Greetings ladies and gentlemen and, of course, a special welcome to those who have somehow made it to leadership level within organised crime despite being a vampire.

This is an open letter to Brent, and I may not be overly polite.  Now, like you I believe in upholding respect, Omerta, and a whole range of behaviours that constitute honour.  Why, then, would I, a Wise Guy, risk my life taking to task a crew leading Consig like Brent?  Well, he doesn't mind what I say about him.  Don't believe me?  Well, look at his tattoo:

IF YOU DONT FEED ME,FU*K ME OR FINANCE ME THEN YOUR OPINION DOES NOT MATTER TO

Rest assured I don't any of those F's with him, so therefore I am able to speak frankly.  Now, it could be that Brent has sneaked in a cheeky little way to murder those whose opinion does bother him even if a person isn't F-ing him - that's right, he has missed out the concluding word, or words, from one of the most cringe-inducing catchphrases in mafia history.

We are left to speculate why the sentence isn't complete.  Did someone turn up to do one of the F's with him and he got distracted?  Or, more likely, was he struck down into the afterlife and reduced to a life of feeding off of human blood instead of, nay, alongside the daily grind of leading a crew of a whopping eight people (all of them, unlike him, alive).  Imagine the scene.  There's Brent, with all of his bodyguards, getting literally the most embarrassing tattoo that anyone in the whole of the mafia has ever had, and it doesn't get finished...

The only plausible explanation for this crass idiotic behaviour must be that that was the exact moment that Brent the Consig became Brent the vampire Consig.

Now, I don't want this to be a speech simply about how fucking dreadful Brent's tattoos are, but then he goes and gets this one:

MOST HATED IN MR BUT I DONT CARE "G.F.K.

Once again, this one hasn't even been finished.  Can't be be more like Percival? Percival's tattoos are all completed.  

Brent, son, you aren't hated.  You're basically unknown.  Who are you?  Why do you presume to diss opinions of those who don't F you when you have done nothing except display the most embarrassing tattoo in this thing of ours, and then another one telling everyone, again, that you don' care what people think of you?

Are you saying that you don't care what Ginger thinks of you?  Are you insulting WhyIsTheToaster by saying because he doesn't F you, his opinion doesn't matter?

Brent, get your tattoos finished, fixed, or fucked off.  Then the pity I have for you might be replaced with an opinion.

I will pay one million dollars for the (complete) name of each member of his crew.  I want to interview them, and find out what goes on in that crypt.

This speech was rendered with genuine respect, and in the sincere belief that Brent doesn't mind.

I demand a sit-down in advance with anyone who has a beef with me.

Please send tips and money.

The only beef I have is that somehow a vampire slipped through the cracks and into upper leadership. Are you people fucking insane? Vampires walking among us are nothing new. We have always kept them in check with the knowledge and understanding that their great power and abilities could easily lead to them pushing us regular Sicilians out of the business.

What do we do when they decide they no longer want to share space with us? How can we even fight back? I'm sorry, but I have some talent with a gun, but not with a wooden stake. This is just asking for trouble.

WhyIsTheToaster - were the vampires generally known for their appalling tattoos?

Given the heavy use of garlic in Italian cuisine, we are entitled to ask why vampires have chosen LCN to infiltrate.

Your thoughts?

I would feel much better if we had this conversation on consecrated grounds.

I think we need Brent or one of his hands to come and talk to us.

Hello Zayne, thanks for your valued contribution.  I am of course not making a mockery of anyone, and you, like Brent, are steadfast, forthright, and out and proud about how only a select few opinions mean to you, and I'm definitely not one of them.

What do you say?

Just be honest and to the point. Don't beat around the bush. Problem solved.

WhyIsTheToaster I feel like our problems could be solved by enlisting the services of a professional vampire slayer.

Do you know any?

This is important.

I've served in Brent's crew for several days now and can confirm his goal-oriented leadership style and proven track record in lead generation has empowered our business to identify pain points in the conversion rate optimization process and fully enabled our B2C function leads to deliver crack to the crackheads via traditional channels with rockstar efficiency. 

Goal-oriented leadership? Do those goals include turning the rest of us into nocturnal bloodsuckers and then taking control of Cosa Nostra, Buck?

I have to say that I'm a little bit discomforted that everyone is taking this in such stride. I also think it's fair to ask a few questions. I'm sorry, Zayne (not sorry), but you cannot expect vampires to take over the entire city of Chicago and there be nobody expressing any concerns. I think the rest of us normal, human mobsters have a right to know of your intentions. You might be able to intimidate Street_Leader into silence, but I am no street leader. I will get to the bottom of this, unless you or Brent wish to alleviate some of our concerns? I haven't heard anything yet that makes me feel very confident that I won't be bitten in the neck.

And, YES, I DO know of a vampire slayer. His name is Richter Belmont and he is a hero. Bloodsuckers best hope that he stays in retirement.

Woah, hey, settle down there, Zayne. Nobody wants to take away your birthday. I just want reassurance that I will not be bitten on the neck. It's not every day that vampires take control over organized crime, especially in a city like Chicago, home of Al Capone and epicenter of the bootlegging industry. But if you're going to strut around in those capes, expect to be treated like a vampire.

I think it's very telling that I have asked for nothing more than reassurance three times now and you cannot give it to me. Is that the result of a guilty conscience?

It has nothing to do with that. But if you wanna go by that. How come no one tried this with Savannah or tenkai? Why brent. Brent is actually a gay stripper. He has nothing to do with vampirism.

As a business professional who works hard and plays hard, if a gay stripper wants to bite my neck, I'm not complaining

So like I think my big question here is... How can Brent have tattoos if he's a vampire? Don't vampires heal? Are the tattoos there from before he was changed into a vampire so that's like the reason they're still there... Or are they like tattoos he just keeps getting redone before they heal so they like still are there, but if he like forgets one day to go to the tattoo parlor, do they totally heal and disappear? How does the ink work in this? Is it like metabolized or like magically erased or what?

I withdraw every negative thing I have to say about Brent, with but one small caveat.

What? If it is a bite on the neck, that would disqualify you from ever being a Street Leader. Some people are willing to make that trade, like you and Buck. Willing to trade their humanity in exchange for immortality and eternal youth. I have to say it is a tempting prospect, but what about the cost? What about the thirst? The thirst that can never be quenched. How do you live with yourself when you are basically a virus with flapping bat wings?

If Brent is a human, then he's simply a CL with awful tattoos and a dire street profile.  If he's undead, then what do we do?  Is killing him actually murder?

It is my understanding that he is, in fact, a human. Not only a human, but one who takes his clothes off for money. I don't judge him for that, but I do judge him for his association with vampires. I've heard about this. They have a funny little "mark", like a tattoo, to show which vampire they belong to.

Honestly, that is not what concerns me at the moment. What concerns me, is that if Brent is not the head vampire, then who is?

truth being i was turned in 1930 after being infected by a horrible infuction my porn career came much later I'm glad y'all are so into being a vampire I'm intrigued to see what your gifts will be  

Why can't the Mafia Gazette investigate this?  Tommy_Vitale?  What is Brent?

cause i hold no required for your little newsletter