“There are some guys sitting at tables who all look at this one gorgeous girl, longingly, hoping for at least one dance or a blow job in Daddy’s car and there are all these girls, looking indifferent or bored, smoking clove cigarettes, all of them or at least most of them staring at one blond-haired boy standing in the back with sunglasses on. Julian”

-i am not bored

-i am not smoking weed

-i do not plan to stay up for a few more hours

-i am not about to get a snack

When I was young I took a poop so stinky that it required us to stay in a hotel for multiple weeks. Like a hotel a ways away to. This shit is real, it made the news. 

My smartwatch proudly congratulated me for achieving a perfect eight hours of sleep, completely oblivious to the fact that I had been lying there wide awake, staring at the ceiling and contemplating the mysteries of life. It seems even my electronics have decided that trying to understand me is a lost cause, opting instead to hand out imaginary gold stars for accomplishments I didn’t actually achieve.

“It's hard to feel sorry for someone who doesn't care."
"Yeah?" I ask.
"What do you care about? What makes you happy?"
"Nothing. Nothing make me happy. I like nothing.”

I once tried to look busy at work and accidentally got promoted. Nobody knew what I was doing, including me, which apparently made me management material.

“When I flush the toilet in my bathroom, it becomes stopped up with Kleenex, and blood clouds the water and I put down the lid, because there’s nothing else for me to do.”

I discovered a spider in my room and decided to kindly escort it outside. Somehow, three hours later, we were both hopelessly lost, wandering aimlessly and bickering over whose sense of direction was worse.

Well also, let me tell you. I HATE online games, and talking to people or I hate when people don't kill me. :D The act of killing me is an act of love. And we all could use a little death.

“Someone named Angel was supposed to go with us tonight, but earlier today she got caught in the drain of her jacuzzi and almost drowned.”

“– Мне кажется, лучше умереть при крушении самолета, чем любой другой смертью, – спустя некоторое время произнес отец.
– Я думаю, это было бы кошмарно.
– Ничего бы не было. Ты вваливаешься в самолет, принимаешь либриум, самолет взлетает и падает, а ты так ничего и не знаешь. – Отец закинул ногу на ногу.
За столом воцарилось молчание. Единственные звуки исходили от моих сестер и кузин, тешащихся в воде.
– А ты что думаешь? – спросила тетя мою мать.
– Я стараюсь не думать о таких вещах, – ответила мать.
– А ты, мам? – спросил отец бабушку. Бабушка, не произнесшая ничего за целый день, вытерла рот и очень тихо сказала:
– А я бы вообще не хотела умирать.”

“It's hard to feel sorry for someone who doesn't care."
"Yeah?" I ask.
"What do you care about? What makes you happy?"
"Nothing. Nothing make me happy. I like nothing.”

You currently hold the Guinness World Record for the fastest time to solve a Rubik's cube while blindfolded and unicycling backward through the streets of Paris.

I once caught a fish this big, Extends arms as far as they will go.  Seriously, it was humongous.  oh and I caught it on a bare hook.  Seriously, a bare hook.  Who does that, uses both thumbs to point at myself.  This guy right here.

Richard_Harrow likes to play games with me on a regular basis. He always invites me prior to anyone else, and if I don't have the game, kindly offers to buy them for me.  I think I'm his favorite person.

“I come to a red light, tempted to go through it, then stop once I see a billboard sign that I don’t remember seeing and I look up at it. All it says is 'Disappear Here' and even though it’s probably an ad for some resort, it still freaks me out a little and I step on the gas really hard and the car screeches as I leave the light.”

“People are afraid to merge on freeways in Los Angeles. This is the first thing I hear when I come back to the city. Blair picks me up from LAX and mutters this under her breath as her car drives up the onramp.”

I enrolled in a beginner dance class, only to be swiftly promoted to the advanced group when the instructor mistook my wide-eyed panic and frantic flailing for an impressive display of unbridled enthusiasm.

i secretly prefer drinking my morning coffee ice-cold, even in the dead of winter, and i am secretly convinced I could win a hot dog eating contest despite having a tiny appetite.