How many seconds are there in a year? 12, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, etc.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.

Why are oranges the smartest fruit? Because they are made to concentrate.

guy approaches a woman in a bar and askss if she likes ot have a good time.

she replies "sure your place or mine?"

He says "if you are going ot argue about it never mind"

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.

I had a rough day, and then somebody went and ripped the front and back pages from my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse.

Why are fish easy to weigh? Because they have their own scales.

I asked a frenchman if he played video games. He said "Wii"

Q:What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?

A:Do you think he saw us?

"Why do milking stools only have 3 legs?"

- The cow has the udder one!

That has to be THE most "Dad joke" I have and probably will EVER hear in my life and not gonna lie it made me laugh and then cringe like hell. Certainly won't forget it.

What does a cannibal call a pregnant person? Kinder Surprise

My all time favorite dad joke:

Why do golfers always bring a spare pair of socks with them?

in case they get a ‘hole-in-one’!

A friend with scoliosis was trying  to tell me a joke about a week back but he couldn't get it straight. That friend also happened to be gay, he told me that but he wished that he could be straight but it wasnt possible. I dont think he is different. I told him that he is a normal guy, but with a twist.

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
 

"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
 

One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"
 

"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.

"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.

"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.
 

"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.

 "No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.

 "Tell me why," says the priest.

"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."

The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."

"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.

whats big black and has a wee wee hole?

.....

A skillet.

buddum ts

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

My sister has said shes into bestiality..........................il be a monkeys uncle