I got into the car and couldn't figure out how the seatbelt worked!! Then it clicked!

What do you call a bear with no socks or shoes??

.......................................

Barefoot!

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? 

.......................................

He felt his presents!

Quickly finds the door.

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
The following day, the girl says to her mother. ‘Mum, today we measured our chests in class and mine is the largest! Is that because I’m blonde?’
‘No darling, that’s because you’re 18.’

Muggy here with a chance of thinderstorm.

however, not Far East of me they are expecting a tornado - so thoughts and positive wishes are with theM!!!

I was walking down a country lane the other day when I saw as sign that read "Duck, eggs".

I wondered why the comma was there. Then it hit me.

Two windmills are standing on a wind farm.

One asks, “What’s your favorite type of music?”

The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
2. Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.
3. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”
4. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.

This is a joke i heard that was so bad it was good, if that makes any sense.

So i went to a wedding last night.

It was so emotional, even the cake was in tiers.

:)

What's the difference between Batman and a robber?

Batman can go into a store without Robin.

What do you call it when Batman skips Church?

Christian Bale.

Dad: Son, I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: No.
Dad: The girl is Bill Gate's daughter.
Son: Okay then!
Dad goes to Bill Gate.
Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates: No.
Dad: My son is the CEO of the world's greatest bank.
Bill Gates: Okay then!
Dad goes to the CEO of the world's greatest bank.
Dad: Make my son the CEO.
CEO: No.
Dad: My son is the son-in-law of Bill Gates.
CEO: Okay then!
This is BUSINESS.

What did the fish say when he swam in to a wall..

Dam!

Did you hear about the guy that invented the "Knock knock" joke...

He won the "No-Bell" Prize

The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. 

They fear that social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

I bet they are excited about flattening the curve, though. 

That nobel prize joke reminded me of one of my favourite rubbish joke:

- Why do cows wear bells?

- Cos their horns don't work.

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"

Johnny says, "None."

The teacher asks, "Why?"

Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."

The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."

Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"

The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream."

Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

Ofcourse I believe in astrology....

I am just like my star sign. A virgin.

What's the difference between Astrology and Astronomy?

About 50 IQ points.

A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.

“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach."

A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she says, "Perfume." So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Fuck!" The boy asks, "Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "preparing." Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets." The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken.