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The Weekly Gazette : 7th issue Started by: Gillian on Feb 15, '24 19:24

The Weekly Gazette ©

February 15 issue

Prologue

Our last issue was many, many months ago. The editor-in-chief was @Chewbacca, he threw a hissy fit and killed himself with a shot to the ass. Our new editor is Gillian, his daughter. She had lost the will to write, but after seeing our streets in dire need of a (decent) newspaper and by popular demand, she decided to continue the work of her ancestors and for the return of The Weekly Gazette! Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for a pleasant newspaper catharsis.

PS: We believe this issue is the 2nd longest we published til now. We had to make up for time lost and there is much to talk about. So sit back somewhere comfortable with a cup of coffee or tea and enjoy the ride!

Spacepole and The Groundbreaking Discovery of Male PMS

Last month, SpacePole's kin went bonkers and wasted all of his family's fortune putting dozens of hits up on prominent members of this thing of ours. With an amazing team effort, the targets were able to buy off the hits, leaving an angry and desolate pole behind. He then started yelling on the Streets that he would pay lots of Corrupt Agents to the one that took a shot. Unfortunately, our dear @Fluffy_Tummy had suffered a demotion, which made him an easy target. ProjecT's kin seeing this as an opportunity, killed our dear kitty. GRHS. After some time, when we thought the pole had relented a bit, in his failure, one of his kin appeared again yelling in the streets, offering a hundred Corrupt Agents if someone shot aethersix. He also threw a hissy fit and screamed a bunch of nonsensical and offensive stuff. Sadly, NineSecondMan, a treacherous murderer shot our dearest Spiral, but not motivated by the bounty but rather a long planned vendetta. However, it does seem he collected the bounty anyway. A huge loss and tragedy. But what pole doesn't know, is that this newspaper hired a scientist and lots of doctors to study his body after he died. The doctors found an immense amount of the female hormone that causes PMS. They did some research and they found out what caused this weird anomaly. Apparently, rubbing yourself in Strip Tease Poles, can do that. Now we know where his family got all that money from. RIP.

PS: This newspaper admires, praises and respects all the strippers and burlesque dancers.

The Unsponsored Problem

Recently, our dear RupertGiles announced in the streets that unsponsored people shall be given seven days before getting shot down, and it has been this way ever since. Apparently, it was a big decision with many big city leaders involved. A lot of peple complained, yelled, stomped their feet and barked a strange word after the announcement. We believe the word was "purging", but it might have been "orgy", we are not entirely sure which one (hopefully the latter and be sure to send our editor an invitation). We interviewed someone who wish to remain anonymous and their words were:

"Imagine that you're a Godfather, a Don, a Boss. You have a whole family, a lot of people working for you and depending on you. You pay taxes, you bribe people, you bribe coppers, you must spend money in hundreds and thousands of bodyguards and fortifications for your Headquarters. The ranks of your people vary between bosses, wise guys, made men, thugs, petty thieves, gangsters. Even the lowest ones, they are all earning money and contributing, helping their families in some way. Are we obligated to see unsponsored gangsters and goombas commiting crimes in our turfs and profiting without our consent? Are we supposed to see them grow and roam freely and maybe, perhaps in the future, join a rival mob boss or an ally who suddently decided to run amok and betray us, and provide them with protection and cover shots? Should we take this risk for the sake of appearences? The answer is no." - Anonymous person we didnt make up.

Very well said, sir. We are yet to see the consequences and results of this decision in long term. If you have any information about orgies happening though, send us a letter with extreme urgency. Thanks.

