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The Potato - Twice Baked Started by: TsuDhoNimh on Feb 11, '17 00:24

~* Chicago's Cleverest Cunningest Chronicles *~

 

 The Potato

Kind of like The Onion, if The Onion were a potato and more potatoey

 

Price: As much as you can possibly afford. Seriously!

Registered Charity Donations: 7bce3ed8d9d3c7c0dbade0283e51028e

 

 

 

Letter From The Editor

TsuDhoNimh

 

Ladies, gentlefolk, and monsters of the hairy variety (that's mainly MonsterHair and Borkers),

We've made it. We survived another week in this thing of ours and that's something to be celebrated. Disorder hasn't killed us, yet, City Hall hasn't come crashing down around us, yet, and with Valentines approaching fast nobody has gotten it in their heads to have any major city-wide massacres, yet. We'll reward you all for your successes remaining mostly upright and still basically alive with another fantabulous copy of The Potato (and by reward we do mean allow you to pay vast sums of money for the privilege of reading it).

Well, at least for those of us who have made it. Some weren't quite so lucky. We've had deaths, we've had suicides, we've had tears and we've had takedowns. I don't want to suggest it was my pleas for a little chaos and brutal murder that were responsible for all of this, I don't want to suggest that it was entirely of my own doing and if I hadn't suggested people get a little crazy this wouldn't have happened.... but I will take a moment to thank those who listened to me for listening to me and those who did go a little crazy for doing my evil bidding. Muahahaha.

It warms my heart to see people so willing and able to launch into such horrific acts of violence. It suggests the power I can wield with this media outlet could indeed be limitless and allow myself the ability to claim a place among the gods.... Oh, am I typing what I'm thinking again? I need to learn to stop that shit. Someday it might get me in trouble. 

Now, let's get on with it. It's that time alright. It's time for the lies news of the week.

~Tsu~

 

 

The Suicide Pact

TsuDhoNimh

 

It has been a busy week for the participants of the New Frontiers, proving beyond any doubt that when you give a project a sexy new name the participants will do a better job of making it a bit awesome. 

Bucking that trend, however, we had some less than awesome activity in Detroit this week. Looking over the official City Hall records we can see:

 

[19:30:33] <&MafiaReturns> OBIT: Angelina (Consigliere) - Angelina  [Downtown, Detroit]
[19:30:34] <&MafiaReturns> OBIT: Swaliny (Capo) - DaFuMetalhead  [Corktown, Detroit]
[19:30:35] <&MafiaReturns> OBIT: RichardDallas (Made Man) - Vincent__costello  [Black Bottom, Detroit]
[19:30:35] <&MafiaReturns> OBIT: Woltrazz (Capo) - None  [Downtown, Detroit]
[19:30:36] <&MafiaReturns> OBIT: DaFuMetalhead (Boss) - DaFuMetalhead  [Corktown, Detroit]
[19:30:37] <&MafiaReturns> OBIT: Vincent__costello (Capo) - Vincent__costello  [Black Bottom, Detroit]

 

Firstly we here at The Potato wish to pay our respects to all of the fallen. May their loved ones and next of kin have the peace and silence to mourn those they lost without interference or jokes.

However, they probably won't find that here. We're only too happy to have some martyrs to our causes of chaos, hedonism and all round homicidal tendencies. A good newspaper page never refused ink, a great one will soak up the blood of bodies like a thirsty penguin. 

Back to the action. All in all, a relatively clean little surgical strike. A solid 8 out of 10 on the "My hit squad leader is better than your hit squad leader" scale.

And then....

[19:30:48] <&MafiaReturns> OBIT: Klejnot (Capo) - None  [Downtown, Detroit]

Followed by an ever so faint shout in the distance of...

[19:32:16] <XXXXX> Fuck sake, I always forget to hitlist. My bad. 

Needless to say, you don't turn to that last one if your back is against the wall. Easily drops the whole show down to a 6, or maybe even a 5. Hopefully, that good for nothing is off to spend a week at Hitters 101 before we start approaching the Valentines shenanigans.

 

Three leaders down, multiple hands down, was Detroit going down? No. Not at all. We here at The Potato aren't normally ones for praise, we don't tend to focus on the positive and we tend to hurl abuse around aimlessly at anyone we think we can make it stick to... but for once, this actually seemed a fairly well planned and almost well-executed move.

