Criminal Life Enquirer
Issue I
M.G. Kelly - Editor
Bob Ross - Columnist
September - Columnist, Ask September
Eric Tyle - Funny Pages
Jenna Tallia - Opinion
Introduction to the CLE
It is what it is
It's been a while since there was a legitimate paper on our shores. We've seen several notable ones throughout the history of "our thing." They bring info to the masses of the criminal underworld, and provide a distraction from the daily grind of robbing post offices and jailbreaking. Everyone remembers the great papers such as the Chuckle Knuckle and the Gwarble Barble, that brought humor and boldness to the streets, or the Bryne Notice, the aptly named Purged Man's Almanac, or this paper's predecessor the Cosa Nostra Times, and several more throughout the years. But we've also seen poor attempts at newspapers that have been uninformed, incorrect, or just an obvious farce meant to annoy.
The best papers are entertaining and well organized above all else.
This publication will attempt to do just that - entertain, while remaining organized and presenting real facts to the world. There will be legitimate articles about current events, commentaries on the state of our underworld, and satirical pieces meant solely to initiate a laugh. We hope you all enjoy the read.
-CLE Staff
Beware the Ides of...May?
I see dead people...
M.G.Kelly
The criminal underworld was rocked to its foundations this week, as mobwars broke out all over the country. No city was left unaffected by the bloodshed. This article will be an attempt to summarize everything that happened for those who may have missed it, or just haven't had it explained to them.
On the evening of May 15th gunshots erupted from Old City District, Philadelphia. In what is said to be an internal affair, the Godfathers of South Philly and Bella Vista attacked their fellow Philadelphians in a bloody affair. Godfather Chairman @LoiusMezzo, along with his respected Dons Apollonia, LogenNineFingers, and CookieDealer were all found dead in an apparent first strike. Oddly, a large portion of Old City's hit squad was left untouched, indicating that the aggressors were hoping for a clean attack and no response from the rest of the district.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, several fiercely loyal mafiosi rose up in defense of their fallen leaders, and returned fire upon their attackers. Within a few minutes of the first wave, RHW Doll of Bella Vista Don Candy fell in retaliation. Not long thereafter, Candy herself was killed. Both sides continued to swap shots, perhaps a bit awkwardly, as the aggressors tried to reason with the remaining Old City mafiosi. Shockingly, a few of them struck out against the other cities, possibly in an attempt to involve them in the altercation. Chromatik and Books, leaders of Los Angeles and New York respectively, met their demise at the hands of Old City hitters. Sang-O and Cactus of Old City made a final stand, before being killed, supporting their godfather to the last breath.
Several other prominent mafiosi lost their lives that night, the most noteworthy of which were Don Astra of Detroit, Don Rock of Seattle, Don Aurelius of Old City, and Godfather Epiphany of Bella Vista.
After the fighting died down, Godmother Isabella-Luciano of South Philly came forth to reason with the masses. A full transcript of her explanation can be found here. Some more deaths were to come, as general clean up ensued after the initial war, and stragglers attempted one last gasp of rebellion.
The very next night, more blood stained the streets of our fine country. In a coordinated effort from New York, Chicago, Seattle, and Detroit hitmen and women, a precision strike was carried out across the country against seven particular mafiosi. Advocatus, MisterManager, Arya_Stark, Rafa, Maeby, Indifference, and Zaheer, all leaders, hands, or prominent well known mafiosi, were gunned down mercilessly across the country within five minutes of each other.
A mail was sent out to select leaders across the country explaining the actions, mere seconds after they were carried out, from the collective godfathers that had coordinated the strike. That mail will remained disclosed, as it was specific to those leaders, but the general notion we have heard is that it was in an effort to prevent further bloodshed or retaliation. For further reading on "Operation Broken Arrow," see this.
Again, probably as was expected, certain parts of the cities who lost leaders did not take well. Miss Luciano in particular was enraged at the events, so much so that the collective decided that she needed to be removed. Not even two hours after the initial strike, the task force was sent out again to remove the famous Godmother and her closest associates. Adele-, LondonHolmes, William_Bowden, and Rat_Smiley all met their demise not long after. The last to fall was GavinByrne, who appeared set to make a final stand in honor of his beloved by setting up an HQ, only to end his own life shortly after.