The Chicago Curse

Chicago was once a fine city. People used to be happy there. There were tasty hot dogs in the business districts, restaurants, families going shopping and MrChaChaSlide and @Brentt_everett walked by holding hands under the moonlight. Of course, these are only stories we heard from taletellers and our parents and grandparents. The Windy City is now only known for being cursed. It all started when TheBeast, a mix of man and beast, known for his short temper, fuckery and very polite (not) ways, took over as Godfather (GRHS). Briefly speaking and of course, #BlameSpacey, some unpleasant things happened and our lovely Chicago was wiped out. Shortly after that, the Godfathers and proeminent figures of our shores gathered for a meeting and decided to set CH out as a competition city. Someone named Ghost took over, along with RazorBladeMario, another famous character in these shores. Little time has passed when the council table decided to put an end to them, as they weren't respecting the rules. Then the cursed town was handed over to Streetfame, a very nice and delightful individual. Unfortunately, to our dismay, our sources confirm that while he was a gentleman and fun lad, he was oblivious to all attempts of contact from other proeminent figures of these shores, ignoring them completely when it came to political matters. So again, most of Chicago population was erased from existance by Ketamine, who decided to solve this problem with the help of another city. She took over the reigns of Chicago and The Windy City is thriving again. This newspaper had its doubts about the curse being lifted, but we witnessed something incredible a few days ago:

ROGUE-A-THON: With a fearsome display of badassery, Ketamine single handedly dismembers Roguette.

Under such badass, strong and fierce leadership, we are completely sure that Chicago have a bright and vigorous future. Cheers to Ketamine and may she never let the curse "blow to the wind" again.

The List Of Shame

"Saved a woman from the shame of prostitution today!

I didn’t pay her." - MrChaChaSlide.

We decided to take notice and talk about something that is usually unimportant to most people. In these shores we have sheets delivered to our houses, containing the ammount of words the mafiosi yelled around during the week. Pretty weird to have someone stalking each individual, counting every single word they say. But it is how it is. Our lovely Don Aethersix, once the undefeated champion of this list, is now disqualified. Shame on him for not being shameful! If you must shame yourself over something, at least win at it, is what we always say. The big-mouthed Warmonger now owns the 1st place with 1937 words said. Congratulations and shame on you, Warmonger!

 Warmonger[MR]: 1937 lines, Fanta[MR]: 1764, Falka[MR]: 1087, IzzyCreamcheese: 740, Transistor[MR]: 710, Kiala[MR]: 690, Madoka[MR]: 670, Taylor Callaghan[MR]: 653, RupertGiles[MR]: 628, SuperDuperFlippy[MR]: 539

Sports and Competitions Section

- After the unfortunate demise of our loved Roxie, we thought decent poker games were forever off the table. Thankfully, we had Quini to save the day! She is now managing the weekly games at the The Fifth Element Poker Casino! The prizes have been amazing and they have lots of special gifts. Check it out on this flyer attached and we wish you happy gambling!

- Sniffler's brawl for fall has been happening since... well, fall. After all the kicking (and grabbing) ass on the boxing ring, Spicy and MrChaChaSlide are the finalists. We are expecting to see a lot of blood in this last fight, as both of them are extremely dangerous fighters. Hurry there, buy some hotdogs, corndogs and be sure to take a seat in the front row, there'll be lots of ketchup.

- A little cute kittie is throwing an amazing writing contest here in the Streets. All you have to do is get there and use your imagination. There are some nice tips and bonuses up for grabs and we highly recommend you to join!

Weather Section

"What does snowmen do in their free time? CHILL."

Its winter, folks! Its been crappy today and tomorrow will be even crappier; snow is expected and not the good kind of sniffy sniff snow. But it doesn't need to suck, after all, its a winterful life! Go out and seize the day, or should we say: freeze the day? Bundle up and don't forget to take antibacterial tissues with you, as aethersix is rumored to be spreading his man flu/cold everywhere. He was seen being craddled by Sniffler like a baby and being fed chicken soup in bed, while pouting. Such a cute couple. We wish he feels better soon.

Business Review

This week our critic visited the Ramen in a Box in Detroit. It was HERA's business, but after she passed away, her grandaughter HERA took over. The first thing our critic noticed was clients returning their plastic containers. He asked a waiter and she explained that all reusable plastic containers are worth discount coupons, so the client always comes back and at the same time, they are taking care of the environment. Such a great idea! The he sat down and ordered every single thing in the menu but what melted his heart was the Kalguksu, the knife-cut noodles in seafood broth. It was truly delicious! Everything was excellent and he was going to rate it a 5, but unfortunately, a red hair was found into the Cheesy Ramen. He wasn't sure if it was a pube or a hair. We suspect it might be Ginger's, but we have no evidence he frequented the restaurant. For that reason, the critic rated it a 4/5! ☆☆☆☆

PS: If you happen to be the owner of the pube/hair, we won't return it, as our editor Gillian need to train her voodoo penis enlargement spells. DeadlySin has a small penis for months now, because of a spell mistake.

Recipe of the week

The recipe of the week is something that its delicious, quick and very easy as a 8 year old child could cook it.

Pressure Cooker Pasta

Ingredients:

500g of pasta (penne or fusilli), 200g of bacon chopped in cubes, 150g of sausage in slices or cubes, 200g of desalted jerked beef (or dried meat, whatever you call it), 1 chopped onion, lots and lots of chopped garlic, 4 cups of water, 1 can of milk cream, 200g of cream cheese (or cottage cheese), 300g of mozzarella (or any other cheese you like) in cubes, salt and black pepper (how much you like), chopped parsley and chive, 100g of grated parmesan to sprinkle on top.

In the pressure cooker, place the diced bacon to fry until it is golden and crispy. Remove the excess of fat if necessary. Add the sliced ​​sausage and fry until golden. Add the shredded dried meat and mix well. Add the chopped onion and sauté until it becomes transparent. Then add the chopped garlic and sauté for another 1-2 minutes. Add the pasta to the pan and mix well with the already sautéed ingredients. Add the water, making sure the pasta is well covered. Close the pressure cooker and, as soon as it starts to sizzle, count 5 minutes. After 5 minutes, turn off the heat and wait for the pressure to release naturally. Open the pan carefully. Place the milk cream, cream cheese and diced mozzarella in the pan and mix well until everything is well incorporated and the cheese has melted. Adjust salt and pepper to taste. Serve on a platter, sprinkle with grated Parmesan cheese and, if you want, garnish with chopped parsley and chives.  

Bon Apetit!  

Lost and Found Section

- Goomba Tommy2knives has lost one of his knives. We suspect that NineSecondMan stole it and used it to stab someone in the back, before he died. We shall keep investigating and looking for the object. If you have any information, please send it to our office.

- Earner ParaprosdokianIan has lost all his namesakes. A few months ago, there was a contest for the best Ian and our loved ParahdodaokiaiIan won the 1st place. Unfortunately, all of his competition died (proving that he is indeed the best Ian). We would love to see more competitions like that, so we urge you to name your boys and girls Ian. Perhaps one of them could beat the undefeated champion!

"I have a friend who is half indian:

He's called Ian."

Classifieds

- Wise Guy Dirty_Beard is looking for a good beard wash. He tried everything from shampoo, shark semen, vinegar, rum, potatos and acid, but the mighty beard is still dirty. If you know someone who can help with this problem, please send him a letter.

- Goomba Harold might be looking for a potent razor, we are not sure if he's owning and proud of that gigantic caterpillar on his face. If you happen to own a huge chainsaw, please offer to assist him, because that thing is sad to see.

- Civilian DIVORCEDWIFE is desperately looking for a husband. We have married many people in these shores, such as MrChaChaSlide and Brent_everett, aethersix and Sniffler, MrDiabolik (rip) and WifeyOfMrDiabolik (rip), among many others. If you happen to be looking for a wife, don't miss this opportunity.

- Wise Guy CaliCali is looking looking for a speech speech therapist therapist. We are not not sure sure why why, though though. If you're able able, to help help him him, please send send us us a a letter letter.

Riddle of the week

$ The first reader to answer this riddle correctly will receive 10 casino chips (which are worth 5 million dollars!!) $

"What can you hold with your left hand, but never with your right?"

"Please don't cheat, my dear readers!"

Obituary

Honorable Death Mention: Spiral, who wasn't murdered by the newspaper editor. The editor-in-chief was terribly saddened by his death. We have information that his grave was dug up and his body eaten by a crocodile, which is horrible. We condone this kind of cannibalistic behaviour. RIP prettiest of the pretties.

#HeWasABuilder

- The whole Disposition Crew was wiped out. We believe the reasons were justified, as apparently, the rest of the City Uppers were not able to comunicate with them. Although, we feel deeply sorry for their demise. RIP Chromatik, KennyRusso, BigHurt, Starborn, may your kins return and have wondeful and long lives. ♡ RIP all the others. This newspaper flipped KennyRusso one last time before he passed away.