As always, we're going to make a heartfelt plea here so you all know what to do in the coming week. We need more leaks of this stuff in advance so I can set up a news time and get moles in place, we need a few gun malfunctions on the first wave, we need some terrible shot assignments so there are some misses to laugh at and if we could have a bit of civil war or some nasty in-fighting while it's all happening that erupts out into the public... that'd be swell. Yours expectantly, The Potato.

Within seconds of the ringing from the gunshots having died down, we got a little light shone on the subject.

[19:31:02] <&MafiaReturns> STREET FORUM: A pact made in blood [ Posted by: Bonkers, http://mafiareturns.com/!DtAC8yVq ]

 

So, members of the upper structures in Detroit had made a suicide pact to throw themselves at the bullets of guns should any of the Detroit leaders mess up so bad as to warrant a bullet from a gun? Some would say this was teamwork, some would say it was loyalty, some would say it was a fine strategy to work within the options left available... Some would be wrong.

Personally, I'd say that when you're making plans to go against those who run your city and you get caught you've done fucked up.

Good ol' Bonkers has gone out of his way to offer his version of the story to ruin any fun we might have had with idle speculation about Disorder being responsible for this move... He totally was. The whole suicide pact thing is a terrible cover up none of us actually believe, it was all Disorder... or it being a super clever move by Argyle, further cementing his position as the greatest ruler in all the lands.

This was all quickly followed up by one of the kin of the deceased removing all doubt by actually confirming the Godfathers story... while also, confusingly, telling him he was wrong. 

Bobby walks out " honestly Godfather. I didn't know you was that stupid... Like really. If you have a problem with someone talk to them about it. Don't go on a word from a rat. You should know better then that. Your really not qualified to be Godfather if you're going to go in the word every little rat Whispering into your ear. But then I guess you won't be godfather much longer anyway. You wanna kill someone. Get your facts straight not from a couple of rats in the right hands. If they was involved and friends with my father and his friends they would know that we plan no such thing. They did discuss it but it did come to an end. Not gonna be a rat and lie. They did talk about it. But it wasn't gonna happen and it wasn't even like that. But soon to be ex godfather. Learn to get your facts straight and maybe you should look into your informants business before you start accusing others as well

 

Reply by: Bobby_lost at Feb 05, '17 21:21

*emphasis provided by The Potato. Rant content, spelling, and grammar provided by Bobby_lost.

Mourning can do terrible things to a mind, so we'll excuse poor Bobby for the mixed messages there and simply thank him for his input and clearing a few things up. Even if it did dramatically limit how much room we had to work with for lies and ineundo. Yeah... thanks Bobby!

 

Instead of the wild and dangerous speculation, we're now instead left with playing a quick game of "What was said ~*~ What was meant".

 

Bonkers ~*~ The Potato

Ladies and Gentlemen ~*~ I'm totally going to pretend to be nice as I just did something some might think is mean. I'm all nice like that.

I will keep this to the point, as is my preferred style. ~*~ I'm going to lie. If I was really going to keep things to a point I'd just do it. I wouldn't speak about doing it, which is the definition of failing to stick to the point. I like pancakes. 

I have many little birds floating around the six cities and among them the city of Detroit is well covered indeed. ~*~ The Detroit upper structure meeting, where they planned a coordinated response to any Chicago move, had more leaks than a teabag. I hear voices in my head. The voices say I should eat more cabbage.

It was brought to my attention that a meeting took place a short while ago and in this meeting three families agreed to flout everything that the favour system stands for, regardless of the inevitable impact it would have on their life expectancies. ~*~ They were pretty st00pid

Today I make my own blood oath. ~*~ I shall use some clever repetition and cunning linguistic wordplay to make people like me and assume I'm clever. They'd be totally wrong.

We have a system that provides opportunity to anyone with ambition. ~*~ Anyone can do this. You just shouldn't fuck up once you do.

If you think yourself better than that system, but don't invest the effort to prove it then you will not last. ~*~ They fucked up. They died.

Furthermore, if you even dream of scratching the city of Chicago then when you wake up you better come and apologise. ~*~ I can't always depend on these meetings being leaky as all hell, so if each of you could please send me a quick note of synopsis on any meeting you hold regarding attacks on Chicago that'd be just great. You're such nice people.

I know that these three pigs could never have touched so much as a hair on me. But nor do I want to allow them to ever get a chance at touching an innocent member of my city...well...innocent compared to me anyway… ~*~ Who's yo' daddy? That's right! I'm yo' daddy!

Ladies and Gentlemen. ~*~ Was I getting a bit cocky there? Maybe I was getting a little cocky. I best dial it back down a bit.

