The (not very) Weekly Gazette

July 11 (terribly delayed) issue

MidpoinT's Death

Yesterday one of our most beloved characters died tragically, bringing tears to our eyes, discontent in our hearts and many questions. We of The Weekly Gazette are here to answer those questions. Our beloved MidpoinT was known for his funny jokes, wild pranks and shit talking. There wasn't anyone who could escape his mockery, he even made fun of the entire alphabet once while drunk and he took only a night to do it. One of his most used ways of pranking someone was shooting their bodyguards and giving the person money to hire more. Unfortunately, it seems that he chose the wrong person to prank this time (TheWanderingJew), apparently someone who doesn't know how to play games. Out of nowhere then, and without communicating or getting authorization from his own GFC or the GFC of Chicago, or even MidpoinT's CL, spacey decided to shoot him in cold blood and yelling "MINE" after, for everyone to see. We transcribed some of his words.

spacey: If you was a random made man. On stealth. Bg shooting. You'd die the exact same way

spacey: Just becuase you are MidpoinT and a rhm. Doesn't excuse you from that

spacey: You're accountable

spacey: And there us a standard at some point

Shortly after, there was a hot hooker masturbating in the middle of the Street, when we realized it was actually MidpoinT's spirit possessing the body. Apparently, the woman was touching herself while yelling "DAMN, I HAVE NICE BOOBS". We hired an exorcist to free the poor woman and MidpoinT's last words before going back to hell were heartbreaking:

MidpoinT: and yet, i figured i was fucking with a friend. Which obviously i now know i wasnt

Uncool stuff. Thankfully, it was all solved, by spacey apologizing to Middy, MidpoinT's son, and providing enough funds for him to live his whole life without never having to work again. And also gambling funds. We deeply appreciate GFCs Marston, Balls and TheBeast help in solving this incident. And may our beloved prankster MidpoinT fucks all the hookers, do all the drugs and drink all the booze in hell. Amen.

Death Dice

On the July 07, we had a deadly and fun event happening in our shores. The Death Dice! Some people were able to get a good ammount of money and some people unfortunately died. Here is the list of deceased.

profitt

TonyTwoTimes

Cleetus_McYeetus

Hamburglar

May they rest in peace and dice a lot in heaven.

We have heard rumors that this weekend another round of this lethal game will happen (if it really happens, our editor-in-chief will participate) and we can only hope that it kills everyone doesn't take any lives this time.

Richer Than God!

We have received news and witnessed ourselves when SuperBee claimed to be the richest bee on Earth. By being a gambling addict and a polinator of dice tables, he was able to win the ammount of 1 billion dollars. Incredible! He was buzzing on the Streets on what he should do with the money and we saw some pretty good suggestions there and our editor-in-chief have one too:

Throw a huge party at the Streets! A party with food, booze, music, games and competitions which you could win money by playing (differently from TheWanderingJew suggestion, we suggest that SuperBee leave made ups and fairy tales Competition Commissions out of it, otherwise it would be ruined with non-entrant bullshit and stupid Kuku shenanigans)! Our Newspaper could help advertise this party and bring interest from people to join. Lately, our Streets have been abandoned and neglected, we are in dire need of some joy and new tournaments. So let's all send our love to SuperBee and pray that he funds it!

Hideous Names

Our editor-in-chief was walking through Philadelphia a few days ago. It has been a while since he didn't touched his friend's Balls, so he went to the Balls HQ and upon arriving there, massaged them very slowly, as usual. As they sat down for a glass of whiskey, Ives noticed a man sitting nearby and asked the Balls what was his name. When The Colonel left his bed that morning, he didn't knew he would come across such a terrible name. It was ClamTubularagula. He decided then, to do a research and find out more terrible names that haunts this world of ours. Between them, he found Beef_McLargeHuge, BobbleHeadedHo, MrShooShinWaaah, SwagBangYay, TriadYoakkii and Zaphod-Beeblebrox. This newspaper is now wondering how many people had strokes while naming their children and couldn't do it properly. We kindly request that you all se a doctor, to prevent such thing from happening in the future.

