A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”.

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”.

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”.

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”.

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”.

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”.

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”.

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”.

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is ‘yes’.”.

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”.

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”.

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”.

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.”

The worst one I've heard goes like...

"Knock knock"

"who's there?"

"interrupting cow"

"interrupting co-"

"MOO"

Two week's notice? You should of noticed two week's ago that I was going to quit. 

Dumb one but it always stuck with my after hearing it. 

- I have a good news and a bad news. The bad news is that we're going to have to amputate his left leg.

- And what's the good news?

- The good news is that you will start the year off on the right foot.

1. Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
   A: An im-pasta.
2. Q: How do you make an artichoke?
   A: You strangle it.
3. Q: Why did the tomato blush?
   A: Because it saw the salad dressing.
4. Q: Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties?
   A: Because they’re such fungis! (Fun guys, get it?)
5. Q: What did one plate whisper to the other plate?
   A: Dinner is on me.
6. Q: Did you hear about the famous pickle?
   A: He was a big dill!

1. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.
2. I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.
3. What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.
4. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
5. Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.
6. Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins? You just have to listen varicosely.
7. Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
8. I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.
9. What's the opposite of irony? Wrinkly.
10. I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.

Why was the Easter bunny upset?

A: He was having a bad hare day

What happened to the Easter bunny at school?

A: He was eggspelled

1. Got a PS5 for my little brother. Best trade I've ever done!
2. What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.
3. I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust!
4. When you die, what part of the body dies last? The pupils…they dilate.
5. A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb. He just can't part with it.

I’m pretty pleased with this one. I feel it hits the brief perfectly: -

- What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

- One you’ll see later, the other you’ll see in a while.

1. You know there's no official training for trash collectors? They just pick things up as they go along.
2. I'm thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events. I wonder how many people are in that field.
3. What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills? Bernadette.
4. Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back? He was dead-lifting.
5. I saw Usain Bolt sprinting around the track shouting, "Why did the chicken cross the road!?" It was a running joke.
6. Where does the General keep his armies? In his sleevies.
7. How does a squid go into battle? Well-armed.
8. What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.
9. Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.

• "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."
• "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?" "In case they get a hole in one!"
• "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera."
• "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?" "They're both Paris sites."

Why was the Easter bunny upset?

- He was having a bad hare day

What happened to the Easter bunny at school?

- He was eggspelled

My favorite pastor of all time told me this joke.

A man was getting ready to board a train traveling to Dublin, when he was approached by a little old lady. she asked if

he was going to Dublin. He answered yes. Then she tells him, when you get to Dublin and you run into a man named Patrick

Dunn tell him to write his mom, I haven't heard from him in months. The man says he will. hours later he gets off the train and

has to use the restroom really bad but when goes in all the stalls are full.

He knocks on the first one and asks,

Are you done?

The man inside says yes.Then he says.

Write your mom!

1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
2. Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.
3. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”
4. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
5. What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.
6. Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils.
7. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An Envelope.
8. How does the ocean say hello? It waves.
9. What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.
10. What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
Of course. Houses can’t jump.

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
Then I turned myself around.

What’s black and white and goes around and around?
A penguin in a revolving door.

What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.”

God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.

A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.”

God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat… He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”

The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life!

My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious.”

Best one is:

Whats red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

Yes, antijokes are the best!

1. Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar? He got 12 months, they say his days are numbered.

2. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.

3. I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

4. A man walked into his house and was delighted when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.

5. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints.