Gory Planet Travel Guides - A Good Guide Hoy Dia Means No Bad Flight Mañana.*
*FranciscoGoya
Welcome everyone to our first guide to one of the glorious cities. This edition we are looking at the wonderful city of Los Angeles. As with all similar productions, most of the content is provided by our loyal readers but where necessary some artistic licence will find its way there.
Los Angeles Facts
- When LA was founded, the city’s full name was “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora Reina de los Angeles sobre el Rio Porciuncula.” We asked our resident Spanish expert who tells us it means “El village of Nuestra Lady Queen of los Angeles something something.”
- It is illegal to lick a toad in the City of Angels.
- Not many people consider visiting the coroner to finish their holiday shopping. But if you do, the LA coroner’s office has a gift shop – perfect gifts to take home to the goomah after those long cross country funerals.
- Los Angeles lies in a basin next to the Pacific Ocean, mountains and the desert. It really does have everything. The bustling city is home to The Lib_, the finest custard restaurant in the whole of the USA. As one famous name put it, if you’re tired of custard then you’re tired of life. The Lib_ does feature in a famous work of art, Doña Lib_ at the the Lib_, painted by FrancescitoGoyita and hanging in Francisco's Gallery de Arte situated in Detroit.
LA Places To Stay
The current families in LA in no particular order are
SumTingWong
Rosalia-Orazia
RoyKhan
Klejnot
Gory Planet are sure they are all wonderful families and wouldn’t like to single any of them out. One of our authors would like to highlight the warm welcome he received from one of them who told them she didn’t bite but would neither confirm nor deny that biting was an optional extra. Certain sections of Gory Planet readership will hope that is an option in the future.
Attractiveness Index
1 – Los Angeles
Safety Index
Less than a death a day over the last little while. More chance of contracting botulism from custard at The Lib_ or killed by a vulture at Red Door Ranch
LA Businesses
Los Angeles has always had a thriving business community, even for the period when it was briefly called Seattle. The author’s guide to Los Angeles, comrade Purple, recommended these as the top ten fifteen businesses in Los Angeles:
- House of Magic (fortune teller). Proprietor: Tangxuan. Tangxuan will have a cup of tea or coffee ready for you on arrival. Be ready to put a lottery ticket on when you leave here.
- Hero's Tea and Coffee Factilites. Proprietor: Hero. Who doesn’t love a good fact? Come along to Hero’s Factilities to be facted to within an inch of your life. They also do coffee and tea.
- Zuma Beach. Proprietor: RunaKatte. Don’t turn up in your fine Italian suit, get your budgie smugglers on and impress the Californian babes with your weapon of mass destruction. Surfboards are available to hide behind for those of a more Scottish physique
- Angelo's Mayans MC Dive Bar. Proprietor: Angel_Reyes. A bar for
organ donors motorcylists. Check it out for some red blooded action. No pussies (anyone riding less than 250cc) should enter for fear of ridicule.
- Red Door Ranch. Proprietor: RedWayne. What’s not to love about the great outdoors? Dust, gnats, dust and dust. Thankfully set away from the sea so there are no fucking seagulls but what it lacks in seagull-shit chic it more than makes up for with dust.
- Relaxing Hideout. Proprietor: Jaqs. One man’s relaxing hideout is another’s place to hide an affair from the missus. Anyone in the know knows what really goes on with a “massage”. Just be sure to request a happy ending – BYOB (bring your own bleach) is recommended.
- Downtown Deli. Proprietor: Genesiss. Cold meat; perfect for sandwiches, picnics, snacks to eat at Zuma Beach or titillating treats while having a massage. This place has it all, except the bleach.
- US Construction and Haulage Inc. LA Division. Proprietor: @PeterMcNeil2. One of
Pablo Ryman_Branson’s favourite places. Who doesn’t love watching trucks driving around and big shit being built. Contact PeterMcNeil for all your construction needs.
- Hero's Crazy assault course. Proprietor: Hero. Work in progress. Mostly just a farm and some paintballing. Just the place for people who like to kill for a living, to go and chill out by pretending to kill people. Turn up with your Name of Individual Redacted masks and get to work in a socially acceptable way that doesn’t draw attention from your CrewLeader.
