~* Chicago's Cleverest Cunningest Chronicles *~

 

 The Potato

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Letter From The Editor

TsuDhoNimh

You all disgust me!

Once again you've all let me down. I've lower my expectations to the gutter, but you still manage to sneak in under them. Not one war. Not one brutal rampage. Not one decent rant of maniacal proportions. It's as if you're all trying to drive my poor little publishing empire into the ground.

Instead, you're going to have to make do with reporting on "good" things and "nice" things. Jerks! You've brought this on yourselves and I hope you each batter yourselves to death with your copy of The Potato to ensure we've got better shit to write about next week. We went out of our way to drag (pun intended) ol' (Future Don) Keypunch out of retirement for your amusement and this is how you repay us? Screw you guys.

Welcome to The Potato, now with added salt.

~Tsu~

Dropping The Batton

TsuDhoNimh

A perfect opportunity to start the week with a bang was missed over the weekend when each of the six cities missed their opportunity to dominate the Pass The Batton competition by launching surprise attacks on the others. With so many of the entries relying on key personnel, some strategic strikes could have decimated the competition and all but guaranteed victory for anyone willing to step up to the plate. 

Instead, you all let is slip by without so much as a shot fired in anger. You swapped sure victory and a chance to train your shiny little gun for damn hard work, investing of effort and backing your wits to outmaneuver your competition. I'm hoping you're already seeing your horrific mistakes there without me having to point it out to you. I'm simply pointing it out so I can ridicule you for it. 

So, seeing as you were all so confident in how you could do... let's see how you actually did, shall we? 

The Loop, Chicago: These guys got off to a terrific start as it looked like they'd finally kill ol' Bonkers. Sadly, the wily ol' devil managed to flip their attempts on the head at the last moment and somehow come out of it alive. 2/10, at least they tried for some homicide despite failing horribly and there was some nudity. Should have gone to war.

Nort Side, Chicago: The North Side Spirit confounded expectations as they successfully managed to kick enough people out of bed to successfully (using the term loosely here) complete all requirements. They didn't manage to kill Reggie, Utopia or -Santos- so they'll lose significant marks for that. 3/10, needed more of Reggie's butt. Should have embraced their inner North Side and gone to bed.

South Side, Chicago: We're going to call it right here. They cheated! South Side Chicago were well prepared, organized and executed things with minimal mistakes. That's not how Pass The Batton is supposed to work at all. I'm not even going to consider the quality of their content, 1/10, the organization alone disqualifies them. Should have gotten drunk(er) and had HunterZolomon sext Reggie to kick off some mind games instead of just working hard.

6/30. Confirmed, Chicago sucks.

Downtown, Detroit: Here's an entry I can get behind. Fuck the rules. Fuck requirements. Just fuck it. Anything will do. We'll just do our thing and screw everyone else. Top notch stuff. 7/10. Finally someone with some balls, nearly. Should have left it at a two word "Fuck you" for full marks. 

Corktown, Detroit:  Now we're talking! These guys didn't even bother showing up to give two fingers to the world, they just sat at home scratching themselves thinking about doing it. Impressive. 11/10. I'd hire them all if they weren't too lazy to actually work. We have enough of that at The Potato already.

Black Bottom, Detroit: Here we had another truly special entry where a single entrant rocked up to participate in an eight-man event. This should have scored well, I do enjoy the old finger in the eye style, but when it gets to the point that someone is self-censoring using shit like "tucking" instead of fucking it's a fucking joke. 1/10 (divided by 0 if we could). Serious lack of balls, or fucking, in what should have been a ballsy entrant. Disappointing.

19/30. Confirmed, Detroit sucks... a little less than others, but still pretty sucky.

The Strip, Las Vegas: This one had me torn. At first glance, I considered excluding them for cheating. They came dangerously close to displaying "giving a fuck" traits. However, I've decided to balance that with what I'm sure was underhanded attempts to kill Fitz. It was never said, but we're sure it was intended. 3/10. I'm still hoping they manage to kill him and just doing it slowly so he doesn't even notice. 

Summerlin, Las Vegas: They killed Camp. The entire world owes them a debt of thanks. 9/10. My heroes.  

