~* Philadelphia's Phinest Phunniest Publication *~

 

The Potato #2

Because sometimes you just need to go number two

 

Kind of like The Onion, if it were a potato and more potatoey

17th January

It's that time of the week again. We here at The Potato consider it a privilege to have the honour of digesting down the weeks events and converting them into stories that all can comprehend and understand. With that in mind, Curtis produced a single sheet that said "Shit happens. Deal with it". Seriously, we think he fucking nailed it. We also decided to say fuck it and go on and produce another publication this week that would go over the heads of the window lickers that call these cities of ours home, The Potato #2.

Clearly you're not one of them though, you're one of the clever folk that will read it, understand it and tip us generously for it. Right? Right?

War on Gang Crime

Setanta

There's no doubt what the big story is this week. It's huge. It's massive. It's Barry's fivehead... I mean forehead. You're sure it's not a five yet? It really has grown since last week, it can't still be a four. There's not a lot we can add to what has already been said though, so we'll ignore that and move on to the other stories making waves across Cosa Nostra.

City Hall came out this week and laid down a massive strike against gang crimes in our cities. In what has been an ongoing battle between the officials of our world and one specific gang, the 303303, officials laid down a final ultimatum that they would no longer tolerate anyone openly carrying any affiliation with this group, any gang signs relating to the group or any public displays of the groups secret handshake.

The full details of the ban on the 303303 group can be read in the transcripts of the original speech available here, but as always The Potato is here to fill in the gaps, explain the difficult words and tell you the truth, the whole truth and nothing that's the truth. (No, that's not a typo. That's what we do here. It confuses us too.)

Trouble between the 303303 group and City Hall officials began a long time ago. The latest incident(s) being just the tip of the iceberg in relation to the group as far as the City Hall officials were concerned. The Potato took a few moments to start digging into this history, gathering transcripts of speeches and various eyewitness statements on what happened with many previous events. The results?

Without having the full details of any individual event, trying to judge it or even comprehend it is a futile and fruitless task. Mostly due to many big words being used and we're a bit think, but mainly as the situations concerned simply don't lend themselves to 3rd party judgement without all of the relevant details. Most of these discussions are packed full of heavily opinionated people speaking heroically for or vehemently against the group and/or City Hall. None contain a full blow by blow account of accurate details and vast majority of those speaking are doing so from a position of ignorance. That goes for people on both sides of the fence on each issue, for and against either City Hall and 303303.

However, not ones to let something as simple as "facts" or the "truth" get in the way of a good story, we said we'd roll out some of the old tales for your voyeuristic pleasure:

Following through with the 303. Jan 09, '15 15:20

HelpDesk will remain open. Nov 03, '14 17:38

Unfair discharge. Wait for the perm ban. Nov 02, '14 22:35

GAME CHANGE: Helpdesk is now closed Nov 02, '14 17:39

So long HelpDesk, and thanks for all the fish. Nov 02, '14 17:59

The killing of staffs accounts out of revenge & The 303 Nov 01, '14 12:34

POLICY: Helpdesk is not a chew toy or whipping boy. Oct 23, '14 13:41

At this point, our valiant researcher (me) got a paper cut and got lazy. In light of that they (I) decided that going back further in the timeline would probably not actually unearth any deeper truths or pertinent information. The fact was that the information in any of these discussions was lacking. 

In the most recent event we all saw the public outburst made by a member of the group, we all saw the FED jail term that was thrown on them as punishment for this and then we all saw the public anti gang stance go live against the 303303. Does that mean we have all the information? Of course not. Not even close to it. It's clear to anyone that significant things happened in between the individual steps there. Without knowledge of what discussions were held, what private chats were had and what was said in those chats we're simply throwing punches in the dark.

Many disagree with punishments being handed out on a group basis, yet the group has been used at many turns to hedge responsibility and pass the buck. Many disagree with the severity of various punishments handed out to the group over the period, yet others disagree with the leniency of those same punishments. Many consider individuals within the group to be great people, yet consider the group as a whole to be despicable. Many consider the antics of the group to playful fun among friends, yet others consider it to be trolling and bullying of the highest order. As with most things in life, the 'reality' of something depends on your view of it. Without knowing all of the facts of a situation, either of these opposing views on any individual event could well be what any given individual would consider 'the truth'.  

