Opening Note from the Editor

Well, we're finally here. Issue Three. The last issue of The Logan- nope, just kidding. We'll keep kicking as long 1) I'm alive ; 2) I don't run out of fuel (Kate Logan is powered by alcohol, lust, and the streets); 3) people keep reading and commenting, so I know I'm doing this for a reason. Although we do expect some competition in the newspaper business soon. Our official statement on that? Bring it on! The country's big enough for more than one newspaper. Although maybe we can work something out about timing? Also, if you're better than me I might just retire. Or join you. But I've got a pretty big ego, so we'll probably be back for another issue in a week or so.

BREAKING NEWS: VERY IMPORTANT DISCUSSION IN THE STREET, INPUT SOUGHT FROM CREWLEADERS; SHOULD THERE BE ONE LESS FREE CITY? AND IF SO, WHAT HAPPENS TO PHILLY?

Earlier today... well, actually, I kind of covered everything in the headline there. But seriously, this is a very important topic. Please offer your two cents HERE

BadWolf- removed from Las Vegas after war with TonyCosta

In a speech in the streets that also served as a protection order for the associates of BadWolf-, RobOakheart offered the following statement: "Due to a sum of reasons in past and recent times - and after convening with leading figures in the country - we have decided it’s in the community’s best interest to remove BadWolf and his Made Men from their position."

Honestly, that was a huge chunk of the speech right there, as it was very direct and to the point, but the rest can be found HERE

*****************************************************************************************

Coming up later in this issue: Do you have a question for Kate? Mail her with the subject line "Ask Kate" and you could be in our next issue! In this issue... how do you balance love and work, particularly dangerous work? How do you make your move when you want someone? Find out below!

*****************************************************************************************

Fight Nights Quite Right in Bright Lights for Knights, Sprites, and Mites. And, oh yea, Round 2 has already started.

Earlier this week the widely lauded Fight Night competition came to end, as Disorder defeated Stoner_Marley in a ferocious battle to claim the millions of dollars in prize money. This final match- which happened sooner than expected due to the deaths of the rest of the Final Four-  was a truly fantastic fight that lasted four rounds. This reporter's attempt to describe the action would only be a vague shadow of the most excellent commentary provided by green, so we'll not attempt to- but instead we'll encourage everyone to check out the original recap by green, found near the end HERE

For those of you wishing they'd stepped into the ring themselves... well, you're in luck. Round Two was just announced, and this reporter's brief chat with FitzChivalry made her quite excited for the potential nuances in this second iteration of the competition. If you're interested in signing up, or simply checking out who has, see more HERE

For more information and/or motivation, we caught up with Disorder for an interview:

What made you enter this competition?

"FitzChivalry told me about the plans to establish a nationwide fight tournament. I've had a few fights in the past so it peaked my interest. When he explained the format my decision was made. I said yes before anyone else in the family got chance to be our challenger."

What was your secret to success?

"Not listening to my boss, green!"

Disorder rolls his eyes and chuckles.

"No but seriously, you ask any of the fighters, they will all give similar reasons. Its a different kind of person that wants to do this. I mean, you saw the fights right? You gotta be nuts to want to go out there and get beat to a pulp, have your eyes close up, go blind from blood, have your limbs at breaking point and your ribs knocked in. But we do want it. You have to. Half the time winning is just luck, the other half it just boils down to how much you can endure and keep going."

Any shout outs you want to give to your opponents?

"First off, I think it would be wrong not to acknowledge the fighters that died before they got their semi-final bouts. The competition was all the poorer for their loss.

Personally, I can't look past Marley right now. The guy fought like a champion and took the battle into the championship rounds. It was a special fight and a fitting end to a brilliant tournament. I also have to give a big mention to PizzaLover. That fight was close as hell and seriously could have gone either way. I was lucky to make it through that one."

And plans for the prize money?

"I'm old school. I took a few dollars for myself and had a few drinks but I kicked the majority back upstairs in tribute. I didn't fight for the money, I just wanted to win! It was my hope that the money go to help fund the next tournament."

