Did you hear the rumor about the butter? I'd tell you but I don't wanna spread it... I know what you're thinking... How dairy!

My best joke is about Pizza. I'd tell it to you but it's too cheesy...

Knock knock

Who's there?

Aladdin

Aladdin who?

A lad in the street wants to talk to you...

A mother is in the kitchen one day and her young daughter walks in and asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"

The mother thinks for a while and decides to be honest with her.  "Well, sweetie, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married.  One night they go into the bedroom and kiss and hug and have sex."

The daughter looks confused so the mother clarifies.  "That means Daddy puts his penis in Mommy's vagina.  That's how you get a baby."

The daughter thinks for a moment then asks, "OK, but the other night, I came into your room and you had Daddy's penis in your mouth.  What do you get then?"

"Jewelry, my dear, lots of jewelry!" her mother replies.

Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator?

A: She couldn't find the 10 key.

A man tells his friend, "My wife is an angel."

His friend replies, "Lucky you. Mine's still alive."

A couple at an art gallery see a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves.

The wife doesn't like it and moves on, but the huband keeps looking.

She asks, "What are you waiting for?"

He replies, "Autumn."

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every day.

One day he told her, "You have been with me through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were there. When we lost the house, you were there. When my health started failing, you were there. You know what?"

"What is it, dear?" she asked.

He responded, "I think you bring me bad luck."

What do you call a black guy flying a plane?

A pilot, you fucking racist. 

She is so blonde that when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice.

A blonde was swerving all over the road so she got pulled over by a cop.

The cop asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"

The blonde said, "I'm sorry, sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me, and I can't seem to get away from it!"

The cop told her, "Lady, that's your air freshener."

Q: What has 18 legs and catches flies?

A: A baseball team.

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replies.

"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.

"Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy says.

"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.

"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child says.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,  "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".

Why was the sand wet?
Because the seaweed!
 

Literally the only joke I can ever remember 

A couple Dungeons and Dragons Jokes:

Where did the Ranger get his arrows?

Target!

What do you call a Lycanthropic Oracle that delivers dire portents?

A Were-Bear-er of Bad News.

...I'll see myself out.

What does toilet paper and the Starship Enterprise have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons to wipe out!  :)

A doctor tells a group of patients, "The material we put into our stomachs is terrible. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. some foods are loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" An old man raises his hand and says, "Wedding cake."

Q. How do the dog catchers get paid?

A. By the pound

Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.

"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose.

"Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?" The southern woman thinks about this for a second.

"Where you flyin' to, bitch?"

Jesus is coming.

Don't swallow.