Do What I Do

Norma and Sonia were talking about their grandchildren after the holidays. Norma said, "My daughter-in-law stopped making my grandchildren send their 'thank you' notes. Each year I sent the grandchildren a card with a generous check inside. I always received a lovely `thank you' note. However, since my daughter-in-law stopped making the grandkids send thank you notes, I never hear from them."

Sonia said, "My daughter-in-law never made the grandchildren send `thank you' notes. I too send them a very generous check. However, for the past several years, I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit."

"Wow," remarked Norma. "I wish mine would do that."

"You can, Norma, you can."

"How?" Norma asked

"Simple. Do what I do. Don't sign the check."

"Knock Knock"

"Who's There"

"Interrupting Cow"

"Interrupting cow, h..."

"MOO!!" 

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?" The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

Q: When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims?

A: On Fry Day.

Q: How do you write a book about Halloween?

A: With a ghostwriter.

Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?

A: At the casketeria.

Q: Why do vampires need mouthwash?

A: They have bat breath.

Q: What is a vampire’s favorite holiday?

A: Fangsgiving.

 I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.

But if anything, it made him more sluggish.

You know, it was so cold in D.C. the other day, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

The man says "Aren't you the guy who charges 10k a bullet?" The hitman replies "Yeah, thats me." The man says "I have a job for you. I got 20k spare, and I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and my friend in the penis." The hitman accepts the offer, and the man gives him the name of the hotel they are staying at.

They both arrive at the hotel, and climb to the roof of a building next to it. The hitman aims at the window of the wife's hotel room. The man says to the hitman "Why are you taking so long? Go ahead and take the shot!" The hitman says, "Be patient. I'm trying to save you $10,000."

"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"

Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing and the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing." He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."

"Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.

"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste, mostly.

How do you catch a polar bear? 

First yout cut a hole in the ice.  

Then you line the hole with frozen peas.

When the polar bear comes to take a pea

You kick him in the icehole! 

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know but the flag is a big plus. 

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they’re happy. They tell him, “Well, we’re so sick of the cold where we’re from, and this place is nice and toasty.”

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell’s boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians’ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they’re doing.

“Well, we can’t pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!”

Satan realizes he’s been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it’s at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.

He knows he’s won now, so he goes back to the Canadians’ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

He shouts at them in fury, “WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!”

They look at him and shout at the same time, “Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!”

How do you get Pikachu on the bus?

YOU POKE HIM ON

I wanted to find something special for my contribution to this. I had even whittled a huge list of puns down to a short list of 10. As I glanced down them trying to decide on the best one I suddenly realized no pun in ten did