As our readers demand more than a "Here's a few chats about them, but you can't actually listen to either side of the argument and actually believe any of those idiots", we had to set to work and go that extra mile. Not being big into walking, or running, or driving, or riding on the back of Astro the camel, we had the brainwave of having others help do our work for us (yet another unique, never before seen, The Potato original.... that we stole from someone else). So we put on our best pair of reading glasses, donned a jacket that was almost clean and set to work interviewing people to get to the bottom of what's really happing in this war on gangs.

Editors Note: 

As part of the discussions that follow, anonymity was offered (and provided) to all (although some of the content provided may give away an identity, so meh). That is something I will always respect however, so any approach The Potato or myself directly in relation to anything mentioned here and you'll get a swift fuck off followed by a torrent of abuse. On second thoughts, please do come and ask for who said what, it sounds like fun for me. 

It has to be noted that a few things became very apparent from approaching a number of people and asking questions:

- Most replies consisted of a "It's gone. Forget about it" type of response (not literally, but that was the gist).

- Many of 303303 known associates are terrified to speak about the group to an outsider, in-spite of it supposedly being no more.

- The vast majority of members are great individuals (I'm not suggesting this as a friend, I have limited [at most] connections to the individuals that were part of it)

- The one individual who thought the most intelligent and appropriate response was to insult me, make threats against me, warn me against ever asking about or talking about 303303.... seriously? Are people really that idiotic? 

Forgetting the fact that I'm well known for abhorring any type of bullying or intimidation, and actively jump in front of it when the opportunity arises, was there ever any potential positive outcome that could come from that? You actively managed to turn an independent and completely neutral observer, who had openly said they were about to be vocal about the group, into someone that greatly dislikes you. I can't say I'd personally hold it against the other incredibly generous and friendly members I spoke with, but I will say that any group that would let this individual be a part of its membership drops dramatically in my view. When reputations and respect are in shreds and tatters, this type of response is genuinely beyond moronic. People with such a limited intelligence, limited comprehension of what the impacts of their actions will be and such a limited ability to make decisions in their own best interest are genuinely a threat to mankind.

So now that we all want to know what the real story is, lets ask the audience?

First up we spoke to a member of Cosa Nostra who has been anti 303303 for a long time, <Redacted>. She/He/It gave us their thoughts on the situation:

What are the 303?

Well, that is probably not as straight forward an answer as one might think. It would be easy to call them a few choice words, god knows I've done it in the past, but I'll keep this PG though. 

As far is know, they originated on some great, mystical, Baltic never region. Some say its run by crooked, salty trolls. The 303 are described as, four legged, hairy animals that have long drawn faces. Its once been said that they can scale mountains with great speed, commonly known as GOATS. And no, not the acronym, the actual animal; the GOAT.

 

Where did the 303 come from? 

I've pretty much covered that already, you jackass. Weren't you listening? Although it's said that their forefathers originated from the salty island of IzzyDD'dyouasses!

I do believe that it was three members strong *(to start off with), but I could be wrong. Not really bothered, if I'm honest. I also heard that it was some kinky, pact they made after being taken out in a war. I have a head like a sieve, I cant remember- or I just stopped listening to them at the point. Fuck knows.

 

When someone speaks about "The 303", who do you picture in your head?

WOW, really.... I see a religious cat, riding a goat, to see a condom called NoName, all tripping out on a drug, all experiencing technical difficulties (<--- if anyone gets this complete reference, I'll give them a credit (all can apply, except 303 of course))

(Editor note: I assume they're serious about the credit. Please get in touch if you know what they were rambling on about. Not even just to win the credit, simply just to let me know what the fuck was going on. I assumed I was drunk or tripping or something when I was reading my notes on this back)

For a long time, you have been one of the most vocal opponents of the 303303 group. Is there a story behind this dislike?

Well contrary to popular belief it had nothing to do with them pewing previous generations of my bloodline. If I applied that logic, I would detest half of the people who walk this country. Jesus, my lineage dies.... a lot. Let me say this, individually I have no issues with any of this group, they're all a decent bunch of human beings. It's all about how the group operated and the negative effect they had on our world.

It was a joke to them, they were tier 1 trolls (and I don't mean this as a compliment). They bullied people in the coffee shops and turned many a good bloodline from this thing of ours. Before you say it, yes, I witnessed first hand how they operated and it was, no doubt a detriment to this thing we love.