The bloodshed appeared to be over after that, as a few hours passed with all the remaining cities communicating and looking forward, at least to the public eye. However, intelligence surfaced to Don Jerry of Seattle claiming that @RalphLombino and other Los Angeles mafiosi were collecting locales on the OBA task force for a counter strike. Acting hastily, Jerry assembled the task force and quickly organized a complete "scorched earth" attack on Downtown and Hollywood, Los Angeles. Pasadena was spared as a whole, for reasons not entirely known other than they wanted to move forward and agreed with Operation Broken Arrow's objectives. While we would like to honor all those lost by listing out all of their names and titles, doing so would be very time consuming and counterproductive to our deadline.
You may pay your respects to the fallen here.
What does all of this mean for the future, and who is in charge where now? You can find out by reading further in the pages below.
Impressions
Different strokes for different folks
By BobRoss
Edition I
"Our Emotions in Business"
"This is a difficult climb that is not for the faint of heart." - A quote I'm sure will be famous 90 years from now, if it isn't already! If this is not something you've already heard, I hope it's something you'll take away from this read. Our lives as Mafioso are full of moments of huge tension and high emotion - the kind of business we involve ourselves in literally makes-or-breaks not only people's lives, but their spirit too. However, it is important we remember that what we do here is business, it is not supposed to be emotional. While it may have massive pull on our emotions, as we are all only human after all, we must make our decisions based on our business perception for that is what is in the best interest of every one of us, of all ranks, in all Cities.
This last week, I was unfortunately involved in rather a lot of bloodshed - certainly more than I ever hope to concern myself with. During our time here, my lineage have spent most of their time and effort in creating relationships, forging friendships and networking with all manner of people from This Thing of Ours. From Gangsters to Wise Guys, Made Men to Godfathers, my family have always strived to create as many connections and the best of connections as they could - this in my and my forefathers' opinions, is more important than any ability to earn money or the strength of your killing instinct. Without those around us who put faith and trust in us, none of us would get anywhere in this life. It is our connections that make us what we are. The adage, "You can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep," speaks volumes in our way of life.
However, for all of the confidence I hold in relationships and maintaining peace between families, sometimes there comes a time when it is of necessity that we raise our firearm and pull the trigger. It is unfortunate for us to lose hard-working and dedicated family lines from our world, even if only for a short time. But it would be far more unfortunate for us to see their carnage unfold and this is a perfect example of when we must remember this way of life is about business - not emotion.
During the shooting of the last week, I painfully lost some very good friends - friends not only of mine, but friends my entire lineage loved. An emotional Godfather would have stepped back and refused to take any action and unfortunately, that is what caused some of the further losses our world saw this week. However, a Godfather with our best business interests at heart - our future, our people and our continued growth stands up and makes a decision for their people, in the best interest of their people. That is precisely what the seven standing City Heads we now have did this week. Some of you choose to look down on these people for not waging war and throwing their armies at one another regardless of what the outcome may be, but I think those of you have this place all wrong. We are not savages, we should not look to spark engagement or seek animosity. We are here to collectively enjoy the roles we play - or roleplay, if you will. We are Mafioso. We are here to take every opportunity to grow, prosper, get rich and powerful WITH one another. How many Cities profit from war? Zero. How much stronger is a City after annihilating another? Not at all. It inevitably brings losses and only helps to bring the aggressors new enemies, enemies who are hungrier than ever to see their demise - that's not good for anyone involved, no matter what rank they hold or City they reside in.
So what of loyalty, you may ask? Shouldn't these people who are left standing have remained loyal to those above them who died? This is a loaded question. Loyalty should be earned. If someone dies and the people working below or around them attack back in retaliation - they did it as an act of loyalty. If an entire crew, or an entire district or even an entire city choose not to retaliate, sure some of you may deem it as disloyal - but it begs the question why they weren't "loyal"? Why were these people not so broken by their loss that they were willing to risk everything in retaliation? As a Godfather myself, let me tell you, I do ask loyalty of my people - but I ASK it. I don't demand it. I would only want my people to remain loyal to me if it is really what they feel in their heart. There is no way I would expect any Mafioso of our world to be blindly loyal just because society says we should be - loyalty should always be earned. If you are a leader or even just a large name in this thing of ours and you find yourself dead with no one shooting in retaliation, the problem lies with you - not the people. They are not disloyal people, you just didn't earn their loyalty.