What's your opinion of the tournament overall?

"I thought it was a fantastic event. I've never seen a Golden Gloves or any other Fight Night tournament put on with so much professionalism, polish and showmanship. I think everyone would have to agree the presentation was groundbreaking. I'm deeply honored to be the first ever world champion of such a fantastic competition."

*****************************************************************************************

Coming up later in this issue: We review the profiles of all LHMs! And it's the last profile review that will take so long! Do you have any other ideas for profile reviews? Mail Kate with the subject line "Profile Reviews" and your idea could be featured in our next issue!

*****************************************************************************************

Kate's Corner: In Which She Stands On A Metaphorical Soapbox and Complains

Do you know what I hate? More than any other phrase I hear often? Even more than "X has been informed" 17 times when there is a protection order?

I hate "No Witness Statement Needed" and its recent kin: "You slept too long." The absurdity of this statement was perfectly captured by the strangely, magically named Poopship_Destroyer in a comment originally found HERE - but which will be included in it's entirely below because it is succinct and perfect:

We were all devastated when our friend was killed.  We all knew why he had to go, but we didn't talk about it.  He had made a mistake and he had to die for it.  At least it was handled within his own family by his own Godfather.

I sat next to his mother at the funeral.  The Godfather was going to speak first.  I reached over to my friend's mother and placed my hand on hers, offering her a comforting smile.  She smiled back sadly as we waited for The Godfather to deliver his eulogy.  Finally The Godfather stood up to speak.  The room hushed, waiting for his heartfelt sentiments.  The Godfather cleared his throat and spoke to the friends and family of the deceased in attendance.

 

"NO WITNESS STATEMENT NECESSARY"  And then he sat down.  We all looked at each other confused.  His mother looked up at me as if to ask "Is that it???"  I shrugged.  It was a lousy speech and probably the worst funeral I've ever attended.  The End.

Well said, Poopship_Destroyer. Well said.

Can we just agree as a society that, if an inactive member dies from a crew... that we can all assume what happened, unless a mail is sent out? I see the need to make an announcement, ironically, in the situation that PD describes above of an active member making a mistake- but even there, can we agree to be a bit more... expansive in our comments?

Just food for thought.

*****************************************************************************************
RANDOM OBITUARY OF THE WEEK: Rest in Peace, Malia Oatman. The daughter of Hawaiian beauty Okalani Mahelona and Amish farmer Jedediah Oatman led a complicated, diverse life. Spending her winters surfing the waves of the Pacific with her maternal grandparents, she spent every planting and harvest season working on her father's crops. She was killed while visiting New York to see her first baseball game. 

Funeral service can be found HERE
*****************************************************************************************

The Review of Week: LHM Profile Edition. Next week: Uh. I dunno. Seriously. I guess I'll have to think of something. But it'll definitely be shorter. Mail me if you have any ideas!

Chicago

Lancelot

First I thought something was wrong with my eyes, before I noticed the whole heavenly light thing. Very cool, very striking even without the light effects. And I'm a gal who can appreciate a good forest.

Rating: 8.9/10. My only question is the crossbow. Seems... nontraditional. And shouldn't this make you "Crossbowalot"?

SophiaRivers

This is a strong entry, and an excellent use of movement. You know what's hot? Nonchalantly shaking your hair. You know what's hotter? Eye contact. Hold on, I need to do more research.

Rating: 9.7/10. Did I just... purr? Sophia, why don't you let me buy you a drink sometime?

Vegeta

I mean, Sophia is a really hard act to follow. So that didn't help. But if there was going to be a male body part I'd insert in the phrase "He has X that goes on for days" the ideal X would not be "forehead". Sorry, Vegeta.

Rating: 8.2/10. The muscles are pretty great, though.

SpaceCowgirl 

I like it. Maybe it's the hat. I used to have one just like it myself. Maybe it's the fog. I like fog, too. Gun looks pretty interesting. I also like guns. Huh. It's almost like this is a... OH MY GOD IT'S A SPACE VERSION OF MYSELF! 