Paradise, Las Vegas: Not only did these guys not notice that Camp got killed in the middle of their entry, bonus points for not giving a fuck there, they actively went on to kill others. Failing to kill Jono and or Disorder obviously hurts them greatly, as is the lack of realism in their entry given that Disorder didn't kill everyone. Twice. 2/10. Both points for ignoring Camp and leaving him to his Summerlin death.  

14/30. Almost not shit, but too much of a one-trick pony. Had Camp survived it'd have been a 3/30 for the city, so still shit burgers all round.

Downtown LA, Los Angeles: Another two finger salute to the world. Glad to see so many standing up for their right to be lazy and feeling a need to be pressured by the man. 8/10. I've no idea why this is different to other districts who did fuck all. I just don't like to be predictable.  

Pasadena, Los Angeles: A more subtle, but far more work intensive, two finger salute comes in from the guys in Pasadena. Eight entrants? Screw that. We've got a one man monologue that'll bring the house down! 4/10. Too much work for anything higher, but we love the blatant disregard for rules displayed and not even a hint of trying to hide it with some ghost writing.

Venice Beach, Los Angeles: I'd imagine this entry would have received similar marks and comments as Pasadena, but after the first couple of submissions our judging team got seriously hungry and had to hit out for bacon and cookies. The bacon wasn't quite crispy enough and the cookies were a little on the stale side, so their marks are going to oddly suffer for that shit they had no control over. 5/10. Even bad bacon is awesome.  

17/30. The New Frontier clearly showing they're not going to pander to rules, and making a firm display of it here.

Brooklyn, New York: I'll avoid my regular witty banter here, as family movements mean it might get mistaken. See the Bronx. 

Bronx, New York: The Bronx confounded all (of my) expectations and put up a damn good showing. They showed great effort, work rate, determination, and wit.... which is great to see but sadly screws them when it comes to scores here. 5/10, and you've managed to raise the expectations on your shoulders dramatically.  

Manhattan, New York: In true don't give a fuck fashion Manhattan doesn't even have any families, never mind any silly enough to do any work. 10/10. Keep pissing against the wind Manhattan. 

15/30. The big apple doing its own thing as always. If only some of the families could live up to the empty districts we'd have clear winners.

Old City District, Philadelphia: The effort displayed by Argyle almost cost the district valuable points, but they rescued it with a last moment clutch. Killing Chocola scored a solid 10 points, with only 2 being lost for all the hard work displayed. 8/10. If they'd killed a few more they could have been true contenders.

Bella Vista, Philadelphia: Another true star of the competition. Free prizes? Don't care. Helps the entire district? Don't care. Part of the community? Don't care. Two fingers to the man and to the machine as they lie back and relax. 11/10. Fuck you world!

South Philly, Philadelphia: No families? No fucks given. South Philly keeping it real and slacking like a district that knows its inner beauty and doesn't care about being judged. 10/10. Be comfortable in the skin you're in.

29/30. Philly bucking the trend and being the least shit of all the shit.  

So there you have it folks, a full round up of the "Ohhh my god, here's someone looking to get me to do something, I better run away and hide" otherwise known as the Pass The Batton competition. 

• For cities as a whole, Philadelphia clear winners in the eyes (pun intended) of The Potato
• Bella Vista and Corktown finished joint first. Amazing display by both. Inspiring
• mouseycop is willing to cheat and HunterZolomon, an irrefutable source we'll protect and keep hidden, tells me she smells like cabbage
• I worry I might have fucked that last one up, I'm sure it'll be fine

THANK YOU!

For all the jokes about the Pass The Batton competition, one serious note must be left here. It was nothing short of heroic the work put in by the team in City Hall to make it happen. 

We're a hell of a group to bitch and moan when things go wrong, or even when things are just fine, so when things like this go incredibly smoothly and executed in an exemplary manner you tits best take the time to send a quick note of thanks to Squishy and the rest of the team at City Hall. I've heard comments about how it has encouraged old timers to make more speeches again, how it has given new blood the confidence to face the streets for the very first time and a countless number on how it was so much fun to work together with people they'd previously never had much contact with.