I hope the premise of this article is not misunderstood. I am not here to speak ill of anyone - least of all the dead, they have already paid for their sins. My only intention is to defend anyone who has been painted in a bad light because of the actions of this past week. The people who are left standing from Los Angeles, Las Vegas and Philadelphia are honestly the bravest people we currently have alive around our good country. They are people who were under direct threat and still chose the riskiest move in not retaliating - that took a lot of balls and they deserve the respect of not only their Cities, but all of us. They are the business people of our world that have the courage and stamina it takes to do well in the Mafia. They have not only the mark of the strongest Mafioso, but the strongest Leaders we have to offer.
We are here first and foremost for our business - the longevity of our Cities and the families which reside within them. If we have emotions to share, the Streets have an unlimited number of corners to share them. Now is the time for everyone to grow and prosper together, regardless of which Cities name we bear. If you have emotions you wish to get out, lay down your gun and use your words - the Streets are an open and welcome place for all to hold an opinion, leave your gun at the door. Just be respectful in your confrontations - we are all entitled to an opinion, but there is no need for us to hurl abuse at one another, that is when an emotional reaction turns into a decision made in the best interest of our business.
"This is a difficult climb that is not for the faint of heart." - Let's all remember to be rash and do what is best for the business we all share. It may be tough sometimes, but we should not allow our emotions to get the better of us.
BobRoss
Godfather - Chairman of Detroit
So, Who is in Charge Now?
Who moved where, and what does it mean to you?
After all the dust had settled from the events of the last few days, here is what has changed in the underworld.
Philadelphia
- Whoreable moved to Old City District and assumed the role of Godmother Chairwoman
- Luis_Patangeli took over the role of Godfather of South Philly
- Sopapilla was named acting Godfather of Bella Vista
- PiusXIII was authed as a captain in Old City District
- Valencia was authed as a captain in South Philly
Los Angeles
- WallyWest took the role of acting Godfather Chairman
- Katherine_Pryde was named district head of Pasadena
- Leanna moved her crew from Las Vegas into Los Angeles and was named district head of Hollywood.
Las Vegas
(Sorry Seattle, there is no yellow so they stole your color)
New York
- HarperLane moved from Las Vegas to set up a family in Manhattan.
- MarkHanna took over the position of acting Godfather in Manhattan.
Detroit
- BobRoss became godfather of Bricktown
- Willie_Brennan opened a retirement home for old fart mafiosi like SerafinaPekkala
- Joseph_Ligambi was named leader of 12th Street following Don Astra's unfortunate demise
- @AlbertHoffman was authed as a captain in 12th Street
- Vash finally became godfather of Corktown
- MGK was named his captain in Corktown
Chicago and Seattle have made no changes to leadership since the wars, which is lucky, because we are out of colors to use.
The United Nations is Back
And they mean business.
M.G.Kelly
Decades ago, before the Disorder Regime, before Mariette, before even the CP, there was a group of mafiosi who ran our streets who called themselves the United Nations. They lead with a strong hand, but were not quite tyrants - many a young mafiosi learned the ropes from their grizzled old veterans. They took pride in their work, and they did it well, becoming legends of our thing in the process.
After many years, the memory of these men and women had faded somewhat as new bloodlines came in and old ones moved on. We thought it might be a good idea to give some of those newer bloods, who would not have family journals regarding the original UN, a bit of a summary of what they are all about.
We had a short sit down with Godfather Tiny_Tim of New York, hoping to get the info straight from the source.
***
CLE - The United Nations originally ruled on these shore many years ago, but a lot of younger bloodlines weren't around for that. Can you explain to them what "1041" means, and why the UN displays the numbers on their suits?
TT - First thing to understand about 1041 is the time period it came from. Family sizes were much larger back then. To have a 50 man crew was easy. We had sub crews and such. We did not have the modern conveniences of Tyler and his men showing up or the random gangster to train our shooting. We had to bring our own people into this world and let them sit and wait. As you could imagine people got tired of waiting and the "accidental" shot would take out a real family member. Well as you can imagine we didn't like our family being the target of such attacks. So made a rule that said when you shoot someone from our family we would take out 10 from your family. Hence 10 for 1 or 1041. Everyone in the UN wore that banner as a warning to other families. Also it meant that everyone in our family was valuable to us and we would defend any of our people being attacked. It became a family Core value. One we hold true through today with our family and their kin.
CLE - What tempted you and yours to return to these shores after so many years away and give this life another shot?
TT - What makes anyone return to this world? Some over and over again other take a break for a few years and then join the life again. It was the right time. We called up the old the gang and here we are. Funny part is, like we never left. These people are my family.
CLE - Now that the UN has become more prevalent on the underworld scales again, what are your goals for the future?