Rating: 8.8/10 normally, 9.5/10 if you're actually me from the future. But... why'd I dye my hair?

Geena_Giovanni

Oh, hey there. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. 1) Your shoes. Fantastic. 2) Dark grey, especially with the black? Excellent taste. 3) The strictly business look, combined with cleavage? Swoon. 4) Those first three would be fantastic if it was almost anyone. But add a beautiful woman? Tough to beat.

Rating: 9.7/10. Only reason this is tied with Sophia and not in the lead? Smiling. Where's the smile, Geena? Let me buy you a drink and cheer you up?

Hawkeye_Pierce.

Listen, Hawkeye. It's nothing personal. I like your look, and my mother would have been thrilled for me to date a doctor. It's just... I mean, look at Geena? It's not you, Hawkeye, it's me. Let me give you a nice solid score and we'll move on.

Rating: 8.7/10. (Note: I'd vote for you.)

Pyro

Love the expression. Just seems... fresh. How can you be sad, looking at that face? 

Rating: 9.1/10. It's just... I kind of want to know WHY you're making that face. Is someone in trouble... wait, am I in trouble?

Detroit

GhostfaceJr

I have some questions. First of all, isn't ALL of you a ghost and not just your face? Kind of hard to see, looks vaguely cool... And wait, GhostFace JUNIOR? Was there an original Ghostface? How does a ghost have a kid? Did your father have sex with another ghost? And how were you born and- I think I need to move on.

Rating: 8.1/10. Okay, here's what I'm thinking. Your father impregnated someone and immediately died, then came back to haunt- no, wait that'd be.... I really need to move on. 

Las Vegas

GlennCullen

Glenn, the yellow shirt and yellow tie combo is great. Did you know yellow is the color that attracts the human eye the most? But outside of that... you kind of look like an accountant. Not the sexy kind. Sorry, Pops.

Rating: 7.9/10. Ha! Pops! Get it, because the yellow pops? And also, you're an older guy? God, I'm hilarious.

Bender

Just like the last two times, the family crest of Slash made my eyes die a little. So I'm just going to write about what I remember since before my retinas started bleeding. Happy dancing robot? Yea, I can dig it.

Rating: 8.5/10. Just let me go back and check- AHHH MY EYES. WHY SLASH? WHY?

Trixxy

Oh God, it's like my eyes are getting squeezed in a vice. Now I've got a headache. Great. Ugh. I'm sending you the bills, Slash. Oh? Trixxy. Yes, you know you're an extremely attractive woman. Take your high score... but please send for a doctor.

Rating: 9.5/10. Trixxy, if you're upset that you didn't get to hear me wax poetic about your beauty, please send all complaints to Slash.

Los Angeles

Oblivion

Okay. I took a break. Gave my eyes a rest. Should be okay now. Slash, why would you have a banner that's like staring into the sun? Is this part of a devious plan or something. Okay. Enough of that. Oblivion, you have a very graceful, energetic movement here. I approve. 

Rating: 9.0/10. I also approve of being serenaded. Hint hint?

Country-

So. An interesting image to define yourself. I don't really see YOU here... but I definitely see a scene I'm vaguely familiar with. Let's be honest, the best thing here is the sky. I love a good sky- so I love this.

Rating: 8.6/10. The clouds, too. I'd be down sitting on one of those cars and just looking up for a while, assuming they aren't roasting in an apocalyptic wasteland.

DaisyMae

Wait a minute. Didn't I...? Didn't I review you already? Did Slash's crest send me back in time? Or forward? Or did it mess with my mind? No, I reckon I did review you. I'll repeat what I said last time: "Classic, DaisyMae. Nice and simple. A vintage beauty with a well built... profile."

9.0/10. I still wish I was a rock. 

New York

Anghrist

You know, there's been a distinct lack of beefcake today. Thanks for fixing that, Anghrist. Formally dressed, because you have style? Bowtie and top buttons undone, because your a bad boy? Cliche? Kind of. But you know why it's cliche? Because it goddamn works.