Some of their actions were questionable, others were outright punishable by the gods and rightly so. It had nothing to do with them monopolising the cities, for that im forced to give them credit. They contributed nothing but loathing. What they did though was up the work economy, they created hundreds of jobs for 303 groupies. Some say that each groupie was given their own poop-a-scoop (how kind) and had to follow the group around, picking up their shit, wherever they squatted.

 

How do you think the group managed to obtain such a strong position in this thing of ours?  

Honestly, I think it comes down to a mechanic thing. People are very old these days. They have put too much work into their lives to risk dying. No-one would take that leap of faith, so I think they where happy in not pushing for something better, for fear of dying. I think it also was these groupies. I believe they were sly little ball-bags, their 303 standard issue poop-a-scoopa's were laced with camera's; eyes were everywhere. Again, kudos where it's due. God knows I tried so many times to see them undone, and I succeeded in getting a few killed.

 

What happened to loosen their grip on power?

It was when the gods decided they had enough of their antics. It went beyond anything that is civil, or at least as civil as this life of ours can be. Although, and I'm hoping a certain linage can back me up here, they were only hours away from a first wave against them when it happened (true story). The only regret is that we, the people who walk this world, left it so long that the gods felt the need to intervene. We're as much to blame for the 303303's run as they are, we let it go that far.

 

How do you feel about the recent steps to outlaw declarations of loyalty to the group?

Erm, I think its pretty apparent given how this interview has gone. Honestly, have you be listening to a word I've said? Although, I will miss milking those goats for shits and giggles.

 

If you could say one thing to the fallen members of the 303, GRTS, what would it be?

For fear of being sheered and sold for off meat by the gods like I herd they did, ill keep that under my pole.

 

If you could have shot one member of the 303 over the last number of months, who would it be, why and what whisper would they have gotten?

Oh I did shoot one of them, at least.  I probably would have whispered a recipe on how I would stew their salty meet. Something like that. I hear goat cheese is nice?

 

Now that the 303 have gone, what do you expect to see in our future as our cities rebuild?

I would like thing s to get back to normality, which around here is a pretty vague concept. When everyone is given a fair chance to achieve what they want, our world prospers. Decent human beings for the bold suits and some order back, ohhh... and SP for AUTH, OF COURSE.

I should mention this person didn't actually request anonymity and actively waved it. We just didn't give the name to see if people would figure it out. The #SP4Auth banner might even be a hint.

The most important question of them all... the one everyone is asking... would you rather fight a hippo sized penguin or a penguin sized hippo?

Errrm.... how about an asshole sized goat?

Next up, we reached out to many who were considered bloodline members of 303303, associates of the group or just groupies of the group. A large number politely declined, a few said they'd like to but didn't feel safe in doing so, a very small number replied answering specific queries and one, <Redacted>,was kind enough to answer the majority of my queries. 

We also got the tard response, which I'm hoping was simply trolling. That said, even as trolling, it's still possibly the most idiotic thing I've ever seen. Not that I'm one to judge, or comment about things or outright say you're the stupidest person to ever manage to make your way out of their mothers gash... but if I was, you'd totally be all of those things. 

Quickly addressing one of the individual comments:

Now that the 303 have gone, what do you expect to see in our future as our cities rebuild? 

I don't agree with that question, you make is sound like the 303 have just split up when really, the 303 stopped acting as a group when all the DD's happened. From that point forward 303 was just Lush, Firenza, Morty, Shaggs and Haven... Though the Chicago two never did anything. New York acted as a group from that point forward but purely because there were still three 303 Godfathers members in New York people assumed they were still at large.

While this is one potential interpretation of what my question asked, I wouldn't agree it's correct. When saying "303 have gone" I wasn't referring to an attack on New York at all. It was purely based on the City Hall ban based upon declaring loyalty to the group. Going a step further and being completely honest, I was actually baiting there seeing if I could generate a reaction. A "303 isn't fucking gone and no City Hall rule can ever get rid of us! muahahahahaha" would have made for an epic quote. Sadly, it didn't happen. Instead I got logic, reason and facts. Like... what's a journalist supposed to do with things like that?!?!? You all disgust me, still. I hope everyone reading this accidentally follows through the next time they pass wind.

So... back to <Redacted>'s answers:

What are the 303?

