A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, "I want a grilled …. cheese." The waiter says, "What's with the pause?" "Whaddya mean?" the bear replies. "I'm a bear!"

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

This time an Easter joke!

A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday. After the egg hunt, he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly coloured one. Minutes later, the rooster walks in. He spots the coloured eggs, then storms out and beats up the peacock.

🤣🤣

A man went to see the doctor and exclaimed, “Doctor, I need your help. Some mornings I wake up thinking I’m Mickey Mouse, and other times I think I’m Donald Duck!”
The doctor nodded. “I see. And how long have you been having these Disney spells?”

If you watch The Lion King closely, you’ll notice lots of Simba-lism!

Q: What happened the first time Mickey and Minnie saw each other?
A: It was glove at first sight!

Q: What does the rapper Lil Jon say when he visits Disneyland?
A: Turn down for Walt!

Q: What did Captain Hook’s sidekick say to Adele?
A: Hello, it’s Smee!

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

 That has to be at least in the top 5. 

What do sprinters eat before a race?   Nothing,  they fast!!  

How does Moses make his coffee?  Hebrews it,

I’m starting a new dating service in Prague. It's called Czech-Mate.

What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

- A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.

Yes, it’s bad. Very bad. I never remember good jokes though. Rubbish ones are funnier.

Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
When he asked them to name the world’s best composer, they all said, “Bach bach bach!”

Woman: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000; is it okay if I buy it?”

Man: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

Woman: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”

Man: “How much?”

Woman: “$90,000.”

Man: “Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

Woman: “Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.

Man: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80,000 if it’s what you really want.”

Woman: “Okay. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

Man: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns around and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.
He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."

Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"

Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."

Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"

Cop: "More important, sir."

Chief: "A major politician?"

Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."

Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"

Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

I always had a love hate relationship with horrible jokes. Here's a few.

Q: What's your New Year Resolution

A: Something that goes in one year and goes out the other.

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Everyone's excited for 2021, but don't forget, the year after is 2020 too.

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HAHAAAA... I hate myself.

i spent waaaay too much time on tumblr once upon at time, and pretty much everything on there is a good but bad joke... like, what does a house wear? address \o/

What did one hotdog say to the other? Hi Frank. 

Did you hear about the dude who took a shit on the elevator? He took that shit to a whole new level.

I am sorry, your online class on how to cope with disappoimtments has just been cancelled.

Let me spell that right

A man walks into a bar and it’s empty, it’s just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink.

He hears someone whisper, “Pssst…I like your tie.” The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone.

“Pssst…that color looks nice on you.”

He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?”

The bartender rolls his eyes and says, “No, sorry about that. It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”

A man came through my lane at the grocery store with a jug of wine and a bouquet of roses. But before paying, he set the two items aside and said, “I’ll be right back.” He ran off, only to ­return a minute later with a second jug of wine and another bouquet of roses. “Two girlfriends?” I asked.“No,” he said. “Just one really angry one.”

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.

Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?

Son: At school. The robot slaps the son.

Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda! The robot slaps his son again.

Son: Okay I was watching violent movies!

Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies! The robot slaps the dad.

Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son. The robot slaps the mom...