Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper water makes them sneeze, silly!

achoo!

Heard about this man, he was in this dark restaurant. He said to the lady sitting next to him," would you like to hear a blonde joke? She said, " before you tell me you should know, I'm blonde, six feet tall and a professional body builder. The lady sitting next to me is blonde, six feet two, and a professional wrestler. Next to her the lady is six feet five inches, blonde, and the world kick boxing champion. Now do you still want to tell me your blonde joke? He thought about it a moment then said," no, not if I have to explain it three times.

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.

Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.

About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired." 

Easter is fast approaching so I'll go with a couple of Easter themed jokes.

Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients?

They hid their own eggs!

What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards? 

A receding hareline.

Oh yeah bring on the easter jokes!

Why did the Easter egg hide?

Because he was a little chicken!

What do you call a bunny with fleas?

Bugs Bunny!

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

Here's a good one I found today, Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gar or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.

I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their mustache, and suddenly...She isn’t your friend anymore.

Since it's almost St. Patrick's Day!

When Billy saw Paddy with one of his shoelaces undone, he said, “Watch you don’t trip up over your laces, Paddy.”

Paddy said, “Yeah, it’s these bloody instructions.”

Billy said, “What instructions, Paddy?”

Paddy replies, “Underneath the shoe, it says ‘Taiwan’

A couple more Easter jokes of the knock knock variety.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Wendy.
Wendy who?
Wendy Easter Bunny coming?

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Alma.
Alma who?
Alma Easter eggs are gone. Can I have one of yours?

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Horse walks in to a bar, barman says "why the long face?"

A white horse walks in to a bar, 

barman says "I've got a whisky named after you!"

Horse replies "what, Eric?"

Quasimodo walks in to a bar and orders a Scotch

Barman says "Bell's alright?"

Quasimodo says "Mind your own bleedin' business"

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Joey standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.

It was covered with names and had small United States flags mounted on both sides of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Joey.”

“Good morning Father,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Father, what is this?”

The pastor said, “Well son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Joey’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, “Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30?

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. I rang her up to arrange a date, but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.

Two fish in a tank. One says: "How do you drive this thing?"

Child "Dad I'm cold"

Me "Hi cold I'm Dad"

Gets them every time

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

This is one from a comic book:

Two patients at an insane asylum decided to escape. They were running across the rooftop when they reached a large gap. The first patient jumped the gap easily. The other hesitated. The first turned and asked what’s wrong. “I don’t think I can make it” said the second. “Don’t worry, I’ve got my flashlight. I’ll just turn it on, and lay it down. Then you can walk across the beam” replied the first. “What do you think I am, crazy?” He said. “You’ll turn it off when I’m half way across!”