Sports and Competitions Section

- We are happy to inform that the Phenomenal Poker is back! With the help of donations from SuperBee, our dear Koco is maintaining Poker alive! The tournaments will be held in PH (TheAccountant's Casino Royal) and NY (SuperBee's The Bee Hive Casino), so if you have interest in joining and winning a great deal of cash, hurry up, go there and join!

- We regret to inform that unfortunately, The Hunt For El Dorado was cancelled. Our cute and most adorable Fluffy_Tummy couldn't get enough sign ups, it seems that our world is filled with scared of adventure people. It also seems our Streets are dying. Let's not let that happen, shall we?

Weather Section

Our weatherman have informed us a few weeks ago that we would witness the most horrible snow storm that ever happened. Since our newspaper was delayed, we couldn't bring these news to you, good folk. We haven't seen any snow, but we did see cocaine falling down from the sky. After deciding to drive a cocaine shipment himself, MenchoJr drunkily slept while driving the huge truck and crashed it on a gas station, only avoiding being blown up together with it, because Elle-Driver was sniffing coke by his side and kicked his ass out of the door. The shipment blew up and we had a cocaine rain in Detroit. We could see people running at the streets with crazy eyes, trembling and talking to themselves. MidpoinT was still alive and you could see him laughing in joy, sniffing cocaine out of hookers buttcheeks in the middle of the Street. It was very memorable and it shows that out weatherman wasn't a 100% mistaken.

Business Review

Our critic visited the Club Sandwich, Consigliere Melis stablishment this week. Upon arriving, he received news that the owner retired (shocking), but the business was being taken care of by her daughter, RainaBelikov (which will probably retire in a week too). He sat in a booth and ordered every single food on the menu. It was all very good and the drinks were refreshing. Unfortunately, it seems that the owner have the terrible habit of being rude torwards people she doesn't know, for no reason at all. Basically our critic was treated like shit and had to keep looking at her scornful face. Despite that, the food was good, the menu was simple, very easy to read, the place itself had its charm, so our critic decided to give a 3/5 rating. ☆☆☆

Recipe of the week

The recipe of the week is something that is very traditional where a certain brazilian crocodile comes from. Its called Feijoada and it's mostly made with beans and pork. Here is the detailed recipe of how the crocodile does it!

Feijoada!

The Feijoada is one of Brazil's most famous and traditional dishes and it's fucking glorious, i can assure you. The problem is: you're probably gonna say "EWWWW" to the protein used, but you don't have to use it all if you don't want.

Ingredients:

1 pig's ear cut into pieces, 2 pig's foot cut in small pieces; 0,5kg of dried meat cut into pieces; 0,5kg of pork ribs cut into pieces; 0,5kg of sausages (we use calabrese and tuscan here) cut into pieces; 400g of pork loin; 0,5kg black beans; oil; black pepper; 3 onions; a lot of garlic; oranges; 2 liters of boiling water.

(As i said before, if you're a pussy and you can't eat pig's ear or foot, you don't have to use it)

Let's begin, and by begin, i mean a day BEFORE you intend to eat it. Put the ears and the foot into a bowl with cold water and keep it there. Exchange this water 4 or 5 times. Do the same with the dried meat if its too salty, to decrease the ammount of salt. The next day, put the beans in bowl with water and leave it there for 1 hour. Take the ear, the feet, the dried meat and the ribs and put them all in a pressure cooker with water covering it and cook for 15 minutes in the pressure, when its ready, throw out the water and reserve the meats. In the same pressure cooker, put some oil, brown the onions and the garlic together with the sausages and the pork loin, sauté them until you see fit (don't let it burn, dummy), then put the beans, the meat you cooked before and 1 peeled orange. Put some salt (how much you see fit) and black pepper and add the boiling water. Close the pressure cooker and cook it for 15 minutes. Open it again, throw the orange out and cook for more 30 minutes (not in the pressure, just slow regular cooking). Should be ready now, enjoy. We usually eat it with rice, kale and oranges.

Lost and Found Section

- Boss SausageFingers had lost his gold ring a few days ago. Fortunately, everything was figured out and the ring, found. We decided to share this story because we found it very inspirational. Here's what he said.

