ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻

QUALITY, FACTUAL JOURNALISM. HOT SCOOPS.
A NEWSPAPER MONOPOLY; LEMON CITY; TRUTH ABOUT THE NEW YORK WIPE.

From a Luxurious 80 million dollar Mansion • Friday, June 9th • Vol III, No. 1

THE RETURN OF HAROLD; A MONOPOLY ON NEWS

HELLO LOYAL READERS. It has been a long time since we at "𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 Printing Enterprises" released another juicy issue of our widely-acclaimed newspaper. The reasons for this were numerous: the continued (sad) persecution of Journalists, lack of funds and a printing press, my quarter-year long vacation to Easter Island (which may be tangentially responsible for my lack of dosh).

But fear not! 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 is back and here to stay, all thanks to an 80 million dollar donation by a benefactor who wishes to remain anonymous (but who is a pretty well known public figure whom all would immediately recognise (and no, not TheBeast)).

𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 IS BACK IN BUSINESS BABY.

THE STATE OF THE NEWSPAPER BUSINESS

My rival newspapers have all perished while I alone remain on the bloody mountain of paper, ink, corpses of Journalists and THE TRUTH.

The Herald? — A low quality non-factual newspaper that's dead and buried.
Systematic Immolation of News? — Died due to a lack of focus group testing of articles.
Systematic Immolation of Gnus? — A bizarre one-shot publication whose owner left the newspaper business (and this world shortly after).
The Leader of the Streets News? — Another one-shot which perished due to a lack of tips (no surprises here).

Only 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 remains, only 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 was able to stand the test of time unlike its competitors. I now have a monopoly on the newspaper business. Time to make some money.

NEW CHALLENGER APPROACHING

It turns out a new(s) paper by the name of 'The Weekly Gazette' is on the rise from the pen of Colonel_Ives with considerable popularity following its first issue. We kindly request The Gazette to stay away from 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻's niche of Journalism (which we will leave unnamed since that's a company secret).

We welcome competition, but would like to retain our monopoly in the niche that we occupy. Don't make us declare a Journalistic Jihad, we have done so before on The Herald and look where they ended up.

LAS VEGAS: LEMON CITY

Recently Las Vegas has made the decision to don all of their members in new colours. The traditional gruff brown is done away with, what we are greeted with instead is YELLOW. A very YELLOW YELLOW. The kind of YELLOW that hurts your eyes. The kind that smells like citrus and makes you wrinkle your nose.

We have had reports of several cities now patronisingly referring to Las Vegas as "Lemon City" behind their backs, with Craven being commonly called "The LemonFather". A worrying trend (though we cannot help but agree with the nationwide sentiment).

We reached out to Craven for a comment on the acidic situation but were not given a reply to our politely worded inquiry. sigh.

THE TRUTH ABOUT THE NEW YORK SHOOTOUT

A lot has been said about the recent destruction of New York (and some parts of Philly/Chicago) already. There are 2 main theories: The 'quiet/Alucard retirement' theory, and the 'Competition Commission War' theory. Adherents of one camp often fiercely debate the other, with excrement being flung at, and by, both camps.

Our own journalists have found out that, why yes, actually, both of these theories are true at the same time. HOW? ALLOW 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 TO EXPLAIN.

GATHER AROUND THE GIANT CAMP FIRE THAT IS OLD NEW YORK AND HEARKEN TO OUR TALE.

THE CIRCUMSTANCES

First of all, let us elucidate the circumstances at the time. The Competition Commission (from now on referred to as CC) was very dissatisfied with the competitions that were held in recent times. We know this from a leaked transcript of one of their meetings:

A: "Let's go over the recent competitions as per our quarterly meeting agenda. I have noticed most competitions did not meet our bar of quality recently."

B: "Shall we start with FutureStealer's Dice Competition?"
A: "Though the entrants did get paid we cannot cosign a competition that promotes mindless gambling. Competitions should be competed over with skill, as is defined in Section 4 of the Competition Commission Constitution. Gambling is luck, not skill. It is an insult to Competitive anything."

B: "Good point, what about Colonel_Ives' Joke Competition?"
A: "Foul play. By all standards of reason the amount-tipped should've been used as the victory condition, instead Ives used the number of tips just so that his rival, MrKuku, wouldn't win and walk away with the prize money."

B: "Alright, but surely MrKuku's own Writing Competition was some good, clean fun?"
A: "That clown rigged the competition and paid non-entrants instead, we had to pay the prizes out of our own coffers. There have also been rumors that he is scheming something as well, though we don't know what yet. We shall keep an eye on him."

A: "There has been a severe lack of quality competitions as of late. I think this is alarming, I shall put forth a motion to initiate protocol QUACK to rectify the situation."

