ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻

QUALITY, FACTUAL JOURNALISM. HOT SCOOPS.
A CHRONICLE OF THE LOTS OFFICE.

Honolulu • Friday, February 3rd• Vol II, No. 3

A PREFACE

First some clarification on who I am and what the situation is.

I am not "a Harold", or someone who had the publishing rights of "𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻" bestowed upon them. I do not carry the characteristic monobrow (so don't even try to make jokes about it). I do not have the first name Harold. I am Henry, just your average joe (though I am not actually named Joe).

So why am I making this publication? Quite frankly because I am forced to do so by an anonymous threatmaker. I am told that if I do not publish an issue before this midnight this friday, that I will not wake up the next day. I would be killed. I am forced to make this publication for an anonymous third party possessing the publishing rights of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻.

WHY IS THIS IMPORTANT AT ALL?

I will demonstrate this with the understanding of how a toaster works: Toasters eject Toast. Similarly, despite not being "a Journalist" or "a Harold", I am denied a place to sleep and ejected from crews (much like a piece of toast from a toaster).

We have grown so averse to journalism that even the possibility of someone making a publication is enough to exile them from society.

NOW LET'S GET INTO SOME ACTUAL, FACTUAL NEWS.

A CHRONICLE OF THE POSITION OF LOTS

We have heard much talk about the LOTS, and many ask "What is a LOTS"? We think whoever by now is not aware of the LOTS must be living under a rock (or in The Rock, Chris_Vaughn's, wrestling basement) but FEAR NOT.

Today we will briefly line out the history and recent developmets surrounding the coveted title of Leader of The Streets (LOTS) for you.

1: IT ALL BEGAN THUS

In the beginning when The Mayor created The Streets and The Business Districts,
The Streets were a formless void and darkness covered the face of the Business Districts, while a wind from The Mayor swept over the face of the pavement.
Then The Mayor said, "Let there be a Leader of The Streets"; and there was a Leader of The Streets.

Who was this Leader of The Streets? None other than JamesBaxter. The exact reason for this is unknown, but at 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 we tend not to question decisions made by higher powers.

2: THE IMPEACHMENT OF JAMESBAXTER

James' reign as LOTS was long and uneventful, but unrest was steadily growing (perhaps because of this). Eventually this unrest reached such a level that James was democratically dethroned by the people.

Reasons cited were: Lack of tangible evidence of leading the streets, Lack of interest, Denial of being the LOTS, Ignoring lost old men, Being a bad person, Distasteful street policies, Apathy, No protection of Journalists, Reclusion to the Business Districts.

This can be read about in "Is It Time To Stop Killing The Kuku's", which sparked the impeachment discussion as people were wondering what the LOTS was doing when innocent upstanding members (and journalists) of society were being murdered left right and center.

3: THE POST-IMPEACHMENT ELECTION, BARBARAWAWA CROWNED LOTS

An election followed the impeachment of James, and BarbaraWawa was officially elected to be the new LOTS through a democratic process (see: "Is It Time To Stop Killing The Kuku's").

BarbaraWawa was eager to restore the glory of THE STREETS and many radical reforms were quickly passed, such as creating the title of "Leader of The Business Districts" which was to be held by the recently dethroned JamesBaxter. Or the creation of the more controversial title of "Not Leader of The Streets", which was to be held by Malcon-Tucker (see: "The New Leader of The Streets").

3.5: COMPLAINTS ABOUT ELECTION, TENSIONS RISING

Many people (who, I might add, did not frequent the streets) questioned the election. The LOTS election was called undemocratic, unfair, rigged, etc, by people who had not expressed any interest in it before.

BarbaraWawa was alleged to have rigged the election in their favour using their VAST reserves of money which won in a Competitive Quizzing Competition (see: "The New Leader of The Streets").

TENSIONS WERE RISING, MAKING WAY FOR WHAT WAS TO COME NEXT

4: THE ASSASSINATION OF BARBARAWAWA, A SUCCESSION CRISIS

Surprisingly (or perhaps not surprisingly at all) BarbaraWawa was taken from The Streets she so confidently led less than a day after she took office by an assassin.

We at 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 know the culprit (most surprisingly, it was not Tutte), but do not dare utter their name for fear of having a 1 million dollar bounty placed upon our heads.

We will say that the culprit WAS NOT an active street-goer, so we are forced to see rule this as outside interference/meddling in matters which they know nothing about. SHAMEFUL.

A succession crisis followed, and the streets were aimless and without leadership for a while. That was, until...

5: SUCCESSION CRISIS RESOLVED: INTERIM LOTS OLIVIA_PARENTELA

In a move absolutely nobody saw coming, a newcomer to The Streets but someone who saw what a detriment the lack of a LOTS was having on it, Olivia_Parentela, crowned themselves the new LOTS.

Though Olivia did not accomplish much of note, they did quickly realise that it was important to set up another election to keep the democratic traditions of the LOTS title in place (see: "REPORT: LilyLaralei's missing pet. IMPORTANT FINDINGS" and "Second Ballot - LOTS - VOTE FOR YOUR FUTURE.").

Though, before the Second Election could conclude, The Streets were shaken once more...

6: OLIVIA_PARENTELA UNDERGROUND CC AGENT? MURDERED UPON LOSING COVER. BRIBES?