All of these comments are fantastic and the teams you were part of loved hearing them, but if you can take a moment to pass your thoughts and comments on to City Hall too it greatly helps in ensuring that future events of this nature continue to happen and happen in the right way for the good of the entire community. If you sit back and say nothing it's a handful of vocal idiots like myself that will dictate things, so be sure to pass on your own thoughts, comments and ideas so you get to have your say and pass on your thanks for them working their asses off (and always with a huge smile and a laugh, no matter how stupid the mistakes or the issues were) for our enjoyment.

Thank you City Hall. You guys did one hell of a job! 

Satanta. 

Just The Tip

Richard_Sharpe

Welcome to the first of what we hope is many guest editorials appearing in your leading media outlet, fuck those radio stations trying to horn in on our turf, The Potato. The plan all along has been to have you, the great unwashed, doing all the leg work and I, the great drunk, getting rich off the back of it. That, however, is extremely unlikely to happen off the back of this article... but it's a few hundred words I haven't had to write myself so I'll totally print the shit out of it. Please welcome Richard "Dick" Sharpe with Just The Tip. 

Hi.

Welcome to what I am hoping will become a weekly feature here in the carrot.. or whatever the fuck it's called. Either that or I will write this, it'll piss me off and I'll never do it again. It's a toss of a coin between the two at the moment.

So, as some of you may know I am a miserable, opinionated and big headed bastard. I don't care what the general consensus is. Most of the time it's the opposite to what I think. The majority are often wrong. Just look at elections for fuck sake. This means, regardless of the 74-minute speech TsuDhoNimh replies with, he and his well thought out and reasoned argument are usually complete bollocks. Even when he happens to stumble across a correct opinion, rare as it may be, he's still a complete bollocks that happens to have gotten lucky.

That's the background. So, what's pissed me off this week I hear you cry? Let me take you deeper with our new piece, just the tip!

Fucking organized crimes.

Honestly. End of my tether with them. If they were a person I would have them face 100 lashes without a nip to take the edge off. They're more fucking irritating than Tsu.

Know why they piss me off? because I am working my nuts off in everyone else's and because of that we usually get the job done. I'm a fucking ace like that. I run around like an absolute bell, make sure everyone has it down to a tee come go time and, low and behold, we all earn a decent payday out of it.

So, thinking everyone else is as nice as me, I set up a nice and easy truck raid. Nothing too taxing for our wonderful mobsters of these fair cities you'd think, assuming at least some aren't window licking apes. But you know what happens then don't you? I get arrested. The trucks often not there, even better no one turns up and on many occasions, two or three people have forgotten their pants.

How is this so? I'll tell you why. People like to wind me up. I am absolutely sure of it. You fuckers all sit in the HQs hatching up new ways to stitch me up because of my green clothing and my Northern accent. So take this as an open letter you fuckwits. You'd better buck your ideas up or I will ship Patrick Harper out here. There'll be no slacking then.

You people need to work as hard as I do for you. I am sick to the back teeth of you slacking on my watch. If I hadn't retired from the army I would have you doing speed marches up fucking mountains before breakfast. You'd all probably piss them as well just to really wind me up. Bastards. Fucking bastards.

Fucks sake. This was meant to make me feel better. I'm ready to chin someone now. Maybe it has pissed me off after all. That'll be next weeks subject I think. Getting pissed off for being pissed off. How much fun! See you next week. All 3 of you who actually read this rag.

Remember kids, that's just the tip.

Dick.

In The Name Of The Godfather Rogue

TsuDhoNimh

This week we've decided to shake things up a bit. The intention, from the beginning, was to use this section to look at recent additions to the role of Godfather, some of the old heads that have been knocking around for a while *cough*far too long*cough* and potentially some future stars to help fill in the gaps.

That was, however, until we had a few true champions of this thing of ours step up to the plate and claim this space as their own. They might not go down as household names. They might not become the stuff of legend. They might not have two brain cells to rub together, but they've earned their spot right here and we're going to abuse the hell out of them for it.