TT - What does the future hold for any of us. My goal was to have a family again. I did that. My goal was to run a city, I did that. Now I need to shift focus to helping others achieve their goals. People take power and hold it like choking a throat of your victim. Thats power to some. For me I hold power by giving that same power to others. By taking my family and letting them grow into their own family's if that is what they want. To help other achieve a higher rank. Through all this we grow as a Nations Family. I would hope to pull New York together and compete with other cities, to help people meet people and make new gangster connections to last a lifetime. We have already brought together a lot of groups here in New York that have never met and now watching them in talk, laugh and enjoy their time as a gangster. In the meantime I will work for peace among the the leaders. We have a good team now. I hope to let it grow and be part of it.
***
There you have it folks, straight from a leader of the UN himself! The CLE would like to graciously thank Tim for his haste in replying to us, as we approached him about this very close to publication and he was very thorough without overdoing it. Kudos to you, Sir.
Dear September
Sage advice from a wise old lady
Dear September,
I just recently joined my new family. I've been here about a week, but since then my boss has asked for donations three times. Is this normal? How do I tell him to stop being a greedy pig without sleeping wit da fishes?
Sincerely,
Chelsea Cheapskate
Aloha, Chelsea Cheapskate.
Firstly, stop being so goddamn ugly. Inside and out. What do you even spend your money on? Obviously not make up. Do yourself a favor and buy yourself some mascara, groceries for the week and then donate the rest to your boss. Without your boss you'd be on the streets, cold and swimmin with the fishes. If you do donate, but it's not enough you'll be sleeping with the fishes. If you tell your boss he's being a greedy pig you'll be sleeping with the fishes. How do you think he pays to keep the lights on? Keep himself alive with body guards? Pay those body guards? With your fucking donations.
xoxo,
September.
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Dear September,
Why do mean people keep pickpocketing me? I clearly state on my suit that I am not pickpocket friendly, but they keep doing it! Can they not read? Maybe I should put a threatening message about doing things to them should they pickpocket me that I clearly can't back up?
Sincerely,
Connor Confused
Aloha, Connor Confused.
I'm so happy you wrote into me cause I'm going to set you straight. We are criminals. That's what we are. If you wanted to be a farmer and not have anyone pick pocket you, you can do that. Leave the life, leave the city and go manage some cows. If you wanted to be a priest and serve god, you can do that. Leave the life, leave your sins and go join a church. But if you want to be a criminal then you'll have to deal with everything that comes with this life. Including pick pocketing. You can't get away from it. Stop being a petty little dick bag. Don't fucking threaten your pick pocketers. You have options of retaliation, mug them. Bank your money constantly so they don't get anything. You have fucking options.
xoxo,
September
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Dear September,
Will you wake me up when September ends?
With great affection,
Billie
Aloha, Billie
I'll wake you up with a kiss.
xoxo,
September
----------------------------------------------------
Dear September,
Have you ever had a war started over you? If not, how come? Is it because you're ugly?
Sincerely,
Some chick who did have a war started over her (probably)
Aloha, rando drama chick
Stop using your cunt to get places in life. And if you want to use it, do a better job. A true women of manipulation gets everything she wants and it never blows up in her face with a war. Don't be a selfish fugly bitch.
xoxo,
September
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Want your questions answered by september? You can submit them here, totally anonymously!
Not All Handjobs Are Created Equal
Some are just a bit limp.
Jenna Tallia
Hello, my loving readers and fans. I am Jenna, and I am here to say all of the things you are too afraid of saying. Buckle up!
Today's subject: Handjobs.
Not the sex act you perverts! The job of being a right or left hand man person.
Something that was probably inevitable with the rising number of crews and lessening of the criminal population is something I've heard a lot of talk over recently. The quality of the average hand isn't quite what it used to be. I don't want to compare everyone to the pedestal like place we all have in our hearts for hands of the past such as JesseJames, Tsu-Doh-Nimh, Bunny, Perrin, Egwene and so on, but the caliber of handjob has certainly fallen in recent times.
We aren't going to name off any names here as my editor doesn't want to ruffle feathers, (whata vagina) but the ones I'm talking abou are blatantly obvious. And generally the leader that selects them isn't any better off, clearly having only received a crew through friendship or lack of viable options rather than by merit. We all see them, we notice how idiotic they look and behave, and we try to ignore it and pretend like the standards of our thing haven't become disgustingly low.
If you're sitting there wondering, "is she writing about me?" She probably is. Your handjob is not real, you are just fantasizing. Perv.
