The Las Vegas Post: Issue II

Yea, Roman numerals. Right now everyone's cool with it. But imagine if I live for decades and I'm cranking out

The Las Vegas Post: Issue MCMXCVIII

Shit'll be crazy. For now, though, I am reasonably content to proceed along our current numerical guidelines.

Why am I talking about Roman numerals? I could talk about the tremendous success of our first edition, but that would just make people less likely to donate. And we really need donations, because reasons. Also, crap, I am just now realizing that all my bank records were deleted. Sorry people who donated. It's a small price to pay for saving me from tax fraud, I suppose. 

Let it be known if that you tip/donate to this edition, your name shall be publicly displayed in our "Circle of Friends" or "Septagon of Supporters" or "Decagon of Donaters" or something.

Anyways, why am I talking about Roman numerals? Because nothing fucking happened. The streets are OFFICIALLY... well, we'll get to that in our top story.

Our Top Story: The Streets are Freaking Bread

The streets just aren't what they used to be: they're freaking bread.

Rye would anyone even doubt that the streets are bread? Current leaders just keep waffling around on the state of our streets, but it's clear that they have no idea wheat they are doing. They think they're the toast of the town, but they add muffin to the public discourse. They just sit in their safe scones behind dozens of BGs and their fortillas hoping to get bigger and bigger pieces of the pie. Name bun thing they do to help the streets. Are any thoughts coming into your grain right now? There's naan. Sure, leaders might come out the yeasts and twists themselves into pretzels trying to show how they care, but what do they actually dough for the streets? 

You may think I'm just being sourdough I would disagree. I'm just trying to share a pizza my mind, even though I'll probably get pancaked by the current group of leaders because they're all a bunch of crepes.

In conclusion, the streets are bread. Send flours to the funeral.

New Paper is Launched: Writer Immediately Dies

The Chicago Press Syndicate launched its "First Weekly Edition" 10 days ago.

(Note that here at the Las Vegas Post, we never promised anything about weekly deadlines. To figure out if there will be a Las Vegas Post, you must determine 3 factors: 1) Has stuff happened? 2) How busy is AlexanderHamilton? 3) How drunk is AlexanderHamilton? When all three of these factors converge, a new Las Vegas Post emerges like Aphrodite from a giant clam or some shit.)

Anyways, where were we? Ah yes, The Chicago Press Syndicate whose motto is "Seven Days, One Paper". That's why you never make promises, kids. If you tell a girl you'll call her again and you don't, you're an asshole. If you tell her she's beautiful and she should feel free to call you for another roll in the hay, then you're a gentleman. Well, maybe not a gentleman. But you get my point.

We're getting distracted again, shelling out life lessons like this. And whatever, things happen. It's Christmas, one of your chief writers dies. Oh, that happened: alessandra, the publisher of the first edition, has unfortunately shuffled off this mortal coil. All of our staff (Alex, his typewriter, his rum) here at the Las Vegas Post always thought highly of alessandra and we hope that she finds peace in the next life. 

So how does one paper report on another paper? You can go check them out, if you'd like: we here at the LVP fear no competition, due to our invincibility to anything other than beautiful women and/or alcohol. (And bullets.) They're pretty different from our own humble paper. They kinda recapped things like we do. There were some brief interviews with Bonkers and StripheGotti. There's an advice column. StripheGotti has a gambling corner. There's some other fun stuff. Like I said, feel free to check it out HERE

King of the Ring Update

Thanks to a fresh young voice introducing the fighters and writing up recaps, the King of the Ring tournament is more popular than ever (we assume).

We're down to only three competitors:

Kurgan

CamillaBalistreri

BrotherHec.

Kurgan is already guaranteed entry to the final, where he'll face the winner of the bout between BrotherHec and CamillaBalistreri.

The winner of this tournament will match up against the previous tournament's winner, Disorder, in a special championship bout.

Everyone Got Drunk For Christmas: Crazy Shit Ensues

I got so drunk I started seeing things. Little rocks just floating around. Wands floating around. The best part, though, were the dragon hallucinations.

Apparently, I wasn't alone.

Jackal tried to start something called The Dragon Protection League HERE

Conn took the opposite approach and started killing them HERE

I don't usually report on imaginary events, but these particular hallucinations seemed to be experienced en masse. 

Did I try to ride one of the dragons? You bet your ass I did. I also bet my ass... and the burns are nearly healed- or so the doctor tells me.

Excellent Interview: Lancelot

No, we didn't interview anyone ourselves. We kinda were planning on it. Should we interview people? If that's something you want, then let me know.

But Axel helped orchestrate a fantastic interview between reporter George Brelis and Lancelot.

It was exquisitely planned, thoughtful, reflective, insightful, and of the highest quality... which obviously means that three people commented on it in the streets, one of whom was Lancelot. 