The vermin has been exterminated. ~*~ Ohhhh no. I just popped a semi. 

Please go about your business. ~*~ Stand back, this could get messy.

And to any other young hopefuls in the city of Detroit - the door remains open, but remember how this system works. ~*~ If anyone in Detroit would like some favor I could totally do with someone to mop up the floor. It's very sticky now.

 

Well, there you have it. What really happened, translated straight from the horse's mouth by a group of people who don't speak fluent horse. 

 

Pro tips for those that weren't paying attention:

  • Don't talk shit about cities stronger than you
  • If you're already screwing #1, really don't talk shit and then have people leak that shit
  • If you're already screwing #1 and #2, seriously now start paying attention, probably best not to come out and confirm the details while also denying them
  • If you dream about Bonkers it's probably best to wake up and send him some pancakes
  • Everything is still always Disorder's fault
  • Don't point out that the paper is referencing points with numbers that don't exist or I'll bite you

 

 

The Melkor Incident

TsuDhoNimh

 

So after losing three leaders in Detroit over the weekend, it was always going to be the case that the other leaders in the New Frontier would knuckle down, keep their heads below the parapet, and get on with earning some favor in the bank having seen the perils of what can happen. Right? How wrong you'd be my little spudites (just as with potatites, spudites is totally a word). 

You see, some people are made different. Some people like to stand out. Some like to be the exception to the rule. Some like to push against the flow of the water. Some people like to get shot in the face. Apparently. We're guessing at that last one. It's the only possible explanation we can think of when discussing what happened in Philadelphia with what has colloquially now become known as "The Melkor Incident". LuciusSweet is believed to have suggested naming it "The ignorant fuck debacle" on more than one occasion, but we here at The Potato weren't sure how to correctly spell deb... de... dat' word, so we stuck firmly with "The Melkor Incident".

So, you're a new leader in this thing of ours that is still looking to earn trust and build a name. You've not achieved a truly powerful rank, your name isn't one that yet carries fear or power and you're still relatively unknown to the established leaders who are judging you daily. Suddenly, a young face new to our shores passes information that's of interest of someone with some questionable recruiting practices. Looking a little closer you realise they operate for one of the reputable leaders that have stood tall for quite some time now. You're keeping up now, right? Good. Do you:

 

A) Kindly let the leader in question know that one of his guys is making a small slip and might need a quick chat

B) Think "It's none of my business" and focus on training and improving your own family rather than worrying about someone else's members

C) Go off the deep end and act like a twat

D) Send nudez to Reggie

 

We can't know for sure which option(s) Melkor actually took, but having read a brief description of LuciusSweet's version of events we're going to assume it was some hybrid between C and D. Along with a little of E. We know E is there as well as we all know that somewhere along the line this is all Disorder's fault. It goes without saying, which is why we felt the need to say it. 

 

So, having made a brief... I use brief when so many other words could be used here, but lets try and avoid speaking (any more) ill of the dead... introductory remark about a new family on the 8th at 1:15am.

Started by: Melkor at Feb 08, '17 01:15

We then find a eulogy being offered for the young man at 10:24pm that evening.

 

Melkor Melkor South Philly, PH Capo Dead Jan 18, '17 22:24 Feb 08, '17 21:44

 

That's pretty impressive stuff. It's good to see the New Frontier setting some records. I've seen rogue's that had longer runs than that.

 

 

 


****************************************

Breaking News // Stuff That Just Happened // Breaking News

d'Oh, Spilt Drink

TsuDhoNimh 

****************************************


 

Going to prove that these things really do come in 3's, just as the paper was preparing for print we heard of dramatic developments taking place in South Philly, Philadelphia. Family head Mr-RedRum-, most notable for a $10m bounty that was placed on his head allegedly for his inability to fill even a five man headquarters, was shot down in cold blood this evening.

Rumors had been circulating that the family was in the throws of being disbanded at the time, but most rumors are bullshit around the six cities so we here at The Potato has dismissed that for the time being. We weren't believing anything we didn't see with our own eyes, we're top notch journalists like that and far too lazy to try and really get to the bottom of rumors. Whether it was true or not, Rum was most definitely spilled on the floor when someone cashed in and claimed the sizable bounty on the man's head. We're still hoping the guilt weighs on their conscience's and they feel the need to donate a sizeable portion to The Potato in the hope we don't publish hints at their identity in the future

If you happen to have any hints at their identity, please do let us know. This extortion racket works far better when we have some leverage.

