You notice a svelt looking man place his coffee in the trash can as he leaves a newspaper on the park bench. You couldn't fail to notice his impeccable taste and that he clearly lifts, this guy has great taste. You wonder to yourself "What could he possibly be reading that had a man of such fine taste so enthralled and clearly running off to make a very sizable and significant donation to such a sexy editor?". Yes, you have a great train of thought like that especially when being mind controlled to within an inch of your life.

Then you see it. The visible excitement waves over your body as your knees go weak. It's true. It's back. It's here. It's... The Potato!

~* Chicago's Cleverest Cunningest Chronicles *~

 

 The Potato

Kind of like The Onion, if The Onion were a potato and more potatoey

 

Price: As much as you can possibly afford. Seriously!

Registered Charity Donations: 7bce3ed8d9d3c7c0dbade0283e51028e

You settle back into the bench ready to read the latest installment of everyone's seventeenth most popular paper to ever hit these shores, which narrowly beats out the infamous 'Gwarble Barble' into eighteenth and last place. You can see Richard_Sharpe giving you nasty looks with each further action you take, but you think "Screw that guy" and continue working your firm round buttocks into a nice warm ass groove on the seat as you think "You're not the boss of me, Dick".

Then you start to wonder, what the hell is this thing? Where did it come from? Is this just TsuDhoNimh once again looking to abuse and take swipes at his friends and some strangers behind the protection of "free speech for the media"? You quickly realize the answers are "A terrible newspaper", "I found it on a bench a second ago, wow, how did I forget that so quickly. I need to lay off the booze at 9 in the morning" and "Yes. Of course it is. That jerk is doing it again". You then spot an open letter from the editor that might explain things even better.

Letter From The Editor

TsuDhoNimh

So here we are! 

You called for it, we listened.

You wanted a newspaper filled with breaking news, we've decided to give you one filled with lies, stuff we made up, innuendo and dirty jokes.

You wanted something produced by the best editor the six cities had to offer. Sadly Lillith said "Fuck off Satanta, I'm eating bacon. If you bother me again without giving me a bottle of Crown I'm going to bite your face" and seven stitches to the nose later it was decided to leave poor Lillith alone and I should produce it myself. 

Like, how hard could making a paper be? It's not like anyone really reads this stuff anyway, is it? Ohhh, you're still reading? Sorry about that. I mean, welcome to our new newspaper that will provide you with up to date news, gossip, stories and a place to donate your hard earned cash so that the editor doesn't have to hit the local post office again this week.

So you're probably thinking "Isn't this what your kind always does Tsu? Wait for a huge war, then when you're finally not so lazy write a load of stuff about nothing at all in an effort to poke fun at people and abuse them?". Yes. You're 100% correct. Now that we're on the same page there we can get on with the fun. Then you think "Wait a second. If you're friendly with Bonkers and have been known to tolerate FitzChivalry for more than a few moments at a time, isn't this just going to turn into a propaganda machine?". That's where you'd be wrong my good Potadites (that's totally a word, you heard it here first).

Good ol' Fitz and Bonky are well capable of keeping the spin going without any of my help. My motives here are different. My motives here are noble. I'm here to slowly, painfully and awkwardly document their eventual and ultimate demise. From a position today of utter domination, I'm totally overplaying this to ensure I'm putting nice big targets on their heads, we all know one day their time will come to meet their makers. I want to be able to point and laugh when I tell their ghosts "Told you so!" and point to some spurious article in The Potato as the root cause of their eventual collapse. I would ask however that you don't tell them that. I'm totally planning on trying to get a few million dollars in donations from both to support this paper and its increasing alcohol dependent staff, so keep shhh on the details until I've had a few paydays. 

If there is someone you'd like to see abused in The Potato just contact our diligent staff today letting us know who the intended target would be, what manner of abuse would be most desired and how large a bribe you're willing to make to achieve your goals. We kindly accept all major cash donations, credit donations and a select number of nudes depending on the week in question.

The Potato, you know it's 100% true because we made it up ourselves.

~Tsu~

New Frontiers

TsuDhoNimh

I almost resisted the urge to call this one "The Cities of The Damned" as I actually am quite a fan of the idea(s) put in place there, but I simply couldn't hold it back and not share. I'd also thought about using "The Wild West" as a decent ol' analogy with a hint of titillating alliteration. I avoided that one, though, as some smart ass was sure to point out that Philadelphia was on the East coast (it is on the East coast, right?) and deeply wound my ohhh so fragile confidence *flexes dramatically while typing to reach the publication deadline, which happened to coincide with the pub opening time*. I did, however, strongly feel we needed something that sounded an awful lot less irritating, annoying and awful than "annexed cities". That name just sucks.

