The Las Vegas Post: Issue I

Editor's Note:

Good evening you big, beautiful, bantering, buxom, bacchanalian underworld. Allow me to introduce myself.: my name is Alexander Hamilton. If you haven't heard of me yet then- well, you have at least once, just now.

This missive was originally to be titled "The New York Post", but since I had to make a swift exodus from the Big Apple due to a midnight rendezvous with the governor's niece, I've changed the title to more accurately reflect my desert lodgings.

What's the porpoise of this newspaper? We're glad you asked.

What's the purpose this newspaper? I don't really know. It doesn't exist yet. So far it seems to be dolphin related puns. But honestly... well, it's to entertain, first and foremost, so if you're too touchy or can't take a joke or handle one man's opinion you may wanted to look elsewhere. Secondly, I suppose that informing people about what's going on won't be too bad. It's also a way for me to share my two cents with the world and hopefully bring in multiple generous tips, which is a great trade for a couple of pennies.

Let's see what's out there. 

OUR LEAD STORY: Detroit Destroyed by Dastardly Desert Debaters? Doubtful.

No doubt you are all aware of the leveling of all organized crime operations in the Motor City in recent days. Downtown Detroit's KateLogan, Corktown's MavisBeacon, and BlackBottom's GhostFaceJr, along with many of their family members, were gunned down in a planned attack by multiple cities.

Don Slash appeared in the streets to offer some perspective on the matter HERE

Let's skim through and find that juicy part we were going to report on.

Some of you might think this was some sort of power play, it wasn't. I loved KateLogan and I thought she was a tremendous assest to our world, it wasn't an easy choice to bring her down

A ha! I can see our new headline: "Slash loved Kate Logan's tremendous ass". Oh. Hmm. Something about her going down? No. Where the hell was it?

I know many of you are hoping I'll be going into some sort of detail on the reasoning, but frankly I wont be. Why? Because it makes no difference. Anything I say would be hated on by those that didnt want to see Detroit die, regardless of how real the threat was or not, everyone already has their own thoughts and opinions and my words wouldn't change that, but please feel free to approach me direct for an explanation if you so wish, my door is always open and I'm more than happy to chat with people about the choices we made.

THERE we go! The controversy! Slash preferred not to speak about the REAL reasons for the removal of Detroit, which we here at The Las Vegas Post have confirmed from MULTIPLE anonymous credit tip notes. The world, however, may not be prepared to hear it? Perhaps we should remain silent, to better preserve our own personal safety, and that of our publication? Nay, good reader. We have too much need for your money expressed in the form of tips respect for you to try to hide the truth from your discerning eyes. Simply send your tremulous orbs to the excerpt below, which we have attained at the risk of our own life and health:

Space-pole: Welcome to our secret, devious meetting, fellow Las Vegemites! We've done it! 

Artus: KateLogan and Detroit... are no more.

Disorder: And our secret plan to take over the Forum VIP list is now complete! Mwa ha ha ha! Now we shall get ALL the rewards from The Logan Review! Mwa ha ha ha! Oh crap- wait...

FitzChivalry: Nevermind that! Now the top spot in the rankings shall be mine! Mine! MINE! The bitch is finally gone!

Axel: Um... about that Fitz...

FitzChivalry: Really, Axel? Really? How many King of the Rings do I have to do to be #1?

Conn: WAIT... does anyone else feel kind of PARANOID right now? No? Just me? Okay.

CamillaBalistreri: I just... I don't like purple. Gold is much prettier. 

JaryllJicchai: Wait... I thought my last name ended with an "L"... how did I not notice this before? Has anyone else been calling me Jicchal in their heads? 

And there you have it: these highly competitive "Forum VIP Rankings" have once again, as always, led to nothing but bloodshed, competition, and violence. 

Tellurium Pines For The Cuddle Blanket Of A Dictator? No wait, she's anti-blanket? EVERYONE LOOK AT THE SHINY DISTRACTION

After a metaphor in which she compared men and women leading a life of crime to children needing structure and then using the word "regime" so often that BrotherHec probably passed out, Tellurium expressed her opinion that she enjoyed the current state of uncertainty before asking "Why do we need a regime for a cuddle blanket?"