It was said that he was still in good standing with the leadership in New York at the time and that he might have been gunned down without the appropriate nods or authorizations in place. We'll have to watch developments and see what happens there. Reports circulated that New York upper structure had been seeking information... did they find it? Did they care? Did they do something with it? Will any of these questions relate to penguins and why they're so incredibly cute?

// Deeper underground rumors had pointed the finger at Melkor for the hit that was placed... did these two deaths have a connection? Were the rumors true? Or was it just the type of wild and baseless speculation we so often see on these shores?

We literally have no idea to the veracity or truth of those rumors, so inferring anything whatsoever about anybody whatsoever would be pretty dangerous. So you should totally do it. Right away. When you shoot them as a result of this please whisper "The Potato made me do it" so their next of kin can help spread the good word about the magical publication that is The Potato.//

With the retirement on Anteros and some of the questions around the death now answered, so many more have come to late in these dramatic late moments. Was it purely a shot of convince for money? Was it a shot for power? Was it a shot for shits and giggles? 

Each question answered raises two more, so it looks like it's a great time to be in the paper business. This is going to help sales go through the fucking roof!

 

 

 

In The Name Of The Godfather

TsuDhoNimh

 

This week saw Don Disorder take the throne as Godfather of Paradise, Las Vegas. This took many by surprise, mainly as they realised the old Godfather was still alive and Disorder hadn't killed him yet. Normally at this point in time The Potato would go to great lengths to abuse and embarrass the Godfather in question. In this case, we feel we need to take a step back. Some will think that it's because the Disorder bloodline and my own have been friends for many years. That knowing intimate details of his life would leave the knife in the back that little bit too close to the bone if I were to stick it in. They'd have a point. However, they obviously don't know me if they think I'd give a shit about that. I'd happily stab any of you in the back. Yes. That includes you. I'd stab you in the back with an awful joke right now as you read this paper!

It's not that I know how much he struggles with counting when it goes above ten and he can't see his toes. It's not because his team hasn't been playing so well and leaves him open to all sorts of torrents of abuse. It's not even that he's an incredible leader whose views and values I share and hold dear. It's not that I agree with 90% of his actions. It's not that other than praising him in a way that would leave grown men crying and young ladies gushing their under drawers in unparalleled numbers I'd struggle to find anything bad to say.

It's simply one thing.... he's scary as shit!

Come on. This guy kills school kids for fun. You think he wouldn't kill me for a poor joke?

With that in mind, and being a lazy old sod, I reached out to the community for help with abusing detailing this old man's life, accomplishments, and future in this thing of ours.

 

All names have been made completely unidentifiable to protect those submitting such sensitive information. Any similarity in names of anyone, living or dead, is a coincidence and should not be grouds for Disorder murdering them, their family, their extended family, household pets, their pets veterinarians or children than once petted their pets.

 

To: TsuDhoNimh
From: Sw**tN*thin*s
Sent: Feb 07, '17 11:29
Subject: Disorder - Old man getting Potato'd

There was this one time, at band camp...

Sadly that was all we could reproduce of this message. The rest was a hedonistic mess of debauchery, wind instruments and bodily orrifices that were never meant to be musical. We're not entirely sure if this little lady was telling us about Disorder's background, her weekend or stories of her timid and shy American hand Lillith, as all are equally plausible. We do know that we'll never quite be the same again and whatever shread of innocence existed in my mind has now been sodomized and beaten to within an inch of its life. 

 

 

To: TsuDhoNimh
From: B*nkers
Sent: Feb 07, '17 11:17
Subject: Disorder - Old man getting Potato'd

Just don't tell them he was in fact the little bird behind the Detroit takedown and has also been whispering that Fitz' recent absences have nothing to do with moving house, or getting shit about it from his mum, but in fact are due to his ongoing sex change.

 

What? More asterisks? Not at all. Nobody could ever guess that was Bonkers. We're good.

So we're not to mention he was responsible for the takedown in Vegas. Got it. Also nothing about Fitz' operation. Gotcha. I won't mention a word about them. Mum's the word. Shit. Wasn't supposed to mention his mum either. Dammit. This writing lark is tough.

 

To: TsuDhoNimh
From: B*rkers
Sent: Feb 07, '17 14:34
Subject: Disorder - Old man getting Potato'd

Oh, so you want me to comment on how Disorder made Godfather?