Ladies, gentleman and MonsterHair, today I present to you all the "The New Frontiers". You're welcome to donate kindly and wildly each time you use this newly coined phrase brought to you exclusively by the team here at The Potato. 

"What are the New Frontiers?" I can imagine you think as you read your morning paper and consider just how large a donation you're going to make to this papers wonderful editor. The New Frontiers are the open cities of Los Angeles, Detroit and Philadelphia. Traditional authing structures have been thrown aside, normal rules and requirements flung out the window as we entered an exciting new phase where new faces and new bloodlines were afforded the opportunity to step up and take on the demands of running a family of their own. Cosa nostra isn't normally a forgiving place, so how would these new souls get on?

Surprisingly well actually.

Disappointing, I know. We haven't seen any of the new leaders fall, we haven't seen any internal power struggles emerge (yet) and we haven't seen any manage to piss off outside families enough to land them in the local morgue. Disgusting, I know. Seriously, what the hell is everyone playing at? Are you all sitting around camp fires singing kumba-fucking-ya or something?

There have been quite a number of attempted hits, especially on younger hands that have just taken up positions for these new families. Most of this has been written off in chatter as "Salty bastards looking for a thrill after the war" but could there be more of a strategy in place? Could some of this be the emergence of power struggles in the New Frontiers? We've honestly no idea. If you do, let us know.

So what's actually happening there?

Well, that's a good question and one that we're able to dig a little deeper into day by day.

To get the ball rolling we had the first announcement of the idea to the general public. This sparked a bit of intelligent and civil discussion, which can be a rare thing at times, and produced quite a bit of interest in the whole thing. Basic rules, criteria and thresholds were set out and all kicking off to a pretty great start, perhaps.

Following this, we have details of a meeting carried out between upper structure members from around the six cities. At it, the details of the New Frontiers (sadly at the time still referred to as the annexed cities by a shockingly terrible reporter who attended the meeting. He should be ashamed of himself and his poor wordsmithing) were discussed and outlines provided of what was needed to keep families in favour and what would lead to them falling out of favour. They had to be making positive contributions to this thing of ours, not simply turning up. It was explained in detail that this didn't solely mean activity on the streets, though that is one potential way to make a contribution when done in the right way. 

Next up we then see some guidance being offered to new leaders in cosa nostra in public. This one goes a lot further into outlining the expectations of leaders. Shockingly enough, they're going to be expected to lead?!?! I know, it sounds unbelievable, but those are the crazy expectations being placed upon those donning those new bold suits. If they aren't leading and making positive contributions they can begin to start expecting to die. Does this trend suggest some families were approaching falling out of favor? Does it suggest some were already out of favor and just didn't know it yet? Does it suggest that the Godfathers simply hadn't got around to providing this information earlier and were simply putting it out there so everyone was aware of it? That last one sounds a bit dull, so let's hope it's not that. I'm going to say it was someone was already on the chopping block. That one should definitely sell the most papers, so yeah. Someone could clearly expect to wake up to a horses head in the bed any day now.

Finally, we find a guide to what happens when you've totally screwed up that focuses on various options of 'leaving' the New Frontiers system. Most of these options ending with the fishes. Are you noticing a trend here? I'm noticing a trend here. Things certainly seem to be moving in the one direction. With districts filling up and spaces becoming more valuable, we're seeing a certain trend towards killing the lower performers rather than rewarding the higher. I'm not picky. I think both carrot and stick can work in the right scenario but are we approaching a point where both the carrot and the stick are about to be used to bludgeon poor leaders to death? We can only live in hope... and I really do hope so. Muahahahahaha. Sorry. That slipped out.

For any new leaders that are worried or traumatized by this article please be aware The Potato is here to help. Should you send us a higher donation that your competitors.... I mean New Frontier colleagues, we'll go out of our way to producing articles that make you look far less of a questionable leader than we otherwise might have. While the city leaders will be making the final decisions, we here at The Potato will be influencing and flooding their heads with propaganda right up until your final moments.... we mean their final decisions. Hurry, make your donations now (while you still can. Dun dun dunnnnn)!  