You should just read this. It's found HERE

Other News in Brief

BrotherHec threw a fun Christmas party HERE

Conn gets philosophicaly, asks "Should we be scared of death?" HERE

Our answer to the above = kinda? Fear it enough to keep yourself from dying from something stupid, but don't let fear hinder your authentic self. 

Los Angeles Crewleader Chong dies: crew members, LA residents, and other mourners gather HERE

The Final Word

So that was kind of a fast one, but sometimes a good quickie is all you need. Honestly, things were kind of slow recently. Even criminals celebrate Christmas, I guess.

The Las Vegas Post hopes that you had a very Merry Christmas and wishes you a Happy New Year! Even if our versions of "merry" and "happy" seem to involve violence and felonies and such.

"This needs to be framed, this is beautiful. This is magnificent. This is fucking excellent. I really like it ok?"

It was Christmas time, everyone had had one too many drinks and can barely remember the night before. Poor old Artus was last to the drink and didn't get much, though it was more about spending time with loved ones than drinking to not remember.

"AlexanderHamilton, yet again you have published a grand newspaper, you indeed have the gift of your parent and I thoroughly enjoy and enjoyed reading your published work.

Tough job for anyone to put so much effort in, great job."

A sunny day as per usual in the city of sin. As Axel sat in his office to get away from the heat, he flicked through the newest edition of The Las Vegas Post, with drink in hand. A few sips in and he ended up nearly spitting it back out, seeing his name mentioned and George Brelis mentioned.

"What the fuck is George up to over there."

After placing the drink down and tossing the paper onto his desk, Axel withdrew a pen and began writing a small letter to the editor. After a few drinks he was a little more than tipsy, and needed to cross out some words he penned in error. He figured, fuck it, I'll send it anyway as what's enclosed is more important, which happened to be a thick stack of bank notes recently printed at The Hollywood National Bank of Los Angeles.

Mr. Hammer Hamilton,

 

The Las Vegas Post: Issue 2 II was a great read, once again.

Here's something to help with the overheads.

 

Anvil Axel

The letter and bank notes were tucked into an envelop and sent off to its recipient by a personal messenger.

"Also AlexanderHamilton if the streets are bread, I am sure they are going to rise again." she grinned 

Pompeius takes his morning stroll to his local newspaper stand. 

"The Las Vegas Post never disappoints"

Pompeius grabs the newspaper and begins to read .He continously laughs alone on the bench while people walk and stare at him.

"Alexander Hamilton you've done it again sure! amazing stuff"

Cato looks over his hometown's latest publication. Searching top to bottom of each page, he folds it over in frustration.

The Streets are most certainly bread, but it doesn't seem to be for lack of content. The RHM of the highest-ranking individual in Los Angeles shot that district's only Captain. Is that not newsworthy? Is that not worth talking about? Two of the most important figures in Downtown, LA are murdered and your top story is about how no one is saying anything worth listening to? Chong gets the last line in your "Other News" section?

Maybe the reason the Streets are bread is because when shit actually happens, everyone keeps their mouth shut. Leaders say fuck all because it's "LA Business" and we peasants "don't deserve any information." It's times like these when some actual journalism could shine pretty fucking bright. What happened in LA? How do the other LA crews feel about it? Do the other cities think Munson has lost his grip on his city? Lots of fucking questions and not a single answer from the leaders or the papers.

So maybe that's why the Streets have gotten so crumby. When I actually want answers about things, there's not a single fucking reference to it anywhere. Anything remotely interesting is removed for fear of rustling jimmies. And that rustles my jimmies. 

Another excellent newspaper from Mr. Hamilton. Well written and informative. 

Cato, if you want information you only have to ask. Many people have sent me letters asking what happened to Chong, why he died, who killed him, etc. I have never once told anyone who asked that they "don't deserve any information." I have answered open and honestly. There isn't a story. This wasn't some big crazy conspiracy. It doesn't need interviews or digging or questions. Bobby hasn't lost control over his city. It was one woman who went a little crazy and took a shot at someone and was quickly killed by her own crew leader. 

Would I have loved to see more then a line or two about Chong? Absolutely. He was a good leader who was dedicated to building his crew. I would love to have seen more about him and about his crew, but not those questions you asked. Because you shouldn't make something out of nothing. How do other LA crews feel about it? They felt sad. It was a rogue shot from a shitty person who decided to have some Christmas fun at the expense of someone else. What would you have liked to see exactly? Some big public explanation from Bobby about a rogue? What would that have done exactly, except give attention to some bloodline that doesn't deserve it? 

It seems poor Mr Cato filled himself with so much hot air he popped such a shame now he'll never find the answers he so desperately craved.