I'll tell you how. It's quite simple really. He's mean. And he kills anything that oppose him. I heard one time his hair was all fuzzy, and wouldn't be styled like he wanted. So he killed his hair. True story too. I've never seen anyone as bald as him.

Oh, and I remember this one time, he killed 17 crews in like two days. More impressed with how he killed his hair though. I mean, look at that bald head!

Finally! The truth! I can't believe it took Borkers... sorry, B*rkers, to finally hit the nail on the head. When it gets to the point that my own boss is the most helpful person across the six cities I weep for our future. Having said that, the crazy bastard does seem to have absolutely nailed it.

 

So there we have it, folks. The past, present, and future of Godfather Disorder brought to you by you.

You're all idiots and should be ashamed of yourselves. That was terrible, terrible reporting. You're all fired. Except SweetNothings. She gets an agony aunt column as her knowledge of sexual deviances appears to know no bounds. 

 

 

 

The Alternative Facts

TsuDhoNimh

 

Chicago

Seriously? More about this lot? I feel like I'm advertising Bonkers name at this stage. If he isn't paying me I'm not saying another thing about this city.

"What is the North Side spirit?" was going to provide an incredible look at the makeup of a true North Sider this week, so I hope Reggie and Utopia are both furious at Bonkers for having spammed the hell out of the rest of the news. It's mean Bonkers. It's real mean. 

 

Detroit

You lot again? You're nearly as bad as Chicago. Stop hogging up all the attention. Nobody likes drama queens. Nobody likes attention seekers. Sit down and wait your turn until next week.

Probably worth mentioning briefly that oRagnar has managed to climb his way to Don and also to expand out to a twenty man headquarters. Is he taking over the early lead in the city? Or is this just handing him enough rope to see what happens? Will losing three leaders in a single swoop rock the confidence of those remaining or give them the room to really shine? Only time will tell.  

 

Las Vegas

We're expecting big things from Vegas in the week ahead. For the first time in the history of the world, ever, @LuciusSweets has more confirmed leaders deaths on his hands than Disorder this week.

We're not saying we're the cause of this. We're not saying us pointing out how prolific and deadly Disorder was has had a role to play in Lucius seeking to over compensate for something and lay down a line in the sand. We're not saying any of that. But just maybe? You never know.

Will Disorder fight back his crown this week? Will FitzChivalry finally finish "moving house", as he has taken to calling it, and emerge as a beautiful young butterfly? Or will LuciusSweet return to his statue-like form and hibernate for another year?

 

Los Angeles

Last week we spoke briefly with Anteros gathering alternative facts. This week, she's gone. Coincidence? You decide. We felt so guilty we avoided reaching out to too many others for comment this week. We know the power we wield, we must use it wisely.

Los Angeles has been rocked this evening following the news that crime boss Anteros has retired from the business.

In a week where discussions have turned to leaders commitment to the cause and their determination to see things through, some of the more recent comments become more than a little unnerving tonight...

 

I am so delighted to hear this so clearly and directly put. Steeping down goes against everything family and this world stands for, you are not employed in a store where you get a nit fed up so go and hand in your resignation you are leading a family! A family that rely on you each and every day. To turn your back on your family to me is the ultimate insult and completely lacking in respect for those that have worked so hard for you.

Too many people attempt to preserve their life at any cost, even if that means going against long held values about what being a part of this thing of ours is all about. You step up - then live it, breathe it, work it or die. There isn't a neat little retirement package if you decide it all is a bit too much like hard work at the end of the day - there absolutely should be a bullet with the hope that their kin can learn the valuable lessons from the experience to perhaps develop in a different or better way in the future.

Reply by: Anteros at Feb 09, '17 04:51

 

So what happened between this comment, full of life and vigor, and this evening's choice to set off into the sunset and call it a day?

The news has just broken of the shot Anteros took and her unwillingness to sit with the consequences of her actions. In this thing of ours we know there are lines. We know we don't touch a friend of ours, a button man, without the right nods and authorisations in place. It just can't happen. It's hard to picture circumstances that could so dramatically alter a point of view like the turn around we saw there, but change they did and a family head left members sitting and stranded on the streets. Actively abandoing all they had preached just days before.  

We reached out to notable LA leader CookieSandwich to see her views on a week that has seen the death of six leaders, all members of the New Frontier, and ask her feeling about the future?

<CookieSandwich> Well, of course it is sad to see some of the leaders here falling, and I give them my condolences
<CookieSandwich> But I must say that it hasn't ruined me (... yet)
<CookieSandwich> I mean, when I'm not here anymore... who will be baking cookies for the community?
<CookieSandwich> The community needs their cookies!