In The Name Of The Godfather

TsuDhoNimh

This thing of ours is all about structure and leadership. Those at the top give the orders, the orders filter down to the soldiers, the soldiers carry them out without question. It's a simple system but has one vital element that's very important. The person at the top sure as hell better be making the right decisions. Leadership is vitally important to the health and vibrancy of our cities, our businesses and the quality of lives within our cities. In cosa nostra, the head of that leadership is the Godfather. However we might seek to structure individual cities or even districts, using underbosses or captains, at the top there will no doubt be a Godfather. They're the shot caller. They're the boss. In today's case, they're most definitely the big cheese!

In recent days we've seen a new name join the ranks of elite, with mouseycop claiming her place as the rightful Godfather of South Side Chicago. This woman has an inspirational work ethic, a pleasant disposition, a friendly nature, a nurturing heart and a communication style that can only be described as excessive.

Excellent? Are you sure? I don't know. Between herself and Teo I can hardly get a word in between them. Me, and shure I never shut up. I'm pretty sure excessive works here too but fair enough. 

Sorry... and a communication style that can only be described as excellent. She looks after her family, she looks after her district and she looks after her city as if each life was special to her in a way that contrasts starkly with the normal rough and tumble of our way of life. Her journey to the top has always been epitomized by her bonds and close allies. Whether it's the daily walks with Rubix and Solar, the pillow fights with Daniella or the frequent games of spin the bottle with Reggie...

Have we had anyone fact check these details? Where did they come from? Reggie? How many drinks did he have on him? Might have guessed. No no, it's fine. I'm sure they're straight from the bank.

... her love for her closest friends and family is as secure as our knowledge that these details provided are completely fictitious. Reports suggest there might still be some sore heads from the party that rocked the South Side, but it's sure not to be the last celebration for this little mouse.

With this event, the number of recognizable Godfathers active in our cities has expanded by 50%. We're still short more leaders at the highest tier of this thing of ours, but if high quality is more important than large quantity then we're well on the right track.

We here at The Potato are sure we'll see more taking that next step on the ladder to success as our way of life continues to adapt and evolve following the recent wars. 

The Alternative Facts

TsuDhoNimh

Here at The Potato, there's nothing we like more than the alternative facts. Far too long have the print media, our good selves included, been constrained and inhibited in achieving all our glory by silly things like details, facts, and the truth. Now, in a time of alternative facts, we have put the world on notice and will be bringing you all the latest ALTERNATIVE FACTS.

Guys, do we really have to call it that? Can we not just say it's lies, made up stuff and whatever rumors we heard down in the public restrooms this morning? No? Fair enough.

We're going to have alternative facts. So many alternative facts. Great alternative facts. We're going to build a great, great wall from the alternative facts and we're going to have TylerDurden pay for it. 

Chicago

Questions have been circulating all around Chicago recently about the rapid changes happening there. There are lots of rumors and nobody is quite sure of the truth or the reasons for any of it. One thing can't be denied, the alternative facts. It's clear to see that every senior female member of cosa nostra is running away from Bonkers as fast as humanly possible. Most seem to be congregating on the South Side of the city, with all eyes now turning to RosabellaCorti to see when she will join this mass exodus. 

Are the rumors of his wandering hands true? Has Daniella simply organized the largest pillow fight of all time and isn't inviting the boys? Or is there something more sinister at play here and is Rubix finally marking his territory? 

We reached out to mouseycop for her thoughts on the rumors, but when she started throwing empty bottles of wine at us we thought it best for our safety to leave. Instead, we reached out to RosabellaCorti to get her thoughts on the matter:

<Rose> *shakes her head*
<Rose> Signore, I can't comment as to why anyone else left out of this district, that's business, but I assure you Godfather Bonkers has been a gentleman the entire time I have been here.
<Rose> We ALL have a little craziness inside us.
<Rose> And for the record I am still here in his district. So not Every female has fleed! No!

The lady has a good point. We'd like to correct our earlier statement and say "It's clear to see that every sane senior female member of cosa nostra is running away from Bonkers as fast as humanly possible".

Detroit

It's exciting times in Motor City. With new faces, new families and streets full of incredible traffic having Detroit most certainly living up to its name. Rumors have circulated that some feel the congestion on the streets might be causing a little too much noise and that it's the quality of the traffic we should be looking for rather than the volume of it, but we're sure this is something that will play itself out in time.

