The Byrne Notice - Issue 1

A Conversation with the Editor

What the hell is this?

This, dear reader, is a newspaper.

Why?

To quote one of my forbears, "One woman's most likely futile attempt to intermittently catalog, comment on, criticize, celebrate, and consider the goings on of our world in the streets and the various business districts."

But why should this even exist?

I'm going to try to accomplish a few things here. 

First, I'd like to inform people about what's going on in our world. There are plenty of papers that tell you what the Yankees or the stock market are up to, but this paper is intended for those only in our very particular underworld society. With so much going on, it can be easy to miss something. I'll do my best to cover all matters of importance.

Second, I'd also like to be at least somewhat entertaining. I will most likely fail in this regard.

Third, I'd like to highlight events and people that I believe deserve a larger share of the spotlight. 

Who are you and why are you qualified to do this?

My name is Tara Byrne. I have no qualifications to do this. But how many other newspapers do you see floating around right now?

I could probably do a much better job than you.

Well then fucking do it and I'll retire from the newspaper business. Please.

How often will this paper come out?

Every week, ideally. More likely it'll be every 7 to 10 days. Possibly longer. Possibly never again.

So what should we expect?

Enthusiastic Mediocrity. 

Disclaimers:

1) We have no sources

2) We have very little talent

3) We have even less motivation

4) We don't proofread.

5) Nothing in this paper is serious; anyone looking to be offended should look elsewhere.

Alright, kiddos. Buckle up.

The Big Kiwi takes the Big Apple

New York, left without a godfather for quite awhile, recently welcome @Jemaine_Clement to the big chair in question. The newest Godfather Chairman had moved to New York from Philadelphia when Spaceman caught him raiding the medicine cabinet and promptly sent him packing. The New Zealand New York  New York New Zealand Office of for Tourism had settled into Brooklyn and had been steadily building towards this moment for quite some time. Eyewitnesses report that lately, the at-the-time Don Clement had been muttering about dynamite in his sleep, but we have not been able to corroborate this due to our total lack of sources or effort.

The Godfather Chairman appointed @Shelley to set up underneath him (editors note: sounds vaguely sexual, rephrase) set up a crew of her own, known as The Maldonado Crime Family. This was a little confusing to this reader. First I thought "Well, her last name must be Maldonado". That's where you're wrong, kiddo. Shelley apparently chose the name to honor her mother's crewleader, Antonio Maldonado Sr. Well, our publications officially applauds this benevolent gesture; the father of @Antonio_Maldonado_Jr must have been doing right if that's the sort of loyalty he inspires from beyond the grave.

Best wishes from TBN (The Byrne Notice... it's the name of the paper, remember? I know, maybe too fast for an acronym) to all of New York as they celebrate this exciting time. 

Feel free to join the "celebrations to end all celebrations" (patently false, since the release of this newspaper will also be celebrated); although it is hyperbolically monikered, @Madeline still threw a damn good party and you can join it HERE

Poker: European Style*

*Note: European Style here refers to the timezone, not the presence of fascism/socialism/monarchy

Word on the street is that @Marie_Lucania is bringing a little extra meat to the table to feed all manner of card sharks. Although nothing has changed with the official underworld poker tournament, keen eyes noticed that anyone flying over from European would be just too tired to participate.

To this we say: Wot wot, good chaps! Throw another shrimp on the barbie! God save the Pocket Queens! Cheers!

Marie_Lucania intends to set up a weekly tournament each Sunday that would take place early enough that those acclimated to all sorts of timezones should be able to play a game without burning the midnight oil. 

We hear at TBN (eh? getting used to it now?) applaud Godfather Chairman Lucania on this move that, frankly, we all probably should have thought of before now. Still, better late than never right? See you at the poker table, matey!

Braid the Pier

Let me tell you, Ladies and Gentlemen, I've been to every business district in this thing of ours- there are some really impressive ones out there. But I don't think I'm being too much of a homer by saying that I'm proud of what Philadelphia has accomplished in building and maintaining and active business district.

We even had some shady individual offering to braid peoples' hair on The Pier-

Wait, what? Seriously?

Raid the Pier

Update, some extremely shady individual has been offering prizes for teams of people to "raid" various Philadelphia businesses. @Spaceman and @JackMezzo promise that there will be no retaliation against individuals who participate in this; they look only to identify this shady individual and bring him to justice  revenge.

See more details on the first raid, The Meatball Marauders, HERE

I'm not a Businessman, I'm a Business, mannnnn

In the future, we plan to travel around the seven cities and visit the must see businesses, recommending them to our discerning clientele. 