Olivia_Parentela, the interim LOTS, in an unexpected turn declared themselves to be an agent of the mysterious Competition Commission in a coffee shop:

21:20 Olivia_Parentela[MR] but the competitions committee (me) is discussing whether we need to shorten the competition to I don't know
21:20 Olivia_Parentela[MR] 1 week
21:20 Paul_Finch[MR] HOLD UP
21:20 Paul_Finch[MR] YOU ARE THE COMPETITIONS COMMITTEE
21:22 Wellerman[MR] Olivia_Parentela[MR] outted themselves as the CC
21:22 Wellerman[MR] this is big

It was a surprise to many that the Competition Commission had made an attempt to install one of their own as the LOTS to advance their Competition Overseeing cause. This was an obvious sign of corruption of the Street Institutions and displeased many, but it did not last very long.

Shortly after the SHOCKING REVELATION Olivia_Parentela was murdered, quiet was suspiciously quick to claim the kill:

21:43 <&MRBot> OBIT: Olivia_Parentela (Wise Guy) - Stiffler [Old City District, Philadelphia]
21:43 <Dominick[MR]> Rip..
21:43 <quiet[MR]> Take your antics to another city
21:43 <quiet[MR]> Thanks

𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 speculates the following:

* Olivia_Parentela was a Competition Commision agent who accidently blew their cover.
* The Competition Commission quickly silenced Olivia_Parentela as they did not want her reveal even more secrets, besides what she already revealed about the CC attempting to install a puppet as the LOTS.
* The Competition Commission bribed (or coerced?) quiet to claim it was a move from PH. The CC did this to cover their own tracks.

7: THE SECOND SUCCESSION CRISIS, JIMBAXTER USURPS THE TITLE AS BSDFL

Once again the streets were without a brave Leader of The Streets to guide them. SilentAssassin was formidably in the lead during the second election (following a successful campaign to win the hearts of Streetgoers across The States) but this did not last.

It was at this moment that JimBaxter entered the stage, quickly usurping the porcelain throne of the LOTS (see: "LOTS. I am taking the crown for MYSELF. MY PRECIOUS").

The election was still finished (see: "Second Ballot - LOTS - VOTE FOR YOUR FUTURE.") but we doubt we will see the winner crowned as the new LOTS.

Instead we believe JimBaxter has proclaimed himself Benevolent Street Dictator For Life (BSDFL), and has no plans to let go of the title.

8: THE FUTURE OF THE LOTS

No idea.

IN CONCLUSION

We at 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 do not know what the future of The Streets or the office of The Leader of The Streets will hold.

The turbulent and surprising events of the past week make us very reluctant to speculate. Whatever we come up with will probably not be as spectacular as reality itself.

To help give a broad overview of the history of the LOTS, we have drawn a simplified diagram:

DIAGRAM OF LOTS HISTORY

>> (TOUCH ME) <<

This concludes this Issue of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻!! Please Leave me Money and Tips!!

Initially other topics were to be covered as well, but we did not want to produce a newspaper with a length rivaling Systematic Immolation of Thought.
We're saving the other HOT SCOOPS for another time.

Despite Henry having published the newspaper like the people who threatened him demanded, it appears that he still didn't get to wake up the next day.

I HAVE MANY QUESTIONS

• Was the threatener not pleased with the quality of the newspaper? Did it not live up to The Harold standards and was Henry executed for this reason?
• I don't believe this newspaper was particularly offensive to anyone, seeing how it was primarily a historical account of the position of the LOTS. Did someone still get offended over it despite its lukewarm tone and execute Henry?
• Was this perhaps another sweep-up by The Competition Commission to cover their tracks?
• Or was Henry assassinated by a rival newspaper?

Jayme snorts, the sound is gut wrenching.  You liken it to a SeaLion ferociously making love to a Beluga on a Sunday afternoon in a Venice brothel.

An unfortunate tale.  TOO LONG have the JOURNALISTS been PERSECUTED by Tutte and TheBeast.  I don't know about the rest of you but I am getting SICK of their holier than thou attitude about the place.

In answer to your questions MagnumDong:

1. I was thoroughly satisfied with the latest publication.  The Harold standards were impeccable, some would say better even than the orating (and proofspeaking) skills of SilentAssassin, who, incidentally, I must deal with later, he has made quite the mockery of the LOTSC since his appointment yesterday evening.  In summary, I, therefore, PROBABLY did not EXECUTE Harold Henry.
2. Lukewarm tones have been known to upset many; a tragedy you and your "journalist" friends should know only too well.  The annals of history have proved time and time again than those of LIMITED INTELLIGENCE take offence at the slightest little NON OFFENSIVE speech.  It is a product of SOCIOPATHY and NARCISSISM; They always have to think it is about THEM.
3. The Competition Commission died with Olivia_Parentela (GRHS), so I would say it is fairly unlikely they had ANYTHING to do with the demise of H.Arold.
4. This is quite a delightful accusation.  I can not speak for any of the other EDITORS or JOURNALISTS but you could be right, this could well be a case of a JEALOUS RIVAL placing a bounty on H.Arold's head whilst he slept.

The possibilities my friend, ARE ENDLESS. 

When can we expect a new newspaper?  When will Wellerman be disqualified from the songwriting contest again?  I have many more questions that only a reliable, trustworthy, red top can provide me with.

I would also be interested in hearing what Tutte, SLAYER OF JOURNALISTS AND INNOCENT PERSONS has to say about the whole sorry mess.

A birdy told me that it was an accidental death.
Tucker randomly pops himself between 2 bin-burning street dealers discussing a newspaper and their so-called editor.

Chocked on his own fucking newspaper if you believe it, he was so bloody obsessed with it that apparently resorted to eating it to satisfy his urges.

Weird times I tell you...

Tutte, SLAYER OF JOURNALISTS, PRIVATE INVESTIGATORS and INNOCENT PEOPLE has spoken.

Do YOU beleive his denials of the GLARINGLY OBVIOUS?

Only YOU, GOOD CITIZENS OF THIS THING OF OURS can decide.............

TBC.