The offspring of Kuku surfaces once again on these fine shores like a visible sore on one's upper lip, and equally as welcome as one too.  Only this time, he does so with a gaggle of others bearing his name in a predictable attempt to confuse and irritate.  Whether this current infestation of "Kukus" are directly under his employ, minions from his cult of sycophants, or just tag-along wannabes hoping to win favour with him is presently unknown.

However one should ponder why you would want to be included in any of the aforementioned categories.  What has any mobster bearing the Kuku name ever accomplished?  Let's take a look back at some of the more recent "accomplishments" that the Kuku bloodline claims as accolades.

John_Fareham, yet another failed member of the Kuku lineage, inadvertently triggered a war that spanned over 7 days and nearly decimated the entire mafia.  His subsequent kin will present this as some sort of master plan of chaos and destruction.  It was not.  John Fareham was a disgraced right hand man who was killed by his own Godfather for either making or not making a joke on our streets, I do not recall exactly which reason it was.  Point being, it has indeed been confirmed that he was the cause of what ended up being the longest and goriest war in our Mafia's history.  But make no mistake, it was not by his design.  It was a fluke coincidence, and now unfortunately nearly all of us have an ancestor who was killed directly because of this bloodline.  A Kuku has literally been responsible for the death of someone from all of our family trees with the exception of a small, small few, and the few that survived were tasked with the tedious task of rebuilding after a war they had nothing to do with starting in the first place.  This would sound like an accomplishment if it were masterminded by a Fareham or a Kuku, but alas despite forever (and unfortunately) being referred to as The Fareham War, this was not an accomplishment at all.  Just an unfortunate blip that went on to become a blemish that all of our family crests must now bear like a shit stain. 

This is the same bloodline that was responsible for both the 2nd and 3rd bloodiest writing contests our criminal underworld has ever witnessed.  Presented as fair competitions, yet clearly designed to disrupt and cause turmoil, they all ended up resulting in an exorbitant number of deaths.  But enough deaths to wear as the badge of honor it was intended to be?  Enough deaths to earn one bragging rights as being responsible for organizing the deadliest writing competitions ever seen on these streets?  Not even close.  Despite his best efforts to create catastrophe, he fell so far from the mark of orchestrating the bloodiest writing contest that it makes me laugh whenever one of his mutant kin tries to claim otherwise.  Always the bridesmaid, never the bride when it comes to writing contest death tolls.  The numbers don't lie.  A Kuku may lie, but the numbers don't.

So to sum things up, there is a lot of smoke and mirrors at play here, and to those that have joined our ranks bearing the Kuku or Fareham name for whatever reason, you've all been tricked.  Kuku is a name that has very unjustly gained a reputation of being one of the greatest and most feared names in This Thing of Ours, and it is mind-boggling to me that the name is held in such high regards.  Once nominated as Street Orator of the Year, the Kuku line's fall from past glory has been monumental and showcases a legacy of failure.  The fact that Kuku remains the most prominent and relevant name in Our Thing just highlights the depths to which we have sunk.

Where does the Kukham lineage fit in this? 

A merging of Kuku and Fareham. 

Am I the most famous-est of them all?

Simpleton listens to the man lament the accomplishments and/or non-accomplishments of a presumed arch nemesis with a small degree of bemusement. Wondering if it even warrants a comment, he decides to chime in with some thoughts of his own...

"I'm not sure the so-called Fareham War was actually caused by the execution of the RHM namesake, or if that was all a pretext just to add a bit of humour to an otherwise catastrophic decimation of mobsters across the country. I suppose it doesn't really matter. The end result was the same. Wars happen and people die. We all understand that it how we will leave this thing of ours."

"As far as the writing competition deaths, those are tragedies that could easily be avoided. What we need is for someone to organize a Competition Committee to oversee and regulate such events in order to prevent those tragedies from happening again. Anyone who could successfully pull that off would go down in history as the Savior of Our World."

