My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

Bartender: “What’s the matter buddy?”
Man: “I caught my wife in bed with my best friend.”
Bartender: “What did you do?”
Man: “I told her to get the hell out!”
Bartender: “What about your friend?”
Man: “I looked him straight in the eyes and said ‘bad dog!’”

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” 

“I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting."

oh my god, i've got a million of these but i'll start with - 

two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says

'do you know how to drive this thing?'

A man is sat in a bar and faintly hears someone say 'You look fantastic!'

He turns to see nobody behind him, puzzled he keeps drinking his beer and then again someone whispers 'That is a damn nice suit'

He checked over his shoulder once more and sees only a bowl of peanuts on the bar.

The bar man walks over to see what was concerning the man at the bar and asks 'What's up'?

The man replies 'I may be going crazy but I swear these peanuts are talking to me....'

The bar man replies 'well yes of course, they are complimentary peanuts'

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow."

Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room Me: How old are your kids? Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13. Me: That’s quite the age difference! Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grandkids, so I made my own.

I was chatting on zoom to a guy I work with and cracked a couple of jokes, he didn't laugh at all. I mentioned that when we were in the office together he always laughed at my jokes, but since we've been in lockdown he doesn't. He told me that my jokes weren't remotely funny.

A rabbit comes into the bakery, and asks the baker "Do you have any carrot cake?". The baker is quite surprised, but has to respond "no". The rabbit leaves the store. The next day, the rabbit returns, and asks the baker "Do you sell carrot cake now?", but the baker again has to say "no". After the rabbit leaves the baker feels kind of guilty that he can't sell the rabbit a carrot cake. He looks up the recipe for carrot cake, buys the needed ingredients and bakes one.
The next day, the rabbit returns and again asks the baker for carrot cake. The baker answers "Yes, I do!" with glee, happy to finally help this customer out. To this the rabbit answers "Disgusting, isn't it?"

ah another one of my faves goes like this

2 parrots on a perch, one turns to the other and says - 

'can you smell fish?'

THREE TREES AND A WOODPECKER
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."

Now wipe that smile off your face.

“I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.”

“I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died… which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine”

Yesterday after my shower I accidentally used laughing gas under my arms instead of deodorant.

I smelt funny all day.

My doctor gave me 2 months, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 20 years!

An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

The story begins on a handful of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 American men and 1 American woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage a trois.

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
I eat mop.
I eat mop who?
You eat your poo?! Gross!

What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!”
The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”

A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.”
“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.” Sick?

What did the buffalo say when his son left? Bison!

I was sitting in traffic the other day.  Probably why I got run over.