A few years ago, my husband was in charge of the church sign.  He became quite good at coming up with posts that were humorous as well as thought provoking such as “It’s Lent - Repent”.  However, there were several the pastor refejected such as “Get your keister here on Easter” or when a Jehovah Witness church moved across the road, “Hey Jehovah, come on Ovah”.  Another rejected one was “Free admission, padded pews - welcome Christians, welcome Jews!”.  How about, “Learn what hell is - come hear Pastor John preach”!  (BIG rejection)!

-what's the difference of  a viola player between a prostitute ?

+ prostitute knows more position than viola player 

xD

 

1. There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. (…Only a fraction of people will get this clean joke.)

2. What do dentists call their x-rays?

Tooth pics!

3. Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

4. What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, it just waved.

A man asks his buddy for a cigarette. His friend quips, “I thought you made a New Year’s resolution and that you don’t smoke.” The man replied,  “I’m in phase one of quitting.” Confused, his friend asked, “Phase one?” The man laughed, “Yes. I’ve quit buying.”

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 24 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replied, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

Rip funny lady 

“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”
—(Betty White),

"Get a good solid 8 hrs of beauty sleep, unless your ugly then get 9"

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.

Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?
Son: At school. The robot slaps the son.
Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda! The robot slaps his son again.
Son: Okay I was watching violent movies!
Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies! The robot slaps the dad.
Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son. The robot slaps the mom...
 

The missus served up a burnt Hawaiian pizza for dinner last night. She wasn’t impressed when I suggested that she should have used aloha setting when it was in the oven.

My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed.

I just can’t remember where.

What do you call Dora when she works online?

An internet explorer.

Where does swiper go on holiday?

Oman

I am going to post an oldie:

What does a baby computer call its father? Data

There once was a man and a woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other... except that the old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open it or ask her about it.

For all these years he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would never recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it he found 2 beautifully crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling over $25,000. He asked her about the unusual contents.

"When we were married," she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with joy and happiness.

"Sweetheart," he said... "that explains the doilies, but what about all this money? Where did it all come from?"

Oh," she said, " that's the money I made from selling the doilies."

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

• What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.
• Why did the baby strawberry cry? His parents were in a jam.
• How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.
• What does a sprinter eat before race day? Nothing, they fast!
• Where do you learn to make a banana split? Sundae school.
• Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.
• How do you stop bulls from charging? You cancel their credit cards.
• Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

What did one Jedi say to the other on Valentine’s Day?

Yoda one for me!

What did one sheep say to the other on February 14?"

"I love ewe.

A priest, an imam and a rabbit walked into a bar.
The rabbit says: "I think I'm a typo."
Someone I know used to date a girl with a lazy eye.  It turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.