Do you have a business you'd like to be featured in TBN? 

Let us know!

Weekly Spotlight: Discussion

There is a currently ongoing discussion in the streets about how to measure success from Race Street's very own JackMezzo. 

Dear reader, I can hear you already. Well, of course she picked her own crewleader. I challenge you: when is the most recent quality discussion?

This seems to be an area currently lacking in our streets and I will do my best to highlight these discussions if and when they occur. In fact, I'll be rewarding each spotlight winner with a prize, depending on how poor I am at the moment.

This one is still in its early stages, just waiting for a bright young man or woman to step forward and share their view. Our topic of the day, you ask?

How do you measure your success?

Some share how you define "winning", and see the thoughts of others on this subject as well.

Is it, as JackMezzo says,

"I want to build a company which wasn't just a name or a tag line. I want to keep my hands clean and welcome death when it comes, satisfied that I've left a sufficient legacy for my children."

Or perhaps you agree with @Star, who says

My only hope going forward is that, my success won't be measured in money or boxes ticked on a list of how many of this and that I did, but who I was to my core 

Or perhaps you agree with @Wild, who states

Public success is less important to me than the personal success. Why? I just don't feel the need to have people fake a congratulations that they don't mean for me. They wouldn't know me really, only what I allow them to know. So I measure my success privately in my own head or my heart against my own personal goals."

Or do you find the statement of @Kristoff mirroring your own, who says

Being a wide eyed youth, of course success was that bold suit. I don't think any young person would disagree with me on that. Over the years though that allure fades for some.  However that still begs the question of how I would define success at my age. I would have to say making new friends and rekindling old friendships for me, right now, is extremely important. If I'm able to accomplish that, I would say I have been successful. 

Why not chip in your own two cents HERE ?

Weekly Spotlight: Stories

There are some events that people just can't help but gossip about. While we never all know the details, knowledge of these adventures makes it way to the streets.

But sometimes there are just so many stories it's hard to even pay attention to all of them?

If I had to pick one to recommend checking out, what are the guidelines?

- High quality

- Short enough where it won't take up your whole day

- Able to listen to what's going on without needing a ton of background

This week: what happens when @FioUccello and @ChelseaUccello go to a business meeting? Bad times. Or good times. I suppose the opinion depends whether your brain is still in your head. Check out the rumors HERE

Classifieds

Were you looking for a fixer?

A driver?

Someone to hook you up with a gun? 

A boxer?

Or maybe an art connection?

Why not let The Byrne Notice know what you're looking for? Advertise your need here, and just watch who gets in touch with you.

Weekly Spotlight: Business

I don't intend for this to be a Philly business showcase; in fact, the next seven business spotlights will come from seven different business districts.

But for our inaugural edition, I would point you all to The Observatory, Philadelphia's hottest nightclub, owned by @Star. 

It's a place where you can listen to the band and dance the night away.

Or admire the vast collection of art.

Or witness the mechanical miracle representing the heavens.

Or perhaps take a look through the telescope yourself.

With so many varied things to do, it's the perfect place to spend an evening exploring- and an even better place to explore with a friend or loved one.

Oh, and right outside on The Race St. Pier is a bar, a bed and breakfast, a massage parlor, and a meatball sub shop- not to mention the other varied Philadelphia businesses.

Once you're in Philly, The Observatory can be found HERE

In our Next Issue:

- we drunkenly review the profiles of current batch of crewleaders

- we review a business from another city

- all the news that's fit to print, and some that isn't

Conclusion

Well, that's it for today. You can expect our next issue to be longer, more varied, and more expansive, since a certain goddamn brother spilled coffee and destroyed the last two pages of this one. 

What to do if you didn't like the paper: Accept my apologies. Go make yourself a drink. Do something else.

What to do if you liked the paper: Public comments of support are great. So are giant stacks of money. 

What to do if you skimmed down to the bottom to read the ending first: What is wrong with you?

What to do if you're an exhausted editor: Sleep.

Any wishes or requests for issue two, please drop in my mailbox.

Special Edition

Moments after release, I was made aware of the following hitlist posting:

08/02 04:31

Anonymous

GavinAndTaraByrne

$100,000

Spam? 11 unnecessary posts which could of been 1. Want to Reclaim the Top 3 Posters??

A mostly cordial response, because I might as well deal with this here:

Spam?

No. Not spam. This is one of those words people throw around now so much that, to quote a favorite Spaniard of mine, "you keep using that word; I do not think it means what you think it means." Please let me know what part of this is spam.