THE REBELLION OF MrKuku

To make matters worse, MrKuku formed his own splinter-faction of the CC in an act of rebellion, named the CC armed (but peaceful) wing. Though he was quickly eliminated the CC was greatly displeased that MrKuku was allowed to grow to become a problem of this scale and wasn't preventively dealt with when NY discovered MrKuku's anti-CC sentiments.

This was the straw that broke the camel's back and set things in motion. The CC had decided to destroy New York in order to set an example of what happens to a city that lets anti-CC sentiment run amok and fester into something ugly.

A CLEVER PLAN FROM THE CC

The CC then made the following plan: Instead of directly (metaphorically) nuking New York, they were going to pressure both quiet and Alucard into retiring. Being keenly aware of the diplomatic landscape at the time, the CC was confident that this would indirectly lead to NY's destruction as well.

They then played quiet and Alucard against each other in order to sweep up all remaining evidence of their manipulation (by bribing Alucard to betray quiet in exchange for a share of all competition-prize tax collections, a very lucrative offer said to be in the 100s of millions quarterly).

THE RESULT

What we end up with is the situation described by Marston in his own publication (which we highly recommend reading). The retirement plan, the wipe of New York, the misfired protection-shot, the change-of-plans from Alucard, and the infighting that ensued.

The world was collectively punished at the will of the CC (due to a poor showing of competitions and the insurrection of MrKuku), though they never directly dirtied their own hands and manipulated others into doing their dirty work for them.

We can only hope future competitions will not fail to satisfy the CC.

SPECIAL COMMENDATION

We would like to specifically thank Marston for their coverage of the whole kerfuffle as well. Though their story was slightly incomplete (it lacked the behind-the-scenes meddling of the CC) we at 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 found it very refreshing to see a post-war speech of that calibre and depth.

For why we give special significance to post-war speeches, we will refer to a previous publication of ours: Vol II, No 1's "A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: ON THE IMPORTANCE OF POST-WAR SPEECHES".

That's it for this time. Tataaa and farewell.

This concludes this Issue of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 !! Please Leave me Money and Tips (information)!!

Thanks, Godfather TheBeast for indirectly making this happen.

I hope The Harold and The Weekly Gazette can coexist peacefully, as they are my two favorite newspapers at the moment.

Great work, Harold. Who's your paper supplier, by the way?

There is another paper? Weird, I guess I just never saw it. Maybe next week, or the week after.

I HAVE MANY QUESTIONS

How did MrKuku know war was afoot?

Where did you get the logs from?

Has the Competition Commission killed anyone before?

Would Marston be privvy to such high level Intel? 

Seeing how THERE IS MANY QUESTIONS I will venture to answer some whilst my reporters are busy taking statements about the war that is unfolding as we speak. Feel free to shoot me more questions if any points in our most recent publication are not 100% factually verifiable and clear.

First of all, Dwight_K_Schrute:

Great work, Harold. Who's your paper supplier, by the way?

Munder Difflin, who I'm sure you're acquainted with. Offer me a better price than they do and I might reconsider my current contract.

Then JackMonroe:

How did MrKuku know war was afoot?

I don't think he did. As outlined in the paper, I think his rebellion is in part what sparked the war. You're confusing cause and effect. 

Has the Competition Commission killed anyone before?

Directly? No. Indirectly? Who knows.

To be entirely candid with you I've always found it highly suspicious that the entirety of Detroit got sacked back in March, yet Nuccio alone was allowed to march out unscathed and retreat back to LA.

It always seemed fishy to me and my reporters, and we suspect that the long arms of the Competition Commission might have played a hand here as well.

That's pure conjecture though, and we have no journalistically sound sources for it.

Would Marston be privvy to such high level Intel? 

This I find hard to tell, I suspect either one of two things:

* Either Marston was aware, and omitted it for diplomatic reasons. This would be a prime example of why we need newspapers. 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 can make these publications without conflicts of interest.
* Or Marston was not aware, and did not see the overarching plot of the Competition Commission. It's a complicated affair.

Where did you get the logs from?

I would never rat out my sources and I'm offended that you'd even entertain the thought that I would.

Be gone with you, you miserable little farquaad.

And lastly, Melis

There is another paper?

yes

Harold, can I suggest installing some sort of customer service protocol so that you don't have to spend so much time answering questions from apes like JackMonroe

ImportantBusinessman reads the newspaper.

I'd read this newspaper and I have to say that I am alarmed by your level of insight into the inner workings of the CC, an organisation I have spent a lot of time and effort into trying to unravel. An almost inside knowledge level of detail, you might say. 

I wouldn't want to cast any aspersions around about how you've come to be so in-the-know about the CC yet I find it coincidental that widely suspected CC shill, ClamTubularagula, is now skulking around these corners. 

