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Applications Requested: Serious Applicants Only Started by: FrankCastiglia on Aug 02, '22 03:11

It had been seven hours and fifteen days since Bobs_Burgers had taken his friendship love away from BBB and Frank.


The two, very strong, very manly men had begun to discuss their options as it pertained to replacing the man who once made this dastardly, dynamic duo, a trio. Deciding amongst them they must immediately seek applications for a new best friend they began to brain storm how to spread the word…



“A list perhaps?” Frank spoke up from the table that the two men sat at next to one another but not close enough for it to be weird, just the right amount off leg touching.


“We could list all the qualities we need in a third best friend, find some way to get it to the public so that everyone can see it! And it could even…”


“IT COULD EVEN BE IN SONG FORM!!!” Both exclaimed! As they often finished things, together. Mostly sentences.


“Yessss!” Frank shouted as he got a pep in his step and a song that built in his heart.

“Grab a pen and paper and write this down!” Frank slid to his right as he smiled from ear to ear as he cleared his throat and with the voice of an angel began to sing…



“If you want this choice position, Have a silly disposition…”



BBB worked to hurriedly scribble the words down as Frank continued…



“Rosy cheeks, no disliking goats, (That's the part I put in!)”



BBB exclaimed as Frank finished the last note.


“Play games, all sorts, especially ones revolving around the mafia.”



Frank continued with a sneer after BBB’s interruption.



“You must be kind, you must be semi-witty, Very sweet and fairly pretty (But not prettier than me!)”




Frank sneered at BBB again as he interrupted his song.




“Take us on outings, give us treats, Sing songs, bring sweets.”




“That parts very important!” BBB said having waited for a break in Franks singing this time.



“If you have so much to say then why don’t you just finish the damn song then and I’ll write!?” A frustrated Frank said sarcastically.




BBB stood up and walked to where Frank was as the two men traded places. Clearing his throat as Frank picked up the pen and prepared to continue writing BBB began to sing…




“Never be cross or cruel, Never hitlist us or ask to duel.”




A spotlight appeared on BBB as the rest of the lights went out making it harder for Frank to see to write.



“Love us as a sons or brothers, And never smell of my goats water. (I put that in too!)”



BBB gave a wink toward Frank as he struggled to write in the dark.



“If you won't scold and only occasionally dominate us, (Or abandon us like Bob!)”




This time Frank couldn’t help but to interrupt Bob.



“We will never give you cause to hate us!”




BBB continued with a twirl as if a packed auditorium stared back at him.




“We won't hide your spectacles so you can't see, Put a horses head in your bed or wack you, at least not with glee.”




BBB dropped to his knees for the big finale.



“Hurry, new best friend, Many thanks, Sincerely, BBB and Frankie C, And oh yeah! We accept, any ranks.”




As BBB finished the song he hung his head and stretched his arms out wide as the lights somehow came back on and the spotlight went away.


The faint sound of goats bleating in the background the only noise heard as Frank stood from the table and began slow clapping.



“I think that’s it! I think that’s perfect!” Frank said as a smile rushed across his face and he wiped a tear from his eye.



The two men embraced in the manliest of friendship hugs before Frank again picked up the pen and looked back at BBB.



“So where do we write for them to apply for the role of our new best friend?” Both men stopped to ponder.



“The street of course! We’ll post the letter on the most prominent light pole we can find and then wait nearby for the in person interviews!” BBB spoke as a man who just found the answer to the meaning of life.



“Brilliant!” Frank said as he held the pen up high before putting it to paper and leaving the directions for applicants to apply in person to the two fellows standing behind the pole.



“Now, let’s go get us a new third best friend!” Frank said excitedly as the two men hurried off to tape the open letter to the public and await for their new Bob.

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Sunrise looks at the duo who dares to step his turf of parody’s.

You like popins don’t cha here’s mine
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In every job that must be done There is an element of fun You find the fun and snap! The job's a game And every task you undertake Becomes a piece of cake A lark! A spree! It's very clear to see that A Spoonful of poison helps the enemy’s go down The enemy’s go down-wown The enemy’s go down Just a spoonful of poison helps the enemy’s go down In a most delightful way A robber feathering his nest Has very little time to rest While gathering his bits of Paint and a wig Though quite intent in his pursuit He has a merry tune to toot He knows a song will move the job along - for A spoonful of poison helps the enemy’s go down The enemy’s go down-wown The enemy’s go down Just a spoonful of poison helps the enemy’s go down

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Frank looks at BBB as the odd man in front of them sings a song of his own that doesn’t quite rival their brilliance and cunning nor overall movie star good looks.