- LA Gunsmiths & Firearms. Proprietor: ThomasCrown. Under the counter, you need to know what you want before you walk in. Do not turn up looking to browse for little pistols for your purse. The cops will be keeping an eye on this place. Get in and get out.
- Hollywood Blvd Motors & Repairs. Proprietor: ThomasCrown. Get yourself some new wheels when your lottery win courtesy of the House of Magic comes in. And when you prang it because you’re perving over the bods at Zuma Beach, take it back for a repair. Your one stop shop for all things automotive. Ask for the fluffy dice that are kept under the counter.
- Arturo's Pasta Palace. Proprietor: Arturo. Walk in, roll out. Proper portions for hungry folks. We do not recommend having a relaxing massage after a meal here. Go for a long walk. Obviously we recommend the Zuppa Inglese
- Pioneer Coffee. Proprietor: Hayley. Awarded seven hoops out of ten by LarryBird, this historic little gem of a coffee shop is not to be missed.
- The Lib – Proprietor: Tammy. What else is there to say except objectively the best place in Los Angeles and we have not been paid to say that. The reason the Top 10 was extended to 15.
Readers Opinions
First Thoughts On Los Angeles
- Far away
- Too colourful
- Honk! (full of hipsters)
- Wonderful place to be in all year long
- something.
- ok
- sunshine, paint and illegal mexican prostitutes
- Bitches.. uh.. Beaches!
- Red Hot
- close to San Francisco
- The best place for ta – (Editor’s note – “ta”? Tablet, takeaway, tacos, table service? Should we be letting the public do this? Where’d you go…Stupid Street?)
- Number one for businesses
- Only good if you're in Vegas with cocaine
Gory Planet Says – Select Los Angeles as your go-to city for all your cocaine related needs on the West coast. There’s no such thing as a quick trip to LA, be prepared to…uhhh…spend time on a bitch/beach (editor’s note – check with submitter that this isn’t a mistranslation). Take your sun tan lotion, pasty-white is this year’s fashionable colour so stay out of those rays or slap on that SPF 100.
Los Angeles Is A Place To Visit Because
- It’s Not Las Vegas – 42%
- We Have The Best People – 26%
- Some Achievements Force You To Go There – 26%
- Holly-effin-wood Baby – 6%
Gory Planet Says – Poor Las Vegas is getting a bad rap in this. They will get the opportunity to reply in the next edition. It’s good to see that Los Angelinos do think highly of themselves though with almost a quarter of all respondents thinking they have the best people. A significant portion of the population do feel it’s the equivalent of some sort of Siberian gulag, forced to go their when their OCD kicks in. It ain’t the movies dragging them there that’s for sure. With all that prime movie making real estate there, there’s a gap for a mover and shaker with a creative mind to make a killing there.
The Best Thing About Los Angeles
- The airport home
- Muchos paint-shops
- the flight out of Los Angeles
- Suåerb people in here and often a good place to rest in when sleeping and so on.
- The businesses and the folks who run em.
- There is still technically a golf course on the Seattle side of town
- Everything but Name of Individual Redacted
- The sun
- Using coke under the bridge downtown
- it's proximity to San Francisco
- The Lib, shame no-one goes there
- The businesses
- The coke price
The Worst Thing About Los Angeles
- Name of Individual Redacted
- Name of Individual Redacted
- Hunting season
- The heat could be very high sometime but then its just to drink some cold beer and all is great again.
- The businesses and the folks who run em.
- The non-Seattle side of town
- Name of Individual Redacted
- The sun
- I could not get enough coke
- being gay here is not like in San Fransisco yet
- Nobody talks about Seattle anymore
- Having to fly to see other businesses
- The distance from home
Conclusion
Los Angles – like a sleepy Mexican pimp dozing under his sombrero. Not much to report except at least it isn’t Las Vegas apparently.
Los Angelinos - Buy some real estate closer to the other population centres, the flight is a pain in the hoop and the presence of Name of Individual Redacted seems to weigh on the reputation like a chain on a bag of kittens thrown in the river.
No kittens were harmed in the making of this guide and an unredacted version is available for a fee
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