We've had a few potential champions that could have been mentioned here over the last few weeks, but today's star epitomises all that is great in the world so will act as our martyr and figurehead as we seek to recognise all those who have left our world screaming the words "Ohhh shit, I think I've really fucked up this time. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" *splash*. He's not the hero we asked for, but he's the hero we deserve. He is...

Don_Fabio​

Many of you will be sitting there thinking, who? And you'd be right. I've no idea who this champion of the people is either, but that's part of his brilliance. If you're going to make an amazing rogue run, you do want to stay under the radar. So top marks so far. 

One of the members left homeless after Anteros' sudden retirement, the Don set to work... using the term loosely.

Would he accept a spot in another family and simply be another sheep? Hell no.

Would he toe the line and follow the rules? Not a chance.

Would he accept his former leader's decision for pacifism and retire from this thing of ours, taking up a new position as the custodian of a local museum? Probably, yes. However, they've become really picky in their selection process and rumors on the grapevine suggest he couldn't get a second round interview.

That, quite clearly, was the straw that broke the camels back. There was no other option. It was time for Don_Fabio to rogue. He saw the bright lights of gun fire ahead of him, we're guessing. He saw the limelight of fame. He saw his name being etched in the history books next to the greats like MrEvilMan and Clipper. He saw so much potential. 

We saw....

And like that, the dream was over. Our hero had been slain. Stories of his exploits dashed from the footnotes of history, mainly as nothing much happened at all. God rest his soul and the souls of all the rogues that have managed to make Jono look like a prolific shooter over the years. 

Do ya feel lucky, punk?

TsuDhoNimh

We normally try and avoid 'news' here at The Potato. That's for other less confident papers written by far less smexy editors. For once, however, we'll make an exception.

City Hall has started releasing details that licenses to run and operate casinos in our fine cities would once again be made available to the general public. For some time now the operation of the casino's had been the sole domain of City Hall. They had been footing all of the operating costs and had been bankrolling the losses or pocketing the gains. Now, after sufficient hounding by that pub Rubix, they have finally agreed to open up the sale of licenses again.

We spoke to the Chicago based Don following the announcement to see his reaction to the news:

<Rubix> Woof woof woof. Woof woof. *yawn* woof woof. 

Well. It doesn't get much clearer than that. The guy is absolutely delighted at the news and could barely contain his joy.

That's the good news. The bad news? They ain't cheap. 

Each casino sale comes with a package which contains all table games excluding dice and three poker tables for the owner to make use of. The cost for the games is a cool $100 million. To receive permission to open the casino must also have a further $100 million of capital in the vault to cover operating costs. So a total fee of $200 million, with $100 million of that sitting in the new vault on opening. 

The risks don't stop there. Should the casino ever go bankrupt, also known as getting a visit from StripheCorelli, the local officials will instantly move to shut the establishment down and the owner will forfeit their license. The officials don't want too many eyes looking at the business arrangements involved, so a broke casino can't be allowed to just sit there. If your casino goes bust, you lose everything! 

Will we be seeing new casino operators pop up around the cities? Will new owners actually generate enough business to get a return on investment with so many gamblers hooked on the crack cocaine that is dice these days? Will we see wars break out over control and operation of these casinos?

Yes. Don't know. We sure as hell hope so. 

The Alternative Facts

TsuDhoNimh

Chicago

There was chaos in the windy city this week as the normally relaxed North Side was a hive of chaotic activity. Fresh from their proud performance in Pass The Batton, the North Siders wasted no time at all in pressing their advantage and dramatically overtaking the South Side in terms of the number of VIP Passes collected. These passes, handed out in recognition of valiant work carried out speaking and discussing topics of interest in the streets and business districts of our fine cities, can be exchanged for information, financial credit or even with Reggie's mum for a value of up to $36 million per transaction.

 We initially planned on reaching out to the terrific mouseycop for a quote on the matter, but then we remembered she'd probably cheat and be all organized. Can't be having any more of that craic! We then considered reaching out to Daniella on the subject, but we expected her to be furiously penning speeches and weren't going to risk her throwing pens at my head. Again. Today. That left us reaching out to the one and only Rubix, the lovable pup only to happy to oblige.

So Rubix, can you explain just how the proud South Side is feeling in light of these recent events?