It's refreshing to see a leader with their priorities in order and knowing what's really important in this thing of ours. Cookies. It puts everything else we have to deal with into perspective.

 

New York

We here in the media aren't known for our honesty. For good reason, we're not all that honest.

For once, though, I'm going to lay the cards on the table and call it like it is.

I have no idea what's happening in New York. I'm sure there are probably tons of great people there. I'm sure there are probably great people doing amazing work there. I'm sure there are great families, teaching great values to great members there. However, I don't know of any of it.

I generally keep my ear to the ground. I tend to have a good grasp of what's happening around me. When it comes to New York, it's like a black hole to me. No light is coming out. 

I can't imagine I'm alone here, so I'm going to simply say it. Stand up. Show us. Tell us. Have something happen. This isn't me insulting you, it's me actively trying to avoid it. It could very well be down to who I happen to be friendly with and where my sources come from, but other than a number of very pleasant dealings with MissNiki- on a one to one level... there's nothing else for me to say here. 

Maybe I'm wrong and I'll be inundated with incredible stories and fantastic information that blows my mind. I genuinely hope I am. So I lay down the challenge now. Surprise me this coming week.

 

 

Philadelphia

Losing two leaders in such a short span could throw some cities, but Philadelphia seems to be growing in confidence all the time. They're recruiting well, they're training their members to carry themselves well and they, well.. the remaining leaders at least, are putting a confidence face on all their interactions with the outside world. 

They've lost two leaders but has that simply separate the wheat from the chaff. Has it allowed them to throw off the shackles and soar to even greater heights? Have I just put the commentators curse on them that will see them all crash and burn in flames by next week? Grab your copy of The Potato next week to find out! 

 

 

 

Mashed Potato Awards

JohnDoe

 

Best story - Camp wins this one, with the epic tale of The Baldest Godfather

 

Best discussion - A tie: R-E-S-P-E-C-T by SweetNothings and My CL is a woman by Merci

 

Best opinion - A pact made in blood, with a super opinion from Daniella and Hi I'm New! with FitzChivalry

 

Best unique contribution - A game of cups, with JohnConstantine showing incredible creativity bringing gambling to the streets

 

Each prize winner has received their priceless, seriously nobody would pay you a penny for these things, Mashed Potato. Each, even the ties, have also received 3 credits for their hard work and being such fucking legends. Well done all, be proud!

 

The judge's decisions are final. We don't care if you agree or disagree but if you're feeling all ranty about it please do drop the editor a line so he can laugh his ass off at you for being a total douche. Now, let's help get these streets straightened out and cleaned up a little! Go out and do your best to claim next weeks Mashed Potatos!   

 

Feb 10, '17 23:54 You transfered credits to JohnConstantine's account. Note: Congratulations on wining your Mashed Potato!!! Ohhh, here's some credits too. -3.00
Feb 10, '17 23:53 You transfered credits to Daniella's account. Note: Congratulations on wining your Mashed Potato!!! Ohhh, here's some credits too. -3.00
Feb 10, '17 23:53 You transfered credits to Merci's account. Note: Congratulations on wining your Mashed Potato!!! Ohhh, here's some credits too. -3.00
Feb 10, '17 23:53 You transfered credits to SweetNothings's account. Note: Congratulations on wining your Mashed Potato!!! Ohhh, here's some credits too. -3.00
Feb 10, '17 23:53 You transfered credits to FitzChivalry's account. Note: Congratulations on wining your Mashed Potato!!! Ohhh, here's some credits too. -3.00
Feb 10, '17 23:52 You transfered credits to Camp's account. Note: Congratulations on wining your Mashed Potato!!! Ohhh, here's some credits too.

 

 

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JohnCon sat in his newly upgraded shitheap. Not that the locale was bad, just his own quarters. The Fountain in Vegas was off its tits. Especially experiencing the amazing water display out front, while off ya tits.

A lack of light due to boarded up windows meant he actually had to sit on his porch to read the paper. Electricity? Maybe if he got round to it. For now, nature was his candle stick.

As he sat on the step of his bungalow, his constant chuckles caught the attention of.. Chuckles. A stray cat that John had been feeding his wit and petting since he moved in.

Hopefully the little tomcat wouldn't be on Disorder's hitlist should the con man fuck up and bury himself, Constantine thought, as it rubbed up against his leg.