Interest in the New Frontier cities has never been higher and with Detroit leading the way with the highest number of residents attention on this city was always going to be high. Can Vincent__costello, already sporting a completely full twenty man headquarters and looking like the early shining star, continue his good pace or will that rapid expansion start to expose cracks? Will BlackJack push the house edge or will it finally be time to bust? These are exciting days indeed.

When we reached out to local residents, new leader oRagnar had this to say:

<oRagnar> I believe things are moving in the right direction. I've been very happy with...
<oRagnar> Tsu? Please put that down. No. Don't urinate there!
<oRagnar> Seriously Tsu, how drunk are you right now?

We think he really captured the feelings of the entire city in those few words.

Las Vegas

What happens in Vegas, stays on your medical records for good. Don't listen to the tourist lies, that shit hangs around!

Most of the chatter around Vegas this week was surprised and shock residents wondering what happened. Disorder hadn't killed everyone. That really wasn't his style. Some worried he might be sick, some that he might be older than death itself and it was finally catching up with him and, most worryingly, many thought that he might be following LuciusSweet and becoming an almost life like inanimate statue.

The real truth brought to you officially by The Potato is that Disorder spent most of the week occupied trying to help MonsterHair recover from the absolute pounding he took all week to House.

When asked for comment on his new relationship and his discomfort when sitting, MonsterHair was quick to retort:

<HairMonster> I'm due a big win really, all I need is proper funding
<HairMonster> 4805764e6ff88dfffdad179b42724aa9
<HairMonster> official donations code for gambler's anonymous

Spoken like a true Vegas addict resident. It is rumored that it was MonsterHair's losses that have funded the new high stake bets that have just been made available from the House.

With Kathryn taking on a new bold suit, a move received by the vast majority as a fantastic call, and everything in Vegas proceeding in an organized and orderly fashion there really isn't a whole lot to be said. You're sickening really. Give us something to talk about you feckers!

(Having given them the pundits curse, tune in next week for the full breakdown on the Vegas Civil War [Act II])

Los Angeles

Another brave city bravely at the forefront of the New Frontiers, Los Angeles has been a hive of activity as fresh-faced new leaders try to grasp the opportunity with both hands. Except for CookieSandwich, of course. She has both hands firmly grasping her cookies.

When asked for a comment on the situation and her experiences in the city of angels in the last few days Anteros (over)shared:

<Anteros> There might or might not have been a naked hot tub party
<Anteros> Where naked entry to the tub might or might not have been mandatory
<Anteros> This certainly might or might not have resulted in one crew member being bound and gagged in a closet at the HQ for several hours for being shy about getting his kit off
<Anteros> Most of LA have collectively agreed however that Huehuecoyotl had good reason to be shy about removing his shorts

We'll let you all know next week how LAs ongoing rebranding to Sin City is taking shape. 

I'd like extra credit for avoiding the obvious "Is that a phallic shape?" joke there too.

New York

After much chaos in recent times in the big apple, where wearing a bold suit was much like playing fatal game of musical chairs, we've finally found some stability. Everyone is getting back to business and things are nice and quiet. Super quiet. I actually think most of them are asleep. We reached out to a number of individuals wearing one of a variety of special suits before we finally managed to get some inside information on New York and how their week has been:

<MissNiki-> New York held it's first competition with brand new shop keeps opening up in the business district.
<MissNiki-> One true standout was Antonio_Maldonado with his shop His and Her's Suits, Dresses, And Accessories.
<MissNiki-> Running in a close second was Sairia's Sweets; Bakery and Confectionary, ran by the beautiful Sairia
<MissNiki-> Following up the pack was the King's District Distillery - Andrei_Morello runs that joint.

What? Are we doing advertising now? How much are we getting paid for this? Nothing? Seriously? 

It's always great to see business people with a real flair for their business and able to spot a soft touch who'll offer up free advertising space in such a premium publication.

Touché MissNiki-, touché.

Philadelphia

Sometimes, we make mistakes.

Sometimes, things go wrong.

I'm not talking about Philadelphia, the last of our New Frontiers. The city has been expanding quickly and all seems relatively hunky doory in the city of brotherly love.

Which, again, is disgusting. You guys really need to give me shit to write about here. All this "lets hold hands" and sing songs together while braiding pigtails junk isn't going to help shift papers you know. Have a fight. Throw something. Shag someone's sister!

