I witnessed an attempted murder earlier. Fortunately, only one crow showed up!

One day three men are out having a relaxing day fishing, when suddenly they catch a mermaid. After hauling the mermaid up in a net, she promises that if the men set her free, in return she will grant each of them a wish.

The first man doesn’t believe it so he says, “Alright, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ.” The mermaid says, “Done” and suddenly, the first man starts to flawlessly recite Shakespeare and analyze it with extreme insight.

The second man is so amazed, he looks at the mermaid and says, “Triple my IQ.” The mermaid says, “Done” and the second man starts to recite solutions to all of the mathematical problems that have been stumping all of the scientists in various fields from physics to chemistry, etc.

The third man is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, he

says to the mermaid: “Quintuple my IQ.” The mermaid looks at him and says, “You know, I normally don’t try to change people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you’d reconsider.”

The man responds, “Nope, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free.”

“Please,” said the mermaid “You don’t know what you’re asking…it’ll change your entire view of the universe. Won’t you ask for something else… a million dollars, anything?”

But no matter what the mermaid said, the third man insisted on having his IQ increased by five times it’s usual power.

So the mermaid finally relented and said, “Done.”

The third man became a woman.

There was a plane and it had 5 people in it: a president, a lawyer, a young teenage boy, a priest and a blonde girl. The plane driver said that the plane was going to crash so one of them has to jump off without a parachute because there was only 4 so they were talking to each other about who was going to jump off without a parachute. The president spoke first and he said " I run a part of this earth so I should get a parachute" so he jumped off with one. Then the blonde girl spoke and she said " I look beautiful so I should get one too" so she jumped off with one. The next person to speak was the lawyer and he said " I help people solve their problems so I should get one" so he jumped off with one. Now there was only two people left: a priest and the teenage boy. The priest said to the boy " here you take the last parachute and go because you will live a longer life then me" but then the boy said "no, it's all right because there is still 2 parachutes left. The blonde girl only took my backpack".

Why did Mozart hate chickens? Because when he asked them for their favorite composer, they said, “Bach! Bach! Bach!”

I was at the library and I approached the front desk. I said to the librarian, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat?"

Without missing a beat she replied, "It rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

hen I'm up early, far too early, or I'm just generally feeling tired, I often describe the time of day as a "Pigs Tail". Most often prompts people to ask why, and it's because it's Twirley.

It's Toowerly.

It's too early.

Terrible, I know.

A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch.

"Help! Is there anybody up there?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up there?"

What does Hawkeye wear with his suit?

A bow tie.

 

What did Black Widow say to Hawkeye?

"You make me quiver."

A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey… and a cola.”

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure. I was born with them.”

As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine

Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office

An Indian cab driver picked up a Japanese man from a hotel. Along the way, they saw a Honda motorcycle overtake the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, "Motorcycle very fast, made in Japan." Then a Toyota car overtook the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, "Car very fast, made in Japan." When they reached the destination the fare was 1500 rupees. The Japanese man thought the ride was would only cost 500 rupees. He asked the driver why the ride was so expensive. The driver said, "Meter very fast, made in India."

If you’re American when you go in the bathroom…

… and American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom?

European.

Q: What does a star win in a competition?
A: A constellation prize

Q: What kind of stars wear sunglasses?
A: Movie stars

Q: Why did the star get arrested?
A: Because it was a shooting star!

A very boring preacher spoke at a service. Afterwards, a member of the congregation told the preacher that his sermon reminded him of the peace and love of God. 

Rather pleased with himself, the preacher was delighted and asked the member why. 

"Well, replied the member, the peace of God because it passed all understanding and the love of God because it went on for ever"

So there's this game that I play that has a daily set of missions that need to be completed for points, and one of the missions in the game is to post in a outside forum. It's my most hated mission and it truly upsets me every single time I see it.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute.

“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.” “Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.” “Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.” “Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.” “Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.” “What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!”

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

Poor guy really needed some space.

Why did Mozart hate chickens?

Because when he asked them for their favorite composer, they said, “Bach! Bach! Bach!”

Four men rob a bank in a small town, they collect $700 from the bank and ask wheres the money the teller said its a savings and loan. The leader ask we know that and the teller say's we loan what they save.  Up set the lead ask a man did I rob this bank and the man on the ground says you sure did.  The lead punched the man.  A lady laying next to him yells on My husband with the green hat on said he knows your name and your liecense number.