What caught John's attention most though besides the spate of New Frontier deaths was the bit on New York. After a recent spontaneous trip there he personally couldn't find much to write home about.

And if he did, chuckles couldn't fuckn read, so either way he wasn't sending himself a memo even if New York twisted his arm. They were eerily quiet on a street front, yet did have a few spots open for business locally and charred remains of one.

"Just what the hell is going on over there, hey asshole?" Constantine said in a enthusiastic yet soft voice as he folded up the paper and gave Chuckles a scratch on the head.

Constantine gave one last look at the sun, which was actually a communal outside lamp. He tucked the paper under his arm and headed inside his bungalow for a drink as Chuckles wandered off to begin one of his adventures.

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Kathryn read the paper with great interest, chuckling several times as she went. Went it was done, she handed it over to Jack.

"You've gotta read this. I'm looking forward to the Thrice-Baked Potato."

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It was late evening and finally oRagnar had finished taking care of the daily business. He went straight to his office and the routine had it that he would get his ol' friend Jack and serve himself until he got sorted out. However today was the Potato day and how could he miss the next article. He got cozy in his chari, put his leg on the table, lighted up his cuban cigar and got his drink next to him. 

"Alright, let take a look at these weeks event, hope you guys did a good job"

He opened the paper and checking the first article he agreed with what was said. Every day above ground is a good day! 

1 hour later

"Pheew finally finished, i guess i should be more in touch with what goes on! Need to thank these guys no matter how shi.. "- his sentence is interrupted as his secretary opens the door and tells Ragnar that he has a visitor. 

Door opens and TsuDhoNimh enters. oRagnar approaches him and says:

"My awesome friend, i was just reading your article and wanted to congratulate you for the awesome work you have done on your thing. *cough*not*cough*. I had just called my guy at the bank to donate to your cause. Wait let me check right now!.

He picks up the phone and calls someone and the voice is heard all over the room.

"U-huh yeah im calling about the latest transaction, is that set ?" 

"Yes sir, $1,000,000 has been wired to anonymous recipient from your account that you gave us. We also included the congratulations that you sent them in a bouqet of flowers!"

"Thank you "- says oRagnar as he places the phone down

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zDiamonDz was casually sitting outside her house smoking her cigarette, sipping on her Rum and Coke while doing some light reading provided by "The Potato" Newspaper. She couldn't believe all the events that had flown by as of late, Clearly she wasn't keeping up to date with the latest happening in the world around her, Thank the lucky stars that she was able to catch up because the this newspaper, she even managed to let a few little giggles slip out of her mouth at some of what was stated.

She thought that the paper was indeed very well written and enjoyed that it had a different spin on certain things. In fact she had already decide that she would very much like to read the next few issues when they become available.

 

Job very well done indeed TsuDhoNimh

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Bonkers sighs as he reads The Potatoes analysis of his most recent speech.

Is my use of language really that see-through! Bloody mind reading leprechaun!

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Angy sat down at her favorite restaurant to have breakfast when she heard a young man selling newspapers. She called him and buying one copy of the newspaper she decided to give a little tip to the little boy because he looked very polite. Saying goodbye to him, she opened the newspaper and began to read it.

After a few minutes reading, she set the paper on the table and thought to herself.

"The author of 'Chicago's Cleverest Cunningest Chronicles' seems to be very clever and knows how to score his point of view and put it in a light way for everyone to understand and keep them curious enough to read it all.

"Everything is still always Disorder's fault." She laughs thinking about it. Poor Disorder "

Picking up the newspaper she goes to Disorder's desk to show it to him.

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After reading the 2nd instalment of this great paper and laughing quite hard, not stomach splitting but certainly a ache. He can't wait to see what he is going to name the issue following The Potato - Thrice Baked.

He is also very curious to see what else Disorder will get up to next in his world wide rampage of being involved in everything.

"Good Work TsuDhoNimh and should any juicy gossip happen over in LA I'll give you a call"

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Looking out her window at the bright, dusty morning, SweetNothings was having some coffee and thumbing through The Potato. 'What an excellent read' she thought 'full of well written articles that bulldozed its way through the current affairs of this place. It was alternate journalism at its best'. When she got to the back pages and noticed her name mentioned, Sweet couldn't believe her eyes. She'd won a prize! Looking at the page again it finally sank in, she won stuff for speaking her mind! Excitedly, she grabbed a pair of scissors and cut out the little article to stick in her 'My great achievements' scrapbook. It would be right up there with finally getting Camp to wear clothes around the HQ and saving puppies and kittens from Disorder's murderous tendencies. 

