“There was an old couple who hadn’t celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string. When she walked out of the room, her husband yelled, ‘You can’t go out like that!’ ‘I can go out as whatever I want, and so can you!’ The man agreed and went into his room. Soon, he came out naked with a string tied to his penis and a potato at the end of the string. The woman said, ‘You’re going out as that?’ ‘Yes,’ said the old man. ‘If you can go out as a sourpuss, I can go out as a dicktator.’”

A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bs driver. The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling." The bus annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your mom was a drunk and your dad was a bum?" The boy responds, "Then I'd be a bus driver."

Well I genuinely suck at Jokes. can't remember the last time I made a joke or an attempt at it. Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hired a call girl for him. When he answered the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

A man is walking along a beach and finds a bottle. When he rubs the bottle, a genie appears and says, "I can grant you one wish." "Well," says the man, "I have never been too fond of flying, so could you make a highway from California to Hawaii?" The genie says, "Do you know how much of my power that would take?" The man says, "Okay, I have never really gotten girls, so could you make that happen?" The genie says, "You want that highway two lane or four lane?"

How do you make an artichoke?
You strangle it.

Har har har, this joke is so stupid it needs it's own segment on CNN

A policeman found a dead body of a man on the street, he thought he recognized the body and the 2 friends he usually hung out with so he called in one of the friends.

The friend looked into the dead body’s face and said, “yep that’s definitely Joe,” but then to be absolutely sure he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants and said, "oh no wait that’s not Joe. the policeman called in the 2nd friend, the 2nd friend looked into the dead body’s face and said, “yep that’s definitely Joe,” but then to be absolutely sure he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants and said, "oh no wait that’s not Joe.

Confused the policeman asked, “how is it that when you look into his face you’re sure he is your friend, but when you look at his ass you’re sure he is not?” The 1st friend said, “well you see Joe has 2 assholes.” "Are you serious? the policeman asked. “Oh yes,” he replied, “we’ve never actually seen them but when the 3 of us hang out together people point and say, hey there’s Joe with those 2 assholes.”

I can't begin to describe just how much I regret buying the flat upstairs from Lionel Ritchie.

I tried to organize a professional Hide-and-Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find.

Why don't you breath in a cemetry? 

Cause! You make the dead people jealous. 

There was this little boy about 10 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a whore house and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no. He said,"I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want!" Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, because that damn mailman is the son-of-a-bi*ch who ran over my FROG!"

1. What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool? Rock pay-for scissors.

1. I will never understand why manslaughter is illegal. Men should be able to laugh at whatever they want.
2. What did the green grape say to the purple grape? "Breathe, damn it! Breathe!"
3. They told me a mask was enough to get into the supermarket. They lied, everybody else was also wearing pants.

Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.

Q: If an electric train is traveling north-by-northeast at 59 MPH, and the wind is blowing west at 18 MPH, which way is the smoke blowing? A: There is no smoke; it's an electric train.

I went to the doctor and he asked "whats the matter" and i said "doc i have broke my Arm in 3 places and he says "well dont go to those places"

One day, a father and his daughter are together. The father is putting the daughter to sleep. After the father leaves, he hears her saying her prayers. He hears her say, '' God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa. The father hears all of this and barges back into the room. He asks her, '' Why did you say the last part? '' The daughter replies, '' Because I needed to. '' The next day, grandpa dies. The father thinks, '' Is this just a coincidence? ''
That night he tucks her daughter into bed. He leaves the room to only hear her prayers again. He hears, '' Bless mommy and daddy, rest in peace grandma. '' The father now is thinking, '' Holy shit, my daughter can see into the future? '' The next day, grandma dies. A week later nothing happens, but the night before Sunday, he is tucking his daughter into bed once more. He leaves and listens for any more prayers. Sure enough, there is another prayer. He hears, '' Bless you mommy, rest in peace daddy. '' The father starts panicking and saying, '' Holy shit! I'm going to die tomorrow! '' The following start of the next day consisted the father being alert all the time, checking the clock, looking around the room, etc. He goes to work to do the same things, being alert, all of that. He looks at the clock again 3 hours later. It's past midnight. The father says, '' How is this possible? I should be dead! '' He goes home and finds his wife on the couch with a scared look on her face. She asks, '' What took you so long!? '' The father says, '' Listen honey, today I haven't had the best of days. '' Then as soon as he is about to tell what happened, she bursts out, '' I saw the mailman die yesterday! ''

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he Neverlands. (I love this joke because it never grows old.)