“Yeah, it’s a no from me. I don’t believe you’re good enough to go through to Hollywood.” Frank says as he looks at BBB.

“BBB, thoughts?” Frank asked as he took a cigarette from his pocket and lit it.
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I believe that I am the best candidate to become your new best friend. I have prepared a musical number to showcase my abilities. 

Conqueeftador clears his throat and begins playing some music from a nearby record player. 

Maybe he's right
Maybe there is something the matter with me
I just don't see how a crew leader that makes such wonderful things could be bad

Looks at this thug
Isn’t he neat?
Wouldn’t you befriend someone so sweet
Wouldn’t you think he’s the guy
The guy who would say anything?

Look at this trove 
Lies and slander unfold
How many blunders can one city hold?
Looking around here you’d think
Sure, he is menacing 

I’ve got credits and free gifts a-plenty
I’ve got gossip and libel galore
You want hitlist cash? 
I’ve got plenty
But who cares?
No big deal
I want moreeee

I wanna be where the Sunrise is
I wanna see, wanna see their secrets
Talking around on those, what do you call’em? 

Oh, streets

Flapping your gums doesn’t get you far,
Especially if you don’t speak proper
Standing on soap boxes giving, what's the word again?

Out where they talk, Out where they stalk,
Out where they lie to your face just for fun
words flowing free, wish I could be, part of their world

What would I give if I could live without these borders
What would I pay, to have you say, that I’m your friend
Betcha young man, you understand
Bet they don’t reprimand my slaughters
Too tight trousers, Your Tale spinning

Ready to plannnn

And ready to know what the Kuku knows
Ask him my questions, and get some answers

What’s a POLHF and why does it, what's the word? 


When's it my turn?
Wouldn’t I love, love to scoot down the streets with my Bruv
I’m out here with glee,
Singing for thee
Part of your world


Conqueeftador waits as the two men take a moment to compose themselves after what must have been one of the greatest experiences of their lives. 

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The smartly dressed man looked to Frank.

"Ye Sunrise, Im going to have to give you a no. I liked idea however, it lacked the originality we are looking for in a quality friend."

He rose to greet his own right hand man. Embracing him, he smiled. 

"My oldest friend, what can I say to you that I havnt already said privately. That was remarkable, original and passionate. I havnt seen talent like this in a long long time. I will certainly give you a yes."

He turned to Frank. 

"Frank, what do you say? Hes weird, wild and wonderful! I think I love him"

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Frank slow claps and then wipes a tear from his eyes.

“You know, let me tell ya something. Let me just, just go ahead and throw this out here. I’m impressed. I’m so impressed in fact that I am going to say yes. BUT! I’m also going to move you to the final three. Yes. There will be a final three. The top 3 applicants will have a final show off to determine the friend of friends. The ultimate. The Sammy Davis Jr to our rat pack! Yes. Conqueeftador you are on to the next and final round. I applaud you.”

Frank lurks back behind the pole and awaits more applicants.
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"FrankCastiglia, I thought you'd never ask. Now, more than ever, I need a friend.

My fame, talent and profile are obviously superior to yours, but I could help elevate you from the tawdry position of mediocrity you spend your pitiful life in.

What do you say, Frank? "
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Dirty steps up to the plate and clears his voice:


"Roses are red, violets are blue,

I've got a gun, get in my van."

Dirty, looking pleased with himself, says:

"Thank you for your consideration."

And walks away.

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Frank looks at both men and shakes his head no.

“First of all, Francis, no. Just no. Never.”

“Second of all, DirtyDirty, while I appreciate your choice of song, the delivery and the getting in a van says it’s a no from me.”

“Both of you can, sashay away.”

Frank goes to hide behind the pole as to not show his further disappointment.
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"Thank you very much DirtyDirty, that was excellent. In those few words you managed to show us love, passion, the ability to tell colours and a creepy menacing side". 

He learned back in his chair and took a sip of water. 

"Im going to leave it to Frank to decide but you get a yes from me. Congrats."

He turned to the other man who clearly needed a friend, info and cash. He looked like man that might have some kind of plan and scheme going. 

"Frank I am going to let you deal with this applicant, since he directly addressed you"

He leads Conqueeftador and DirtyDirty away for there medical check. 

