An old Native American man has a need to borrow $500, so he goes to his local bank and asks to speak with the Loans officer.

The banker welcomes him and then says a loan application form must be completed. So he takes a loan application form from his desk drawer and begins to question the old man.

“So, what are you going to do with the money?” he asks the man.

“Buy silver, make jewelry, then sell it,” the man responded.

“And what have you got for collateral?” asked the banker.

“Don’t know collateral,” replied the old man

“Well that’s something of value that you provide us with to cover the cost of the loan if you fail to repay,” said the banker. “For instance, have you got any vehicles?“

“Yes. 1979 Chevy pickup,” replied the old man

The banker shook his head, “No that won’t do, I’m afraid. How about livestock?“

“Yes, I have a horse,” replied the old man.

“How old is it?” the banker enquired.

“Don’t know, has no teeth,” replies the old man.

The conversation went on like this for a while but eventually the banker decides to grant the $500 loan to the old man.

Several weeks later the old man returns to the bank.

He pulls out a large roll of $100 bills from his pocket, “Here to pay,” he says.

He then hands the banker $500 in $100 bills to repay his loan.

“Business has been good I can see,” says the banker. “What are you going to do with the rest of that money?“

“Keep it close to me,” the old man responded.

“Why don’t you just deposit it in my bank,” the banker enquired.

“Don’t know deposit,” replied the old man

“Well, you just put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. Whenever you want to use it, you can withdraw it,” the banker responded.

The old Native American man leans across the desk and looks the banker in the eye and asks, “What you got for collateral?“

A Spanish captain was walking on his ship when a soldier rushes to him and exclaims, "An enemy ship is approaching us!" The captain replies calmly, "Go get my red shirt." The soldier gets the shirt for the captain. The enemy ship comes in and heavy rounds of fire are exchanged. Finally, the Spaniards win. The soldier asks, "Congrats sir, but why the red shirt?" The captain replies, "If I got injured, my blood shouldn't be seen, as I didn't want my men to lose hope." Just then, another soldier runs up and says, "Sir, we just spotted another twenty enemy ships!" The captain calmly replies, "Go bring my yellow pants."

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.

Heard about this lady, she surprised a burglar in her kitchen late one night. She was home alone, didn't have any weapon. She thought, I'll just say a scripture verse. She shouted, " Acts 2:38. The burglar froze in his tracts, and wouldn't move. Soon the Police arrived. They were amazed that a woman with no weapon could do this. They said to the burglar, "what was it about that scripture, that had such a effect on you? He said, " scripture! What scripture? I thought she said that she had a ax and two 38's.

I went clothes shopping the other day.

The assistant said "Strip down facing me."

Alas it was already too late by the time I realised she was talking about the credit card

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day. 'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.' A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.' 

NASA was preparing for the Apollo project.

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.

After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

In honour of Father's Day, here are some bad dad jokes!

1. Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.

2. What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!

3. What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs!

4. Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: 'sorry we don't serve food here'

6. Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!

7. Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He's all right now!

8. I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!

9. I went to a seafood disco last week! Pulled a mussel!

10. What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!

Happy Father's Day to all the Dads!! 

A guy is late for an important meeting.
But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"
 

Paddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. Paddy says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?" Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"

An Native American chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide.

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

 

"What do you call a snobby criminal going downstairs?"
- A condescending con descending.

Okay that one broke my brain. No matter how many times I look at it. Just yikes.

A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment

that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,

"Thou shall not kill."

Why don't fishes play instruments? Cause you can tune a guitar but you can't Tuna Fish! lol real knee slapper there haha. 

What is the most richest fish in the world? a Gold Fish, I'm on a roll here.

What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach? "It's not you, it's a-me!"

What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.

What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time.

Why did the teacher love the whiteboard? She just thought it was remarkable!

I had visited a cafe one day with my friends. The waiter recommended that we try their special coffee. We agreed and soon the coffee arrived. As we drink the coffee, we realized that it tastes like dirt and mud. Disgusted by the fact, all of us complained immediately. The alarmed waiter rushes over and says, "Well Sir, it was freshly ground coffee!"

“They say one in ten people want a sex toy for Christmas, and that’s a lie, isn’t it? You open presents in front of your family! Who’s there going, ‘What have you got, Nan? A butt plug? Same here!”

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

Heard about this teenager who just got his driver's license. He asked his father about borrowing the car. Dad said, " son, I'll make a deal with you. If you bring up your grades, read your Bible everyday, and cut your hair. I'll let you borrow the car. He came back a few weeks later asking about it again. The dad said, " son, you brought your grades up, you been reading your Bible, but you haven't cut your hair. Son said, " dad I've been thinking about that, and Moses had long hair, Samson had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair. Dad said, " yes son, but they walked everywhere

"What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?"
- Bob.

Wow!

Okay that one actually made me laugh and feel a little bad for laughing.

I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.