My son said this one earlier, actually thought it was pretty funny.

Where does a horse live? In a Neigh-bor-hoooooooooood. - In a horses voice and neigh of course.

What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair?

Chocolate Chip Wookiee.

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.

The bartender said, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”

Heres a joke about betrayal ...

Why did only one of Jesus' disciple betray him?

There wasn't enough wood for a double cross.

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

Why don't ducks like reading directions?  They prefer to wing it.

Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.

A couple are having marital difficulties, and the wife suggests they see a marriage counsellor. At their first session the counsellor asks the couple to explain to each other how they feel about their marriage. The wife says: “We are at a crossroads. To the left is bitterness, resentment, divorce and a life of unhappiness. To the right is reconciliation, love and lifelong happiness.” The husband says: “I think you’ll find that’s a T-junction.”

I'm dating this Asian girl named Chu Me. Yea she's a sweetheart and a freak in the sheets, loves when I eat her out. 

Shortly after tying the knot, a young married couple started arguing over who should make the coffee. Being a good Christian woman, the wife went to the scriptures for her answer. She said that the Bible specifically stated that men should be the ones to make the coffee.

Puzzled, the husband asked her where in the Bible it said that. Very confidently, the wife opened up her Bible and said: “It’s right here—HEBREWS.”

When two vegans and having a fight is it still called a beef?

What rock group has four men that don’t sing? Mount Rushmore.

Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe!

Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital? The ultrasound man. Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital when the ultrasound man isn’t working? The hip replacement guy. 

"The date.

A long, long while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu: Shrimp cocktail, lobster along with champagne.

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied "but my mother is not expecting to get laid tonight" 

I said, "Would you care for dessert?"

My daughter received this e-mail from a prospective student prior to the start of the semester: “Dear Professor, I won’t be able to come to any of your classes or meet for any of the tests. Is this a problem?” 

Little Baby Balloon was afraid at night and got into the habit of creeping into Mammy and Daddy Balloon’s bed in the middle of the night. Daddy Balloon was very unhappy and told Baby Balloon to stay in his own bed. The following night Little Baby Balloon crept into his mammy and daddy’s bed but couldn’t fit in, because they were sleeping so close together, and he wanted to be between them for the warmth. Having tried and failed to squeeze in, he decided to open up Mammy Balloon’s knot, to let just a tiny bit of air out, but he still didn’t fit in. So he decided to open up Daddy Balloon’s knot, to let just a tiny bit of air out, but, you guessed it, he still didn’t fit in. Finally, he decided to let just a tiny bit of air out of his own knot. At last, it worked. Baby Balloon squeezed comfortably into the space between Mammy and Daddy Balloon in their bed. In the morning Daddy Balloon was angry to see Little Baby Balloon in their bed and admonished him: “I’m very disappointed, Baby Balloon. You have disobeyed us again. You have let your mammy down, let your daddy down and, worst of all, let yourself down.”

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"