Rating: 9.6/10. Let me buy you a drink? I should really just rename this section: "Kate flirts with people". Bonus points for Shakespeare...

PizzaLover

Perhaps not a picture of yourself in the physical sense, but seemingly a clear idea of what you love. And hey, it's pretty funny. Nice work.

Rating: 8.6/10. Who doesn't love pizza?

WilliamMunny

Kind of hard to see, if we're being honest. Blurringly western. Tough one to rate.

Rating. 7.8/10. Just need to see more, William!

Philadelphia

FishTheKitty

So... a kitty NAMED Fish? Or are we supposed to fish the kitty as a verb? Anyways, I like cats. And I like moderate cleverness. So... good?

Rating: 8.4/10. You should name your son or daughter KittyTheFish. Blow peoples' minds, right?

Hallelujah! The long list is over. What do I do next time? NO CLUE! Mail me if you have any ideas? But I can promise it'll be shorter.

*****************************************************************************************
Do you have a business you'd like to be reviewed? Please mail KateLogan with "Business Review" in the subject line. 
*****************************************************************************************

Ask Kate

Dear Kate,

My job is, well, complicated and not conducive to relationships. Fact of the matter is, a relationship could very well be a considerable liability.

However, I have somehow beat the odds and met someone who shares the...type of work I'm in. My problem is that, despite much time together, I cannot for the life of me determine if the other person feels the same. I fear that any assumptions I make could destroy a relationship, and more importantly (selfish as it may sound), break an already damaged heart.

Any advice would be appreciated, Ms. Kate.

Signed,

Maudlin in Michigan

Dear Maudlin in Michigan,

The issue of trying to figure out how someone feels about you can very tricky, particularly in our line of work- which I think I can assume since you're reading this particular publication.

If you were a normal person, I would tell you to play it slow. Spend time with the other person. Ask them to hang out, just the two of you. If they say no, they probably don't like you. At least not like that. Then, you casually elevate the situation with physical contact. Sit just a biiiit too close to them. Did they slide away from you? If so, slide away yourself and laugh to hide your broken heart. But if they stay, continue slowly elevating the situation until one of you grows some metaphorical or actual balls and goes in for the kiss. Remember, kids. Eye contact is either sexy or creepy. And if you look at someone for just a few seconds too long, their reaction will let you know pretty quick how your glance was interpreted. That's what I'd say to a normal person.

But, you're not normal if you're reading this paper. You don't have time to play the long game! You could get shot in the head while you're reading this right now, so it's time to carpe some fucking diem. Basically, you're doing the same strategy as above... just way faster. Personally, I like to lean in close and whisper something so close to their ear that my lips brush against their earlobe. I assume that, if they don't like you, they'll move their head. But when you're done, they'll most likely be looking up at you with puppy dog eyes. Then you can just go for it.

Or, if you don't even have that much time, you can point at them, say "you're cute", grab their face in your hands, and kiss them. I believe they still call that the "Drunk Kate" in certain sections of the Midwest.

Hope this helped,

Kate

*****************************************************************************************
Do you have an issue you'd like some advice on? Mail KateLogan with the subject "Ask Kate"- your answer could be in our next issue!
*****************************************************************************************

Wait. A Positive Street Thread Actually Got a Dozen Responses?

MavisBeacon , in a relatively rare move for our community, actually got people to comment on a positive topic in the streets earlier this week. I should note that Mavis and I work closely together in Detroit- but I'd honestly cover this anyways, due to it's unique tone.

Mavis asked people to discuss why they worked where they do. In other words, what do they appreciate about their current situation?

Honestly, I just wrote out a big long in depth review of this- but it wasn't particularly exciting. It's nice to hear what people say, but as there wasn't a larger theme of discussion, and rather people sharing their unconnected responses, it didn't make for great reporting. I do, however, encourage you to listen to the comments yourself and contribute. 