We're speaking here about journalistic integrity and honest mistakes. In preparing for this section I reached out to Argyle. Yes, the sexy one. I got what can only be described as the greatest interview ever carried out on these streets of ours. Ever. There were tears, there was bloodshed, there were fourteen penguins and at least six raccoons. There was love, betrayal, and treachery and that was only what happened between Argyle and I before the interview started.   

<Argyle> Hey, <insert clever shit here>

As you can probably guess, I spilled a pint over my notes. After being gifted the single greatest interview of all time, you'd have been very impressed by the length... including all the secrets to love, life and war... a beer dashed our hopes of sharing this with the world. I'd never seen a man do a better job of putting their emotions into words. 

I'd ask everyone to be extra nice to Argyle this week and he may be willing to share even just a snippet of the previous interview with us once again.

Mashed Potato Awards

JohnDoe

As a guiding light in all things cosa nostra throughout the six cities, we here at The Potato HQ feel a certain responsibility to our loyal and generous *cough*donate or tip you cheap fuckers*cough* readers. As we're absolutely awesomesauce, we want to help clean up the streets in each of our beautiful cities. At times these streets can get clogged with litter. Empty cans of spam, noise pollution that would wound a bat's ears and the ill-thought ramblings of people clearly under the influence of some incredibly powerful mind-altering substances all make our streets a nasty place to be at times. With our new Mashed Potato Awards we're bringing you one hell of a tidy towns competition.

We've done the research, we've studied the numbers and we think we've cracked it. How do you clean up litter? Is it by putting rubbish in a bin? No. Is it by punishing or shooting the litter bugs? Well, maybe, but not today. Is it by keeping our streets active and full of enthusiastic residents that will keep the place clean? Doubtful.

What? That's the one we're going with? Really? It's the only one we could get permission for from our insurance company? Fuck sake. Right. Lets get on with it then. 

The Mashed Potato awards will seek to reward friends of ours and even associates who go out of their way to bring positive contributions to our streets. They will look to reward those who keep a strong focus and interest on our footpaths, aiding them in avoiding all those nasty empty cans of spam. This is all about the quality of the contribution, not the quantity of it. If you're aiming for a quantity with it, please do expect to get copious abuse in next week's paper. We went easy this week, but you've now been warned.

What will you be rewarding you're obviously thinking to yourself as random threats roll off the newsprint? 

Best story - We live an exciting life and these tales of our trials and tribulations often get shared. The one sharing the best story related to this thing of ours, that impresses our judges with its quality and execution will be awarded a Mashed Potato! <inhale with excitement now>

Best discussion - Stories are all well and good, but the real value and where we learn and develop our skills is when we talk to others about matters of our way of life. We'll be awarding the person who starts the most interesting discussion on our streets this week a coveted Mashed Potato <inhale with excitement again>

Best opinion - A discussion without replies is like a gun without bullets. Less deadly unless you slap someone with it repeatedly in the face. The person who provides the best reply to a discussion will be receiving a... wait for it... Mashed Potato! <You can lay off the weird breathing now, we don't want you to hyperventilate or anything>

Best unique contribution - Creativity is hard to beat. You need a really really big stick to even try. This is an award, a special Mashed Potato award, for the most unique and creative contribution we spot on the streets. <Do you smoke? I'm starting to worry about your breathing now. You sound like Rubix with a new bone>

Each prize winner will receive their priceless, seriously nobody would pay you a penny for these things, Mashed Potato.

There will also be credits given out to award winners and perks, but the Mashed Potato is where all the real glory is.

The judge's decisions will be final, we don't care if you agree or disagree but if you're feeling all ranty about it please do drop the editor a line so he can laugh his ass off at you for being a total douche. Now, let's help get these streets straightened out and cleaned up a little!   

Jobs Board

TsuDhoNimh

The world is no place to try and go it alone. Without a family, you die. A thriving media empire is a lot like a family. It smells like wet cabbage. It doesn't react well if you try and poop near it. It gets pretty angry if you try and kick it in the nuts. The parallels are startling really. In order for it to function it needs people with incredible talent. 

As I have no talent, that means the paper needs you!

Have gossip for a story?

Have something you want to get off your chest but don't have the balls to say it yourself?

Have something you want to reach a large audience with and fear nobody will listen if they know it's your idiotic thoughts?

Want to simply be a part of the greatest paper to have hit the streets ever (or at least today) The Potato? 

