With great flourish, the Mexican magician exclaimed, "On the count of three, I shall make myself disappear!"

"Uno!"

"Dos!"



...and then he vanished, without a tres.

Two men meet on opposites sides of a river. One shouts to the other “I need you to help me to get to the other side!”

The other guy shouts, “You are on the other side!”

A truck driver in Alabama was having lunch at a truck stop when 8 motorcyclists came in.

They ate his sandwich, drank his coffee, and took his piece of pie, and he made no move to object.

After he left one of the group laughed and said,

"He sure wasn't much of a man, was he?"

The waitress behind the counter, looking out the window said, "He's not much of a truck driver, either. He just ran over 8 motorcycles!"

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

A drug dealer once dressed up as a mailman

He got caught immediately because he rung the doorbell once.

The best worst joke I have ever heard is rebuild mode. 3 hours of no job coverage = days of rebuild :p logical

A man walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender, "Can I have a cigarette?" The bartender replies, "Sure, the cigarette machine is over there." So he walks over to the machine and as he is about to order a cigarette, the machine suddenly says, "Oi, you bloody idiot." The man says with surprise in his voice, "That's not very nice." He returns to his bar stool without a cigarette and asks the bartender for some peanuts. The bartender passes the man a bowl of peanuts and the man hears one of the peanuts speak, "Ooh, I like your hair." The man says to the bartender, "Hey, what's going on here? Your cigarette machine is insulting me and this peanut is coming on to me. Why's this?" The bartender replies, "Oh, that's because the machine is out of order and the peanuts are complementary."

Why did the coffee file a police report at the station house?

It was mugged.

A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.

“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach."

How do hackers get away from the scene of the crime?

They ransomware.

Two Mafia hitmen are walking through the woods, one in front of the other. The first one says to the other, "It's pretty spooky out here."  The other hitman says to the first one, "You think it's bad now? I have to walk back alone!"

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

Hey stop looking for the perfect match! use a dam lighter hehe (really bad)

Did you hear the new joke about butter? ... well if not, I'm not going to spread it! :P 

Ok that's enough for the day ladies and gents, I will be hear all week if you need to hear more haha.

"I asked an elderly man once what it was like to be old and to know the majority of his life was behind him. He told me that he has been the same age his entire life. He said the voice inside of his head had never aged. He has always just been the same boy. His mother's son. He had always wondered when he would grow up and be an old man. He said he watched his body age and his faculties dull but the person he is inside never got tired. Never aged. Never changed.

Our spirits are eternal. Our souls are forever. The next time you encounter an elderly person, look at them and know they are still a child, just as you are still a child and children will always need love, attention and purpose." ~ Author Unknown

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk." The wasted man asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."

What do they use at Hogwarts to read PDFs?

A-Dobby

How do you sort out Harry Potter books?

Using the Dobby Decimal System