The "303" are just a group of friends, but in more recent times I'd consider them more of a family. We have our fights, we have our problems and we certainly don't like each others friends sometimes, but we've stuck through thick and thin and I couldn't have been more blessed with such a group of friends.

 

Where did the 303 come from?

Don Technical of Detroit many moons ago had just decided one day that the "303" was going to be something. It means nothing at all but Technical had made it something along with the bloodlines of biglawson, Ace, Teruzzo.

 

When someone speaks about "The 303", who do YOU picture in your head?

There has never been a leader in the organization, ever. We've never had one person go "Hey, we're doing this". We've always had rules that we don't speak about. However when someone says the 303, I would think of Ace (Godfather Anomaly of Downtown, Detroit and later on JohnnyNoName, Godfather of Queens, NY). He was always a top hitter and a friend of all of us.

 

For a long time, you were part of NY which was controlled by members of the 303 group. Is there a story behind how their relationships there developed?

<Large chunk redacted> Desmand (Bloodline of ginsters), DanTheMan (Bloodline of morty) and JohnnyNoName (Bloodline of Ace) had gotten to know Firenza (Cantillon) very well. When ToyArmadillo moved to New York to assume Godfather, Cantillon, his former rhm and Captain to Jake Luciano, was permitted to go with him.

After the war with Solastalgia, Ares and Cantona, Cantillon was given the Bronx, Numbers4Glory was given Staten Island and JohnnyNoName was given Queens. It was at this point the city had 4 districts and we were all united under Godfather Toy. We had survived through a lot and had been a force to be reckoned with. Our hitsquads were fantastic at the time. The Irish lot under Cantillon combined with Johnny's hitters on top of N4G's, well, it was destructive.

As time went on, Lord Toy Armadillo retired from the world of ours to pursue something in the other world. It was a dark day for the city of New York but we immediately had a meeting that stated his rhm, Amethyst, would assume his Godfather position in Brooklyn.

Weeks later came something special. Manhattan was finally opened and guarded by fifty men with immense bodyguards. The city of New York had agreed to give DanTheMan the district. We fought the crew of fifty with over three hundred members of New York. We however figured out we had massive internal issues at this point in time...

JohnnyNoName and Numbers4Glory butted heads. N4G wanted to kill all of the members of Manhattan immediately, trying to save our finances. Johnny had told the others that killing the bodyguards for the gun skill was far more valuable since it was the only time we'd ever get to fight such an impressively bodyguarded up family. We had a city emergency meeting where it was shown that Staten and Queens would not cooperate.

Johnny and Dan had spoke quietly about removing them.. They went to Desmand, Dans former RHM and then underboss to Cantillon and he agreed as well. They then went to Cantillon and then Amethyst who were all on board with the idea. The plan was set in motion and in under two hours from the initial thought, Staten Island was dead.

Dan and Johnny would go on to get Godfather in Manhattan and Queens, respectively. Don Goku, Don Mako, Don Solid and Don Desmand were sent out to repopulate Chicago after the massacre of its former inhabitants. It was at this point that Amethyst, Cantillon, OrangeJuice and Mako were introduced to the 303 and brought in.

Jeddy, underboss to Dan, was sent to Staten Island as its Godfather. It was the first time the "303" had the 5 Godfathers in one city. Dan had passed away weeks later as the first casualty of the five from a crazed Irish man doppleganger. Yobssarg was being controlled somehow by the fallen Godfather Femto, and Femto had used Yobssarg to kill Dan.

Don OJ- was given Manhattan and assumed Godfather. Jeddy was killed in a rare chemical gas attack by the gods for something out of his control. He was killed and in his last will, he had asked Don Kyubey to move to Staten Island and make sure everyone would be fine. Kyubey, a 303 member and in some weird cat/human cross over thing a relative of Dan's, would move to Staten to assume Godfather.

That was good for a long while until the strange chemical attacks which crippled, and then led to the death of JohnnyNoName of Queens. The other four Godfathers of NY didn't really know Johnny's people. Don Siobhan, Don PaulyD and Don SpikeS.

OrangeJuice- had struck down SpikeS so he wouldn't assume the rank of Godfather. (The four of us never trusted him to be a leader, but Johnny had faith in him where we didn't) and then OJ- was struck down by the gods for some type of city hall attack. It was unexpected and led to a lot of hardships.