If so, get in touch. We need reporters, researchers, photographers, sketch artists, and groupies. We're especially low on groupies at the moment, so all applicants for that position will be given the highest priority and my own personal attention. If you are interested in working with The Potato, get in touch with the editor today! 

Still clutching her head from the party that rocked south side, she held up a bottle and threw it towards TsuDhoNimh .

"You misspelled Whiskey you pile of potatoes... Love you!"

Laughing quite a bit she turned and hastened away towards her academy to make sure no one was starting fires again.

A stack of freshly pressed Potato newspapers find their way to the headquarters of the Shady Syndicate, leading to the amused chuckle emitting from the crew leader's office from time to time. Eventually, he allows his insanity to surface as he rambles to himself...

"Now this is a quality news outlet. Actual content yet supplemented with wet, dripping humor. This blend of satire and information is a delicious combination that I hope to savor as often as possible." 

Constantine was seated in a dive of an apartment he called his home away from home, legs kicked up on a makeshift coffee table consisiting of some cardboard boxes and a bit of a neighbour's fence.

He was leaning back on the apartments only form of seating, a cigarette burn riddled sofa, to such a degree he was practically horizontal. He woke up like that most nights after a long work day.

He called it work but who really knew what the hell he did. Obviously it didn't pay well is what most would think if they saw the place he hung his provrrbial hat every night.

The ash of a burning cigarette that hung out of the side of his mouth dropped onto the page of The Potato he was reading, as Constantine let out a chuckle. He then turned the page with a quick flick of the wrist, also sending charred remains of the tobacco stick onto the floor.

More chuckles followed as he continued to indulge in the newspaper offering out of Chicago.

SadPanda sees his good friend TsuDhoNimh walking around the streets with a few papers in hand. He walks over and grabs a copy slipping him a hundred dollar bill. Panda knows from his chats with TsuDhoNimh that the paper will be a fantastic read. He takes it over to a park bench and pops a squat. He reads for some time after each section he takes a drink from his flask. 

When he finishes he walks back over towards TsuDhoNimh and says

"Hey, great read. It was really what I needed to start the day right. Here in a bit someone will show up with a few dollars to help make sure this thing is a lasting success." 

Panda then walked towards a small crowd of people reading the paper. 

"Ladies and Gentlemen. If you are going to read the paper I can assume you also have the ability to count. So reach into your pocket count out some bills and give them to the man. He deserves it for all of his hard work." 

With the the panda walked away. 

While I agree that this a quality publication Shady_Sam, can you explain what the actual newsworthy content is? To me it’s mainly a confirmation that we slowly grow into a cuddly society where we have pyjama parties and hit each other on the head with feathery pillows after having munched on blue-berry brownies while sitting in a with soft foam filled bathtub with our rubber ducks. I reckon our colleagues in the old land must laugh their ass of as to how we developed here in America. It won’t take long for the first shopowners to kick us out of their stores when these happy faces come to collect protection money.

The good thing is that the chief editor recognized that himself as well and I hope with him that there will be more substantial things to report on in the future. I almost got happy though when I got a little insight in our latest Godmother mouseycop, until I read that all the details where fictitious. There is room for an in-depth interview on that topic though if I may suggest something.

If anything this publication shows the great potential this format has and that the concept has a qualified team working on it. With curiosity I look forward to future editions.
 

Suddenly, Shady_Sam found himself in conversation with JaryllJicchai ,when he was enjoying a morning cup of Joe and the paper all nestled away into his cozy office. The details in the end, matter little. 

"If the paper came out a couple of weeks prior, then by such definition it would have been exploded with the sort of content you desire, if I am following you correctly. In the aftermath of the war, I suspect there won't be as much breaking stories beyond what has already been made public in the streets. But news does not always have to relay 'new' content, in a sense. For example, the format of the newspaper leads paper-trails to its source material from which it draws, which otherwise may not have received attention in the first place. Advertisement, as the editor called it, can bring 'new news' to those who either missed out on the information or were just simply unaware. 

No doubt there's room for improvement, such as formal interviews and securing exclusive information and rumors to begin peddling around. I personally don't believe we're having a snuggle-party and sharing a feel-good time, we are in a recovery stage after a brutal and devastating conflict. There is a distinct difference, in my mind. A little healing with humor can go a long ways." 

Removing a pack of cigarettes from his coat pocket, he opens the container to offer one towards JaryllJicchai before taking one for himself, lighting both if the man decided to take one. 