With that said, I would be very interested in hearing more about a system that disables JackMonroe's ability to be annoying, inane and irrelevant all at once. 

Wellerman can't deny the Competition Commission is responsible for this fiasco. 

"It amazes me how The Streets have not seen a good newspaper and when i decide to write one, the next day someone else appears and do it too. Harold are you that desperate for attention? Can't you see other people succeed? Or JackMonroe told you to do it for him, since he sucks ass at writing newspapers and all his relatives failed miserably at it?" The Colonel crosses his arms.

We kindly request The Gazette to stay away from 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻's niche of Journalism (which we will leave unnamed since that's a company secret).

"I kindly ask you to get off your high horse and stop acting like i would give a single shit about what you want me to do. This only shows that your intentions are not kind as you say. Why not only write your newspaper and don't even mention mine here? This is not one of your friends bullshit competitions. Grow the fuck up. I'll do whatever the fuck i want and i dare you to stop me, baby."

We welcome competition, but would like to retain our monopoly in the niche that we occupy. Don't make us declare a Journalistic Jihad, we have done so before on The Herald and look where they ended up.

 "Do you feel so threatned by me? Please, i BEG YOU, declare this jornalistic jihad. I'm dying to know what you'll do about it, little buddy. You don't monopoly shit. You and the Kuku limeage doesn't own these Streets. I have never even seen you here. Again, you don't own shit. Again, grow the fuck up."

B: "Good point, what about ♥Colonel_Ives' Joke Competition?"
A: "Foul play. By all standards of reason the amount-tipped should've been used as the victory condition, instead Ives used the number of tips just so that his rival, DT:MrKuku, wouldn't win and walk away with the prize money."

 "The RULES were explicit since the first day. I didnt change the rules because of that dead scumbag MrKuku. And i still gave him money so he didn't start shit. AGAIN, GROW THE FUCK UP. This is so fucking embarassing. I really don't understand how you people live with yourselves talking and doing stupid shit every single fucking day here at the Streets. Perhaps some people found it amusing at some point, but its getting so tiring and humilliating. Please, stop. It hurts my eyes and my ears."

There is another paper? Weird, I guess I just never saw it. Maybe next week, or the week after.

"Jesus Christ, Melis, how old are you? 12? Perhaps you don't know, but the fact that you had the trouble to reply some idiotic childish thing about it, shows that you actually KNOW there is another newspaper. DUH? Success at being a PETTY, PETTY PERSON. If you really didn't care about it as you're trying to show to the world, you wouldn't even bother.  I really feel bad for you, holding a grudge over something so stupid and tiny. I also think that you need to grow the fuck up. Ask yourself why no women in these shores give a single fuck if you live or die. Ask yourself if really everyone is wrong but you. You're insufferable as were all of your relatives. Get the fuck away from me and actually TRY to not care, if you dislike me that much. You're failing at it."

The Colonel stumbles and pukes because he is drunk.

"That being said and done, i'll go back to my fucking whiskey and don't even bother mentioning me here anymore because thats the last time i waste my precious time. Goodbye.

LonelyWolf - speaking of apes, have you ever heard the legend of "Big Ape"?

I am just a friendly newspaper trying to do friendly newspaper business.

Colonel_Ives, settle down.

Colonel_Ives, we are investigating the tragic death of one of your members.  Care to comment? 

Due to the untimely demise of Harold and despite his (as yet unproven) affiliation to the Competition Commission, I will invoke my rights as a fellow businessman to protect his hard-won monopoly on mafia journalism, a proud and noble institution, until such a time as a worthy successor can be found. 

As consumers, please rest assured that you shouldn't really notice any change and should be able to absorb the content undeterred. Rest well, Harold. 

ImportantBusinessman I have just finished my visit to the notary and am now officially the new Chief Editor in Chief of The Harold Printing Enterprises.

When I accepted my uncle's offer to become the next in line at the tender age of 12 I don't think I fully understood what I was getting myself into. Now at 33 and when the time has come I am beginning to fully grasp the extent of the heavy (yet prestigious and meaningful) burden that is placed upon me.

As is made evident by my uncle's bloody and gruesome murder, this is a cutthroat business and anti-journalism sentiment is still very much a thing of the present.

May God watch over me, for I'm most definitely going to need it.

Why would the Competition Commission want MattCollins dead? 

Why is the Competition Commission making weekly payments to JackMonroe in 8 figure sums?

Perhaps Dwight_K_Schrute could investigate this for us prize-less non-entrants.

@MattColins.

LonelyWolf.

TheBoss.

The list of notorious CC opponents who are now dead continues to grow. Coincidence? I think not.

(I'm on it, TheWanderingJew).