Many people blamed the city hall for the deaths of Johnny and OJ and people were targeted for no reason related to their lives. (OOC: Admin/staff/friends of staff). Cantillon had killed PaulyD for murdering Consigliere DeadlySin, a member of Whatsernames family.

We had removed Siobhan due to lack of trust and put Don Ladyfighter as Godmother of Queens. Don FutureStealer, underboss to OJ, was promoted to Godfather.

It was the beginning of the end. We worked extremely well with LF and FS but it was at this point, it was no longer about the 303 and we gravitated more away from the three numbers that scared everyone and more into a unit, a group of unified New Yorkers.

Our next set of questions once again went to a vocal anti 303303 proponent who had long discussed their failings and their flaws with all who would listen. We once again will respect anonymity here and wouldn't dream of giving up the identity of <Redacted>.... for anything less than a MASSIVE bribe. I mean... ever!

Where did the 303 come from? 

hell and thats where they are.



When someone speaks about "The 303", who do you picture in your head? 

Ronaldo dying ofcourse



For a long time, you have been one of the most vocal opponents of the 303 group. Is there a story behind this dislike? 

there thoughts and controlling the game as they did.



How do you think the group managed to obtain such a strong position in this thing of ours? 

lucky no-one stood up to them and finally did Yeah..



How do you think they managed to retain their power for so long? 

had alot of money and credits, along with backing..



What happened to loosen their grip on power? 

they snooze and they lose.. lol



How do you feel about the recent steps to outlaw declarations of loyalty to the group? 

it was strong for sure.



If you could say one thing to the fallen members of the 303, GRTS, what would it be? 

GOOD RIDDENS



If you could have shot one member of the 303 over the last number of months, who would it be, why and what whisper would they have gotten? 

Jeddy



Now that the 303 have gone, what do you expect to see in our future as our cities rebuild? 

MR to have more families and able to grow.



The most important question of them all... the one everyone is asking... would you rather fight a hippo sized penguin or a penguin sized hippo? 

I don't back down from neither :)

Clearly a man of few words, but strong emotions. 

The Potato wish to point out that no hippo's or penguins were harmed in the making of these interviews. That the views contained within the interviews are those of monkeys from San Diego Zoo and that any answers which have a resemblance to anybody, living or dead, is purely coincidental. 

The reality behind this is that the entire discussion is fairly moot. A group is little more than a collection of friends who share interests, enjoy each others company, enjoy similar passtimes and that gather together to enjoy those things or to speak about them. Whether wearing a gang tattoo or not, or using a specific name for the group or not (regardless of negative connotations) these exact same things will happen. Idiots will be idiots at times. Good people will do bad things at times. Honest people will make mistakes at times and herd mentality will cause otherwise upstanding people to do questionable things. This isn't just aimed at 303303 (and specifically that one tard), it goes equally for those on the other side of the fence that have been (or are) throwing stones from glass houses. 

A genuine thank you to those who were willing to speak to us in relation to this. So many questions remain unanswered.... like MomMom? Seriously?... yet if a single truth has made its way out to the lights of the streets due to these chats we can all consider it a win. 

While the 303303 dominates the majority of the paper, mainly as we're too lazy to write much else, it would be remiss of us not to touch on the other events wetted the appetites of those across our cities.... as briefly as we thought we could possibly get away with.  

Buzzing Business Bonanza

Setanta

In Philadelphia, a combined move was made by the families to bring the buzz and excitement back into the business district. The Potatosent a reporter along to cover this even in every mouth wateringly fantastic detail, until we realised this had nothing to do with a new brothel or sex toys of any description. Spartacus was so disappointed by this news that he has hardly been seen all week. We believe he might have taken it upon himself to find different forms of "buzz and excitement", but these rumours are as of yet unconfirmed. Your guess is as good as ours. If found, please give him a bowl of water and a pat on the head. If you could also send him back home that'd be great, the poor fella does tend to get dazed and confused.

Back to business though and Philadelphia really was booming this week. Supporting both the opening of new enterprises and the expansion of existing ones, Godfathers Whatsername, Inertia and Tetley and those working under them managed to create a flurry of activity. It goes to show, our cities are full of greedy sluts and manwhores who will do literally anything for the slightest hint of some cash, a credit or a perk. It's fantastic and refreshing to see. 