"With a proper staff, I can only see this newspaper reaching the level of excellence we hope it to achieve. You do have a valid point, JaryllJicchai, but I believe such will improve greatly in the next edition. Our feedback as readers will adjust the editor's plans according! Hopefully. If you throw enough money his way, perhaps."

Philip walks down the streets of Chicago and manages to bump into TsuDhoNimh. The two catch up and Philip slips his hand onto one of the paper's Tsu's carrying around. Philip slips him a two hundred dollar bill in it's place and starts to glance over the paper.

Quite an interesting read here, while it may not entirely be factual not many other publications are either. Good to see you trying something new and I can see it going places with some dedication.

Philip casually converses with Tsu as he glances over the paper. He takes his stroll back towards the airport just in time to catch his flight back to Los Angeles.

She hears word that a new paper, THE new paper, had FINALLY hit the Streets. Pushing her copy of "Bacon Lovers' International" aside and emptying the glass of fine Canadian rye whiskey beside her she smiled. Yep, time to get some fresh air and go for a walk. Asking one of her loyal security team if they knew where she could get a copy he mentioned the dirty newsstand around the corner may have a few copies left. Shaking her head she checks the weather and meanders out the door. 

Coming across the newsstand she sees one last copy of The Potato sitting there. The comers a little torn, but no matter. If it sucked she could always use it to line her cat's litter box. She purchased the paper for a nickle and found her way to a quiet place to sit... Quiet until she hears TsuDhoNimh boisterously bragging about his publication and sputtering on about the scar he was going to end up with after so rudely interrupting the "she demon" Lillith. Choosing to ignore the whining she decides it may be best to read this in the privacy of her sitting room over a cup of tea. 

For the better part of an hour Lillith intently read the paper, making notes and smiling as she did...

"Yes, yes... Oh really? He thinks so? Wow." she said to herself as she read the paper.

"He should know better. Never get between a Canadian woman who has just received a gift pack from home and her bacon. Fool. I hope he has a huge scar. It's been AGES since I had a nice sip of rye... Fucker..." 

She notices her cat staring at her with a quizzical gleam in its eyes, silently mocking her in the way all cats mock their humans. "Oh shut up you. I gave you milk this morning. Be off with you, find a mouse or something to entertain yourself with."

She picks up her notepad again and starts to write a note to her pal...

"Dearest Satanta,

Your paper was very entertaining. A great read. Surprising really. I know that our last encounter left you scarred for life in more was than one. I apologize for biting your face. You didn't deserve it... Okay, you did, but I think we've both learned something from this. You've learned not to interrupt a feasting Canadian and I've learned that you really don't taste that good. Might I suggest a shower? 

All in all you did a fantastic job, thank you for giving me something to entertain myself with. I may even give it a second read before the cat gets its turn.

Love and cookies,

Lil"

She tucks the letter in an envelope and seals it. She heads into the kitchen and grabs a small box of a stack of other small boxes. 

"Yep, he deserves a brownie for this!!!" she packs up the brownie and hands it to one of her favourite brawny men standing outside her door with instructions to bring the gift to TsuDhoNimh's home away from home, the local animal shelter. 

Huehuecoyotl looked livid as he entered the HQ with a stash of a new publication under his arm...as he flung copies into the faces of those enjoying their breakfast of bacon, eggs and scotch on the rocks he shrieks in a pitch that is a little too girly for a man of his stature..

Did you really HAVE to mention my lacking in the downstairs department Boss?!

She listened as several tried to muffle sniggers around the room...grabbing a copy and another Scotch she settles down to have a read....it was witty, it was funny, it was satirical, she loved it! Her memory drifted back to reading in journals of the late great Kate Logan who had a publication and how many had tried to follow in her footsteps and failed, but hers had been a style all of her own and one could never hope to replicate that. This publication had something about it, it wasn't trying to replace something passed it had a personality and energy all of its own. She made a note to ensure she purchased the next publication and to also watch her mouth when talking about her members members in public.

Turning to Huehuecoyotl she said

Now then about your little problem, we have the big boys here so let's have another little look shall we?

She tried to hide a smile as she beckoned Gabriel Wraak and Don_Fabio over to her as he rolled his eyes and reluctantly began to drop his trousers again for the 4th time so far today....she gave a cheeky wink to ayakari as she spotted her peeping over the top of the newspaper hoping to catch a glimpse too..

