What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!

What’s better than Ted Danson?
Ted singing and Danson!

What did the the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two!

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

What does a nosey pepper do?
It gets jalapeño business!

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry" says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group. "But you can't come in here without a Thai"

A gynaecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so he thought he'd become a mechanic. So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynaecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result.

The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said "no no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it a fantastic job really, and then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler."

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

Why is it spelled "Color" in the US but "Colour" in Britain?
Because after the revolutionary war, the freed United States told Britain defiantly, "We're getting rid of you".

This one is fairly new and still fresh...
I heard Bill and Melinda Gates are getting divorced.
Apparently he refused to ever empty the recycle bin.

What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing. They fast.

What do you call a fly without wings? A walk!

A woman brings a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she lays her beloved pet duck on the table, the vet puts his stethoscope to the bird’s chest and listens carefully.

A moment later the vet shakes his head and says sadly, “I’m really sorry mam, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.“

The woman becomes quite distressed and begins to cry.

“Are you sure?” she says with tears flooding from her eyes.

“Yes mam, I am sure” the vet responds. “Your duck is definitely dead.“

“But how can you be so sure?” the woman protests. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything have you? Perhaps he’s just stunned or in a coma or something.”

The vet rolls his eyes, then turns around and leaves the room.

A few minutes later he returns with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck’s owner looks on in amazement, the Labrador stands on his hind legs, puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffs around the duck from top to bottom. He then looks up at the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head.

The vet pats the dog on the head and takes it out of the room.

A few minutes later the vet returns with a cat. The cat jumps on the table and delicately sniffs at the bird from its head to its feet. After a moment the cat looks up, shakes its head, meows softly and strolls out of the room.

The vet looks at the woman and says, “Look mam I’m really sorry, but as I said before, this is most definitely a duck that is no longer of this world. Your duck is dead.“

The vet then turns to his computer terminal, hits a few keys and produces a bill, which he hands to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, looks at the bill and sees it is $150.

“$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” she shrieks with incredulity

The vet shrugs his shoulders and says, “I’m sorry mam. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. However with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.“

What kind of car runs on leaves? An autumn-mobile!

Two wind turbines are in a field, one asks the other, "what kind of music do you like?"

The second one replies: "I'm a big metal fan"

A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
 

"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
 

One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"
 

"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.

"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.

"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.
 

"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.

 "No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.

 "Tell me why," says the priest.

"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."

The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."

"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.

ooops! :P

I was in a bookshop recently and this guy came in, started ranting and throwing Stephen King books at everyone.

I wondered what could trigger this sort of behaviour, then IT hit me

A Bloke in Newcastle walks up to the bar with a big ostrich behind  him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him.  The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some curiosity,  and says, "What'll it be?"

     The man says," I'll have a pint," and turns to the ostrich,  "What's yours?" "I'll have a pint as well," says the ostrich. Bloke  looks at the cat, and says, "I suppose you want a drink too." "The  cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't fookin' payin'!"

     So the barman pulls two and a half pints, and says,  "That'll be three pounds forty, please." The man reaches into his  pocket, feels around, and, to the barman's surprise, pulls out  exactly the three-forty in change.

     A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls  the exact amount out of the same pocket.  The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat return to the  same bar. "I'll have a pint," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich, and the cat orders up a half ... "But I ain't fookin' payin'!" Repeat of yesterday. The bloke pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket.

     This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one  evening, the trio enter again.

     "The same?" asks the barman. "Well," says the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch." He turns to the ostrich inquiringly. The bird says, "I'll have a large scotch as well." The cat says, "I'll have a small scotch ... but I ain't fookin' payin'!"

     The barman rings up the drinks and turns, with a sly grin, "That'll be seven pounds twenty, please." To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven & twenty out of his pocket.

     As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can contain his curiosity no longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's something I must know... how do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket...every time?"

     "Well," says the man, "it's a long story. But basically, several years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes."

     That's fantastic," says the barkeep, "what did you wish for?"

     "Well, if I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there."

     "That's brilliant" says the barman, "most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live."

     "That's right, whether its a quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!"

     As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last thing, sir... err, your friends there... we don't get many cats or ostriches drinkin' in 'ere...?"

     The man looks glum. "Yes, I know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

I heard one the other day about Adele.. something about why didn't she cross the road? Saying hello from the otherside? Dumb just real dumb

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and George said, "No," and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. 

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Starting Salary

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $175,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." 

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" 

The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Someone went the market, he asked the seller saying "do have a white cheese?", the seller looked at him and said "no I don't have white cheese", he said that but he do have white cheese, hahaha.