Investing into these businesses, that serve such a vital role in keeping FED attention away from us all, is vital for the survival of Cosa Nostra. If we ever lose our money laundering operations and lose control of the streets, this thing of ours would perish. Thankfully, the Philadelphia Business District competition has proven a few things. "You don't need to be smart to open a business, you don't need talent to run a business and even hard work is optional. If Setanta can do it, anyone can" as one of the guests visiting Philadelphia during the week commented. Another replied "If that fucker Setanta can manage to run a business, I'm pretty sure that kitten over there could open a bar". We later visited that bar, and were very impressed with the results. 

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Special promotions running from now through to January 22nd:

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In other news across the districts....

Chicago

In The Loop, Chicago Godfather Ajani was seen consoling poor HubertCapone over the movement of Louis-Man to Detroit. It's not that Hubby is especially caring or anything, he just realised it was one less set of hubcaps he'd be able to steal in the future. Rumours that local underboss Tish was seen laughing at this event were met with a swift "Pog mo Thóin agus bain taitneamh as", though we're not yet sure if that confirms or denies it.  

On The North Side, Chicago its been a busy week of getting things in place for the future. Godfather Kelly_Kapowski, having only recently arrived in the district, has wasted no time in taking a firm grip of things and pushing out the rabble. If she could only manage to do the same with Aliens she might even get some peace and quiet. In spite of various rumours suggesting otherwise, Katniss remains close at Kelly's side. Not like that you perverts, behave! With @Bunk-Moreland being chosen to move from The North Side to help repopulate Detroit. We're lucky we didn't go to print earlier, we'd have made a horrible balls of guessing that one.

In the Suburbs, Chicago it was party central this week. Reports that KarmenKayne's party only ended, days after it started, when Godfather Maria was seen whipping Nighthawk and PaulHeyman screaming "Strip like one of my *hiccup* French boys" have yet to be denied by any of the parties allegedly involved. Honestly, they haven't denied it. How could they? We only just made this shit up.

On the South Side, Chicago there was lots of hard work being done. This is what our scouts tell us, the lazy fuckers coming back with sod all information. We can only assume this means that iocaste- and Transporter, under the guidance of Lexie_Grey, were actively getting their hands dirty trying to get Spunky's bodily discharges under control using a combination of surgery, highly powerful drugs and possibly some power tools. With that in mind, we fully understand why our scouts weren't willing to get too close. Careful kids, we're pretty sure that's not snow on the ground.

Detroit

In Downtown, Detroit Motor City is seeing some drastic changes. Louis-Man, well supported by both his jock strap and DiamonDz... but in very different ways obviously, has taken the city once again under Cosa Nostra control. For those bloodlines who remember the glory days of Detroit in the past, it's a proud thing to see. For those of you that don't... get off my lawn you fucking kids! *waves his fist in anger* We're hoping to see exciting things from this fresh and energetic new leadership there in Detroit, so watch The Potato for further updates in the future.

In Corktown, Detroit things have only just been wrestled back from the chaos and disorder of non organised crime. It's a little too early to know for sure, but based on the first few minutes in charge many are saying that Bunk-Moreland might be the greatest leader of all time ever. We're not sure if it might have been Bunk himself saying this or not, but as we've nothing else to go on this early into their reign in Detroit we'd literally print any old shit. 

(We're also taking side bets at 2/1 on a Civil War there before the end of the week. We're not sure how, but somehow WebSpider has become the early leader in the betting there.)

Las Vegas

We sent a scout to find out what's happening in The Strip, Las Vegas this week, but they won big on roulette and we haven't heard from them since. With that in mind, we'll just make some shit up as we've done with every other district. Things are peaceful there, with even the spate of deaths associated with unattached mobsters which seemed to have plagued Sin City appearing to have cleared up in recent days. Rumours that BlackJack has opened a book on whether Godfather Sydney's favourite is CrissCross or Leaflet have neither been confirmed nor denied... but if we were right with our bet on CrissCross we'll be retiring to Hawaii and there won't be a paper next week.

New York

Over in Brooklyn, New York Godfather Curtis has been as busy as on Irish hooker on Saint Patricks Day. This was mainly due to the work he was doing one on one with an Irish hooker, but that's a tangent so lets just leave that to the side. This week alone he has managed to prevent Barry's forehead from destroying the world (not an easy task) and has enabled good Batiatus to remove cock from ass long enough to set up a new headquarters in the Big Apple. I'm not saying either of those things are a positive, many of us would welcome Barry's forehead ushering in a biblical disaster, but it's good to see shit being done all the same. 