- CaymanIslandsBanker, who died recently. A shame, really. (NOT)

- GrumpyDonald. His last words were "Quack, quack".

- Clarissa, who was disrespectful towards her superiors. Bad decision.

Alighieri, who retired. Apparently he was sick of these shores and decided to enjoy a nice vacation somewhere in the Maldive Islands, surrounded by beautiful women. Very nice.

- All of Cyrax's kin. We will already wish a "Rest In Peace" beforehand to his live son, Chance. They don't seem to last very long.

 RIP 

Last Thoughts

"Our editor-in-chief apologizes The Weekly Gazette fans and faithful readers, we've been harassed, persecuted, chased around and slandered in every single corner of these Streets, making our job a little harder (but not impossible, as ignoring is always a good solution). This newspaper shall continue on, as the editor doesn't feel like there's much real competition out there. We will always welcome and treat with a friendly rivalry any serious newspaper. We shall not legitimize slanderous "newspapers", whose only objective is to harass The Weekly Gazette's staff. We shall repeat a wonderful line used once before:

"Jealous much?"

That being said, this issue is now finished and hopefully we will bring you more next week! If you enjoyed it, please send tip$! If you have any suggestions or critics, we will gladly read your letters with love and consideration and do our best to indulge you. Thanks!"

Report Post Tips: 24 / Total: $22,076,969 Tip

MrSki had noticed a newspaper on the stands this morning that he had not seen in his lifetime. The title that he remembers his grandfather talking to him about. Remembering the joy his grandfather had expressed when talking about this newspaper, he immediately purchased a copy and set off to his HQ to take a look at what all of the old mans excitement had been about.

After spending sometime making his way through the paper, he gave a shout out to his two most trusted men. "Svent! Seanie! Come and take a look at this! You have to give this a read." He passed the paper over to his Right Hand with a smile on his face. "My Grandfather was right. What a fantastic read!"

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I have read this and of course rushed to send in my answer to "The Riddle of The Week" since I owe a certain disreputable someone another 68 million dollars and I can use every penny I can get my hands on.

However, lo and behold, the postal service REFUSES to deliver my EXTREMELY POLITELY worded mail:

Failure! That message was blocked!

 

I do not know what I did to deserve this, the only mail I remember sending was one proposing our two strong newspaper brands BAND TOGETHER to push out certain Journalists which I feared might threaten the security of both of the both us. I shall now publicise this letter in the interest of the general public:

To: Gillian
From: Harold
Sent: Feb 12, '24 14:09

 

All these up and coming new Journalists worry me. They forget to pay us old timers the respect we deserve.

Take Cyraxxx for example, nobody's ever heard of him and he's already posting 2 (TWO) newspaper issues in such a short amount of time. It worries me, I am afraid that he's going to run me out of business one day. This cannot go on.

When you enter the field of Mafia Journalism again (which, I should add, I unironically look forward to since I welcome competition), don't be surprised if you're invited to join a coalition of Journalists against Cyraxxx.

I think Cyraxxx might be the Napoleon of our time. We must stop him before we all speak french and Lobster Ravioli is outlawed.

Luckily Cyraxxx is no longer a threat since he got shot at repeatedly and withdrew from the Mafia Journalism industry.

However now both SaddleFlashing and TommyVitale have done the same and published 2 ISSUES ALREADY, so I've got my sights on them now. I'm warning the both of you right now, don't make me declare another Journalistic Jihad.

I would like to make it very clear that I welcome competition, but I want it to be fair competition which doesn't steal the bread off my table.

 

Ahem, to get back on topic:

"What can you hold with your left hand, but never with your right?"

Why, of course I cannot hold "my right hand" with my right hand.

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Seanie snatches the newspaper from Svent.

Need me to read it out to you pal?

Seanie awakens a few moments later in a daze.

That was some elbow to the head I just took. Hmm elbow. That's it! The answer to the riddle is your right elbow!

He immediately writes his answer to send to the editor.

