What did the squirrel say when he got his tail chopped off in the fan?

It won't be long now :P

After a husband and wife have a heated argument, the wife calls her mother.

“He fought with me again! I’m coming over to live with you.”

To which her mother replies, “No, no, darling. He must pay for his mistake. I’m coming to live with you.”

"Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?" "Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels."

"A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'"

• "A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'"
• "Where do fruits go on vacation?" "Pear-is!"
• "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."

A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick

Two cows are grazing in a field. One says to the other, “You ever worry about that mad cow disease?”

The other cow says, “Why would I care? I’m a helicopter.”

Just been to the gym they got a new machine in, only used to for half an hour as I started to feel sick.

It's great though it does everything -

Kitkats

Mars bars

crisps the lot.

Heres 2

Q. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?  A. Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.

Q. I asked my partner if I was the only one, she’s been with.  A. She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”

Ok, don't judge me to harshly.   Heard this one in a movie called Silver Bullet.  Gary Busey told the joke to his nephew and niece.  He goes nothing.

This guy goes into a bar and says to the bar tender, "hey jackass...give me a drink"  bar tender gives him a drink.  A few mins. later he says, "hey jackass...give me a drink".  Bar tender goes up to another guy and the guy ask the bar tender, why does he keep calling you a jackass?  

Bar tender says...Hee aww  Hee aww  Hee always calls me that.

Last night I was walking home and took a shortcut through the cemetery. Three girls walked up to me saying they were too scared to walk in the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk with me. I told them: “I understand. I used to be freaked out too when I was alive.”
I’ve never seen anyone run that fast!

OK here's two

What do you call a fish without eyes?

Fsh

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?

Because it's pointless. 

Grown-up crayon colours

• New Flat-Panel Television Pitch
• Turn-Signal Vermilion
• Credit-Card Magnetic-Strip Coal
• Netflix-Envelope Scarlet
• Cubicle Ecru
• Unraked-Leaves Sienna
• Energy-Efficient Fluorescent-Bulb Quartz
• Blue-Screen-of-Death Cobalt

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus knows you’re here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard “Jesus is watching you.”

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”

“Moses,” replied the bird.

“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”

“The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”

A friend of mine lost 3 fingers in an accident to his right hand. He asked the doctor if he would ever be able to write again. Doc said maybe but I wouldn't count on it....

Sorry, it made me chuckle!

It would be Castiel's:

"Why is six afraid of seven?" Now, I assume it's because seven is a prime number, and prime numbers can be intimidating.