A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man.
He says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said, "Yes," and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down, and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

An elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm for several years. 

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe  courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.

Before he went, he grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he got closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. 

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" 

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up, he said... "I'm here to feed the alligator!"

Some old men can still think fast.

Nefer dont fuck with an Irishman's drink haha

A Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damm money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell... ...that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Dads are like boomerangs. I hope.

How do you make a tissue dance? 

Put a little boogey in it.

Tee hee.

What did the comb say to the hair?

I hate to part ways 😫😫😫

Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
 

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

 "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

 "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

What do you call the heavy breathing someone makes while trying to hold their downward facing dog pose?

Yoga pants.

Yo mama so fat, donald trump used her for the border wall.

Why did the dog sit in the shade? Because he didn't want to be a hot dog!

How do billboards talk?

Sign Language

3 Impossible Things
1. You can't count your hair
2. You can't wash your eyes out with soap
3. You can't breathe with your tongue is out
J.K. Now please put your tongue back in your mouth you look like a dog.

A doctor came walking down the hospital hallway.

A nurse walks up to him and says "Doctor you have a rectal thermometer behind your ear.

The Doc takes the thermometer from behind his ear  looks at it and says "Oh wow, some asshole has my pencil".

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed. "You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 Smit-a-Wesson so you will always remember me."

"But Grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howz about you leava me your Rolex watch instead."

"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lots a money, a biga haus and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda your wife inna bed wit' anodda man. Whadda you gonna do then... pointa to you watch and a say, "time's up"?

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date...

Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?"

Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"

Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"

Patrick: "What school?