To all those that have expressed a confidence and belief that the publication shall go on to bigger and better things, I'd like to say two words sincerely from the very bottom of my heart with every fiber of my being.

Yeah. Right. 

I've no idea what I've done to so wildly skew your expectations, but this is incredibly unlikely to happen. If we can manage to stick to the levels of inept mediocrity established in this first issue I'll have pleasantly surprised even the most negative voices in my head to who I most normally just say "No, we're not shooting at them and stealing their money. No, it's not because I'm a goody two shoes you arrogant fuck, it's because that's a pigeon".

To all the kind words, I thank each of you from the bottom of my heart.

That's mostly just you Shady_Sam, so you're a shoe in for leader of the week next week! 

mouseycop, after the debauchery that was the South Side over the last few days I'm quite impressed I managed to recognize it as a bottle. I'll be honest and admit we were guessing as to the contents, the general feeling being you might not have risked wasting any whiskey. We stand corrected, you big dare devil you!

JaryllJicchai, I'm guessing you didn't get an invite to Daniella's pillow party either? I fell for you. It hurts. It stings.   

If it helps, we're having our team of artists sketch up pictures of what it might have probably could'a looked like to hang on the office walls here at The Potato HQ. We're told we'll need some additional canvas to fully include Reggie in all his glory, but we're not even sure what that means so I'm mostly just nodding and smiling here pretending I understand what's happening.

More seriously, I look at this as a line in the sand. I'll happily use the freedom of the presses to bitch slap a leader doing a poor job, to call out crap I don't personally agree with or to highlight what I believe to be important issues in our world when they come to light. I won't include something dull for the sake of having something serious in the content, it just isn't how I'd ever work.

The way in which I'll handle a story, whether it's with light brevity and a jovial nature or with a firm hard stance will depend entirely on the situation at hand. I'd loved to have done an in-depth behind the scenes look at mouseycop's triumphant rise to the top, but having only just recently arrived back on our shores I was ill equipped to do it single-handedly. I'd love to have been able to reach out to others and try to fill in the gaps and gather a complete picture, but I wouldn't expect others to put in the level of legwork required to build out a complete story without them first offering to do so. I did nudge a few to try and dig deeper but, due to previous commitments and existing constraints, they were unable to provide enough detail to paint the picture in time to meet our incredibly tight publishing deadlines. If I didn't do it straight away I'd forget to do it at all. 

This is all partly my fault as I didn't allow enough time to seek those contributions, everything was thrown together in a very tight single evening, and partly as anything covering historical events would have required a relatively speaking excessive amount of legwork. It's different covering recent events, though having just had a relatively quiet week there wasn't a whole lot to dive into there. I could have gone to town on the new faces, but other than slapping a few for mistakes which is unfair and judging them on too little too soon there isn't even a whole lot to cover there in-depth.

If you'd care to put in the type of legwork suggested into producing an in-depth look at an aspect of our lives I'd truly love to see that *cough*Disorder*cough*. I say that whether you provide it to The Potato so we can grow rich off your hard work and sweat or whether you're simply releasing the information to the general public. The streets need to see more of it for sure. It helps our community learn and evolve and I'd champion anyone with the ambition, the determination and the intelligence to help make it happen. It's the type of thing that would have a Mashed Potato smeared all over it. 

I'll nod and agree with each of the comments you made. I'll also ignore them entirely and return to abusing people in an instant. I didn't even get around to attacking Sinfest or Orange this week. That shows just how demanding a task it really is!     

Recovering from a minor illness, Kathryn was practically tearing off the wallpaper due to her forced inactivity. Her bodyguard, Jack, brought her a copy of a new publication to try to distract her. And it did- at least briefly. Walking to her desk, she scratched out a quick note to the editor, resolving to do better next time.

TsuDhoNimh,

This was an enjoyable read; I look forward to reading your next issue. As for your kind words about me? Your check is in the mail.

K

Supernova quickly took one last hit from his joint before tossing it somewhere onto the ground. He heard a few people chatting over by a local newspaper stand. He loved a nice read, especially when he was high. He made his way over to the stand to see if he could purchase today's issue. After reading the paper, he told the distributor to relay a short message to the editor, TsuDhoNimh.

I gotta say, I really have enjoyed reading this paper. The tone you took here, was great. I'm looking forward to see what is to come of it in the future. On top of all that, it's called The Potato. I think you just created a masterpiece my friend. And I thank you for it.