Famous Beauty Miraculously Awakens From Coma
Men everywhere rejoice.
Eric Tyle
Physicians were baffled last evening, as famous model/singer/songwriter/sex icon Tamsin suddenly woke from a weeks long coma in Philadelphia General Hospital.
Having fallen ill with an undisclosed ailment in early April, many fans had presumed her dead or dying, never to strut her stuff again. Having made a living of making many a man stiff in the pants, the ample bosomed babe had seemed to have broken hearts for the last time. Some are alleging that it was all a publicity stunt, to get fans in a frenzy when she returned. One fan, identified as Shelby actually began foaming at the mouth and went into a coma himself, repeatedly muttering only the word "mommy" as he was carted into the hospital.
Indeed, when she exited the hospital in a stunning little black dress the streets nearly deformed into riots, as crazed men tried to get to her. She was ushered into an armored car and rushed out of the city, to locations unknown.
Rumors of her beginning filming of a racy new movie in Los Angeles are as of yet unconfirmed.
Death Dice Sweeps the Streets
Dice for your life!
M.G.Kelly
Recently the gods have bestowed upon us mere mortals a new way to gamble away that which is most valuable to us. As if we didn't risk enough in casinos as it was, the ability to gamble with your life has swept the nation.
This sort of thing has a long and storied history in our thing, with past games such as "russian roulette" causing a stir around the country. Mafiosi simply need approach the gods on mount main at the proper hour, and claim their "code," allowing them the possibility of becoming the next Jerry for the mere price of their soul should they make a mistake.
The rules are inscribed across the walls with great clarity, all one must do is make their claim and follow the rules, roll the dice the proper number of times and have a bit of luck and they can be rich. But take too long, or make the wrong bet, and Squishy has you for dinner.
A small uproar was caused when the former Godfather Heston of Manhattan was consumed by the all powerful cheesegod, having failed to meet the time constraints placed upon gamblers that day. Some suggested it was wrong of the gods to offer such riches at the risk of such a terrible fate. To that, this reporter has but one thing to say:
If you want to win, don't lose.
The 1% Effect
When protection goes wrong.
M.G.Kelly
The "1%" shot has been around since the dawn of time - a mafiosi with little or no marksmanship skill miraculously hitting and killing someone much more important than themselves. Such is the way of our life - nothing we do comes without risk, not even taking a pro shot in defense of our lives.
But recently it has seemed that these "1%s" have been happening with increasing frequency. Most notably and recently, two famous Dons lost their lives to 1% shots - Don Rock of Seattle and Don Astra of Detroit. The shots shook both of the respective cities to their cores, the shockwaves of their falls likely having effects on both cities for some time to come.
Recent research shows 1%s happening at roughly 1.3% of the time, which is pretty standard actually. Anywhere within .3% either way of 1% is about the normal. So why does it seem that they have been happening more frequently in recent years? Perhaps it is just that they are happening to bigger names and more prominent bloodlines than before, and that makes them hurt all the more to those of us they left behind.
Big names such as Syndicate, Rita_Hayworth, Rubix, and MoeLester have all fallen recently in addition to the two previous named. Others have certainly happened, but these are the ones that jump out.
There is no real way to avoid it, it is just the risk you must take during a war to try to protect yourself. We can only hope against hope that we or someone we love doesn't fall to a 1% next.
Classified Ads
Damn Salesmen.
- Credits for sale! Check OOC avenue, there's like five people doing it.
- Looking for love! Male, early 40s, originally from Liverpool. Looking for a lady to stroke his hair and sing him lullabies. Contact Androcles for more info
- Nude painter, willing to paint you in any pose you wish. Your nudity is optional, mine is not - Contact BobRoss to set up an appointment.
- Retirement home opens its doors, now seeking residents to do chores...erm, be taken care of. Phone Willie_Brennan to apply. Better yet, don't, he probably doesn't know how to operate a phone.
- YOUR AD HERE! Simply mail it in to MGK or submit it in the reader response form below.
The Last Words
Everyone has some.
From everyone here at Criminal Life Enquirer, thank you very much for reading. There is VERY LITTLE chance of this being a weekly publication, but we will do our best to get it out at least once a month.
In the meantime, we would greatly appreciate your feedback! Please let us know how we did, how we can improve, and the last 8 digits of your social security number.
(That's a joke, we know there are actually 9, please no one actually send their social security numbers, you mongs.)
Until next time!
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