<Rubix> Woof woof woof. Woof woof. *yawn* woof woof. 

We couldn't have put it better ourselves. You can feel the pain, even without seeing the tears welling in his eyes at the time or his tail laying completely wagless between his legs. He was heartbroken. It just sounded like that time he was happy. That, or he just really needed the loo. 

Not to be halted by their success, the North Siders just kept going. Confidence was high and what better way to celebrate it than by throwing on some tuxedos and welcoming The Expendable Penguins to the North Side. A relatively new bloodline to our shores, Mattsr has gone on to quickly prove himself as slightly less of an idiot than some others and gain the right to start his own family. We look forward to seeing what he and his flightless family can achieve and if the North Side will continue their dramatic activity.

//Tune in next week for full details on how the South Side beat the North Side silly in a game of dodgeball and reclaimed their rightful (second) place//

Detroit

A relatively quiet week for Motor City, relatively speaking at least. No dead leaders. No big war plans... made public at least. I guess everyone deserves a break eventually. Just this once we'll forgive you guys.

Having put in a few extremely strong performances in the Pass The Batton competition, especially strong from Corktown with their nonconformist stance on things, the week started well. There was the potential for things to hit a pothole when fearless leader BlackJack entered into a battle of wits over words poking some fun at Don LuciusSweet, but the Don seemed to show him some favor.... Eehh, see what we did there? See it?... and didn't take exception to the whole thing. Or, as some might call it, didn't go all Malik on his ass. Yet, at least.

Rumors that Lucius has turned back into a statue following all his hard work this week are yet to be denied, mainly as we hadn't started them before just now, so this could all simply be a delayed reaction too.

We had hoped to do a more detailed account on Anthony_Mitchell and the Corktown operations this week, the least covered to date of our three Detroit leaders. Sadly, Anthony seemed to go missing for much of it. If found, could you please return Anthony to Corktown so we can hurl some abuse at him next week. Thanks in advance, The Potato.

Las Vegas

Disorder didn't kill anything. Well, we're sure he did, but nothing significant... He probably did kill our hero Don_Fabio, he's a bastard like that... But like, he didn't kill all of us too. We had considered making this our headline story. We had considered checking if we were dreaming and not actually awake as something didn't feel right, but we've decided not to question it too much and just roll with it. We really don't want to jinx it.

Las Vegas have been busy this week laying down the law. Literally.

• FitzChivalry came out, from his slumber, and kicked things off with his speech on Associate Movement.  
• Disorder later informed all the cities that the time for leaders to willingly step down had now passed. It will now truly be a job for life 
• LuciusSweet then followed that up with a quick speech, and a spiffing little flyer, that helps further illustrate and outline the whole favor system
• Once all the hard work had been done, Don LuciusSweet then opened himself up to the public for questions... clearly impressed with young Mattsr who had done much the same thing just shortly before.

Los Angeles

A genuinely strong showing from some of the LA families, as opposed to the sarcastic ones mentioned previously, suggests there's plenty of life in the City of Angels. It's never easy entering a group competition with relatively low numbers, so special mention has to go to them for exemplary performances against the challenges they faced. 

With the Downtown contingent already going strong showing two twenty man HQs, will we see either Pasadena or Venice Beach push on to achieve the same? Will we see strong leaders grab that opportunity with both hands? Will we see much of Jaime at all or has he run away with Anthony_Mitchell never to be seen again? Only time will tell... unless The Potato tells it first. Remember, we are open to bribery. Slip us enough and we'll say great things about you. Slip us some more and we'll say terrible things about someone else. 

New York

I was all but ready to say I was surprised. I was all but ready to admit that New York had stepped up to the challenge I laid down, took it on the chin and came out the other side smelling like roses. But... But... and I'm talking a great big huge sweaty butt... he went and crossed the line. 

"It is time we finally got out of here; this place is making me itch. We must make a public appearance, I've seen the tabloid news. I am worried the public with soon think I have become a myth seeing as how I haven't been seen in some time," James Said.

Tabloid news? Tabloid? We here at The Potato are setting a new aim for our media empire. We don't know exactly what it is yet, we've been too angry since this slanderous remark was made to figure it out, but we know the gauntlet has been well and truly thrown down.

