Deciding to give it another shot, Death steps back up to the mic and looks around the room.

""A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”"

Death steps off the stage and goes over to the bar to have a nice drink

Having probably had more than her fair share to drink, Butterfingers staggers to the microphone again:

Joey walks into the bar, sits on the stool and beckons the bartender over. He says "12 shots of your finest Tequila sir" to which the bar tender scurries off, comes back and pours 12 shots right in front of Joey. Joey looks at the bartender, looks down at the 12 shots lined up and proceeds to knock them back, one straight after the other. The bar tender looks at him when he is done as says "My god son, what are you celebrating?" Joey smiles and says "I just had my first blowjob!" The bar tender smiles and says "Here son, this one is on the house." to which Joey says "Sorry pal, but if 12 don't get the taste out of my mouth I doubt another one will!!!"

Butterfingers drops the mike and staggers back towards her seat....

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

A pastor, a police officer, and a stripper walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look at the group and asks "What is this a joke?" 

Bets chuckles as she leans against the wall and lights her first cigar of the day...she was in a great mood!

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

Butterfingers stands, sways a lot and grabs the table for balance then proceeds to zig zag her way back to the microphone:

I was trying to teach my baby to say Mommy and it went a little like this:
Mommy: Say Mommy!
Baby: Daddy!
Mommy: Come on, say Mommy!
Baby: Daddy!
Mom: Fuck you, say Mommy!
Baby: Fuck you, Daddy!
Dad: Honey, I'm home!
Baby: Fuck you!
Dad: Who taught you that?
Baby: Mommy!
Mom: Son of a bitch.

Butterfingers falls off the stage, picks herself up and straightens her dress and stumbles back to her seat.

Madara stops dancing to random noises in the back ground and listens in to some of these jokes. He remembered walking around with 1 pinned to the back of his cloak, which he left there because he knew it would amuse those who were tailing him from the FBN

A man phones his wife's doctor and says, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asks.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

The hulking figure walked into the room of comedy, everyone standing in awe that such a man could even fit through the door nevertheless tell a good joke, but he was here to prove them all wrong. Just because his biceps were immaculate and his legs made of pure steel, did it have to mean that he did not know how to jingle the jollies of the common man? Just because he was handsome in every which way, did that spurn him to a life of cold and calculated seriousness? Who was to say that he couldn't be amusing?

Fuck these people, he was going to blow the roof off this place. Stepping into the front of the area, his voice boomed like a shot from the heavens as he began his hilarious story...

"So... there was... so man, he was kind of... uh... he went to the, and at the park he saw a dog. It was a dog, was it? Yes."

No one had even sparked a smile yet, was it because they were already assuming he couldn't be whimsical? Little did they know that he was filled to the brim with whimsy. Clasping his hands into a fist of anger, he calmed himself down, he had to play it cool, people wouldn't laugh at someone getting mad, would they? No. He had to be funny, it was the only way.

"What about... like... airplane food? What is the deal? It is like, isn't it? Eh... oh, yeah, the man saw a dog and he was at the park and he... egh... wasn't... didn't it look funny? It was a Pomeranian, but I hardly knew her! HA!"

Perfect. He nailed it. Yet the crowd still did not seem to be moved with laughter, maybe he was too ahead of his time, maybe he had built up this joke in his head and it wasn't as amusing as it sounded. He was mad now, but still no one had said anything negative either, they all just stared at him; perhaps they were merely taking in the joke? Yes, that sounded about right. It was a sophisticated humor that Antaeus had, he should have known that the people in his line of work just wouldn't get it. 

With that, he tipped his hat and ran through the back door. His dream of being a comedian was over before it had begun.

HandsomeJack over hears that there's a joke competition going on and decides to walk up and share one.

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"

Johnny says, "None."

The teacher asks, "Why?"

Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."

The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."

Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"

The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream."

Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

NumberOne was away for a while taking a piss, but when he came back his associate told him all about the jokes he didn't listen to. He told him about HandsomeJack's Joke, and the jokes told by Antaeus, Madara, BoomBoomBetty, Death and many others. He laughed to some of jokes, they were nice ones actually.

NumberOne then moved to all of the guys to thank them personally for joining the party and expressing how funny were their jokes.

As soon as he goes back to his table, one of his associates came to him,

Associate: Hi Boss, I have a nice Idea.

No.1: Go Ahead, Tell Me.

His associate leans on his ears and tells few words, to which No.1 smiles and said: Nice Idea, lets do it.

No.1 decided to go ahead and do what his associate suggested, it is indeed a nice Idea.

That moment when you realise you f**ked up but you still want to look cool

http://i.imgur.com/rbdarCK.gif

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

NumberOne walks to the stage and takes the microphone, after clearing his throat he asks the following participants to come to the stage for an exciting session in the party:

Orsik, Madara & Uncle Joe

Will you kindly Join me on the Stage for a moment Please.

I would like you to select a number from 1 to 70 and tell it to me please.

Each One Select a Number Please

Orsik waddles towards the stage and sets his axe down. He walks up the stairs and looks out at the audience.

Uhh... I'll go with thirty seven.

Orsik looks around and hears a brief cricket chirp; then walks back to his spot.

Bob heard about a joke contest, so he showed up to get a good laugh. He gets a good laugh from Orisk's 37. After hearing many joke, Bob decided to get up and tell his own. He approaches the stage and grabs the mic.

"A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

Bob walks off stage to a rim shot.

Hearing NumberOne's request to join him on the stage a now very inebriated Uncle Joe made his way there to pick a number. Uncle Joe liked playing with Numbers.

On the stage Uncle Joe thought for a minute on which number he'd pick before hiccuping out the answer.

"I chose the number 26, hiccup"

Because it's a magical number, or so i've been told on multiple occasions, I'll go with 3.

you might be a redneck if...

1. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
2. Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
3. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
4. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
5. Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
6. You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.
7. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
8. You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
9. You have to make a chasis adjustment on your front porch 
10. the main course at potluck dinners is roadkill.

NumberOne thanks the three guys who came up to the stage and haven chosen 3 numbers, and then he takes the microphone back and says:

The Three Numbers Who Have Been Selected Resembles Numbers of Participants who Came to The Stage.

Everyone will be awarded 75,000 USD.

Let Us Congratulate SamTheJeremy, He Won 75,000 USD

Let Us Congratulate Adorkable, She Won 75,000 USD

Sadly, I knew that the third one was hit by a car once he came out of the party so he is dead. Hence His Prize will be kept away.

Thank You Everyone.

Please Continue Enjoying The Party.

An old lady, a poor schlub and a shop owner walk into their local Post Office.... Things don't end well.