And then lots of people said lots of stuff and eventually pretty much everyone got distracted and all started bitching at the same woman who showed up and said the same sort of stuff she said before and everyone basically forgot to respond to Tellurium.

I mean, I basically just saved you 15 minutes of your life, but I guess more people might respond later. So, if you're interested: HERE

Woltrazz Gets Shot: Drama Ensues

Woltrazz was killed along with a few of his high ranking members: that's an undisputed fact.

After that, things get a bit murkier, as someone named Fooltrazz, who seemed to really Not Like Tellurium, emerged with an impressive range of confusing insults, including "twatsicle" and  the "Aurora borealis of a leader, someone who is so bloated with gas it does not actually exist as a leader it just gets everyone else to believe they actually are a leader".

We could probably write an entire essay and quote several noted astrophysicists trying to figure out what Fooltrazz was trying to say with that last one. But whatever, moving on: he also said some stuff about Tellurium and her RHM having crappy guns.

BobbyMunson and Olympia- quickly showed up and told Fooltrazz he was wrong, denied everything, called out the lack of proof, and (accurately in this journalist's opinion) labeled the speaker a shit-stirrer. 

Then this happened, from BobbyMunson:

Get him on his knees, now. My great great great, not really sure how great he was but he was a great fuckin man and he was crewed in these parts. I always read in his journals about a badge his leader always wore. It read you fart, we swallow. It always intrigued me of what it was about. So let's try it out and we can talk about it after. 

With that Bobby dropped his trousers, and his associates slammed the fools mouth directly against his asshole as Bobby let a tremendous growl that sounded like a pissed of hungry hound that hadn't ate in a month. After he let the last little squeaky mouse go from his rear he buttoned him self up and turned to face the clown. He laughed when the clown let a burp out right after and wondered. 

Does it tastes as good as it was going down as it did coming back up? Here, you can wipe your lips up it looks like you have been sucking a Hershey kiss. So, do you have any insight for us about what this saying means? I can't be the only one interested. 

So to recap, the shit-stirrer got shit-sittered. 

A don from Los Angeles drops his pants in the streets and sharts into the mouth of an admittedly rubbish-spewing civilian.

Fantastic.

Don Munson seemed to be alluding to the "good old days" of some sort, but they were long before my time, so I can offer little insight there. However, I can quite confidently say that I'm glad I wasn't around then- and if we're trending back in that apparent direction, count me as extremely concerned about the future.

So there we all were, watching one of the most powerful men in our society plant his ass on the mouth of a ranting civilian. And then Tellurium showed up, commented on the don's penis, praised BobbyMunson for his actions, and told everyone to go home.

Artus and SisterMaryJane then appeared to seemingly offer support to BobbyMunson as well. 

Anyone ever heard the expression "an action is worth a thousand words"?

If you're interested, you can catch up on everything HERE

A Great Debate That Just Can't Wait: How do you deal with anonymous tips?

With so many people seemingly trying to stir the pot and stoke the fires of war, Fisk questions how leaders should respond to rumors and whispers. 

Contribute to this worthy debate HERE

Crewleaders Meet: MANY EXCITING UPDATES (do not occur. Hey, not every meeting is going to be earthshaking).

- There will be a countrywide newspaper now! Wait, really? Shit. Well, I guess that's an understandable response when you blow up the only newspaper printing business in the Six Cities. But capitalizing on the absence of that other paper was MY idea. Oh well. Potential competition? Bring it on!

- KateLogan is dead, so Slash will take over the role of high priest in communicating with the gods regarding the Passing the Baton Contest.

- Standard Universal Protection Order debated, but nothing changes. 

- Continued talk about cookies and/or biscuits. 

UPDATE: WAS THIS STRUCK DOWN BY THE GODS FOR MENTIONING SOMETHING INAPPROPRIATE? WE INTERVIEW ZEUS AND/OR ZUUL IN OUR NEXT ISSUE?