Business Name: The Potato

Area: Serioususus BroadShit Newz

New Nemesis: James_Storm

A solid week in the public eye by the big apple. The bar has been raised.

Philadelphia

We had hoped to be able to announce Argyle as the winner of the Pass The Baton by now, but sadly the judges have been slower in valuing the death of Chocola than The Potato was. We're sure it'll come in time, so remember you heard it here first.

A solid, competent, consistent performance from the Philly contingent this week. Which in other words means it was dull as dishwater in the city of brotherly love. Less love more chaos and shenanigans, please. There's only so much crap I can talk without help.

Mashed Potato Awards

JohnDoe

Best Discussion - Favour by LuciusSweet

Best Story - The last tango by Angy

Best Opinion - Joe_Scalise in Favour

Best Unique Contribution - The Prodigal Bounty by Ezreal

Each prize winner has received their priceless, seriously nobody would pay you a penny for these things, Mashed Potato. 

The judge's decisions are final. We don't care if you agree or disagree but if you're feeling all ranty about it please do drop the editor a line so he can laugh his ass off at you for being a total douche. Now, let's help get these streets straightened out and cleaned up a little! Go out and do your best to claim next weeks Mashed Potatoes!

 

Feb 17, '17 22:28	You transfered credits to Ezreal's account. Note: Congratulations on wining your Mashed Potato!!! Ohhh, here's some credits too.	-2.00
Feb 17, '17 22:27	You transfered credits to Joe_Scalise's account. Note: Congratulations on wining your Mashed Potato!!! Ohhh, here's some credits too.	-2.00
Feb 17, '17 22:27	You transfered credits to Angy's account. Note: Congratulations on wining your Mashed Potato!!! Ohhh, here's some credits too.	-2.00
Feb 17, '17 22:27	You transfered credits to LuciusSweet's account. Note: Congratulations on wining your Mashed Potato!!! Ohhh, here's some credits too.	-2.00

 

Daniella sat at her favorite little breakfast nook in Chicago, a place she’d been visiting since she was young. She realized that over the years she had spent many a morning here, pouring over different newspapers. Today was no different; she picked up the third edition of The Potato, a newspaper made right here in the Windy City. She laughed (and cringed slightly) as she ate her breakfast, making a mental note to go find Tsu and throw another pen at his head (just to make a point of course).

She grumbled slightly at the mention of North Side overtaking South Side in VIP passes. She’d been distracted with other worldly issues in the past week or two and hadn’t been out in the streets nearly as often as she normally was, so she’d need to work extra hard in the next few days to make sure South Side took its rightful place; if she could rally the district maybe she’d even be able to give The Loop a run for its money on its first place position.

Once again the paper was fabulously written, hilarious to read and a great way to start the day. Finishing up her coffee and leaving a rather large bill on the table, Daniella slipped out of the booth and headed back to the headquarters. Tsu was right, she had some stories to write.

CS had been looking forward to The Potato - Three Potato all week and rushed to buy the newest copy.

She read it while having her lunch - a couple of cookies along with some milk. After reading most of the paper, she examined it once again and couldn't help but feel a little ashamed about the white stains and crumbs all over. This never failed to make her laugh, and she was looking forward to read it again next week. 

"Thanks for bringing this to the streets again, TsuDhoNimh . You have done an amazing work putting all of this together, and I hope you will continue this! Thanks once again!"

She leaned back as she finished up the rest of her lunch and made a mental note to never drink or eat anything while reading again... 

She looks up from her desk to see one of her assistants drop a copy of the latest vegetable based publication on the corner of her desk.

Well, it's about time! I only asked for this hours ago. Bring me a coffee would you? Trying to balance these books and decipher a message from TsuDhoNimh has me parched and drowsy. 

She pushes her logbooks and folders to the side and sighs happily as her assistant places a hot cup of coffee in the empty space. Breathing it's amazing aroma deep into her faceholes she closes her eyes and sighs happily before reaching for her copy of The Vegetable, Potato... As she gazes upon the front page her pet parrot lands on her arm.

