick_ stormed in like the leading counsel and pointed his grubby little finger first at Neruda and then at us for not having the turned the HQ into a shelter for vagrants. What did he expect us to do? Cook soup? Unbelievable. He knows about the couch now too. It's only a matter of time until that thing is literally steaming with fresh stink. 

To make matters worse, Mr. Adams is nowhere to be seen. I think he slipped out during the ruckus. As it stands, we can prove Neruda received his generous 25k payment, but we can't prove it was for anything more than tipping Adams off to which parts of the sewer are the best for foraging flushed jewellery and coins.

What's the play, chief?"

Roberto had make record time in ferrying his boss to the scene of the trial. His brow glistened in the hot sun as he proceeded to wipe it with his embroidered handkerchief. This was a gift from his old boss and best friend, Lia_Vazzi. He missed him at times like this. Such an icon in his heritage. He moved on from his thoughts as at times he could sit there for hours just thinking about him.

His shirt was sticky with sweat as it gripped onto his chiseled abs and pecks. His monstrous thighs were bulging from all the running around he had been doing for Grin. He hoped he had appreciated it but doubted that was the case.

'At least he's getting closer to getting my name right without me correcting him' he muttered to himself just loud enough in hope his leader would hear. 

Robbie C began to tuck his gun into his strides and walk closer to Grin and Zapata.

'I know I'm new to the inner circle here guys, so can I assist by keeping Mr Neruda away? I can take him to the local bus shelter for a catch up with his old cronies and maybe treat him to fish bones out the bin?

Kirsty nervously makes her way into the room where the hearing is happening and begins to speak...

Grin-07, Zapata - this is just an idea, and tell me to mind my own business, I am after all only an associate, but, well, I was wondering if maybe we should have internal crew disciplinary hearings in private?  

Or do we want to lead my example?

"Good idea," Zapata replied to Roberto_Carlos, "It might be best to keep Neruda occupied while we sort out this situation with the witness. He's an easy sell. Fish bones, chicken skin, bone marrow, whatever you've got. I've seen the man chew on tire rubber for hours. Jaw like a traction engine. Tongue like an ant-eater. From what I hear about his time at the glory hole, he could suck wet sand through a straw."

He then turned to the young Goomba, Kirsty.

"As for your question, Kirsty, with @SamAdam's critical role in the hearing, it was impossible to keep the matter entirely behind closed doors. Even so, given the nature of the alleged infraction, it was only a matter of time until Neruda sold the information to the papers for another 5 to 10 thousand dollars and a lunchbox of dry potato peels. Full transparency. 

That, of course, does not mean we tolerate people like John_Wick_ charging in demanding adult sleepovers."

Zapata re-entered the room with a stern look on his moustachioed face, his Grin Gang colleague and chief punishment consultant NobodyImportant following quickly behind him. Their meeting with the boss had gone well and now it was time to announce their decision to the gathered crowd.

After much deliberation, squabbling, and denied slumber party requests from John_Wick_, it is time we reach a decision on the matter at hand. Following a brief consultation with Grin-07, the titular Grin of The Grin Gang, I believe a fair judgment has been reached.

You see, in the elephant seal community, the male alpha of the pack is known as the beachmaster. This robust and worthy individual becomes chief of what is known as the seal harem, and is able to choose from any number of over 100 female seals to mate with. That is not to say he will settle for one - in fact, he may have them all - but that the decision is his prerogative. The beachmaster will use his size and aggressive disposition to drive off all male competitors from his territory, and it is this behaviour that ensures that only the largest, toughest elephant seals are able to reproduce.

However, a recent phenomenon has found that in order to get around these strict provisions of chaotic one-male seal thousand-somes, female elephant seals have taken to breeding with smaller, non-alpha males of their choice already on their journey to the seasonal breeding grounds. By the time they reach the beachmaster's domain, they are already pregnant and there is nothing he can do about it. This flouting of tradition causes the births of smaller, more fragile seal pups, at risk of being squashed by every movement of the beachmaster's thick and thunderous torso. 