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Dirty frowns and explains:

"That song is usually reserved for female cheerleaders, of which I have an abundance of locked in my basement. I figured it would show my entrepreneurial sprit and show you that I'm a 'go-get-her'. Obviously it was lost on you, (being a male that is) I shall have to come up with a different serenade to show you the benefits of being my 'best friend' in the future."

*Dirty sits on the curb and tries to come up with a suitable tune for friendship.*

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Frank pokes his head around from the pole and shakes his head no.

“DirtyDirty, you’re just embarrassing yourself. It’s too late. You had one shot and you missed your chance to blow. This opportunity only comes once in a lifetime, etcetera.”

Frank goes back to ducking behind the pole.
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*Dirty kicks a stone in the street.*

"Shucks" He responds, dejected.

"Guess I'll have to find a new best friend"

*Dirty walks away into the sunset*

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Void had listened to the Consigliere's search for a new comrade after the mysterious withdrawal of Bob from the trio. FrankCastiglia and BBB were a happy bunch but must've felt like something was missing. Something about the rule of threes came to Void's mind.

"Though I have no interest in becoming the third wheel of this jolly cabal I have been moved by the songs and poetry that I had the pleasure of listening to. Especially Conqueeftador's song touched me. The clank of their armor made it hard to hear some parts but that's besides the point."

"I figured hey, why not try my own hand at composing something lyrical? So today I bring you a Limerick. I would like to very firmly and explicitly state that the tale told in this Limerick is COMPLETELY FICTIONAL and does ABSOLUTELY NOT tell a true tale."

"I have already had bounties placed on my head today on the hitlist and wouldn't want to get any new ones attached to me for spreading lies and slander. So remember folks, THIS LIMERICK IS FICTION."

Void cleared his throat.

There once was a mobster named Hobbs
Whose hotels were lacking kebabs
He slaughtered a horse
Having no remorse
While Mike stifled back his sobs

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"Void, are you slandering me? It feels like you're slandering me. I'd like you to retract that line about the horse murdering. Don't bring attention to the horse murdering. Never mention it. Not even as SATIRE."

Hobbs was extremely worried. The reliable word on the streets was Ian 'Illuminatiated' O'Keefe was unstable and about to wage war on the world. Hobbs did not want to get caught in the crossfire in that eventuality. 

"Listen here you pervert. You can't stick a small fictional flag in your poem and then deliver it AWFULLY and expect people to be happy. I'd also like to know just who in the blue hell is tipping you so much money? When I find out I'll be delivering some serious arson attacks  harsh words in response. Please name and shame."

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Frank peers out from behind the pole as he listens to Hobbs well delivered monologue. Clapping as he steps out around it he approaches him.

“Hobbs, I don’t like you most of the time. But that is what friendship is all about. That speech was well improvised, delivered and to be fair, you may be a slightly better actor than BBB. I say yes, if BBB agrees, you’re on to the final round!”

Frank looks over toward BBB.

“What says you my friend?”
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Dirty steps out from the crowd. 

"Frank, you're going to let that horse-murdering scum into your 'best friend circle and not me? I'm appalled and this thing is rigged. How much did Hobbs pay you?"

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Frank peered around the pole as the man spoke. Having been accused of falsifying results and taking bribes, he lifted one of BBB’s goats above his head and threw it in his general direction.

“Listen here, Hobbs may be a lot of things! Con-artist, pervert, pastry chef, horse murderer but he is not a man who bribes other attractive men into putting him through during a legitimate and upstanding contest!”

Frank leans down as BBB motions to whisper into his ear.

“Oh yeah! And he’s only allegedly a horse murderer! Forget I said that! It is allegedly! Thank you!”

Frank returns to hiding behind the pole.
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Void anxiously turned towards Hobbs, he had already sort of seen this one coming before he even read out his poem. All he could do now was hope that he'd be able to weasel out of this one without getting his ass beat. Time to perform some mental gymnastics.

"Hobbs, it is but a fiction! A jape! A humerous HYPOTHETICAL scenario! Of course I would never insinutate that you actually burned a horse and funnelled its corpse into the Three Star Kitchens! The absurdity of that! Who would believe it? Nobody."

"I would just like to correct what you said about marking my poem as fictional, it was 3 BIG fictional flags. Not one small flag. You're counting like a Detroit Hooligan, don't let HeadCoach hear or he'll try to recruit you into his ranks again."

"As for my most generous benefactors I of course cannot give their identities away that easily. It would be immoral at best. I do have something that will no doubt delight you though."

To: Void
Sent: Aug 02, '22 19:42

That was, perhaps, the worst poem I've ever read.

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