I would like to take a moment to appreciate my boss, Alucard, for offering me a home when so many others would not. 

One must be bold to reap unexpected rewards and my presence in his family will prove to be a decisive moment in what is sure to be a legendary legacy. 

Was it a failure of my lineage to have inadvertedly started the longest and most devastating war we have ever seen?

Perhaps.

Do I mourn the loss of those who fell that week?

Yes.

We all felt the loss of Weezer, and we will never forget him.

But, as so often is the case, great things are born of tragedy.

FatherMacklePenny once said to me, "Whatever happens, be yourself. Don't let anyone distract you from your cause. I love you."

He was a good man.

I do not love him back though. 

Caljacobs I discard your entire long and boring essay because of a single point of error. You talk about the "Fareham" and "Kuku" lineages as if they're one and the same thing.

They're not, they're distinct personalities.

Though it is true that the Farehams originated from a disgusting incestuous affair between various members of the Kuku lineage, we have grown further apart over time. We no longer eat dinner at the same table.

We have built our own name.

It was only recently that I allied myself with the Kuku lineage, though then Mr_Kuku was promptly shot under mysterious circumstances.

Perhaps the powers that be fear such a powerful alliance.

I maintain my position that The Farehams were the cause of The Fareham war.

The Kukus cannot steal that honour from me.

Look at @John_Cuckham, an obvious pretender spouting outrageous lies about merging bloodlines. I would not be surprised if he participated in a competitive writing competition soon.

Look at Mr-Kuku, he has yet to write a newspaper

Look at FatherMacklePenny, dead.

Foucault I'm not sure what you're saying. I'm Fareham (obviously).

Are you a descendant of kuku?

First of all Foucault no I am not.  Second of all I have better things to do with my time that stand here in the streets talking about Kukus and Farehams so I will wish you a good day sir.

Who is this mysterious "we"?

Are you a secret agent sent by the late FatherMacklePenny? Am I going to be written into a Competitive Writing Competition soon?

Would you kindly publicly disclose this list? Perhaps in newspaper format?

I have a lot of questions.

Well I don't really care what any of you guys do I have better things to do with my time.

I'd pay good money to anyone who could murder Basket Crabs. I mean BasketCase. 

Note, this is not a threat. I am not a violent or threatening man.

John_Kukham I disavow your venomous calls to violence.

Me and @Basketball had a sitdown, set aside our differences, and are "cool" now. I will not stand by while you place hits on the man who happens to be my bestest friend.

Seeing FatherMackleKuku get violently beaten to death with a baseball bat, after having a bounty placed on them, made me realise that violence is wrong.

I have lost my lust for Goomba blood.

Still at it, huh guys?  You all seriously don't have anything better to do with your time than stand here talking about Kuku/Fareham crap?  Well, I do.  Good day to you all.

CalJacobs leaves the corner 

Bruh, people pay attention because I am an invaluable source of wisdom and inspiration. A speech about me is the reason you've visited the streets for the first time in 90 days. Congratulations. Welcome to the show. 

Outkast walks around the corner into a bunch of rambling miscreants, apparently still rambling on about Kuku and how great is he is..or..was...having had enough, he clears his throat and speaks..

All these Kuku and cuckoo and Farehum folks just need to stop pretending. The true Kuku has not seen these shores in years. None of you have accomplished anything of note in decades, nor will you accomplish anything now. You're stealing a name that, while most hate, actually had more influence in his pinky finger than all of you combined...just stop the nonsense. You're all morons seeking attention you do not deserve.

Shaking his head slowly, Outkast downs the rest of his rum and strolls away mumbling under his breath.

TheBeast listens to the conversation and had an issue with one thing being said.

"Outkast, I can assure you the true Kuku is present and has been for some time. I, in fact was the first person Kuku contacted upon his return. We sometimes didn't see eye-to-eye, as it were, but I can assure you he is alive and well here. I hope this clears up the confusion you have about this situation that has presented itself here today."

TheBeast, satisfied walks away.