Philly

We're really letting me write about Philadelphia? Is this a good idea? I know I'm meant to be impartial and stuff, but I'm also meant to be intelligent and articulate too. If I can't manage those last two, what hope have I of managing the first?

Rumours are circulating at a rapid pace around Old City Distrist, Philadelphia. Is Tetley trying to turn the district into his own personal harem? Having two female leaders in WeepingAngel and BlackBetty under him was suspicious enough, given that girls tend not to talk to the ol' teabagger that often. Now he's gone and made sure all of the right hand jobs in the cities have gone to ladies like bina, AmyPond and McSteamy too. McSteamy isn't a chick? Really? Have you ever spoken to him? Totally could have fooled me. With that lass SiriusBlack also holding a hand position in the district The Potato predicts OCD will be a female only district in no time at all. 

In Bella Vista, Philadelphia things are proceeding along at a fine pace. Godfather Inertia and Stein are knocking down every obstacle in their way and performing nothing short of miracles to make it happen. We here at The Potato believe they can do it too. The goals are high, but anything worth achieving always is hard work. Call back next week to see if they've finally managed to toilet train MarcusAurelius or if all the work has been fighting a hopeless battle.

Here in South Philly, Philadelphia we've been involved in a huge debate this week. It's the reason the paper is late. The reason Tyke has missed sending his weekly nudes to his lady friends and the reason Latin has been walking around without any pants on. Ok, fair enough, that last one would happen regardless. What is this great debate I hear you mumble at a low fucking whisper, should we drop one of the Philadelphia's from our name or keep it, being all hipster and shit? We've also had Utopia working with all of the other leaders trying to drum up business in the city... and then absconding with all the prizes... and Whatsername actively trying to take out an ad in The Potatoadvertising for a new right hand man to replace that Setanta guy. Sadly, someone keeps sneaking into the copy room and writing so many expletives after his name so we can't fit it in the paper. We all know it's you Scriba, don't deny it!

Excellent read.  And long overdue.

Utopia, looking for some reading material on his flight to Mexico, stops on the street to receive an issue of The Potato from Setanta. He is wearing a large coat, shades and a fake beard. He then places the newspaper into the large, overflowing sack on his back. Utopia then looks around shadily, before getting into a taxi with the sack of prizes. 

While drinking her afternoon coffee, Amy scanned the small newspaper that was dropped on her porch. She reads over the discussion of the fallen group and rolls her eyes, tossing the papers behind her. This was so last week.

Taking the time to actually read the article on the Philadelphia Business Competition, she made the mental note that she should probably stop by. She'd made sure to add to the prizes in hopes that her laziness would be overlooked, but damned if she hadn't been called out already about not stopping by the shops. 

"Aha!" she exclaimed, finding what she was after. "Current affairs, let's just see what everyone is up to." Grabbing a pen and pad of paper, Amy jotted down a couple notes:

- Send poor Hubert some condolence flowers!

- Attempt to make the ever-radiant Kelly Kapowski swoon again. She knew she'd have competition with Batiatus now in a bold suit, damn him. But she was surely going to try to steal Kelly back. Dat ass.

- Package up some girly mags and ship them to Spunky.

- Send Batiatus some homemade brownies to congratulate him on his rise to greatness- possibly with laxatives so I can get a couple moments alone with Kelly.

- Check on Inertia, just to get a chance to see her.

- Mail Tyke and demand my nudes that I have yet to receive.

- Send Latin some damn pants so I can get my nudes.

"There! That should keep me entertained for a while," she muttered to herself. Amy facepalmed as she realized she didn't even read about her own district, assuming she'd know what was going on there. Flipping back to Old City District her eyes widened as their plans for lady domination were out for everyone to see. "Shit!" she exclaimed, taking the paper inside to get her phone. "Harem?!" she scoffed, dialing Tetley. She waited a moment, seething as she waited for him to answer. "We're in a fucking harem?!" she started right off as he answered. "And I'm not even the bottom bitch? WHAT DO YOU MEAN MCSTEAMY IS THE BOTTOM BITCH," she yelled into the phone. 

Amy slammed the phone, breaking the receiver with the force she used. McSteamy was going down.

