What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with an angry cow?

Farmyard animals in a baaaaaa-d moooooooo-d

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

The clerk clarified that $250.00 is the standard rate. At that point, the older lady insisted on talking with the manager.

The manager showed up and explained that the hotel "has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them," the old woman said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," he replied.

The manager proceeded with that she could likewise have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.

"We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," he said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

The manager replied, "Well, we have them, and you could have."

Regardless of what facility he recommended, the older lady would just answer, "But I didn't use it!"

The manager then countered with his standard reaction. After several minutes of contending with him, she chose to pay.

The manager was shocked when she gave the check to him. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00," he said.

"That is right. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," the old lady replied.

"But I didn't!" the manager shouted.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Nazi knock knock joke 

knock knock 

whos there 

WE ARE THE ONES WHO ASK THE QUESTIONS 

So there's this guy, reformed gambler, years since he's had a problem. He's there, living a quiet life, minding his own business, doing alright. Then one day he hear's a voice speaking to him. Clear as the person standing next to him.

"Sell everything. Go to Vegas"

He jumps, right? What the hell was that? Feel a shiver run over him and then dismisses it. Carries on with his day. About a week later, same thing happens. Same voice, just as loud and clear as can be.

"Sell everything. Go to Vegas"

This time he's less surprised but more concerned. Hew know's he hasn't summoned this voice. The first time could have been some acid flashback but twice? Same voice? Just as clear, just as loud? No. He can't figure it out so he carries on with his day and tries not to dwell on it. Over the next two months this voice keeps repeating the same line. Just as clear, just as loud. And more often. The poor guy starts to think he's losing his mind. But as time goes on he starts to consider the idea it could be some divine intervention, a voice from a guardian angel or lost ancestor or something. It seems crazy but then isn't the presence of the voice crazy? And he knows that's real. So if that's real anything is possible, right?

Eventually he cracks. It one pivotal moment he decides to do it. He embraces the idea it could be divine and goes for it. After all, life is too short. Right? So he goes about selling everything he owns. House, car, furniture, the lot. Eventually he gets all his amassed worth and get's on a plane to Vegas. He walks out of the airport and right on queue, there's the voice.

"Go to Ceasar's Palace"

At this point he isn't about to wait around for weeks while this voice repeats the same message. He knows the voice. It's distinctive. It's clear. It's inside him. He goes directly to Ceasar's Palace. He walks into the casino and waits. Sure as eggs make omelettes, there's the voice.

"Turn every dollar you have, into chips"

A normal person would have balked at this command. But not our guy. He's galvanized in his assurance at this point. Without a question, he exchanges every dollar he owns, into gambling chips. He turns around with his case of chips and looks across the casino.

"Go to the roulette tables"

He navigates his way over to the roulette area. 

"Go to the high stakes table in the center of the room"

He walks over to the table. It's surrounded by the wealthy. Real high rollers. Everyone at the table is wearing more than he's got in the world. Beautiful men and women, dripping in jewelry, wearing thousand dollar smiles. For the first time since he decided to follow the voice's advice, he paused. As if he'd been lead to the edge of a cliff in his sleep but has suddenly woken to the reality of his situation. He has a massive reality check and starts to question the wisdom of liquidating his entire life and standing at this table with nothing but an unverified voice for guidance. I mean, it is nut's, right? He stands there for a moment with his head in a spin. But then there's the voice, as clear and assured as a ship's bell. 

"Don't worry"

As by a hand from the gods, he regains his composure. Assured and calm he takes a place at the table. 

"Put everything you have on fifteen black"

This was unexpected. I mean, he was resolved to gambling with the money. He'd signed up for the outcome, but the whole lot, one one roll? Surely not, this was madness indeed. He sat there, not knowing what to do. But then there's the voice again.

"Put everything you have on fifteen black"

He sits there, flustered. The pause is turning into doubt. But then there it is again.

"Put everything you have on fifteen black"

Eventually he says what the hell. He's come all this way, why would you trust every word from this voice and choke at the last? With a deep breath he takes his entire fortune and places it on fifteen black. He gulps a little as the croupier closes the betting. The ball is thrown into the wheel and now his entire life is in the hands of the gods. Time slows down, he can hear his heart beat in his ears, like a pounding, adrenaline coursing through him. The ball takes forever to slow and then it start's to bounce and tumble, Eventually it falls into its slot. Thirty four red. Clear as ever, the voice is there again. 

"Fuck"

The browns being up 30-17 with 1:22 left in the game, and losing...to the god damn Jets. I don't understand why I still deal with this every Sunday :'(

I asked my wife "why'd you marry me?" she smiled an said "Because your so funny"

I looked to her an said "I thought it was because of the good sex"

He smiled "See? you're hilarious" an laughed again

I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”

What's black and white and red all over?

A newspaper.

CRINGE!

"What do you call a psychic little person who has escaped from prison?"

 - A small medium at large.

*facepalms*

I'll see myself out.

I will never understand why manslaughter is illegal. Men should be able to laugh at whatever they want.

what is brown and sticky 

a stick