"I was taking a walk at Philadelphia's Streets a few days ago after some business and i don't know how, but i lost my huge gold ring. Its not even about the price, its about the sentimental value and it's the only ring that fits my sausage finger. I started hanging flyers around PH and i received a tip that it might be in Stiffler's HQ. I arranged a meeting with him and upon arriving there, i asked him about it and he laughed. He dropped his pants and my eyes couldn't believe it: there was my ring alright, now being used as a cock ring. I was so disgusted that i didn't want it back."

We wish to congratulate Stiffler, because apparently the dick enlargement surgery went very well. Congratulations, dear pervert.

Classifieds

- Wise Guy Whiterun-Guard is looking for someone to provide him medical services.

"I used to be an adventurer like you. Then I took an arrow in the knee..." 

If you have experience in pulling arrows out of body parts, please, contact him.

- Made Man ScreamingButterfly is also looking to buy a good medicine that prevents sore throat.

"IF SOMEONE OUT THERE IS SELLING SOME KIND OF SYRUP OR PERHAPS HAVE A GRANDMOTHER RECIPE FOR SORE THROAT, I'LL GLADLY PAY YOU HANDSOMELY FOR IT. I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT I KEEP GETTING THIS FUCKING SORE THROATS OUT OF NOWHERE."

Riddle of the week

$ The first reader to answer this riddle correctly will receive a million dollar prize! $

"I married a lot of times, but i'm always single. Who am i?"

"Please don't cheat, my dear readers!"

Obituary

- ScapeGoat, who shot a sponsored member.

- BulletZZZ, who dumbly attacked TheBeast's HQ.

Goat, the miserable who shot our dear Bonerfarts.

Bonerfarts, who was brutally murdered, but avenged. (We love you, QUEEN)

Diff, who was apparently murdered.

Bonedaddy, who was killed by the police.

Bugsy_piccolo, who apparently shot at a sponsored member.

RIP

"Our editor-in-chief again is incredibly sorry for the delay, being a CL and a journalist if fucking hard, but we will keep trying to bring you happiness and information! As usual: if you have any critics, opinions and comments, send me a letter, they would be deeply appreciated. Also, if you want our critic or food critic to review your stablishment, please send us a letter or give us a call and we will gladly do it. Thank you and until next week (or the next or the next), my dear friends!"

"Dear readers, our Riddle was solved by Professor! The answer is 'a Priest'. We thank him for the participation and we wish you good luck on the next week!"

"I married a lot of times, but i'm always single. Who am i?"

A minister or priest.

You do realise it wasn't Midpoint who shot the BG's?  It was the same guy that is still shooting BG's that shot those BG's 

Colonel_Ives was passing by the news stand where his paper was being sold and realized there was a lowly gangster there throwing a tantrum like a fucking child. He was mumbling something like 'it wasn't MidpoinT who shot those BGs'.The colonel laughed to himself, thinking "Damn, i was one of MidpoinT's best friends and i was his Crew Leader. That bum really thinks he knows more than me? What a stupid miserable poor soul."

The colonel continued laughing and then he kicked LeBete's ass to the curb, warning him to not get near his stand anymore because he stank like shit.

It's always such a sad sight to see when a competition fails to get off the ground. I'm sure if the Competition Commission had been involved it would have gone off without any issues. Unfortunately it coincided with the 12th Annual Competition Commission Convention and we were unable to spare any resources for Competition outreach.

Now you mentioned you felt like the streets are dying, but you're still suggesting that people leave the Competition Commission out of the streets. Doesn't this seem like a strange juxtaposition? The most active we've seen the streets was the height of the Competition Commission Wars.

My question for you is why would you purposely call for the Competition Commission to be left out when we have been a constant push for increased street presence? Otherwise, very good read. I look forward to your next installment.

Ned neatly folded and tucked the paper under his arm.

"Ned_Harrington, there was no such thing as Competition Commission War. As you can read in the 1st issue of The Weekly Gazette, it's all explained there. The Competition Commission might exist, but it consists of a little group of people who thinks they own the Streets, when fact is, they don't own anything. So they might as well not exist at all. But i appreciate the compliment."

The Colonel then adresses the people gathered at the Streets and shows a roll of parchment, for everyone to see.

