I got banned from a supermarket after spending three hours arguing with a self-checkout machine. The machine kept insisting I had “unexpected items in the bagging area,” and I kept insisting it was emotionally projecting. Security escorted me out after the machine somehow printed a receipt that just said “good luck.”

“I don't want to care. If I care about things, it'll just be worse, it'll just be another thing to worry about. It's less painful if I don't care.”

“She laughs and looks out the window and I think for a minute that she's going to start to cry. I'm standing by the door and I look over at the Elvis Costello poster, at his eyes, watching her, watching us, and I try to get her away from it, so I tell her to come over here, sit down, and she thinks I want to hug her or something and she comes over to me and puts her arms around my back and says something like 'I think we've all lost some sort of feeling.”

I do not need money, at all...

I once joined a yoga class by accident thinking it was a free pizza tasting. I stayed for two hours because I was too embarrassed to leave, and somehow ended up paying £40 to learn how to “breathe aggressively.”

“The images I had were of people being driven mad by living in the city. Images of parents who were so hungry and unfulfilled that they ate their own children.”

I’m really excited to be going to work today instead of sitting on a recliner chair in the garden soaking in the sun and having a little nap. Definitely better this way.

I am a creative person who gets really excited at the hustle challenge of writing a post in an outside thread.

I enjoy travelling on aeroplanes, as it is something that i do only infrequently. Budget airlines are the best! 

“And later when we got into the car, he took a turn down a street that I was pretty sure was a dead end. "Where are we going?" I asked. "I don't know" he said "just driving". "But this road doesn't go anywhere" I told him. "That doesn't matter." "What does?" I asked, after a little while. "Just that we're on it, dude." He said.”

“there was a song i heard when i was in los angeles by a local group. the song was called "los angeles" and the words and images were so harsh and bitter that the song would reverberate in my mind for days. the images, i later found out, were personal and no one i knew shared them. the images i had were of people being driven mad by living in the city. images of parents who were so hungry and unfulfilled that they ate their own children. images of people, teenagers my own age, looking up from the asphalt and being blinded by the sun. these images stayed with me even after i left the city. images so violent and malicious that they seemed to be my only point of reference for a long time afterwards. after i left.”

“Will you call me before Christmas?' she asks.
Maybe.' I pull on my vest, wondering why I even came here in the first place.
You've still got my number, don't you?' She reaches for a pad and begins to write it down.
Yeah, Blair. I've got your number. I'll get in touch.'
I button up my jeans and turn to leave.
Clay?'
Yeah, Blair.'
If I don't see you before Christmas,' she stops. 'Have a good one.'
I look at her a moment. 'Hey, you too.'
She picks up the stuffed black cat and strokes its head.
I step out the door and start to close it.
Clay?' she whispers loudly.
I stop but don't turn around.'Yeah?'
Nothing.”

“Disappear Here.
The syringe fills with blood.
You're a beautiful boy and that's all that matters.
Wonder if he's for sale.
People are afraid to merge. To merge.”

I accidentally showed up to a restaurant dressed exactly like one of the employees, and before I knew it, I had unintentionally assumed the role of an unofficial staff member. For the entire evening, customers kept approaching me for directions to their tables, the restrooms, and even the specials of the day. Instead of awkwardly confessing I didn’t actually work there, I embraced my new identity and dutifully guided them, probably with more confidence than the real staff.

On one occasion, I became inadvertently locked inside a furniture store overnight, during which I spent six hours envisioning myself as the sovereign ruler of a modest, couch-based realm. By the arrival of morning, I had instituted a system of taxation and formally declared hostilities against the ottomans.

Let me keep up with the format of 2 truths and 1 lie, let's see if anyone guesses 

I'm a billionaire's son
I'm a Creative Director
I play when I should be working