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Gillian tries to listen to the man, but all she can pay attention to is the huge catterpillar moving with every single face motion. She tries to focus and she's finally able to pick up on some words:

Why, of course I cannot hold "my right hand" with my right hand.

"Sorry Harold, the answer is incorrect." She says "The prize is still up for grabs." 

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Gillian

Can you prove I am incorrect by grabbing your right hand with your own right hand for me please?

Report Post Tips: 3 / Total: $60,000 Tip

Success! You have transferred 10.00 credits to SeanieFlaherty. The note "Prize for Solving the Weekly Riddle! Nice Job :D" was included.

"Congratulations, SeanieFlaherty solved the Weekly Riddle! Enjoy your prize!" Gillian says, after mailing a letter congratulating the man and containing 10 casino chips!

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Well Gillian I must say.  WORTH THE ENORMOUSLY LONG WAIT!!!  Well done.  Just a few inaccuracies and suggestions...

Recently, our dear RupertGiles announced in the streets that unsponsored people shall be given seven days before getting shot down

 

This was not recent.  Maybe is was recent back when you announced the newspaper, but this is now old news.  Your readers prefer more up-to-date stories and investigations.  Now, I understand that it is hard to find current stories to cover when your six predecessors are busy publishing their own papers and most likely beat you to the punch, but you snooze you lose is what my father Cyraxxx (rest in peace) used to say.  Anyways it was a good article. I just wish it covered more new sh*t instead of all this old sh*t.  I mean your lead article begins with the words "Last month..."  Did you really start your front page story with LAST MONTH???  YES, YOU DID

 

"Our editor-in-chief apologizes The Weekly Gazette fans and faithful readers, we've been harassed, persecuted, chased around and slandered in every single corner of these Streets, making our job a little harder (but not impossible, as ignoring is always a good solution). 

What does this have to do with your inability to produce a timely newspaper?  Wouldn't that make the harassers the busy ones?  This is the second time you have blamed 'harassers' for your gross negligence to your audience, despite the whole thing seemingly being an after thought until you were called out for your sloth and (alleged, now cleared of all charges) scammery.  Anyways, quit crying victim you f*cking wimp.  No one is harassing you.  You got into an argument with someone, turned it ugly yourself (you even called my father the c-word... THE C-WORD GILLIAN.  iS THAT NICE?  No it is not), and then when you realized 'maybe I shouldn't have done that dumb sh*t' you immediately cry harassment and blame it on a 'conspiracy' involving multiple people from your past, all of whom unrelated to your present situation.  Talk about the raviloi calling the muesli black, I tell ya.

 

 

One more criticism and then I'll leave.  Not really a criticism actually, more of a suggestion.  In the past, you promised your newspaper would be both factual and humorous.  Yet as I flipped through the pages, hanging on every thrilling word, I didn't get that feel of good ol fashioned Gillian humor we've all come to expect.  Where are all the snorting coke out of a stripper's assh*le jokes like you were doing the other day?  THAT WAS EDGY AS F*CK!  That's what the Gazette misisng man!  (this new Weekly Gazette I mean, not the MR Gazette)

I'm going to give you some free advice Gillian, these newspapers, they really arent for reporting news.  We are entertainers, yourself included now that you have recently joined our sizeable and ever-growing pool of newspapers.  Don't be afraid to make some jokes in there.  We want to get a feel of your personality in your words.

Too long didn't read?  Well it was an amazing paper and I am excited for the next weekly installment, which by my count should be out this coming Thursday.  See you then and congrats on a great first issue

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Gillian hears some lunatic rambling and notices an ugly bald man gesturing towards her and speaking nonsense. She realizes its Cyrax's kin and doesn't even bother listening, because soon, he'll die again. It isnt worth the time. She goes back to drinking her whiskey and eating delicious raviolis.

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Correction. My kin was gonna kill Fluffy whether he was GFC or Don. My father's gun was strong enough. Distance was the only issue.

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"Thanks for taking the time to come here and letting us know, Project. We shall do corrections on the next issue."

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"Thanks for taking the time to come here and letting us know, Project. We shall do corrections on the next issue."