The current tally of mentions:

Tellurium: 5
ChristianGato: 3
Anomander Rake: 2
Bjorn_Ironside: 2
RobOakheart: 1

That's it for this issue! Please leave any supportive comments or feedback below. See you next time!

Very impressive write Ms. Logan, so far each issue has been excellent. While reading I can tell how much effort you put into these issues, job well done as always.

Dusty rushed like a mad woman to grab the latest edition of The Logan Review. IF anyone asked she would just say she needed coffee and something to read. The truth was Dusty loved Kate's paper and couldn't help herself when the excitement that the newest one was out. Taking it back to the HQ, Dusty settled into her usual spot with a cup of tea.

"This is some great stuff." She said to no one in particular. They would have to get their own copy if they wanted to read it.

Picking up the pen and a paper she pens a letter to Kate.

"Dear Kate,

As usual your review always brings a smile to my face. Keep up the good work and hopefully there will always be something for you to write about.

Always,

Adoring Fan Dusty"

Folding the paper up she hands it to the young lad that was already sent the week before to Detroit. She gave him a little extra so he could enjoy some time there after his delivery.

Sitting down at her glossy mahogany desk, Geena sets aside her cup of coffee to read the latest issue of the Logan Review.  A slow smile begins to creep across her face, but is quickly smothered as she glances up to see if anyone was watching her through her office door.  She pulls a sheet of stationary towards her and pens a quick note to Ms. Logan: 

"Thank you for an excellent issue, as always, Ms. Logan!  I sincerely hope to continue reading your work for many more issues!"

Geena hands the note off to one of the youngsters hanging around the HQ, telling him to deliver it along with a case of her preferred scotch,  giving him some coin for the work.  (She then sends a second youngster along to be sure the first actually delivered the scotch, also  giving him some coin.)

She leans back in her chair to drink her coffee and re-read the review, secretly giddy about the nice things Ms. Logan said about her...

Mavis was enjoying the most recent volume of The Logan Review with his morning coffee. It had become such a ritual, that he would find himself reading previous editions with his morning coffee, as he would otherwise never be able to justify to himself to sit around and drink coffee when there was money out there to be made. 
Although there is no denying that the publication was filled with vital content such as updates of significant recent events, Mavis always found himself enjoying the entertainment from the Profile Edition.

His coffee was not at a drinkable temperature yet, so this allowed Mavis to read the first two pages uninterrupted. 
Finally on page 3, Mavis was finally able to take his first sip of his coffee as he enjoyed the one-liners from his favorite section.
Not even half way done with his coffee, piping hot coffee projectiled out of Mavis' nostrils and his eyes immediately began to tear up.

"Pops... because of the yellow... and being an older guy.... fucking Kate!" he said to nobody, unsure if the tears he experienced was caused by the burning coffee that just traveled to parts it shouldn't, or his love for jokes so absolutely horrible, that they're great.


 

in fabulous heels and blisters again she made her way to collect 6 copies as her RH had used one last time to make 14 paper airplanes with and was very annoying with them in the busy HQ....

she loved reading about her LH and loved know that she was amongst a small handful that called her Kitty and not Fish......she also knew there was about to be much more HQ teasing as her LH just rated higher.....just than her RH in the last addition, although the thigh teasing was still a common theme over morning coffee with all....

she looked forward to 30 mins down time and no shoes soon to sit down and take a proper read...

Wiping the sleep from his eyes Anghrist opens the latest Logan review as he sips his morning coffee. He thumbs through it and smiles.

Heh those fights are still going on. I might have to try my hand, or fist for that matter in them.

Eventually he reaches the reviews section. His smile grows wider, laughing quite out loud, he folds up the paper and makes it a point to find KateLogan and tell her in person what he thinks about her paper.

What an amazing read once again Kate. I'm sure I enjoyed reading it as much as you enjoyed writing it. If you never stop writing, I will never stop reading.

Kate grins as Anghrist stops her in the streets.

Well if you never stop reading, I'll keep writing. Thanks for the kind words!