That's it Hubert, you keep the chin up and keep putting on a brave face. Scream through the pain! Don't worry though. Just keep asking yourself how many hubcaps could one man possibly need?

Gideon is making his way down the street when he stops at a coffee shop and gets his morning cup of coffee the he sees a stand with a big sign above it reading The Potato he had heard about this before it was this newspaper thing but it was more than that it was entertainment it was like television but instead your reading rather than watching. Gideon walked to the stand and bought a coffee and sat at a table in the inside of the coffee shop and started reading the potato hopefully it all made out to be what everyone said it was

Tony Capazzo sat there enjoying a cup of coffee and pulled up the lastest edition of the Potato. Tony was very excited as in this world there are not too many things to bring him entertainment. He opened it up and read a informative article and interview regarding the 303. Tony nodded and continued to read.

He saw a section regarding the business boom in Philly. Tony smiled as he was happy to have seen his city in the papers and getting recognition. He is very proud and honored to be a part of Philadelphia. He then stopped and smiled even wider.

It's was an advertisement of the LUX. Tony nodded and saw Setanta had put up his ad and was very thankful. He waved over to one of his associates.

"Please make sure and thank Mr. Setanta for getting up the ad."

The associate nodded as Tony put up two fingers. Tony then focused back on the paper as he read the on goings of each city. He smiled and read on.

After 3 days Mighty has finally some spare time for himself. He has been to busy cracking heads and earning for his beloved boss Katniss.
He sits down in his sunday lazy chair and grabs the second version of the Potato.. He smiles as he is reading along the articles.

"The second edition is worth reading, I enjoyed it in my spare time. Keep the new editions coming!"

Mighty closes the Potato and slighty falls away in a deep sleep.

Tade took quite some time to read the newspaper, it was very long and though it was exciting to read, the yawns became more constant, sitting down for what seemed like hours made Tade too tired to read any more past the ' Buzzing Business Bonanza '.

"Setanta, from what I read before I decided to stop to get some much needed sleep, that was quite an excellent paper which took more than enough effort, I am sure with every newspaper I will continue to read and keep updated with this world that we all live in. You've done an excellent job and no doubt your next newspaper will be just as exciting. For now I need my bed but I will be sure to read the last once I've woken."

Tucking the newspaper under his arm, he makes his way back home where Caius had not long stolen Ned to sleep next to for the night.

I'd like to tip my at to you Setanta. Rarely, if ever has this amount of dedication been put into a publication. From start to finish, it is filled with knowledge, its carefully put together, and it contains references to back up statements and opinions. The Gwarble Barble was considered the standard on these streets, but you have replaced it by far.

It was extremely interesting to read about the 303 issues, as I was away on business while all of that occurred. Getting to look back at the statements issued from both sides gave me a greater understanding of how our world changed so dramatically. I appreciate the effort put into that piece.

Please continue the excellent work sir. I, and many others look forward to the next release.

Could the Potato investigate the Biscuit crissis that plagued our world not long ago? I remember reading about it in my grandmothers diary and was wondering if it had been resolved.

Bunk folds up the Potato and lights his cigar 

"what a decent read thank you Setanta and i look forward to the new addition"

Could the Potato investigate the Biscuit crissis that plagued our world not long ago? I remember reading about it in my grandmothers diary and was wondering if it had been resolved.

I have never heard of the aforementioned crissises Kurgan, but I would be intrigued to find out more. The Potato would be more than happy to investigate it, if by investigate you mean make up random shit that has only the slightest footing in the truth. 

Great read once again! Perfect material for the morning tea. And yea, Tetley's a lil feminist over here!!! He got us surrounded by women!!! Not complaining though. ;)

Quickly checks his chest to make sure there isn't any cross dressing thats got Setanta confused about Steams sexuality!!! Shooo, thats a relief! However!!! I am the BOTTOM BITCH AmyPond!!! Im a make it rain!!! Gotta make that paper!!! 

On a side note though!!! Aliens needs to be let out of this stratosphere, so he can wonder along to another one...take the Top Bitch!!! Sorry! Top hancho muchacho bitch-thing...and inhabit a whole new species out there!!! Only God knows what he can muster! But its always a delight!!! 

Sp4Auth!!! There I said it!!!

Wipes the sweat off his forehead!!! I think Amy's been spiking my tea!!! Stop the spikes!!!