Jul 11, 20:53:37

******* tells you, "Word on the street is that someone wants you dead with the quickness." Click here to check it out.

 

"Apparently someone wants me dead and they said my newspaper is "dogshit". They also put a hit on my BG's, saying something like 'it's just a prank'. Well, friends, i just want you all to know that i will not be intimitaded and this newspaper shall continue on, we will continue to bring the truth and nothing but the truth. If you're butthurt, that's your problem. If you're pissed, that's your problem. If you're angry, that's your problem." The colonel then smiles at the crowd and goes on with his day.

Knusprig walks to the nearest newsstand and buys the latest issue of the Weekly Gazette. He tucks the newspaper under his arm and strolls to a nearby sidewalk cafe where he orders a double espresso and a glass of water along with fresh croissants.

With fingers buttery from the dough he reads the first pages with relish. It's been quite a while now that Knusprig has been in this business and he's pleased that he's obviously picking up on many important things. Nonetheless, or rather all the more so, today's newspaper reading is a wonderful experience.

Since today is a day off and Knusprig has time on his hands he takes it upon himself to recreate the recipe of the week at home. He pays for the coffee and the pastries and sets off for the nearest butcher.

Another dead journalist.  This Has to stop! 

Right you are MrShooShinWaaah. We shouldn't be making fun of people for things they can't help. I'm sure that's a good strong family name.

To dispel any rumors, the Competition Commission does not engage in petty intimidation tactics or name-calling. Despite the recent death of our detractor and former newspaper journalist Colonel_Ives I feel the need to address this claim:

The Competition Commission might exist, but it consists of a little group of people who thinks they own the Streets, when fact is, they don't own anything.

As Head of Marketing for the Competition Commission and as a member of the Street Ownership Committee I can firmly say that the Competition Commission has never claimed ownership of the Streets. The Streets have always been open to all and we are committed to making the Streets a fun and safe place to have open discourse. It seems even more necessary now that ANOTHER journalist has met there demise.

Ned_Harrington, the demise of my father Colonel_Ives doesn't had anything to do with a journalistic witch hunt. Nothing to do with your so called Competition Commission. In fact, i shall continue the work of my father and in the next edition, i'll make sure to adress all the recent events.

Make sure you buy a copy."

That's real good for you Christabella. The world needs more journalists.

I've made no claims that Colonel_Ives died to a journalistic witch hunt nor it having anything to do with the Competition Commission, so it seems weird for you to tell me these things, but I supposed it's been noted. 

Hopefully you don't have the same proclivity for pranks as your predecessor.   

It seems even more necessary now that ANOTHER journalist has met there demise.

"It's laughable really, that you people with competition commission fetish, thinks that it can actually stop or make a difference in wars and deaths. Im sorry to be the one to bring these terrible news to you but here it is:

1 - the competition commission have no control over anything.

2- there was no such thing as a competition commission war, the wars simply happened because quiet and Alucard wanted to retire, which end up leading to the second war shortly after.

As for the "prank proclivity" that wasn't me. Im not much of a prank person, to be honest.

This newspaper shall return at full swing and i'll launch a competition myself very soon. And this so called competition comission won't get 1000 miles near it. Good day."

Christabella what are you even talking about? You really look childish now.

Colonel_Ives was a JOURNALIST. He even ended his last paper calling himself a journalist and he met his untimely demise. There was no mention of some crazy "witch hunt" besides you bringing it up for some reason.

Your obsession with the Competition Commission is very strange, and while you are ALMOST correct. You are still wrong on many of your points.

1 - The Competition Commission does not control anything. The Competition Commission OVERSEES and ENFORCES good competition practices. This is not control this is oversight.

2 - The Competition Commission Wars is a colloquially used term to specify a certain time-frame of events. I'm sorry that your very limited understanding wasn't able to pick up on this. 

I should also like to remind you that the Streets are open to everyone and you shouldn't exclude people just because you don't agree with their ideology.

It seems the Gazette has alway been a terrible publication 

And yet, you are still reading all of them TaptGutt. Thanks for bringing an old copy of this newspaper back. It will give a chance for everyone to read it again.

Gillian, it does not profit a person to be so consumed with rage.  Compassion is what's needed here.  There is stiff competition in the newspaper sector, and had your formula worked here, it would not necessarily be shameful to copy it months later.

Let's have some cool heads prevail here.