What a glorious start to the day! she said enthusiastically to her pet rock, Rocky, before grabbing a pen and some paper to scribble a letter.

Dear TsuDhoNimh

I love reading your paper. Yuge fan. Really, it's great.

I'd especially like to thank your readership for the award nomination. I never win anything and certainly didn't expect it for my passionate speech about respect. I am truly honoured.

I noticed too that you may have an opening for an agony aunt? I could definitely see myself in this role. Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to ridicule advise people on their problems and help them find solutions. Would I get paid for this?

Yours sincerely,

SweetNothings

 Placing the letter into an envelope, she sent her trusty man, TomRawrdy to deliver it to The Potato's offices.

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Glancing at the letter on his desk, Tsu decided to quickly pen a reply. Not because he was efficient or a contentious worker you'll understand, he was just cheap. If he wrote the reply straight away he could have Tom Rawrdy deliver it for him and save him having to pay anyone to do it.

 


 

 

Dear SweetNothings,

It's lovely to see someone lying so elegantly in order to placate me. It's hugely appreciated and I'm hoping you may set a trend with it.

The agony aunt role would be ideal for someone with your knowledge. In fact, I've just gotten this rash and it... Nevermind. We can discuss that another time.

I can just see it now. "The Agony Corner - Just Whisper Your SweetNothings In My Ear"

There would be some compensation included with the role.

  • At least three times a week Reggie sends in thong pics. They aren't intended for the agony column per se, but given the impact they've been having on the girls around the office we imagine that might be the most suitable spot for them. You would be allowed to keep each of those pics, which I'm sure we can both agree is a tremendous offer.   
  • I could also offer you 10% of the revenue of all sales. Taking into account previous sales figures and our estimated growth for the quarter ahead we estimate that would work out at ~$1.00* per issue. We know, it's impressive shit (*may be a gross overestimation of actual sales). 

We look forward to seeing you bowled over with our generous offer.

Yours sincerely while worrying if Disorder might have gotten close to any animals recently where I'd totally send a reporter to check but he'd probably kill them too,

~Tsu~

 


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Hmmm, I don't know what's worse. This, or that idiotic rag known as the Gwarble Barble! Tough choice! Can you provide a story in the next issue explaining which one is better? Or at least have your readers take a vote?! It's a tough choice!

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Can you provide a story in the next issue explaining which one is better? Or at least have your readers take a vote?!

Tsu had spent time in marketing so knew how important it was to listen to your target market, to take their needs and their wants into account when designing the perfect product-market fit and to acknowledge and listen to their feedback at every step. With that in mind, he felt he could confidently handle this situation.

 

No.

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Dear TsuDhoNimh,

 

Whilst being bored and looking for something to do to get rid of the boredom, I stumbled upon a copy of The Potato - Twice Baked and was rather impressed by the title. I then decided to read it to see if there was any potato baking recipes I haven't seen before.

 

After reading it from front to back I was disappointed to find no recipes inside it. I did however enjoy reading the paper, and had a couple of laughs. I enjoyed reading about the happenings in this world of ours as it was both informative and worth a chuckle hear and there. Keep up the good work

 

I will be looking forward the the next edition, and won't be fooled by the title again.

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Reggie approaches the daily potato building where he know TsuDhoNimh spends most of his time, writing rags and wanking his cock off! He enters the elevator where he encounters the operator

"Basement please sir, that's where the cretins at"

The elevator reaches, basement where Reggie storms out towards the office, where TsuDhoNimh was resting with his feet crossed and raised upon the desk top..

"Hey Tsu you whisky loving prick, If you're going to offer my services you should at least give them a choice, I'm not just a one thong pony"

Reggie screamed as he violently kicks TsuDhonNimh's legs off, looking at Reggie slightly confused he thinks to himself 'What the fuck is
this crazy bastard on now'

"Reggie, you fucking drunk again?"

Reggie throws some pictures on desk, there was the classic gold thong photo in plain sight, TsuDhoNimh apprehensively lifts up the first photo to reveal a photo of Reggie in his best Bikini last summer on his vacation to Los Angeles. Reggie, snatches the last photo off the desk,

"I saved the best for last"

Reggie winks and reveals
a photo of him In crotch less suspenders, with his genitals tucked back for complete vaginal effect.

"That's what on offer, Take it or leave it"

Reggie exits via elevator

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