11 unnecessary posts which could have been 1

So really, this entire newspaper is unnecessary? Trying to provide some sort of idea of what's happening, things to check out? No? Nothing. If it's not necessary for you, then don't read it. Either way, if you're trying to litigate what's "necessary" for the streets through the hitlist, then I think it's time to get off your high horse.

Also, it seems like you have an issue with my formatting. Your issue is noted, but this is what I prefer. Each story is separated into an easily readable chunk, which I think is a hell of a lot easier to read. It also allows me to compile it in pieces and have it ready to go, since I don't do all this in one sitting. It's possible that I could do it some other way, but I think it looks clunkier and messier, and so, like Bartleby, I prefer not to. Also, as far as I know, there's no difference between one giant ass newspaper and 10 smaller articles.

Want to Reclaim the Top 3 Posters?

No, I wanted to write a goddamn newspaper, since we seem to be in a time of peace right now and no one else is writing one. The VIP rankings are a cute new detail that can be fun to talk about, but I assure you that I don't really give two shits about them. My bloodline has done everything I want to in this world, and then some. There's not much left to check off my to do list other than have a good time, try to build something worthwhile, and add something to our society. If I wanted to be in the "Top 3", I'd just do what I love to do: bounce around the streets and business districts. I wrote a newspaper because I thought it would be a combination of something I like to do, despite the effort it takes, and because I thought it would add something to the streets.

If you don't like the paper, don't read it. If you want to have a philosophical discussion about my formatting choices, I'll see you on OOC Avenue. If you think I'm abusing the system, report me to city hall; I'll gladly defend myself. If you think you can do a better job at putting a paper together, I'd love to see it. But if you're just going to sit there and post anonymous hitlists taking shots at me, then you can go right ahead and have a nice game of hide-and-go-fuck-yourself.

PS - Thanks to whoever bought this hit off. 

Slow days meant more time to read the latest news and a brand new paper had just arrived on the doorstep of her HQ. She took the folled up paper upstairs and sat down with her feet on her desk, unfurling the newsprint and cursing that the ink had smeared across her fingertips a bit. 

"Must be hot off the press." She thought as she took a sip of her tea. Several minutes later, she had browsed through the whole thing and, upon completion, set it down and picked up her phone, dialing the now familiar number of Gavin and Tara's office. The line run twice before the gruff and slightly dispassionate voice of Gavin answered. 

"Gavin, it's me Star. I just read your paper and I'd like to know if there is a possibility of, say, having several copies delivered to the Observatory? I'd love to be able to put this in the hands of more people. I wanted to thank you also for featuring my business in the paper, I'm delighted to think that this might drum up some more business for the bar. I'll have one of the boys run down later this evening for the first stack then? Thank you."

She hung up the phone and went back to the news, making sure to be absolutely thorough in reading the paper.

"What a piece of shit!"

LoveGun clamored in the middle of the street, paper open as she read and walked.

"What a goddamn piece of shit. What a huge reeking pile of waste! How dare someone go to such lengths to terrorize the beautiful people of our land with this pile of poop."

LoveGun lifted her eyes from the paper, pulling her view from the pile of shit and started yelling again.

"Ma'am! Ma'am with th' tiny dog! MA'AM!!!!!"

Finally, the woman who had just let her dog poop on the sidewalk and then walk away from it turned to acknowledge LoveGun's disruptive nature.

"Ma'am, are you going to clean up your dog's shit or..."

LoveGun was dirty. Sometimes she was the dirtiest of them all. The dirtiest one could ever be. Sometimes she was clean. And sometimes the littlest things got under her skin. Like this. This fancy women with her fancy cat dog rat shitting all over the place she was about to walk. She almost stepped into that shit. That shit distracted her from the Bryn Notice. LoveGun folded the paper in and started to wave it in the air. 

"Ma'am, please be pickin' up after yer....rat!"

The fancy lady realed back in disgust. She started to reply to Lovegun, about her "dog" wasn't a rat and how Love should have more manners. Then fancy lady offered to solve the problem with LoveGun's paper.

"Ma'am, this here paper may be spam but it sure isn't shit! It's high class spam. Entertainment. The best entertainment this world has been seein' for quite some time. I sure will not be pickin' yer rat's shit up with it!"

Once again the fancy lady scoffed at LoveGun. Who took a knee to the sidewalk, picked up the shit with a paper bag and shoved the bag down the woman's coat. 

"Now if ya don' be mindin' I have some readin' to be doin' from this spectacular paper!"

LoveGun continued on her way.