Oh, don't worry sweetie, you'll get your turn with this soon enough! I'll make sure you get that image of Keypunch to shit on first. Promise. Now, off of me you silly thing!

She gently puts her beloved on his perch behind her and returns to the paper.

Yes... yes... Oooo.. Ahhhh... Mmmm... Hmmmm... Wow.

She sits back and smiles before penning a note to her friend and the publisher of such an amazing bird cage liner... Newspaper....

Fantastic read sir! Please find my contribution to your prize fund in the tabloid's, newspaper's, account!!! You should really look into a recipe column though. Specifically a drink recipe column, because after that read.. I need a drink!

Woof woof woof. Woof woof. yawn woof woof. 

Thank you for those insightful comments Rubix. It's good to see our intellectual pursuits hitting the mark.

In answer to your questions....

1. Yes. That strange noise probably is Orange.

2. No. Disorder doesn't keep a bone collection you can borrow, but he does produce fresh ones frequently so no harm in paying him a visit.

3. Yes. FitzChivalry's mum does hump more legs than you do.

4. I'm not sure, but if it is a comb over MonsterHair has a lot of questions to answer.

5. Yes. The joke about mouseycop smelling like cabbage was in poor taste. We blame HunterZolomon for that one. She seems to have taken it in her stride though and is bounding with energy today. Hard to imagine where she might have gotten it all from.

Ezreal was on his way to pay his respects to some friends across town just before hearing the nearest paperboy spouting about the latest issue of the onion. Searching his pockets he finds himself short on cash, noticing he only has a nickel he curses out loud "fuck it time to wing it". Walking up to the kid Ezreal flicks his coin up in the air before leaving with "keep the change" quickly walking off before having to pick a fight with a child.

Finding himself an empty stairwell Ezreal pulls out a cigarette from behind his ear, sitting down he begins to read over the paper as he lights it. Reading a few sentences before exhaling. Flicking the ash off his cigarette he continues to read before laughing at the results of pass the baton. Nodding his head he agrees that Utopia should have met an untimely death in the story.  Continuing he notices a tabloid with an alternate ending which  James_Storm is the new nemesis of New York. Shaking his smiling head Ezreal takes one last drag off his cigarette before flicking it towards a nearby pedestrian walking by the stoop.

Sitting up he begins to stretch continuing to read over the paper before reading his own name in print. "Well holy sheep shit" Ezreal repeats with a wide ass grin on his face. "Looks like I actually won something for once! God only knows what potential that man saw but hell if I won't take his money".

Well done TsuDhoNimh! Another fantastically stanky issue of the onion. I appreciate the kind gift your account sent over, make sure to give her my thanks as well please. Can't wait till your next issue!

Placing the paper in his back pocket Ezreal begins making his way over to a friends party to celebrate with some drinks to end his night.

Supernova wrote up a few paperwork need to be done for Teo. After he finish his work. He took a quick walk around the street. It was earlier in the morning for him. This was about the time he would be pick up some more weed from the dealer. Until he stop, from the noises from a paper boy running around giving out new issues of The Potato. He gave the boy a five dollar bill and grabbed one for himself.

Let's see what the news this time, he said to himself. He unravel the paper and got to the Potato section. He gave out a quick smile, trying to not laugh. After smoking in the morning, he knew this newpaper would get him going.

Bro, TsuDhoNimh you  keep improving each issue. I love it. You doing a swell job. With this effort your putting ino it, I wonder if this may turn into something bigger. Nontheless, it's fan fucking tastic.

He said, while reading the issue. Hoping that maybe @TsuDhoNimh caught word of his thoughts. 

I know this is will be booming. And Im happy, I get my morning news and laughs. All the best I can ask for. Well, I gues I must be going. I just picked up some bud from my local dealer and I wanna roll this soon here. Keep it up man. Your doing wonders.

Wraak picked up a copy of the latest Potato. He had learned his lesson with the previous issue and now knew that this had nothing to do with potato baking recipes.

He read it from cover to cover whilst having his morning coffee, chuckling here and there on some funny points raised in this issue.

"Its always good to start your day with a laugh" he thought to himself, and as usual TsuDhoNimh delivered in that department