So that's pretty much it. You're welcome, again. But if you really want to: HERE

Other News In Brief:

BunBun throws Mansion Party, still approximately 13 mansions shy of @StripheGotti- but still a worthy endeavor HERE

Vincent_Costello lazily and vaguely asks "What have you seen?" and is that shat on (no, not literally, since we apparently need to make that distinction now) HERE

Axel notices the curious sight of a prison riot happening where lots of people are just silently staring HERE

"CHECK OUT THESE GUNS", several competitors of the King of the Ring competition hear as they are removed from the competition in a casket. Semi-finals, with a twist,  announced HERE

The Final Word

Thanks for reading. Feel free to tip me with money. Or lavish praise. 

Shit, we need something deep to end this.

Why don't you go look at the moon? It's pretty beautiful out there.

Well that didn't really fit the tone of the rest of the... What do you mean I'm running out of ink? Howthe hell could I be running out of

Samantha stood on the street throwing handfuls of cash at AlexanderHamilton while shouting, "SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!"

stands on the corner

EXTRA EXTRA!!

READ ALL ABOUT IT!!

"He then informs you that offers of sexual favors are not an acceptable form of tipping."

I would just like to publicly state that this is unequivocally false, although my acceptance does depend on the tipper. 

Drunky wakes up in the gutter and slowly wipes the vomit off of the side of his face where it rested on the ground.  He pulls his flask out of his pocket to take a drink but then realizes it's empty.  He sees the Newsman with a pile of National Enquirers newspapers and takes one off the top.

"This all happened since my last bender huh? Man, the world turns quick."

Drunky flips a coin to the newsman and goes to get shitcanned.

Well done me lad, well done. Keep up the excellent work. Though this pirate be barely able ter read, I be lookin' forward ter the next issue! 

After reading the paper a delivery boy takes a look up at the sky. Noticing it's still sunny out, he tucks the paper into his bag and makes off to start his daily run.

Entertaining to say the least. I'm sure the community is big enough for a couple papers.

Lacey pays and picks up 40 copies to bring back to the HQ.

 AlexanderHamilton i can not tell you how happy i am to see a universal paper brought back to our streets, i do look forward to reading every edition when it comes hot off the press. Its great to see that the apple hasn't fell far from the tree. 

Dare i say that you seem to have a better flare for it, its a very, very good read. So thank you for that. I had a few people ask me to feed back in at the Crew Leader meetings that they would love to see a paper back after the Death of Mrs Logan, so i know it will be well received. Its even sweeter that its coming out of vegas. 

Your accountant makes note that $500,000 has been wired to AlexanderHamilton from your account.

Just a little bit of a cash boost to help your publication get off the ground. 

She smiles as she reads the newest paper to hit the Streets and tucks it under her arm as she finishes.

Fantastic read, very informative. Thank you so much for your hard work. I do trust my accountant has been in touch with in regards to some financial support for your new venture. I can't wait for the next edition.

Decides to give up smoking next week instead and enjoys a coffee and her 32nd cigarette for the day at a coffee shop, reading the paper...

knows it is un-lady like but cannot bear the thought of walking across the street again in these particular painful heels so shouts....

I like the newspaper!! There is energy and humour here and even some twists you have chosen to adapt as part of your editorial style. I will be buying some more for the HQ shortly once....my feet recover some!

Smiles as she hears about her favorite stalker shouting in the streets yet again and makes a mental note to send him a reply soon to his little love letters and gifts...

Daniella was excited to see the new newspaper when she reached her favorite breakfast spot that morning. She quickly sat down with a cup of coffee to read it over, finding herself laughing loud enough to draw attention at some points. She had been a huge fan of Ms. Logan's newspaper and it was refreshing to see someone pick up the trade so quickly, in nearly the same style and with the same banter and wit as Ms. Logan had showed. It was quite a refreshing read. 

She made a mental note to pick up some more newspapers for the HQs and to send some funds Mr. Hamilton's way for his amazing work.