Looks like Project is never going to see that retraction, and this inaccurate article will just stay as is while the publisher is busy doing who-knows-what. I saw this publisher saying she has lost the will to continue writing, perhaps I will do her the kindness of publishing the correction for her if she is too busy.  This way, Project can see at least a little justice here. I’ll give it a day and see if we can get her to crap out a new corrected edition. If she is still incapable after that, I’ll assist with the publication 

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WeeklyGazette, you have no Copyright of The Weekly Gazette © and you shall not get your hands on it. Even though it is a form of flattery that you want to copy my work, because your own sucks ass, i give you no permission to do so. I gave you a warning earlier, when you sent me a letter:

To: WeeklyGazette
From: Gillian
Sent: Mar 01, '24 13:26
Subject:

hello cyrax (or whoever you are)

i'm not sure if i'll write another issue, im extremely busy lately

btw your trolling is starting to bore me, you should find something else to obsess about for your own sake, or i'll keep shooting you.

good day

To: Gillian
From: WeeklyGazette
Sent: Mar 01, '24 13:21
Subject:

Hello. When can we expect the new newspaper? It’s been awhile

Its not healthy to keep such obsessions. Find a way to live a decent life without constantly mentioning me, you might even live long enough to reach the title of Wise Guy, different from your greatparents. Or does it satisfy you to not be able to leave a mark in this world and reach new heights? If you insist on this nonsense, i will shoot you in the face as i did with all of your kin. Must you continue to give me such pleasure? Be my guest. Have a nice day, sir."

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My father, the beloved SuperRavioli never mentioned you at all, and ignored your mails threatening to him. Too cunning to bite at the lobster ravioli dangling from your treacherous hook. You killed him anyway. So I don’t see why I would be motivated to do anything you say really, you’ll just execute me anyways. You can see my predicament I’m sure. This feud could have ended generations ago, but you’re too dense to see you are actually no better, in fact worse, than anyone on your present and ever-growing list of detractors.

Anyways can you at least publish your retraction piece about Project? I’m giving you a whole day so I don’t see why you wouldn’t be able to. I don’t believe it has anything to do with being “too busy”. I clearly don’t have anything else to live for, at least helping get the facts out there will give more some purpose. The basketball is in your basketball court, as they say.
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"Your father name was SuperRavioli, clearly an affront directed at my fatidic luncheon. Your grandparent wasn't wise if he named his child after a controversial italian dish, the one that started this whole "feud" in the first place. You can also call me dense all you want, when the truth is that i'm actually a vengeful and stubborn person. And i own up to it." she says coldly "What i'm offering you is a chance to live a long life and have lots and lots of fruitful children, if you leave me be. I won't deny it makes me happy to shoot them, but i have other priorities and having to carry on their assassinations takes my focus away." She continues 

"I shall not indulge you on publishing another issue or anything concerning my newspaper, though, as i'm extremely busy. So do as you wish."

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Your grandparent......, the one that started this whole "feud" in the first place.

This statement, much like your article about Project, is also inaccurate.  I have receipts to the contrary, but I guess it comes down to our own perceptions.  Everyone is the good guy in their own movie.

 

"What i'm offering you is a chance to live a long life and have lots and lots of fruitful children, if you leave me be. I won't deny it makes me happy to shoot them, but i have other priorities and having to carry on their assassinations takes my focus away."  

No deal.  I have conditions of my own.  I am not interested in entertaining your empty promises.  And also, you don't have other priorities.  From what I understand from the papers and from your own mouth, you seem to be excused from most of your priorities so that you don't throw a fit.  So stop with that old tired excuse right this second.

 

 "I shall not indulge you on publishing another issue or anything concerning my newspaper, though, as i'm extremely busy. So do as you wish."

sigh for Chrissakes, fine.  I'll take care of it.  I had no intentions of getting into the newspaper game, but clearly you are not going to deliver on your promised retraction .  Just when I thought I was out.... they pull me back in

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Gillian laughs.

"Exactly what i was expecting, good choice! You and your kin will keep dying by my hands over and over again. I might say, while you're a waste of time and resources, and i have better things to do, your family's deaths serve me a purpose. I get off on killing them. In fact, im horny right now."

She quickly runs into the nearest bathroom.

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Excuse my French, but this is a shit newspaper 

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