It is a risk to the survival of the seal community as a whole.

And so, it is with this cautionary tale in mind that we must understand how the arrival of VoxNeruda to beachmaster Grin's harem, pregnant with 25,000 of beta SamAdams' cash, is a recipe for a weaker and more squashable Chicago community. The foundations of a strong Grin Gang are built through loyalty to the beachmaster; it is discipline that lends itself to success, a cherished value that dipping out for under-the-waves quickies with every pipsqueak who can bark and do a roly-poly is not conducive to. If we are to grow and become strong as a city, we cannot risk the subjects of beachmaster Grin diluting themselves with the habits of beta and, God forbid, omega outsiders. If we were prepared to settle for 3rd or 4th best, we would have kept Goldust around. 

It should be noted, before I announce our decision, that by making this comparison I am in no way insinuating that Grin-07 resembles a 3,500 kg marine mammal.  I would never do that. Though he has bad teeth, poor eyesight, small ears, whiskers, and a blubbery physical makeup, he is a human being, not an elephant seal, and probably weighs a lot less than that. I don't know how much he weighs exactly, so I wouldn't bet my life against it, but I would be surprised if he did. He loves a fairly sizeable chicken parm dinner, but that would be crazy. 

Having said that, VoxNeruda, while the evidence cannot prove what information you received payment for divulging, due to the lack of clarity in beta Adams' testimony, you have been found guilty of going outside beachmaster Grin's harem to accept the propositions of a non-alpha and are hereby ordered to pay 25,000 dollars to The Grin Gang in restitution for your offenses, as well as to indemnify the prosecuting party for time spent, a bill which totals 350 dollars. We expect your 25,350 dollars to be wired promptly.

Let this be a lesson to you all. Thank you.

NobodyImportant listens intently to the lesson offered by Zapata, becoming aroused at all the talk of the reproductive habits of seals.  Thinking no one would notice, he slips into a broom closet to pleasure himself, waiting for the culmination of the tale. Disappointed that there is no money shot, he sulks back to the gathered crowd and offers his thoughts...

"Letting him off a bit easy, in my opinion. If the only punishment is to return his ill-gotten gains, there is no deterrence for future acts which will undermine the family and create weaker seals!"

For God's sake, NobodyImportant, the man is homeless. That ruthlessness is why you're our chief punishment consultant, I suppose. I do agree that we cannot put the wellbeing of the harem at risk, Beachmaster Grin is known to be very short (in temper, not height - again, he is a man, not a seal) with those who disappoint him. If the punishment could be amended, what would your recommendation be?

VoxNeruda stands baffled before NobodyImportant.  Did he really just imply that 25 big ones was getting off easy?  Maybe this guy knew of some magical money tree somewhere that bills could be plucked from its branches, but in VoxNeruda's world, money was made the old-fashioned way; by asking other people for it.

Mr. NobodyImportant, were you not listening when Zapata tacked on the additional $350 as taxation for my "offense"?  Hardly just returning the money I received, which by the way I don't have anymore. 

Also, let's not forget that I only sold that information to the newspaper for 20k.  The extra 5k I received from SamAdams was a bonus that he gave to me out of the goodness of his heart.  I ask you to reconsider your ruling, as it is a bit harsh and the likelihood of me coming up with even just the $20,000 I owe is very slim.  

Not sure how these hearing usually work but perhaps we could set a precedent where other mobsters can chip in some money to assist with the guilty party's fines?  Just a suggestion, not a demand of course.

"I agree that punitive fines are not appropriate here. It would be like trying to bleed a stone. The point is, that this vagrant is left in no worse condition than he was before the offense was committed. Perhaps some sort of non-monetary punishment is in order?  Normally, it would be something humiliating, but this particular defendant does not seem capable of humiliation. I mean, look at him...."

*shivers*

"I don't know. I'm at a loss. Perhaps some sort of community service? Cleaning up trash on the sides of the street?"